21st century love

I've heard so many things about love and relationships. I could write a book with all that I've ever been told, but the book on what I actually know about love and relationships would be a very small picture book with phrases starting out with, "I think..."

The love I've experienced is not like the movies I watch, not like the novels I read and not even close to how everyone tells me it is supposed to be.

I just don't know what to do.

I sometimes think it would be better if I could go back to a time when love was simpler. When you married cause you had to and not cause you wanted to. When marriages were arranged. When there was no texting or tumblr or facebook as the main means to communicate with your love.

I want to go back to when people wrote letters, and came to your door with flowers before the date, and who met your parents the very first night they took you out.

May be I am just silly and getting worried about nothing, but I think pure love between two people is a dying art.

No one can say "I love you," without sending it in a text first.

No one can have a stable relationship till they declare it on facebook.

No one feels loved unless their pictures on instagram and their statuses are all filled with their lover's name and face.

I don't know what love looks like between me and another individual, but I do want it to be so much more than what I see, what I hear and the little that I know.

something needs to be said.

I'm sorry.

I'm not easy. I've got problems. I think I know what I want, but in reality I am always a little bit unsure. I can be so ridiculous. I can be the biggest headfuck ever. I will change my mind every minute. I will use friendship as leverage. I have the need to control everything. I am immature in most respects.

All this nonsense is me. I am not saying all of this is okay because it is not. It is never okay to treat someone badly, but it happens because we all fuck up and we all don't know how to be good in shitty situations.

But, that is life.

I think we gradually learn how to deal. Some of us are late bloomers in that department, me included.
And you know a day later after everything I always feel better, much better. I feel better because I know I am not the only one who fears being alone. I feel better because the people who love me are honestly the most beautiful people I have ever met. And, lastly, I feel better because I know my life will go on.

You can't plan your life. That's just not how it works. And I wasn't planning all of this to happen, but it did. I was unprepared on how to act. But this is life. This is what life is made out of, the failures and the victories. You just gotta learn from it. That's the hardest part for me, not making the same mistakes over and over again.

I'm sorry. I'm high maintenance, but working on it.

I was livid yesterday, and now a day later I feel differently about it all.

I realized at times I can be a little insane, a little mad, a little uncertain, a bit high maintenance.

I never thought of myself as high maintenance because I don't need or expect any guy to get me gifts n shit.

But, since I AM INCONSISTENT with how I feel, changing from one side of the spectrum to the next in a blink of an eye, I am high maintenance. I am a lot of work in a relationship.

For me to blame others for being inconsistent is me being a hypocrite.

Besides, after you have thrown people from left field to right field to all over, well they tend to be less than willing in all respects.

It is like I am mad because someone doesn't like me at this moment when I like them, but, a month ago they liked me and I was questioning it all.

See. Hypocrite.

I understand where I went wrong, the insane pattern I put myself and men through. Though, there are still some things I don't understand,but I suppose if people aren't willing to explain then it doesn't much matter.

I want to believe that the people I care about still care about me, but sometimes you just don't know. I am trying to be okay with it, well, I am starting from today forth to be okay with it. I admit I am hurt and I wish I wasn't my crazy self, but hopefully next time it will be different for me and whomever.

You can only hope for progress and for change in yourself.

This repetitive pattern I use on guys to control and manipulate our relationship is going to stop. I am also going to stop objectifying myself with the crude things I say. That subject is a whole other blog post in itself.

So... all in all, when you can't change what happened try changing yourself because you just might be a part of the reason why things didn't work out.

I don't like you, but I do like you, actually I really like you, but I am not going to text you because you haven't texted me first and I don't want to look eager or anything like that.

I don't understand why we have to be coy about feelings, why I have to play hard to get so that you can chase me. That makes no fucking sense. If I like you then I like you, there's no beating around the bush. I hate that men need to chase something to actually want it. I know it is a better view as I run away from you, but really that is no reason to enjoy the whole "I am going to chase what I can't have" idea. You like the challenge of it all? Then go play a god damn video game or something because I am not a toy that can be chased and grabbed by your mutt like jaws.

Everyone wants to feel liked and wanted, so then why do I have to pretend like I don't want to have you take me out to dinner and be in my bed at night in order to get you to reciprocate feelings?

Why don't you want something you can have?

I don't understand. Maybe this is why I am single.

