What My Depression Feels Like

I wish I knew how to explain depression, my depression. Whenever I think of putting it into words all these cliches run to the front of my mind. I have a feeling I won't say it right the first time around, maybe after a few tries I will have gone a bit deeper. 

Oh, off topic, but, after looking at some past journals stowed away in my old room I have realized that when I used to write as a teenager I was more honest, even cruel with myself. I was a straight shooter. And maybe that is because I was so depressed, I don't know. Lastly, it seems, according to my journals, that I've always wanted to be a writer and tell stories. 

My depression. My depression is like a veil, a scrim, going over my eyes, blocking out sunlight, distorting how I see the world. The color drains from everything around me and all I see is a dull and hopeless surrounding dying before me. Nothing has happiness, everything is there because it is, it has no purpose. I go through the day interacting with so many people and things, and yet they all feel grey, colorless, empty, foreign things that don't speak my language. I am alone and the world is lonely. Everything tainted with a dark shadow. 

The cruelest part is that when I'm there in those moments of despair, when everything around me is part of a daily strum with no direction, it is in these moments that I am blinded by my own illness. I can't even realize and or understand what my mind is doing. To me it's not a trick, it's my reality. In that state of mind I am not cognitive enough to see that it's my depression making everything gray and bleak, and rather the world is truly not that way. I can't even tell I'm depressed. To me, it's normal. It feels as if I am on a track, spurring along with no decided direction, rather something is pulling me and propelling my body to whatever is next in the game called, "life," but I do it mindlessly, but not with ease, without motivation or hope. I do it because I know nothing else than this repetitious behavior. 

I just wish I could emphasize more how my mind does not work properly, or how it plays tricks on me, or how everything feels like a silent movie with me on a conveyor belt going through the motions because that's all I've ever known. Being depressed and in that moment not knowing that it is your mind telling you to put the lighted fire closer to your skin is the most frightening and bewildering thing I think I have experienced. It's like being mind raped while you are immobile and petrified. 

During that second when I think about burning myself never do I have the second thought of, "this is my depression talking." It's taken over my sanity. "I should not burn myself not just because it is wrong, but rather because I am in an altered state of mind that does not match what I feel in my soul." I don't trust my mind. In fact I don't even know if I can call it my friend. It frightens me and tricks me as if I'm a fool. No, it's my depression. I am smart, not only with my mind, but with my heart. You might be able to pull the wool over my eyes, and whisper my fatal and upcoming tragedies in my ear, but you cannot take the essence of me, the thing that survives the rubble every time you push me off that god damn cliff. 

I hate you. I hate that you make me think I am nothing. I hate that you make death seem like a peaceful slumber awaiting me in the distance. Just past those trees you will find your happiness. The trees are crowding the good. There's good in there amongst the dark and the only way to find it is through. It's hard, and I hope your mind never wins that battle where it takes you and leaves just a memory of who you wanted to be. Keep going. 

The light pervades. 

50 Bucks of Kindness

They say money can't buy happiness, and I would say that is mostly true. But 50 bucks can prove that humanity and unbridled kindness still exists. I was working a shift. I'm a waitress you know. Every god damn shift I have someone who is complaining about something or pestering me about an item I have yet to bring. Sometimes they are just plain standoffish, giving me dirty looks and questionable stares. Yes, I am there to serve you, but remember I am a human being and not your slave. I forget things and make mistakes, let me fix it without you giving me the nth degree death stare.


Needless to say I really dislike my job, yet I also love it. The people you meet whether it is your co-workers, managers or the customers can secretly be a blessing in disguise.


Now, back to my story. I was working a day shift and I had a table of two. They were older, maybe in their early 50s. Both of them joked with me and were appeasable customers, and when a table like this comes along you don't mind hustling your ass to get them extra ketchup or even another plate. While I was chatting with them I found out that one of the two men had just recently got out of a coma. He was in a serious motorcycle accident where he broke his jaw, all his ribs and had internal bleeding. By the description of his injuries it sounded like he should've been dead instead of sitting there talking to me. I was amazed at his story and his willingness to be open about it. It was an important meal for him because for awhile he was only eating his meals through a tube. He of course got a rack of ribs and ate every last bit of it.


