read with sarcasm

Life right now is kind of overwhelmingly shitty.

Now on a positive note, I am completely desperate for kinky sex, actually just any sex.
Sorry, just being honest here.

It is really not attractive, being as desperate as I am, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I mean I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am just looking for a lil dickation.

Yup, dickation {dick vacation}.

And about every guy in the OC sucks a fat cock or knows the last guy I slept with because they met in high school or some bull shit like that. So really I have no expectations, except maybe to get an orgasm.

I mean if I am not using drugs or alcohol I still need something to fill the void, right?

Read this with a sarcastic tone. Then again sarcasm holds truth.

Blah what a week and a half this has been.

If only I could have kinky amazing sex and figure out an amazing feature film idea.

Dancing like the weird mother fucker that I am last night definitely helped me forget about everything, still, this pussy needs a good time.

Alright.

Where am I?

Thing have been really good, pretty weird, kind of low at times and really stressful. It hasn't been good, it hasn't been bad. And at this moment I feel empty, like some switch has turned me off, darkened to the point where everything inside and out is this black hole. I can't see where I am going and I can't see what's coming for me.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to have to try a new pill cocktail.

I feel so confused about my feelings for people.

It's fine, it really is. I just feel kind of lost in my own head.

I am going to make a list of things I need to do in order to change things around, unfortunately all these things I will be doing probably won't have any effect on deciding where to put my feelings.

breathe molly.

sigh

I am so tired of crying.

Crying cause I am sad. Crying cause I am happy. Wild Rivers on my eyes.

I don't have a lot to say or much direction after everything that has gone down this weekend.

I feel like I am waiting or just stagnant, but not stagnant in a bad way. If we keep arguing and trying to fix things and break things and then fix them all over again does that mean something? Is that better than throwing in the towel? I honestly thought it would be easy or better to walk away. And 24 hours later I felt like wolverine's claw had ripped through my insides. It was bleeding and I couldn't stop it. Leaking, soaking, tainting the rest like a toxic substance that killed by the touch. I couldn't deal. And then I tried to go back, and then KABOOM.

I feel wrong for trying to set the fire, but when you said it, it was as if you wanted me to be with someone else, to already have other relations going on with people. So I went for it. I regret. It was stupid, I was stupid. One of those girlish moments where you feel so self righteous that someone deserves pain on your behalf.

I will say, no matter how fucked this is, it was nice to hear you mad. I was waiting for you to fight, to say you didn't want me with anyone else no matter how selfish that is. The anger in your voice excited me, made me laugh, made me cringe, made me want to try and fight you. It is one of those sadistic things. Also, my love of drama. Though, I will say that it frightened me and I never want to see you that mad in person.

But in the end we talked. There was no conclusion, but I am glad we talked. I believe you will always be there. I don't think you know but that's a trait I've always thought I possessed. My friends could call me, friends I don't talk to and I would help them and listen. I guess I keep hoping that someone will do the same for me.

It's hard to have these solid people in your life walk away and change. I can't even remember how many times this has happened whether it be with friends or just guys. It's hard to shake that feeling that no one will stay.

I'll try and relax and not expect anything. It's the least I can do.

tears build my path

Sometimes it is the last straw. Sometimes you can't take anymore. Sometimes you have to take a step back, turn around and walk away. You have broken off every piece of yourself and tried to reconstruct this image of what you want, who you hope to be and then this wrecking ball swings in and destroys everything you have built.

This rubble just lays there, staring back at you. Was it all a mistake? A waste of time? Is this the right path?

I guess I don't have the answers, but I know it is not the time to give up. Yes, I am giving in, accepting what is, but I am not looking back. I am going to do what I want to do, be around the people who want to love me and never look back.

I might shed a tear and need some people to hold me up, but I'd rather fall and get up then fall and give up.

M.

I've breached this subject before, but I am doing it again because this blog is for me, to express my thoughts to you, to help me deal.

I never thought I'd be looking back asking myself how I lost my best friend. Yes, things have changed, we both have changed, grown and receded. I remember thinking in high school that this girl was my best friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my friend who I could sing Disney songs with at the top of my lungs. I thought even with life's curveballs we would always be friends, forever.