CODSWALLOP

I've been feeling lost, like a little girl looking for her mom in the grocery store lost. I've been trying to fill voids, trying to run away from my fears, trying to be stagnant. Who the fuck wants to be stagnant? Bacteria grows more so in stagnant water and welp that is just gross. I don't want bacteria coming out of my ears even though biologically or something it already is. Sorry. I feel like I've been denying myself the necessities of life just because I've been scared and or I didn't want to deal.

Bottom line : I am single and it sucks. When I try and get close to someone it just never works. I destroy it before it can start. I get scared. I need comfort always. And most the time I feel lonely. Plus seeing past "lovers" find someone else is always a bit disheartening.

BUT

it's okay.

Why is it okay?

because at this moment I am tired of loving people and not being loved in return. I am tired of people loving me and not being able to return their love.

My gyno spoke some words of wisdom the other day...

You can always get sex, but you can't always have a relationship.

So simple, so true.

You know all I want is for someone to get to know me, love me for who I am, be my friend and stay around for longer than a few months. Sex not included.

And I think tonight I just realized that it is all codswallop in the end. You heard me, CODSWALLOP.

Bottom line 2: I miss people. I miss you and you and you, oh, and especially you.

BUT

my pride is too big.

Bottom Line 3: I've been lying to myself about everything. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

Bottom Line 4: I am scared of a lot of things

BUT

I hope I realize that it is fear that is stopping me from living. I stand in my own way.




So in conclusion, I feel lost, really fucking lost, but I have now realized that I am lost so maybe now I can begin to wander.

yolo unicorn

It has taken me a while to come to the place I am now. Today, after a very rigorous and in your face lecture about life from my film 1 teacher, I felt different. Like a new soul breathing again for the first time in a while. He basically reassured all my fears which was good in the sense that now I know what to expect (for the most part). I thought I was alone in my fear of the future.

And yes the fear is still there, but at least now I know that it is just a part of the process.

He talked about how we don't realize that we are pissing away our youth on stupid shit. I completely understand. I have been wasting myself, my mind, my soul on what I thought to be so important. I'm 20. 20 years old and in a sense I have all the time in the world and yet none at all. I want to be happy like I was today, but everyday. I was finally free from my regret, my fears(some of them). I've seriously probably aged myself so much with all the worrying I've done in the past. And I know I am not fixed and that I will have good days and bad, but to not do exactly what you want because you are too afraid is the most horrid mistake of them all.

Looking back on past experiences, jobs, relationships, and friendships, I realize they all served a purpose. It was destiny or fate the way things happened. I don't know how or why, but all these things happened for a reason. It's the circle of life. A cyclic process that breaks us down and then builds us back up (if we use it to our advantage). Life is suffering, and how you deal with the suffering makes you the person you are.

I haven't dealt with things healthily in the past, but the amazing thing about life is that tomorrow is a new day, a new chance.

Do what makes you crumble with fear.

letting go, starting anew, realizing everything you do

My blog became overtly specific, as if I was pointing fingers at all these "anonymous" people. That's why I took a break. I was hiding behind this blog. You couldn't see me, yet I could say anything I wanted to and talk the most shit ever on all of you. Blogs are an outlet but they shouldn't be how you deal with problems. Write to deal, but don't blog to deal. The internet is a nasty place. So then why am I starting this new post? I am going to try and be general and blog about common situations and ideas. Of course every blog post has some truth to it that actually led to it being written, therefore nothing is ever meaningless.

The reason why I have a blog is to blog about things and have people connect with them. For a while no one read this blog and I was merely writing for myself and now a few people read it here and there. I guess my point is that this blog has importance in my life and to totally discard and delete it would be heartbreaking.

Alright, onto the post I came on here to write.


I am not the best at relationships. In fact I have never had a relationship last long enough to even know if I was good at it, but I suppose since they have never lasted long then that answers that! ***<---disclaimer for everything you are about to read***

I have always had this need and want to be admired and loved, and honestly I have no idea where this addiction/obsession came from. I don't have daddy problems and nothing traumatic ever happened to me as a kid. I had a great childhood and a wonderful family. But this compulsion for the need of acceptance has led to all my destructive tendencies. I want people to think I'm cool. I drink. I want to be friends with them. I smoke. I want him to love me. I have sex with him. It's a sad cycle that I've put myself through while trying to find love in all the wrong places.

My biggest problem I think has been sex and using sex to get someone to like me. Any guy will like you if you have sex with him, but once he cums then you're just like every other girl who has put out. A dime a dozen. For some reason I was never taught that sex was sacred. I never really understood what it was like to have a healthy relationship with another man. And I honestly don't know why.