At the end of the meal I dropped the check. He handed me a folded up 50 dollar bill and said, "this is for you, not anyone else in the restaurant." I was shocked at his generosity seeing that their meal was about 40 dollars in total. He said he understood great service. I thanked him profusely and just walked away, eyes watering and all. I know what you're thinking, 50 bucks is chunk change. For me 50 bucks is a lot. And not a lot of money to buy things n such, but 50 bucks worth of kindness. So, what if he had left me just a regular old 15 percent tip? I would've still have been happy to have met him and had him at my table because he reminded me that life is precious, appreciate people because you never know what may happen next. Sometimes we get lucky when we don't deserve it, therefore pay it forward. And, for your information, I did.

sigh

I am so tired of crying.

Crying cause I am sad. Crying cause I am happy. Wild Rivers on my eyes.

I don't have a lot to say or much direction after everything that has gone down this weekend.

I feel like I am waiting or just stagnant, but not stagnant in a bad way. If we keep arguing and trying to fix things and break things and then fix them all over again does that mean something? Is that better than throwing in the towel? I honestly thought it would be easy or better to walk away. And 24 hours later I felt like wolverine's claw had ripped through my insides. It was bleeding and I couldn't stop it. Leaking, soaking, tainting the rest like a toxic substance that killed by the touch. I couldn't deal. And then I tried to go back, and then KABOOM.

I feel wrong for trying to set the fire, but when you said it, it was as if you wanted me to be with someone else, to already have other relations going on with people. So I went for it. I regret. It was stupid, I was stupid. One of those girlish moments where you feel so self righteous that someone deserves pain on your behalf.

I will say, no matter how fucked this is, it was nice to hear you mad. I was waiting for you to fight, to say you didn't want me with anyone else no matter how selfish that is. The anger in your voice excited me, made me laugh, made me cringe, made me want to try and fight you. It is one of those sadistic things. Also, my love of drama. Though, I will say that it frightened me and I never want to see you that mad in person.

But in the end we talked. There was no conclusion, but I am glad we talked. I believe you will always be there. I don't think you know but that's a trait I've always thought I possessed. My friends could call me, friends I don't talk to and I would help them and listen. I guess I keep hoping that someone will do the same for me.

It's hard to have these solid people in your life walk away and change. I can't even remember how many times this has happened whether it be with friends or just guys. It's hard to shake that feeling that no one will stay.

I'll try and relax and not expect anything. It's the least I can do.

tears build my path

Sometimes it is the last straw. Sometimes you can't take anymore. Sometimes you have to take a step back, turn around and walk away. You have broken off every piece of yourself and tried to reconstruct this image of what you want, who you hope to be and then this wrecking ball swings in and destroys everything you have built.

This rubble just lays there, staring back at you. Was it all a mistake? A waste of time? Is this the right path?

I guess I don't have the answers, but I know it is not the time to give up. Yes, I am giving in, accepting what is, but I am not looking back. I am going to do what I want to do, be around the people who want to love me and never look back.

I might shed a tear and need some people to hold me up, but I'd rather fall and get up then fall and give up.

today is a day for tears.

I was upset today. The morning started off great as I drove my neighbor to her 5th grade writing summer class and then it snowballed to a shit show from there. I became angry, frustrated and fed up.

It was one of those moments where you just want to cut the strings to all the "bad" things in your life. I kept telling myself I was done trying and that anything was really nothing and that everything was in no way salvageable.

I cried a lot today. I cried driving to therapy. I cried in therapy. I cried driving home from therapy. I cried while watching Intervention. I cried a few minutes ago.

My head hurts from holding back as many tears as I could.

I don't like to seem as if I am affected by the going-ons in my life. I like to seem strong and impervious to pain.

And as I opened old wounds today I realized I was hardening my heart to everything just so that I wouldn't feel pain or disappointment.

I ended up opening my heart in therapy, feeling the sting of built up hatred and anger. I let myself feel it. That's why I cried, the tears were my pain being released. My sobs were my voice becoming clearer and forgiving.

I'm not fixed and I am a work in progress, and today I took a baby step by relinquishing myself to the painful truth of reality.

I said goodbye to my best friend. I wished her well and told her I loved her.