Now, I look at her pictures on facebook and hear things about her through mutual friends and I say to myself, "I don't know this person." It's a hard thing to believe you know a person only to find out they are or have chosen to be nothing like what they were. Some people improve for the best, but I honestly don't know if I can say that about her. Then again maybe it's not my place to judge her good or bad, maybe growth doesn't have a dual conscience. Maybe I am wrong and I am the one who failed. I don't know.

I'd like to think she's happy. In her pictures she looks happy, but looks can be deceiving. I just don't understand how one person can be a certain way all their life and then suddenly, with a flip of a switch, be the complete opposite. Are they pretending now or have they been pretending up until this point? Maybe we are just too different to get along now.

I don't have the answers, but it makes me sad to live my life without her.

The simple solution would be to become friends again after our falling out, but I don't want to be friends with the new her, I want my old best friend back.

21st century love

I've heard so many things about love and relationships. I could write a book with all that I've ever been told, but the book on what I actually know about love and relationships would be a very small picture book with phrases starting out with, "I think..."

The love I've experienced is not like the movies I watch, not like the novels I read and not even close to how everyone tells me it is supposed to be.

I just don't know what to do.

I sometimes think it would be better if I could go back to a time when love was simpler. When you married cause you had to and not cause you wanted to. When marriages were arranged. When there was no texting or tumblr or facebook as the main means to communicate with your love.

I want to go back to when people wrote letters, and came to your door with flowers before the date, and who met your parents the very first night they took you out.

May be I am just silly and getting worried about nothing, but I think pure love between two people is a dying art.

No one can say "I love you," without sending it in a text first.

No one can have a stable relationship till they declare it on facebook.

No one feels loved unless their pictures on instagram and their statuses are all filled with their lover's name and face.

I don't know what love looks like between me and another individual, but I do want it to be so much more than what I see, what I hear and the little that I know.

the answers to the questions we all ask

What do you do when you're afraid of losing someone, a different someone all over again?

What do you do when you are afraid of letting everyone down, even though you're trying to do what's right for you?

What do you do when you want something so bad, but you know it's toxic?

What do you do?



-once I find some sort of resolution to all these questions I'll let you know, but for now feel free to answer with your own wisdom.

My updated life status: utterly torn and confused.

something needs to be said.

I'm sorry.

I'm not easy. I've got problems. I think I know what I want, but in reality I am always a little bit unsure. I can be so ridiculous. I can be the biggest headfuck ever. I will change my mind every minute. I will use friendship as leverage. I have the need to control everything. I am immature in most respects.

All this nonsense is me. I am not saying all of this is okay because it is not. It is never okay to treat someone badly, but it happens because we all fuck up and we all don't know how to be good in shitty situations.

But, that is life.

I think we gradually learn how to deal. Some of us are late bloomers in that department, me included.
And you know a day later after everything I always feel better, much better. I feel better because I know I am not the only one who fears being alone. I feel better because the people who love me are honestly the most beautiful people I have ever met. And, lastly, I feel better because I know my life will go on.

You can't plan your life. That's just not how it works. And I wasn't planning all of this to happen, but it did. I was unprepared on how to act. But this is life. This is what life is made out of, the failures and the victories. You just gotta learn from it. That's the hardest part for me, not making the same mistakes over and over again.

I'm sorry. I'm high maintenance, but working on it.

I was livid yesterday, and now a day later I feel differently about it all.

I realized at times I can be a little insane, a little mad, a little uncertain, a bit high maintenance.

I never thought of myself as high maintenance because I don't need or expect any guy to get me gifts n shit.

But, since I AM INCONSISTENT with how I feel, changing from one side of the spectrum to the next in a blink of an eye, I am high maintenance. I am a lot of work in a relationship.

For me to blame others for being inconsistent is me being a hypocrite.

Besides, after you have thrown people from left field to right field to all over, well they tend to be less than willing in all respects.

It is like I am mad because someone doesn't like me at this moment when I like them, but, a month ago they liked me and I was questioning it all.

See. Hypocrite.

I understand where I went wrong, the insane pattern I put myself and men through. Though, there are still some things I don't understand,but I suppose if people aren't willing to explain then it doesn't much matter.

I want to believe that the people I care about still care about me, but sometimes you just don't know. I am trying to be okay with it, well, I am starting from today forth to be okay with it. I admit I am hurt and I wish I wasn't my crazy self, but hopefully next time it will be different for me and whomever.