At times I fall back into my old ways and rely on what is comfortable to me, that being sex. I get so anxious about someone actually getting to know me and liking me for who I am that I instead just throw in the towel and say lets have sex and then I will know you like me (not true). And when I do this they leave and I always wonder why. Now that's not the reason why they all leave. But in the past they have gotten exactly what they wanted and found no reason to entertain the idea of US any longer. Sad, but I bring it on myself. If I let someone get to know me without putting sex in the equation and they still left in the end well at least I would know I hadn't wasted something special on another douche bag.

I guess it all comes down to how much someone really likes you, how much they care, how much they want it to work out. Let me tell you, every girl wants you to fight for her, always. If you don't fight it just confirms everything we have been dreading, the fact that you really don't want to be with us. At least this is how I feel. And in the end when everything is said and done, you look back on what happened and you hold on to this single tiny piece of hope that a fucking miracle will happen and suddenly he will want to be with you again. Part of you says it will never happen and then this other part sneaks up on you and says, "maybe, you never know." And, it's true, you never do know, but in this case it is better to just let go.

Letting go fucking sucks. Not texting him. Not calling him. Not kissing him. Not laughing with him. Not going out to dinner with him. Not having crazy adventures with him. Not doing anything with him. It's like he's a ghost, someone that I used to know who no longer lives here anymore(2 lyrics put together... guess those songs!). But, why try and convince someone you're worth it? Why try and tell someone to make time for you? Why try to put effort in when the other person could care less? It's that damn hope again. And hope is good, but in this situation I think it is better to move on, realize that you're fucking wonderful, and that you will definitely find your soulmate, and to have fun whenever you can.

This doesn't mean you need to cut them out of your life (unless he's a creepy ass stalker) but it just means to let go and start being happy again. You shouldn't need someone to make you happy.

Of course you will think of him. Little things will remind you. But, the only good way to deal with those things is to let it cross your mind and then let it leave.

We all have wasted ourselves on someone who didn't love us. Why waste anymore time, energy, love on them?

continuing

I feel like I learned a lot today.

I am going to try and sum it all up in a semi short not too long post.

So last night I was upset of course about the fact that this thing with the guy I had been seeing ended. I was still upset about it this morning too. And I don't need to cover everything again because if you care to know more about just read my previous posts. Anywho the main point is that I was mad that I had failed again. I was confused as to why the happy giddyness talkativeness stopped. And, I was sad that there didn't seem to be another chance for us to try. All these emotions were fuming and boiling in my body, killing me on the inside and in my mind.
I resorted to talking to a coworker of mine since I really never know who to really talk to. He gave the best advice without giving direct "do this or do that" advice. He mad me realize that all my stressful feelings weren't worth it. And that especially this early in dating him things should be happy and honeymoon like, not sad or stressful. I explained to him how me and this guy were hardly talking anymore and my coworker said that someone should want to talk to you, someone should be excited to talk to you. All in all I realized that this isn't meant to work. I don't believe it's the distance, not for me at least, that made it fall apart, but rather a lack of foundation. Maybe even a lack of commitment? I don't know. I don't know why it didn't work for him (maybe I should ask him, or maybe I should shut my mouth and not worry about it (go with numero dos)). And usually I never know with guys because you know they just aren't wired like us girls. They don't say outright how they feel even when you ask them. For this guy I am not sure what didn't work for him. Let me say though that I am the one who put a stop to it all. But, all this is just fine. Like he said, I am glad I have a more positive attitude about this because I enjoyed the time I spent with him and I loved getting to know him better. Did I want it to work out and keep going till the fall? Yes. But life never works out the way you want it to, and in truth it isn't supposed to.
c

Also, talked to my girl friend who is having a similar problem, okay it's pretty exact, anywho, I told her that if he can't spend a measly 5 minutes on the phone with you then what's the point? She is amazing and worth a million minutes and more! I guess my whole conclusion is to stay close to your heart and how you feel and to always remember that you are worth it.

sad goodbyes

So here I go again. I am at a crossroads, kind of. And you and me are done. Sure we can be friends but don't expect me to go out of my way to say anything because I will make damn sure that I kill all those feelings. Seems severe right? That's what I did with the last one. That's how I was able to get closer to you. I had to make room. And no that's not the healthy way to do it and yes at some point I'll come full circle with you just like I did with him. I can think of him and not feel regret or want. I just feel happy nothingness when I think of him. When I think of you I just feel disappointment. But I am not disappointed in you, only in myself. So, here I am at these crossroads and I will bury you beneath me, you're far enough away that I don't have to think about you and now I can start to distract myself with happier things. Maybe I'll find someone else, maybe I won't. I don't really care. I just don't want to feel like this. Feel like such a failure at these things. And yes I am young but you don't know me or my past and even if you did maybe it wouldn't make a difference. I want happiness, that's all.