And, maybe it is not goodbye, maybe our paths will reconvene at some point. It's all I can wish for. She has to take her own journey as I must take mine, but love never dies and neither do the memories I have had with her.

It's funny you know, these days when I feel broken and dilapidated I get reassurance that I am loved and that there is hope.

I received a letter from my friend Jared who is currently incarcerated and he told me a very inspiring story that made me tear up because it was so beautiful. I'll ask him if I can share it, in fact it might be on the internet.

Anywho, I wanted to say that everything isn't fixable
some things end because it's fate
if you really love someone the love never dies
the little things hurt but aren't the end of the world
and there is always a silver lining.

Also, don't be afraid to cry.

M.

I've breached this subject before, but I am doing it again because this blog is for me, to express my thoughts to you, to help me deal.

I never thought I'd be looking back asking myself how I lost my best friend. Yes, things have changed, we both have changed, grown and receded. I remember thinking in high school that this girl was my best friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my friend who I could sing Disney songs with at the top of my lungs. I thought even with life's curveballs we would always be friends, forever.

Now, I look at her pictures on facebook and hear things about her through mutual friends and I say to myself, "I don't know this person." It's a hard thing to believe you know a person only to find out they are or have chosen to be nothing like what they were. Some people improve for the best, but I honestly don't know if I can say that about her. Then again maybe it's not my place to judge her good or bad, maybe growth doesn't have a dual conscience. Maybe I am wrong and I am the one who failed. I don't know.

I'd like to think she's happy. In her pictures she looks happy, but looks can be deceiving. I just don't understand how one person can be a certain way all their life and then suddenly, with a flip of a switch, be the complete opposite. Are they pretending now or have they been pretending up until this point? Maybe we are just too different to get along now.

I don't have the answers, but it makes me sad to live my life without her.

The simple solution would be to become friends again after our falling out, but I don't want to be friends with the new her, I want my old best friend back.

21st century love

I've heard so many things about love and relationships. I could write a book with all that I've ever been told, but the book on what I actually know about love and relationships would be a very small picture book with phrases starting out with, "I think..."

The love I've experienced is not like the movies I watch, not like the novels I read and not even close to how everyone tells me it is supposed to be.

I just don't know what to do.

I sometimes think it would be better if I could go back to a time when love was simpler. When you married cause you had to and not cause you wanted to. When marriages were arranged. When there was no texting or tumblr or facebook as the main means to communicate with your love.

I want to go back to when people wrote letters, and came to your door with flowers before the date, and who met your parents the very first night they took you out.

May be I am just silly and getting worried about nothing, but I think pure love between two people is a dying art.

No one can say "I love you," without sending it in a text first.

No one can have a stable relationship till they declare it on facebook.

No one feels loved unless their pictures on instagram and their statuses are all filled with their lover's name and face.

I don't know what love looks like between me and another individual, but I do want it to be so much more than what I see, what I hear and the little that I know.

The Greatest Thing

You've seen the movie Moulin Rouge, right?

Christian, an anguished romantic says the infamous line, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

Love, relationships, sex, lust, and everything else in that realm has always been a never ending throbbing headache for me. Still is.

Anywho, "what is love?"

From Merriam-Webster Dictionary online:

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

"Oh baby don't hurt me no more."

Although love seems to be easily defined in the dictionary in reality it can take on many different definitions and actions.

LOVE:

Love thy neighbor.
Loving your grandparents.
Making love to your best friend.
A woman loving another woman.
Returning someones wallet to them.
Taking your dog for a walk.
Saving yourself till marriage.
Love for Yaweh, Allah, Shiva.
Loving yourself.

Love is endless, love makes the world go round.

and as Shakespeare says, "Love sought is good, but given unsought is better." Twelfth Night – Act 3, Scene 1

All my young life I've looked for love, looked for someone to love me back. I'd be pushed into a depression when people rejected me. I'd ask myself "why wasn't I good enough?"

But within the past 24 hours I came to this conclusion: Just to love is good enough.

If I stop focusing on whether or not someone loves me back or not then I'll be golden. I won't feel dejected, ever, because I will not be searching nor wanting their stamp of love.

To love is one of the greatest qualities the human race is equipped with, and especially with our ability to quantify and qualify it in so many ways, well, that just makes us extra lucky.