You can only hope for progress and for change in yourself.

This repetitive pattern I use on guys to control and manipulate our relationship is going to stop. I am also going to stop objectifying myself with the crude things I say. That subject is a whole other blog post in itself.

So... all in all, when you can't change what happened try changing yourself because you just might be a part of the reason why things didn't work out.

I am mad, no, pissed off.

I'm hesitant to write how I am feeling right now because I don't want to be too personal on this blog (even though I have been in the past). I don't want to directly use this blog to say stuff that I should be saying in person to people, but I feel the need to say something.

I hate inconsistency.

I hate how things can change from good to bad in an instant.

I hate when you want someone to care and they just don't.

I hate not being able to care when people want me most.

I am in these situations and they control my mind, I read into things that may have meaning but probably don't. I am a typical girl with hurt feelings. And I am on the brink of realizing that people who don't care, don't care at all are in my lives taking my precious time, my precious love. I am not going to do it anymore. I am strong. I am worth so much more. And I have told myself all this before over and over, but I never believed it. I believed I was the one who was wrong, I was the fucked one and now at this moment I no longer have that feeling. All I feel is disgust and hate because the inconsistency drives me mad, so mad that I have been able to rip off this blinding guise and see what people are really made of.

If you can't finish something then don't even fucking make the effort to start.

I don't like you, but I do like you, actually I really like you, but I am not going to text you because you haven't texted me first and I don't want to look eager or anything like that.

I don't understand why we have to be coy about feelings, why I have to play hard to get so that you can chase me. That makes no fucking sense. If I like you then I like you, there's no beating around the bush. I hate that men need to chase something to actually want it. I know it is a better view as I run away from you, but really that is no reason to enjoy the whole "I am going to chase what I can't have" idea. You like the challenge of it all? Then go play a god damn video game or something because I am not a toy that can be chased and grabbed by your mutt like jaws.

Everyone wants to feel liked and wanted, so then why do I have to pretend like I don't want to have you take me out to dinner and be in my bed at night in order to get you to reciprocate feelings?

Why don't you want something you can have?

I don't understand. Maybe this is why I am single.

letting go, starting anew, realizing everything you do

My blog became overtly specific, as if I was pointing fingers at all these "anonymous" people. That's why I took a break. I was hiding behind this blog. You couldn't see me, yet I could say anything I wanted to and talk the most shit ever on all of you. Blogs are an outlet but they shouldn't be how you deal with problems. Write to deal, but don't blog to deal. The internet is a nasty place. So then why am I starting this new post? I am going to try and be general and blog about common situations and ideas. Of course every blog post has some truth to it that actually led to it being written, therefore nothing is ever meaningless.

The reason why I have a blog is to blog about things and have people connect with them. For a while no one read this blog and I was merely writing for myself and now a few people read it here and there. I guess my point is that this blog has importance in my life and to totally discard and delete it would be heartbreaking.

Alright, onto the post I came on here to write.


I am not the best at relationships. In fact I have never had a relationship last long enough to even know if I was good at it, but I suppose since they have never lasted long then that answers that! ***<---disclaimer for everything you are about to read***

I have always had this need and want to be admired and loved, and honestly I have no idea where this addiction/obsession came from. I don't have daddy problems and nothing traumatic ever happened to me as a kid. I had a great childhood and a wonderful family. But this compulsion for the need of acceptance has led to all my destructive tendencies. I want people to think I'm cool. I drink. I want to be friends with them. I smoke. I want him to love me. I have sex with him. It's a sad cycle that I've put myself through while trying to find love in all the wrong places.

My biggest problem I think has been sex and using sex to get someone to like me. Any guy will like you if you have sex with him, but once he cums then you're just like every other girl who has put out. A dime a dozen. For some reason I was never taught that sex was sacred. I never really understood what it was like to have a healthy relationship with another man. And I honestly don't know why.

At times I fall back into my old ways and rely on what is comfortable to me, that being sex. I get so anxious about someone actually getting to know me and liking me for who I am that I instead just throw in the towel and say lets have sex and then I will know you like me (not true). And when I do this they leave and I always wonder why. Now that's not the reason why they all leave. But in the past they have gotten exactly what they wanted and found no reason to entertain the idea of US any longer. Sad, but I bring it on myself. If I let someone get to know me without putting sex in the equation and they still left in the end well at least I would know I hadn't wasted something special on another douche bag.