she's got too much love

Maybe I come on too strong. Maybe I'll look back and realize that I should've been more cautious. But I can't stop it. I won't. I'm quite happy shamelessly crushing and if I'm too hot then everyone should get out of the damn kitchen. I'm a flame that burns if you play with me too much, yet I'll dance around and warm your soul with my touch. Point being, nothing is in the middle for me. I am either high or low. It is rare that I am peacefully content. Maybe that's my problem, my need to stir the pot. I create my own problems. If I look into the future I know I am going to learn from this, like I learn from everything else, therefore, no experience be wasted.

I've said my peace and am going to stop bullying myself over my feelings (for now at least).

zip it

I didn't say anything. I kept my mouth shut. I still don't know why or what it is, but for now I'm content with this. I know. I trust. I am different. Now maybe down the road I'll have to speak up. Some say get it over with now before it's too late. And maybe I'll change my mind, I do it all the time. And then I can deal with the repercussions of the situation. I am fearful. I don't want to live in fear. I stopped myself from breaking the fear up because maybe it's just something I am not meant to understand. I don't know. I know there's a connection. There's fire above and below. I know there are other connections. All I can hope is that ours grows stronger.

salt in my cuts

I want this all to stop. I don't want anyone to text me or call me or ask me to do things or say I'm pretty or anything. I want to be alone because it all hurts too much. Life is pain. My best friend is on another freaking planet. We don't exist in each other's worlds anymore. And even if she did exist here I wouldn't even know who she was. It hurts so much to see someone you used to love just morph into something so different and cold. Your negativity kills me. I can't be around that even if I wanted to be. Maybe it's drugs or your drinking or maybe it's him, whatever the reason I just wish you would go back to being the best friend I've always had.

And you. You are this person I've always wanted, someone I've been looking for all along and unfortunately you live so far away that none of this even matters. And a long distance relationship isn't possible I know, but I keep pretending it's in the cards for us. And even if we tried I feel like we would still be sad in the end. And a part of me just wants to bury you, like I did him so that I wouldn't have to deal with the harsh realities. I mean this cutesy thing we do over text and skype is so nice but at the end of the day you will be fucking someone else and I'll be waiting for your call. Yes, I am immature like her. I hate wanting what I can't have and instead of dealing with it I'd rather forget it all.

Ladies, HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

Lately I have been reading, he's just not that into you, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I have never been one to buy self help books or dating books, but I must say that this "no excuse book to understanding guys," is my new bible. That is a bit of an exaggeration because I do not agree with everything the book suggests, but I have found that men make more sense. To sum it up, any excuse a woman gives for a guy's lacking qualities results in the conclusion that "he's just not that into you." After reading all the questions that women have submitted to Greg I can see that they will go to great lengths to deny themselves the truth, and that truth is, "he's just not that into you." I am not above making excuses as to why someone didn't like me because who wants to admit that to themselves? I sure don't, but sometimes facing reality helps you move on and recently it has helped me to move on.

After a tumultuous relationship/friendship/datingship I tried to try again with him only to find out that, he just wasn't that into me. People give excuses about being too busy, or being scared to love again after being hurt or even not wanting things to get complicated again but that is all codswallop in my opinion. If you really like someone, want someone, care for someone then no lack of time nor fear of being hurt will stop you because you know that that person is worth all of it. So after my re-attempt and failure at trying to convince someone I was worth it, I took a deep breath and carried on. I know I deserve to be happy and have someone who wants to get to know every bit of me and spend time with me as much as they can. It's a shame it wasn't him. In the past I would've been mopey and sad, but now I am just ready to say, "NEXT!" I don't mean to insinuate that I go through men like I go through diet cokes, I just mean I am not going to worry about it. I want happiness and if I meet someone while on the road to being happy then great, but I surely won't spend my time feeling like I am not enough. I am enough and even more.

One more thing, I have used and abused myself in the past because I didn't grow up thinking I was worth anything. I am here to let you know that your past is just a state of mind and each day you can change how you're going to live your life. You don't have to be that ugly person from the past, you can be pure again if you truly want to be.

change can be good when you can't change the present

My dog follows me into my room and jumps on my bed as if it is his favorite place to be, then he lets out a silent fart and I just about gag from the smell. Why Cody, why?