So for now I love without expecting anything back. Maybe one day my priorities will change, but for now the feeling of fullness I get from caring about people is enough.

And I don't know any other way to explain this, but it is similar to how at christmas you should give presents and not expect to get one back because you receive enough joy and fulfillment out of just giving your love.

The end. love you.

the answers to the questions we all ask

What do you do when you're afraid of losing someone, a different someone all over again?

What do you do when you are afraid of letting everyone down, even though you're trying to do what's right for you?

What do you do when you want something so bad, but you know it's toxic?

What do you do?



-once I find some sort of resolution to all these questions I'll let you know, but for now feel free to answer with your own wisdom.

My updated life status: utterly torn and confused.

hearts aren't practical

Sometimes I get distracted by the little things. I was happy, gleeful, and excited about what was to come and now I feel morose, disheartened, dejected.

I've been practicing (only in this past week or so) calmness. Trying to take everything in stride. Not overreacting.

But right now I feel like I've been still enough to earn some time to overreact.



My love life sucks. I mess things up with my insecurities and need for self control. Also, I care too much most of the time to the point where I think I am trying to save something, but instead I am just strangling it to death.

I am one of those girls who squeezes her rodents too tight and unfortunately breaks their tiny ribs. Fear not, this is just a metaphor and has never really happened.



I realized today that I wish some of my relationships (is dating considered a relationship?) had continued. I wish I hadn't strangled them to death. I am not broken from these ends because I have better insight than that. But, I still cared then as I do now. Maybe these relationships would've still hit a dead end eventually. I don't know. I just hate when there's this space where old feelings lie, waiting, waiting for something to bring them forth again, but instead you have to pretend that they aren't there or that they are there but you are an adult now so you must quietly ignore them and still be happy. Any day I would take these friendships over the relationships (for now at least), but it's hard to have a friendship when things aren't dead nor settled.

I think we all fear being vulnerable, saying how we feel. The main reason I write on this blog or in my journal is because it is the only place I can really be honest with myself. I admit at times I hide behind this internet interface, but for the most part I'd like to believe that everything here is something you already know, not a surprise where I am virtually stabbing you with words over the internet (though that has definitely happened before, and more than once).

As I continue to grow and learn in this life, I think one big thing that is pertinent to any relationship is communication, being able to say how you feel with integrity and faith that your vulnerability will not go unnoticed and that the other person will give you the same respect to tell the truth, unbridled.

I think it is so difficult because we associate confrontation with anger and negative thoughts. We associate being vulnerable with being helpless and needy.

What if we told someone, that someone, how we felt, completely and truly. The end, no drama, no "why don't you love me?!", no stage 5 clinger, just here are the facts take it or leave it. If we could be completely open and understanding I think we would be a lot better off. And just cause you're understanding, doesn't mean you don't have to pretend you aren't hurt.


Wizard of Oz: As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
Tin Woodsman: But I still want one.

warped

So my wonderful and gracious friend has gotten me a spot on warped tour with this skateboarding company he works for. I'll either be doing promo for them or do assistant camera for my friend and hopefully be taking my own stills in the process. I am honestly beyond excited. I have this idea of what it is going to be like, but I really have no idea what warped your is going to be like ! This is what I want to do though, photography, videography, screen writing, movies, etc. I don't want to be waiting tables. This is me. And you know there's a chance of things coming up, not going my way, but I am going to put on a brave face this next weekend because this is honestly a great opportunity for me and I am thankful for it.


Though life is this continuous tumultuous cycle, in this moment I am very happy for what awaits ahead, good or bad. I feel like each day I am growing and learning and that makes me feel good :)

^will elaborate on later.

By the way, I definitely will be going to Irvine show, Pamona show, San Francisco show and possibly Las Vegas! (though I think for sobriety reasons I will pass on the Vegas stop)

OHHHH an I get to see Taking Back Sunday... FUCK YEAH

something needs to be said.

I'm sorry.

I'm not easy. I've got problems. I think I know what I want, but in reality I am always a little bit unsure. I can be so ridiculous. I can be the biggest headfuck ever. I will change my mind every minute. I will use friendship as leverage. I have the need to control everything. I am immature in most respects.