I guess it all comes down to how much someone really likes you, how much they care, how much they want it to work out. Let me tell you, every girl wants you to fight for her, always. If you don't fight it just confirms everything we have been dreading, the fact that you really don't want to be with us. At least this is how I feel. And in the end when everything is said and done, you look back on what happened and you hold on to this single tiny piece of hope that a fucking miracle will happen and suddenly he will want to be with you again. Part of you says it will never happen and then this other part sneaks up on you and says, "maybe, you never know." And, it's true, you never do know, but in this case it is better to just let go.

Letting go fucking sucks. Not texting him. Not calling him. Not kissing him. Not laughing with him. Not going out to dinner with him. Not having crazy adventures with him. Not doing anything with him. It's like he's a ghost, someone that I used to know who no longer lives here anymore(2 lyrics put together... guess those songs!). But, why try and convince someone you're worth it? Why try and tell someone to make time for you? Why try to put effort in when the other person could care less? It's that damn hope again. And hope is good, but in this situation I think it is better to move on, realize that you're fucking wonderful, and that you will definitely find your soulmate, and to have fun whenever you can.

This doesn't mean you need to cut them out of your life (unless he's a creepy ass stalker) but it just means to let go and start being happy again. You shouldn't need someone to make you happy.

Of course you will think of him. Little things will remind you. But, the only good way to deal with those things is to let it cross your mind and then let it leave.

We all have wasted ourselves on someone who didn't love us. Why waste anymore time, energy, love on them?

continuing

I feel like I learned a lot today.

I am going to try and sum it all up in a semi short not too long post.

So last night I was upset of course about the fact that this thing with the guy I had been seeing ended. I was still upset about it this morning too. And I don't need to cover everything again because if you care to know more about just read my previous posts. Anywho the main point is that I was mad that I had failed again. I was confused as to why the happy giddyness talkativeness stopped. And, I was sad that there didn't seem to be another chance for us to try. All these emotions were fuming and boiling in my body, killing me on the inside and in my mind.
I resorted to talking to a coworker of mine since I really never know who to really talk to. He gave the best advice without giving direct "do this or do that" advice. He mad me realize that all my stressful feelings weren't worth it. And that especially this early in dating him things should be happy and honeymoon like, not sad or stressful. I explained to him how me and this guy were hardly talking anymore and my coworker said that someone should want to talk to you, someone should be excited to talk to you. All in all I realized that this isn't meant to work. I don't believe it's the distance, not for me at least, that made it fall apart, but rather a lack of foundation. Maybe even a lack of commitment? I don't know. I don't know why it didn't work for him (maybe I should ask him, or maybe I should shut my mouth and not worry about it (go with numero dos)). And usually I never know with guys because you know they just aren't wired like us girls. They don't say outright how they feel even when you ask them. For this guy I am not sure what didn't work for him. Let me say though that I am the one who put a stop to it all. But, all this is just fine. Like he said, I am glad I have a more positive attitude about this because I enjoyed the time I spent with him and I loved getting to know him better. Did I want it to work out and keep going till the fall? Yes. But life never works out the way you want it to, and in truth it isn't supposed to.
c

Also, talked to my girl friend who is having a similar problem, okay it's pretty exact, anywho, I told her that if he can't spend a measly 5 minutes on the phone with you then what's the point? She is amazing and worth a million minutes and more! I guess my whole conclusion is to stay close to your heart and how you feel and to always remember that you are worth it.

sad goodbyes

So here I go again. I am at a crossroads, kind of. And you and me are done. Sure we can be friends but don't expect me to go out of my way to say anything because I will make damn sure that I kill all those feelings. Seems severe right? That's what I did with the last one. That's how I was able to get closer to you. I had to make room. And no that's not the healthy way to do it and yes at some point I'll come full circle with you just like I did with him. I can think of him and not feel regret or want. I just feel happy nothingness when I think of him. When I think of you I just feel disappointment. But I am not disappointed in you, only in myself. So, here I am at these crossroads and I will bury you beneath me, you're far enough away that I don't have to think about you and now I can start to distract myself with happier things. Maybe I'll find someone else, maybe I won't. I don't really care. I just don't want to feel like this. Feel like such a failure at these things. And yes I am young but you don't know me or my past and even if you did maybe it wouldn't make a difference. I want happiness, that's all.

forever never lasts

I don't know everything. In fact, I don't know a lot of things, but I feel like I am right about what I am going to say next. Nothing lasts forever. That's why it's called the circle of life because it's this cyclic pattern that never focuses on one thing staying permanent forever. Love doesn't last forever. Family doesn't last forever. Pain doesn't last forever. Lovers don't last forever. Even the end doesn't last forever if you really think about it. Something new always arises from the ashes.