Anywho...

Lately (within the past few days) I have been in a transitional period. Currently, I am in the process of changing my priorities because my prior arrangement didn't work out so well.

I used to say that I loved change, but change can be and is more drastic than just changing your hair color (which I also enjoy doing). In reality 99% of the time I fucking hate change because it is uncomfortable and uncontrollable. Right now I am trying to focus on...
A. what makes me happy instead of what makes me sad (an obvious solution) B. school C. things other than my emotions
I have to say I am doing better than I thought I would be at this point, but that is only because I haven't had to deal with a certain uncomfortable issue. I don't like to beat around the bush about things, and I am all about being honest, saying what you want to say. But, right now since I haven't cleared the air face to face with him I'll keep my objective to myself. I will say that you have to do what is best for you, always. I am not talking about using people as stepping stones to get ahead, but for example if you are being hurt you need to oust yourself from that situation no matter the consequences. So, in this case he did what he thought was more important and accidentally, with no intention on his part, I got hurt. Now instead of hurting and whining and moaning and complaining I am trying to eliminate the hurt by taking certain precautions (which sucks but I really have no other choice). I'd love to be the person who doesn't care or who bounces back within the day going back to normality, but that's not me. It takes me some time to recharge my batteries. And my feelings will still be there and all but it is almost like I have shut them out in order for me to move on.

The other day someone told me this quote and I have heard it before, but never with the subject being a butterfly ( they always say if you love "something"... something is so impersonal ). Now all I can visualize is me squashing a butterfly and having bug goop on my hands.
You know, if you try to hold a butterfly tightly in your hand, it will die. You have to let it go. If it comes back, it is truly yours, but if it doesn't, it never really was.
tada! Great quote!
Anywho, I plan on focusing on school and maybe getting back on the playing field. (if I even have the time).

Lastly, change isn't as easy as changing your hair color but it certainly is not as permanent either. You have the ability to shift the pieces of your life, making a bad change into a good one depending on your attitude.
Maybe I can take everything I learned from this last situation and apply it in my next attempt at getting to know someone on a deeply personal level.

too much to say or just not enough room on the page

I don't even know where to start because all my feelings are bouncing off the sides of my brain like ping pong balls. I warn you that this is going to be a long blog, so if you plan on reading it, sit down and get yourself some popcorn.

This week was incredibly eye opening for me in a lot of ways. I started off the week with a cold creeping up on me and then it suddenly took over and became a sinus infection. But I powered through and did what I had to do... I got my butt up for school, I went to the doctor's office, made it to therapy, wrote a script till 3 am, filmed half of my film production class project and got errands done all the while I coughed up a lung mind you. Sometimes you don't know what you're capable of till you push yourself to the limit. Last semester I would've probably skipped a week because of this damn infection, but since I have found my passion in film it seems much easier to bear the 4 hour classes (though I do like to bitch about it over twitter but honestly deep down I love it).

Quick synopsis on how our filming went today...It was fabulous. It was maybe not the most time efficient and planned out story, but besides my fear that Professor Myers will hate my writing/story I feel good about it. I finally have a voice amongst people. In my last group I felt like half the time I was steamrolled by the guys in my group and now I am arguing my opinion and trying to be strong in a world of criticism. It seemed like everyone was able to collaborate really well which is a big change from all the arguing that went on in my last group. So, if the first project is a flop at least we will have the opportunity to make a better 2nd project. Though it annoys me that one of our group members decided not to be a part of the filming and then asked us to put him in the credits as editor of the video. Yeah Fucking Right. If you can't commit just quit. I don't have time for slackers getting in the way of my dream.