All this nonsense is me. I am not saying all of this is okay because it is not. It is never okay to treat someone badly, but it happens because we all fuck up and we all don't know how to be good in shitty situations.

But, that is life.

I think we gradually learn how to deal. Some of us are late bloomers in that department, me included.
And you know a day later after everything I always feel better, much better. I feel better because I know I am not the only one who fears being alone. I feel better because the people who love me are honestly the most beautiful people I have ever met. And, lastly, I feel better because I know my life will go on.

You can't plan your life. That's just not how it works. And I wasn't planning all of this to happen, but it did. I was unprepared on how to act. But this is life. This is what life is made out of, the failures and the victories. You just gotta learn from it. That's the hardest part for me, not making the same mistakes over and over again.

CODSWALLOP

I've been feeling lost, like a little girl looking for her mom in the grocery store lost. I've been trying to fill voids, trying to run away from my fears, trying to be stagnant. Who the fuck wants to be stagnant? Bacteria grows more so in stagnant water and welp that is just gross. I don't want bacteria coming out of my ears even though biologically or something it already is. Sorry. I feel like I've been denying myself the necessities of life just because I've been scared and or I didn't want to deal.

Bottom line : I am single and it sucks. When I try and get close to someone it just never works. I destroy it before it can start. I get scared. I need comfort always. And most the time I feel lonely. Plus seeing past "lovers" find someone else is always a bit disheartening.

BUT

it's okay.

Why is it okay?

because at this moment I am tired of loving people and not being loved in return. I am tired of people loving me and not being able to return their love.

My gyno spoke some words of wisdom the other day...

You can always get sex, but you can't always have a relationship.

So simple, so true.

You know all I want is for someone to get to know me, love me for who I am, be my friend and stay around for longer than a few months. Sex not included.

And I think tonight I just realized that it is all codswallop in the end. You heard me, CODSWALLOP.

Bottom line 2: I miss people. I miss you and you and you, oh, and especially you.

BUT

my pride is too big.

Bottom Line 3: I've been lying to myself about everything. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

Bottom Line 4: I am scared of a lot of things

BUT

I hope I realize that it is fear that is stopping me from living. I stand in my own way.




So in conclusion, I feel lost, really fucking lost, but I have now realized that I am lost so maybe now I can begin to wander.

life is suffering

Life is suffering. That is a fundamental truth of Buddhism.

I have taken two religions classes and in general religion is very interesting to me. Rest assured that I will not be talking about religion in this post, but you never know it may be a post in the near future :)

Life is suffering, so when things inevitably increase your suffering do you do them or not do them? The obvious answer is no, do not increase your suffering for goodness sake ! For instance in this economy today jobs are hard to come by, therefore, you want to be the best possible candidate for when they do arise, but if you have any visible tattoos like me then you are usually automatically inhibited. That's just the truth. People judge me because of my tattoos, people will not hire me because of my tattoos and that causes suffering especially when I might be just as qualified as the next average joe who's applying.

Life is full of these situations where you have to choose what is best. Life is based on nothing else but choices. The choices we make make us who we are.

The tattoo on my wrist is for the foundation To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). I got it when I first turned 18. Besides the fact that I have always been fascinated with tattoos my wrist tattoo was one that I had thought about for a long while. My tattoo, "Love," on my wrist means the world to me. It reminds me everyday of the love I have in my heart, my past, my scars, the love I have for myself and so much more. I chose to inhibit myself, but at least I took the time to think about it and to weigh the pros and cons. All life is suffering, there is no way getting around it. And yes there are moments of happiness, but of course that is not all the time. Disregard everything else that plays into your happiness because I don't have enough time to go over it in this post nor any post.

My point is weigh the pros and cons and if it is worth it to you, allow yourself to suffer a bit more. But, do not take the stance that since life is suffering then you should do whatever you want and say fuck it cause living life impetuously is a life wasted.

yolo unicorn

It has taken me a while to come to the place I am now. Today, after a very rigorous and in your face lecture about life from my film 1 teacher, I felt different. Like a new soul breathing again for the first time in a while. He basically reassured all my fears which was good in the sense that now I know what to expect (for the most part). I thought I was alone in my fear of the future.

