tears build my path

Sometimes it is the last straw. Sometimes you can't take anymore. Sometimes you have to take a step back, turn around and walk away. You have broken off every piece of yourself and tried to reconstruct this image of what you want, who you hope to be and then this wrecking ball swings in and destroys everything you have built.

This rubble just lays there, staring back at you. Was it all a mistake? A waste of time? Is this the right path?

I guess I don't have the answers, but I know it is not the time to give up. Yes, I am giving in, accepting what is, but I am not looking back. I am going to do what I want to do, be around the people who want to love me and never look back.

I might shed a tear and need some people to hold me up, but I'd rather fall and get up then fall and give up.

today is a day for tears.

I was upset today. The morning started off great as I drove my neighbor to her 5th grade writing summer class and then it snowballed to a shit show from there. I became angry, frustrated and fed up.

It was one of those moments where you just want to cut the strings to all the "bad" things in your life. I kept telling myself I was done trying and that anything was really nothing and that everything was in no way salvageable.

I cried a lot today. I cried driving to therapy. I cried in therapy. I cried driving home from therapy. I cried while watching Intervention. I cried a few minutes ago.

My head hurts from holding back as many tears as I could.

I don't like to seem as if I am affected by the going-ons in my life. I like to seem strong and impervious to pain.

And as I opened old wounds today I realized I was hardening my heart to everything just so that I wouldn't feel pain or disappointment.

I ended up opening my heart in therapy, feeling the sting of built up hatred and anger. I let myself feel it. That's why I cried, the tears were my pain being released. My sobs were my voice becoming clearer and forgiving.

I'm not fixed and I am a work in progress, and today I took a baby step by relinquishing myself to the painful truth of reality.

I said goodbye to my best friend. I wished her well and told her I loved her.

And, maybe it is not goodbye, maybe our paths will reconvene at some point. It's all I can wish for. She has to take her own journey as I must take mine, but love never dies and neither do the memories I have had with her.

It's funny you know, these days when I feel broken and dilapidated I get reassurance that I am loved and that there is hope.

I received a letter from my friend Jared who is currently incarcerated and he told me a very inspiring story that made me tear up because it was so beautiful. I'll ask him if I can share it, in fact it might be on the internet.

Anywho, I wanted to say that everything isn't fixable
some things end because it's fate
if you really love someone the love never dies
the little things hurt but aren't the end of the world
and there is always a silver lining.

Also, don't be afraid to cry.

Your love is like, a Rollercoaster baby

So some of my relationships are roller coaster rides.

"Your love is like, a Rollercoaster baby, baby
I wanna ride yeah"- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Maybe all relationships are filled with loops, corkscrews, twists and moments that just make you wanna throw up. I don't know about yours, but mine certainly are.

Though my relationships with people can be dizzying and sickening they can also be exhilarating and fun.

I saw the movie Ruby Sparks tonight which was written by Zoe Kazan. Fuck yeah, female writers rock!!!!! Plus, she starred in the film and was simply fabulous!

Shit where was I going with this?

Anywho, go see the movie!

Oh now I remember...I thought to myself, "Why can't I have a romance like the ones in the movies." "Do these sweet, fun-loving, quirky, spontaneous relationships exist outside of Hollywood sets?" I'd like to believe so.

Though, my romances are closer to the horror genre than the lovey dovey comedy romance one.

One of my all time favorite movies, 2 Days in Paris, in short it is about a french woman in love. In the movie you see the hardships with her boyfriend, a cynical, ridiculous, lovely pain in the ass. Think of him as the 2nd time you had anal; feels good, but still kind of hurts.

Anywho, you see everything they go through and they are in constant arguments that end in playful jokes and kisses.

In the end the river cards are seen. I don't want to spoil anything so please just go watch it.

So, even though my relationships with peoples aren't like the ones in the movies, in some I see that I am helping the other person grow and they are helping me do the same. That's what every relationship needs, someone to help you grow because life isn't perfect, we aren't perfect and love is fucking flawed as shit. Life is a journey and progression. In my mind there is no finish line, just the continuation of growing and helping others spread their branches to the sky.

So...

"Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses." - 2 Days in Paris

My own sentiment. You've helped me grow and I think I've helped you a bit too, that's why I don't want to let go. You make me better.

the answers to the questions we all ask

What do you do when you're afraid of losing someone, a different someone all over again?

What do you do when you are afraid of letting everyone down, even though you're trying to do what's right for you?

What do you do when you want something so bad, but you know it's toxic?

What do you do?



-once I find some sort of resolution to all these questions I'll let you know, but for now feel free to answer with your own wisdom.

My updated life status: utterly torn and confused.