Next topic: True love and therapy. This week in therapy I realized the insane repetition I have been putting myself through... It goes like this: meet a guy, go on a few dates, decide he is the best thing ever, try to move things forward, realize we want different things, fuck him just to keep him around, and then constantly worry about why he doesn't call or like my pictures anymore. I disgust myself, but I am willing to see that I have already come a long way and that the next person I meet I will treat differently.
It is unfortunate that I have let this happen again because now all that remains is tense sexual attraction and broken feelings. Somehow over the years, sex and being sexual has become my "default screen." The only thing I wanted from the last two guys that I dated was develop a connection and be around them and with them. When I knew they were too busy with bigger and better things I offered up the sex card because no guy is going to refuse hanging out with me if I or any other girl offers a hookup. It is a hard reality but somewhere deep in the caverns of my mind I think that playing that card will help me and make things right. It won't, it will only make them worse. Some girls ( or aliens ) can have casual sex, but I cannot. Point is it makes me sad that that was what it came too, that I let it go that far because all I feel like it ever was to them was just sexual tension. I had feelings but the street has to be two sided in love. The last sex I had was one of the best and weirdest sexual experiences ( in a good way ) that I have ever had but it was nothing close to what I wanted. I want to "make love" not fuck. Sometimes our actions don't match our actual truths. So here I am alone, with a uti infection and a sinus infection. HAHAHA jeez but I can't be too sad cause I know I've got better shit to look forward to instead of being sad about silly boys. One thing though... for once it felt perfect, that feeling of the world stopping as you talk with someone and smile back at them, it felt true and pure and totally harmless, it was everything I wanted. And now I am trying to rebuild it, well not that ^ but just the basic foundation of friendship. Though even that seems to be a bit difficult because I don't want to be that clingy girl who gets her hopes up and broken again. I don't want to hope for anything at all.
In a sense I'd rather be alone than fool myself. I am not sure what is going to happen but I am going to try and stay positive about all aspects of my love life future.

This is the most important part out of this whole post. As a writer and an artist I reveal my overdramatic response to the situations and experiences in my life. Just because I write something doesn't mean I believe it or won't change my mind a day later ( no, I am not bipolar ). The way I write is how I see it on the projector screen in my head. It is just like a movie, a projection of reality instead of actual reality. So if you know or date an artist please understand that these posts are merely everything colliding in their head, regurgitated back on paper. If you are ever curious just ask.
One last thing... this is my savior that allows me to tell you all the things I can't seem to speak out loud. I wish things were back at the beginning but as we all know we can't go back in time. I don't know how to be normal with you when I feel like normal for us was completely different from how we feel now. I am sad that I don't know how you feel about all this and that I ask for constant reassurance but I know that it is only because at some point I stopped seeing it in your actions. And maybe you disagree and thought you gave everything you could. Maybe you want to make the argument that you told me everything you were looking for up front. Regardless of all reasons whether right or wrong this is how I feel.
Take it or leave it.

I haven’t been able to differentiate the past repeating itself and the present I’ve lost my sparkle and now it seems as if I’ll never get it back I know this is not true but you can’t always right a wrong All of it feels too good to be real that’s why I question it And then it is really the past being regurgitated before my eyes How do I stop the comparisons? Why can’t the sparkle thrive and thrive till it blossoms? I have this ability to kill it My thoughts, my woes, my everything is like carbon monoxide to the lungs You seize up and forget the fact that you were once breathing All you know is right now you can’t inhale even a breath of life Who will save me? No one will ever save me or you It is all up to me to fix me, to give myself some courage To fix the right that was never wrong To bring back my everlasting sparkle.

and today ...

So, I don't even know where to start. I have all these thoughts in my head and I just want to put em down somewhere where I can see them and sort them all out. So I did something bad, to you it may even seem horrible, but to me it's just bad. I really don't know how I get myself into these situations or how I can just ignore my morals or how I can sneak around so easily and not feel any pain towards the people I am hurting. Am I a monster? Maybe I'm nothing more than that. I was hooking up with two brothers at the same time and I recently, and finally told the only brother who didn't know what was going on. The shitty thing about having to tell the truth is knowing that in the end you could possibly hurt someone. And even worse about telling the truth when you have caused distress or pain is not having any consequences, therefore it then teaches you nothing(unless you're a fast learner, unlike me). Sometimes I even make the same mistakes twice. Anywho the shittiest thing about this guy I care about is that it's a lost cause, and I wish I could explain to you why it is a lost cause but I suppose that's too information for a blog and if he ever read this he probably wouldn't appreciate this. But telling the brother that didn't know was heartrenching, relieving, and it made me feel like a slut. Which I undoubtedly admit I am. I need not tell you how many or who I have had intimate relationships with but all I can tell you is that most of them got a free show without ever buying a ticket. Which is horrible! Do I not have any self worth ? I am just a silly young girl, but that doesn't justify my actions at all. I did the things I did usually under the influence and usually just for fun. Some of the people I had feelings for, and others none at all. It just sucks knowing that you wasted your time on people who didn't even care and who only wanted you for that one thing. And I am not trying to stereotype guys but usually that's all they are ever after, which is sex. And I hate to say that and maybe someday someone will prove me wrong. All together I think I should, for my own good, stay away from guys.

sorry not very interesting just had to vent.