And yes the fear is still there, but at least now I know that it is just a part of the process.

He talked about how we don't realize that we are pissing away our youth on stupid shit. I completely understand. I have been wasting myself, my mind, my soul on what I thought to be so important. I'm 20. 20 years old and in a sense I have all the time in the world and yet none at all. I want to be happy like I was today, but everyday. I was finally free from my regret, my fears(some of them). I've seriously probably aged myself so much with all the worrying I've done in the past. And I know I am not fixed and that I will have good days and bad, but to not do exactly what you want because you are too afraid is the most horrid mistake of them all.

Looking back on past experiences, jobs, relationships, and friendships, I realize they all served a purpose. It was destiny or fate the way things happened. I don't know how or why, but all these things happened for a reason. It's the circle of life. A cyclic process that breaks us down and then builds us back up (if we use it to our advantage). Life is suffering, and how you deal with the suffering makes you the person you are.

I haven't dealt with things healthily in the past, but the amazing thing about life is that tomorrow is a new day, a new chance.

Do what makes you crumble with fear.

letting go, starting anew, realizing everything you do

My blog became overtly specific, as if I was pointing fingers at all these "anonymous" people. That's why I took a break. I was hiding behind this blog. You couldn't see me, yet I could say anything I wanted to and talk the most shit ever on all of you. Blogs are an outlet but they shouldn't be how you deal with problems. Write to deal, but don't blog to deal. The internet is a nasty place. So then why am I starting this new post? I am going to try and be general and blog about common situations and ideas. Of course every blog post has some truth to it that actually led to it being written, therefore nothing is ever meaningless.

The reason why I have a blog is to blog about things and have people connect with them. For a while no one read this blog and I was merely writing for myself and now a few people read it here and there. I guess my point is that this blog has importance in my life and to totally discard and delete it would be heartbreaking.

Alright, onto the post I came on here to write.


I am not the best at relationships. In fact I have never had a relationship last long enough to even know if I was good at it, but I suppose since they have never lasted long then that answers that! ***<---disclaimer for everything you are about to read***

I have always had this need and want to be admired and loved, and honestly I have no idea where this addiction/obsession came from. I don't have daddy problems and nothing traumatic ever happened to me as a kid. I had a great childhood and a wonderful family. But this compulsion for the need of acceptance has led to all my destructive tendencies. I want people to think I'm cool. I drink. I want to be friends with them. I smoke. I want him to love me. I have sex with him. It's a sad cycle that I've put myself through while trying to find love in all the wrong places.

My biggest problem I think has been sex and using sex to get someone to like me. Any guy will like you if you have sex with him, but once he cums then you're just like every other girl who has put out. A dime a dozen. For some reason I was never taught that sex was sacred. I never really understood what it was like to have a healthy relationship with another man. And I honestly don't know why.

At times I fall back into my old ways and rely on what is comfortable to me, that being sex. I get so anxious about someone actually getting to know me and liking me for who I am that I instead just throw in the towel and say lets have sex and then I will know you like me (not true). And when I do this they leave and I always wonder why. Now that's not the reason why they all leave. But in the past they have gotten exactly what they wanted and found no reason to entertain the idea of US any longer. Sad, but I bring it on myself. If I let someone get to know me without putting sex in the equation and they still left in the end well at least I would know I hadn't wasted something special on another douche bag.

I guess it all comes down to how much someone really likes you, how much they care, how much they want it to work out. Let me tell you, every girl wants you to fight for her, always. If you don't fight it just confirms everything we have been dreading, the fact that you really don't want to be with us. At least this is how I feel. And in the end when everything is said and done, you look back on what happened and you hold on to this single tiny piece of hope that a fucking miracle will happen and suddenly he will want to be with you again. Part of you says it will never happen and then this other part sneaks up on you and says, "maybe, you never know." And, it's true, you never do know, but in this case it is better to just let go.

Letting go fucking sucks. Not texting him. Not calling him. Not kissing him. Not laughing with him. Not going out to dinner with him. Not having crazy adventures with him. Not doing anything with him. It's like he's a ghost, someone that I used to know who no longer lives here anymore(2 lyrics put together... guess those songs!). But, why try and convince someone you're worth it? Why try and tell someone to make time for you? Why try to put effort in when the other person could care less? It's that damn hope again. And hope is good, but in this situation I think it is better to move on, realize that you're fucking wonderful, and that you will definitely find your soulmate, and to have fun whenever you can.