Anywho, I, like many other people get hung up on things that don't go perfectly or on things that are painful or unhappy. Those reactions of pain and regret and hate and negativity are primal emotions that we should not ignore or try to hide, but they are also not the epitome of our existence. I've been in that place where I saw no end. There was no way out. But that's the beauty of it because my pain and sadness ended eventually, and there was a way out.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we get stuck in our feelings and honestly there's just not enough time to waste on those feelings. Life is not forever either. I am not saying be happy all the time because it is good to be sad. I just mean that none of this lasts. Eventually I'll die, my dad will die, my dog will die, my love will die, my home won't be my home anymore, etc. The reason why we survive is because we can adapt and continue on even in the face of great change.

It's hard to think that every moment is precious and that all this could instantly end for no particular reason at all.

But I want to live in adventure and happiness.

And I will say this, people who try and stop you from that should not be in your life. My best friend is a crazy weirdo. Someone I don't really know anymore. And though I have been sad that she is no longer in my life I can't have her in it cause she is so negative towards me. I would welcome her back if she was like her old self but who can say if that will ever happen. I am not mad at her, I love her, but I also know that she is not a good fit for my life right now. I can understand that saying that is wrong. Best friends are forever. But people change as life changes. That's the way it is. I hope that I really start to focus on my happiness instead of my unhappiness, cause the unhappiness and the happiness will pass too and I'd rather be happy for as long as I can be.

Like I said, it's okay to be sad and have regrets and have pain, just as long as you realize that those feelings will not last because only then can you begin to let go and move onto the next thing. Life is never ending and not forever either.

for all those who struggle

April the 20th. Such an infamous day. I don't really remember what I was doing last year at this time. I am guessing I was either smoking with my brother or my boys from sttc. Whatever I was doing I am not doing it now. So since late December, a little before Christmas, I have been sober from alcohol and drugs. I have had one slip up where I had two drinks while in Hollywood with friends but other than that I've been clean and sober. I have tried before to be sober and it has never worked. Maybe it's because I am older and wiser or maybe it's not those things at all. Maybe I am sober because I actually want to be. Though it's true that I want to be sober it is also true that I wish I could not be an alcoholic, but I am. And my addiction or craving may not ever go away, and I may never be able to have just one drink, and I may not be sober a year from now. It's not negativity, it's reality. What I do know is that I am sober today and very happy because of it.


You know, I should make a laundry list of all the bad shit that has happened to me while being under the influence... it's honestly amazing how persistent I was with my abuse despite all these situations that put me in danger. It would be a long fucking list.
And I've seen some of my friends, friends who still use and honestly I am glad I am not where they are. One of my friends is now in prison. I need to write him *puts on todo list immediately*. And then there are my other friends, the functioning druggies. I honestly dunno how they do it. But 20 years from now, will they still be functioning? Who can say... maybe and hopefully science by then will be able to cure all the shit that substance abuse causes.

I apologize if it sounds like I am dissing (could not think of a better word than that) my friends but that's not my intention. I am trying to get across that I could've been one of them, but I am glad I am not because I probably wouldn't be alive to even write this.

Now don't get ahead of yourself, I was not a heroin addict(though it did sound appealing at a time). I was just an addict of everything. Addicted to drinking, smoking, cutting, bullying myself, sleeping, drugs, love, control, sex, etc. All these destructive things(yes, love can be very destructive at times) that I thought would make my life better only worsened it. And to top it off I was mixing. Mixing all of these things just made my fucking head spin. My prescribed pills, my alcohol, my drugs... all together in one melting pot. Jesus christ I was so fucking unstoppable. Only I could stop the pain. That's the hardest part about changing your life around, nobody else can do it for you.

Now this isn't to say I don't have cravings because I do, all the time. In particular it has been cutting. I see these pictures of people with torn up wrists and I drool with want. I am like an obese child at McDonalds. Now that probably doesn't make sense. And maybe another day I'll devote a post to it, but not now. Anywho, I want it bad. So how do I stop it? I don't really know because sometimes I fantasize about it and eventually it leaves my mind or I remind myself how it won't solve my problems. Granted I have not been overtly depressed in a while. Which is good! The pills are working, bravo!!!

I used to get hung up on my pills. I thought they created this fake version of me and that I was fooling people into liking me. At times I still feel that way, but right now I see it as me treating my disease. Yes, there is bullshit science shit that says depression doesn't exist and that's all well and mighty for those people who don't have it but for the ones who do, they know, they understand.

My parents read that stuff all the time. They wanted me off the pills even though they were ok with it at first. Maybe they thought it was teen angst like everyone else did. welp pills is also another post in itself so I'll stop here. Addictions come in many forms, admitting to yourself that you're powerless and need help is the first step.
Stay strong, hope is real. And today I am sober :)

she's got too much love

Maybe I come on too strong. Maybe I'll look back and realize that I should've been more cautious. But I can't stop it. I won't. I'm quite happy shamelessly crushing and if I'm too hot then everyone should get out of the damn kitchen. I'm a flame that burns if you play with me too much, yet I'll dance around and warm your soul with my touch. Point being, nothing is in the middle for me. I am either high or low. It is rare that I am peacefully content. Maybe that's my problem, my need to stir the pot. I create my own problems. If I look into the future I know I am going to learn from this, like I learn from everything else, therefore, no experience be wasted.

I've said my peace and am going to stop bullying myself over my feelings (for now at least).

zip it

I didn't say anything. I kept my mouth shut. I still don't know why or what it is, but for now I'm content with this. I know. I trust. I am different. Now maybe down the road I'll have to speak up. Some say get it over with now before it's too late. And maybe I'll change my mind, I do it all the time. And then I can deal with the repercussions of the situation. I am fearful. I don't want to live in fear. I stopped myself from breaking the fear up because maybe it's just something I am not meant to understand. I don't know. I know there's a connection. There's fire above and below. I know there are other connections. All I can hope is that ours grows stronger.

going on a journey

Here I am again.

And I am scared, but I am also hopeful of what is to come.
I want to eat grilled cheeses with you, watch movies and cuddle, kiss you, do dirty things with you, grind my nails into your arms and of course mark you with my bites. I want this weekend to be as good as it can be. Yeah, you might get tired of me and I think that's what I fear. If you suddenly become mad at me then that's okay cause we can fix it. If you feel like you want to hit me over the head with a frying pan because I am so annoying, well, I can't do much about it.

I've never done this. I have never spent a weekend with a guy. I always leave. I never sleepover. I remember there was this moment at sfsu where I made this guy I was seeing walk me back to my dorm at 3 am, in the titty freezing cold, every time we hooked up/hungout.

So of course I am nervous. I don't know what it is like to sleep next to someone from night till morning. Just kidding, I totally just remembered, I have slept over at a guys house. He was my first boyfriend that I had deep feelings for, but it was honestly such a fucked up relationship. Anywho, I would lie to my parents about where I was going, get wasted off Captain Morgan and then try and fall asleep with him. Even though I was so drunk it was hard to sleep next to him. How someone sleeps is a private thing. I don't look pretty like some girls do when they sleep. I am not worried about being pretty, I was just making a statement. Like I said, I am nervous, but I trust him. I trust that things will pan out as they may no matter how much I want to control them. I just hope that this whole blow up was just a part of the game and that if we hit another blow up that I will handle it better. I want this to work.

...

Things feel heavy
seeping into the ground
suffocating the atoms
burning off oxygen
weighing me down


My face is starting to crack
cheeks chiseled from smiling
eyes reek of broken happiness
the tears burn a trail for the rest
It leads them to death


And the love lights all fixtures
masking out the darkness
we pretend to be cannibals
feeding off our own toxins
the sickness coats everything


And then we break
the things we pined for dissolve
too much sick to get well
too much hell to find heaven
loneliness wins


Thanks sweet nothings.
Thank you for winning again.