This doesn't mean you need to cut them out of your life (unless he's a creepy ass stalker) but it just means to let go and start being happy again. You shouldn't need someone to make you happy.

Of course you will think of him. Little things will remind you. But, the only good way to deal with those things is to let it cross your mind and then let it leave.

We all have wasted ourselves on someone who didn't love us. Why waste anymore time, energy, love on them?

continuing

I feel like I learned a lot today.

I am going to try and sum it all up in a semi short not too long post.

So last night I was upset of course about the fact that this thing with the guy I had been seeing ended. I was still upset about it this morning too. And I don't need to cover everything again because if you care to know more about just read my previous posts. Anywho the main point is that I was mad that I had failed again. I was confused as to why the happy giddyness talkativeness stopped. And, I was sad that there didn't seem to be another chance for us to try. All these emotions were fuming and boiling in my body, killing me on the inside and in my mind.
I resorted to talking to a coworker of mine since I really never know who to really talk to. He gave the best advice without giving direct "do this or do that" advice. He mad me realize that all my stressful feelings weren't worth it. And that especially this early in dating him things should be happy and honeymoon like, not sad or stressful. I explained to him how me and this guy were hardly talking anymore and my coworker said that someone should want to talk to you, someone should be excited to talk to you. All in all I realized that this isn't meant to work. I don't believe it's the distance, not for me at least, that made it fall apart, but rather a lack of foundation. Maybe even a lack of commitment? I don't know. I don't know why it didn't work for him (maybe I should ask him, or maybe I should shut my mouth and not worry about it (go with numero dos)). And usually I never know with guys because you know they just aren't wired like us girls. They don't say outright how they feel even when you ask them. For this guy I am not sure what didn't work for him. Let me say though that I am the one who put a stop to it all. But, all this is just fine. Like he said, I am glad I have a more positive attitude about this because I enjoyed the time I spent with him and I loved getting to know him better. Did I want it to work out and keep going till the fall? Yes. But life never works out the way you want it to, and in truth it isn't supposed to.
c

Also, talked to my girl friend who is having a similar problem, okay it's pretty exact, anywho, I told her that if he can't spend a measly 5 minutes on the phone with you then what's the point? She is amazing and worth a million minutes and more! I guess my whole conclusion is to stay close to your heart and how you feel and to always remember that you are worth it.

forever never lasts

I don't know everything. In fact, I don't know a lot of things, but I feel like I am right about what I am going to say next. Nothing lasts forever. That's why it's called the circle of life because it's this cyclic pattern that never focuses on one thing staying permanent forever. Love doesn't last forever. Family doesn't last forever. Pain doesn't last forever. Lovers don't last forever. Even the end doesn't last forever if you really think about it. Something new always arises from the ashes.

Anywho, I, like many other people get hung up on things that don't go perfectly or on things that are painful or unhappy. Those reactions of pain and regret and hate and negativity are primal emotions that we should not ignore or try to hide, but they are also not the epitome of our existence. I've been in that place where I saw no end. There was no way out. But that's the beauty of it because my pain and sadness ended eventually, and there was a way out.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we get stuck in our feelings and honestly there's just not enough time to waste on those feelings. Life is not forever either. I am not saying be happy all the time because it is good to be sad. I just mean that none of this lasts. Eventually I'll die, my dad will die, my dog will die, my love will die, my home won't be my home anymore, etc. The reason why we survive is because we can adapt and continue on even in the face of great change.

It's hard to think that every moment is precious and that all this could instantly end for no particular reason at all.

But I want to live in adventure and happiness.

And I will say this, people who try and stop you from that should not be in your life. My best friend is a crazy weirdo. Someone I don't really know anymore. And though I have been sad that she is no longer in my life I can't have her in it cause she is so negative towards me. I would welcome her back if she was like her old self but who can say if that will ever happen. I am not mad at her, I love her, but I also know that she is not a good fit for my life right now. I can understand that saying that is wrong. Best friends are forever. But people change as life changes. That's the way it is. I hope that I really start to focus on my happiness instead of my unhappiness, cause the unhappiness and the happiness will pass too and I'd rather be happy for as long as I can be.

Like I said, it's okay to be sad and have regrets and have pain, just as long as you realize that those feelings will not last because only then can you begin to let go and move onto the next thing. Life is never ending and not forever either.

for all those who struggle

April the 20th. Such an infamous day. I don't really remember what I was doing last year at this time. I am guessing I was either smoking with my brother or my boys from sttc. Whatever I was doing I am not doing it now. So since late December, a little before Christmas, I have been sober from alcohol and drugs. I have had one slip up where I had two drinks while in Hollywood with friends but other than that I've been clean and sober. I have tried before to be sober and it has never worked. Maybe it's because I am older and wiser or maybe it's not those things at all. Maybe I am sober because I actually want to be. Though it's true that I want to be sober it is also true that I wish I could not be an alcoholic, but I am. And my addiction or craving may not ever go away, and I may never be able to have just one drink, and I may not be sober a year from now. It's not negativity, it's reality. What I do know is that I am sober today and very happy because of it.


You know, I should make a laundry list of all the bad shit that has happened to me while being under the influence... it's honestly amazing how persistent I was with my abuse despite all these situations that put me in danger. It would be a long fucking list.
And I've seen some of my friends, friends who still use and honestly I am glad I am not where they are. One of my friends is now in prison. I need to write him *puts on todo list immediately*. And then there are my other friends, the functioning druggies. I honestly dunno how they do it. But 20 years from now, will they still be functioning? Who can say... maybe and hopefully science by then will be able to cure all the shit that substance abuse causes.

I apologize if it sounds like I am dissing (could not think of a better word than that) my friends but that's not my intention. I am trying to get across that I could've been one of them, but I am glad I am not because I probably wouldn't be alive to even write this.

Now don't get ahead of yourself, I was not a heroin addict(though it did sound appealing at a time). I was just an addict of everything. Addicted to drinking, smoking, cutting, bullying myself, sleeping, drugs, love, control, sex, etc. All these destructive things(yes, love can be very destructive at times) that I thought would make my life better only worsened it. And to top it off I was mixing. Mixing all of these things just made my fucking head spin. My prescribed pills, my alcohol, my drugs... all together in one melting pot. Jesus christ I was so fucking unstoppable. Only I could stop the pain. That's the hardest part about changing your life around, nobody else can do it for you.

Now this isn't to say I don't have cravings because I do, all the time. In particular it has been cutting. I see these pictures of people with torn up wrists and I drool with want. I am like an obese child at McDonalds. Now that probably doesn't make sense. And maybe another day I'll devote a post to it, but not now. Anywho, I want it bad. So how do I stop it? I don't really know because sometimes I fantasize about it and eventually it leaves my mind or I remind myself how it won't solve my problems. Granted I have not been overtly depressed in a while. Which is good! The pills are working, bravo!!!

I used to get hung up on my pills. I thought they created this fake version of me and that I was fooling people into liking me. At times I still feel that way, but right now I see it as me treating my disease. Yes, there is bullshit science shit that says depression doesn't exist and that's all well and mighty for those people who don't have it but for the ones who do, they know, they understand.

My parents read that stuff all the time. They wanted me off the pills even though they were ok with it at first. Maybe they thought it was teen angst like everyone else did. welp pills is also another post in itself so I'll stop here. Addictions come in many forms, admitting to yourself that you're powerless and need help is the first step.
Stay strong, hope is real. And today I am sober :)

she's got too much love

Maybe I come on too strong. Maybe I'll look back and realize that I should've been more cautious. But I can't stop it. I won't. I'm quite happy shamelessly crushing and if I'm too hot then everyone should get out of the damn kitchen. I'm a flame that burns if you play with me too much, yet I'll dance around and warm your soul with my touch. Point being, nothing is in the middle for me. I am either high or low. It is rare that I am peacefully content. Maybe that's my problem, my need to stir the pot. I create my own problems. If I look into the future I know I am going to learn from this, like I learn from everything else, therefore, no experience be wasted.

I've said my peace and am going to stop bullying myself over my feelings (for now at least).