why is it so hot in here?

Life is hard. Why am I back on here? I want to keep moving forward, but here I am sitting on my couch like a lifeless sack of nothing. Is nothing inherently lifeless? I don't know. I am having a mini panic attack in my mind. Another year of school? oh fuck. No tattoos from my tattooer beau? Oh fuck. No more drinking? Oh fuck. I am scared. Scared about the past and scared about the future. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I should've kept with biology and tried desperately to bribe someone to give me a PhD. The only thing that seems sensible right now is masturbating. Masturbating is a mindless activity that solves everything. Well, sort of.

Breathe Molly. I am beginning to get neurotic with nervousness. This post is merely a place to hold my words. I'd be lying if I didn't say that writing is my passion and has always been my saving grace. I hate how inactive in film I am right now. It breaks my heart. I kind of just want to go buy an expensive camera and start creating stupid shit. No fear filming. This is just one of those moments when the past creeps up on you, taps your shoulder and whispers, "Hey, I'm baccccckkkkk!" God damn.

I just want to erase and start over. You can start over, but your past will forever be there waiting to remind you that you've fucked up before and that you can do it again, fuck up, that is.

It suddenly got sweltering hot in this room.

Oh god, pre menopause.

I haven't even sold a script yet. Menopause, wait!

read with sarcasm

Life right now is kind of overwhelmingly shitty.

Now on a positive note, I am completely desperate for kinky sex, actually just any sex.
Sorry, just being honest here.

It is really not attractive, being as desperate as I am, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I mean I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am just looking for a lil dickation.

Yup, dickation {dick vacation}.

And about every guy in the OC sucks a fat cock or knows the last guy I slept with because they met in high school or some bull shit like that. So really I have no expectations, except maybe to get an orgasm.

I mean if I am not using drugs or alcohol I still need something to fill the void, right?

Read this with a sarcastic tone. Then again sarcasm holds truth.

Blah what a week and a half this has been.

If only I could have kinky amazing sex and figure out an amazing feature film idea.

Dancing like the weird mother fucker that I am last night definitely helped me forget about everything, still, this pussy needs a good time.

Alright.

the answers to the questions we all ask

What do you do when you're afraid of losing someone, a different someone all over again?

What do you do when you are afraid of letting everyone down, even though you're trying to do what's right for you?

What do you do when you want something so bad, but you know it's toxic?

What do you do?



-once I find some sort of resolution to all these questions I'll let you know, but for now feel free to answer with your own wisdom.

My updated life status: utterly torn and confused.

new hair. no hair.

Today I shaved/buzzed my hair off. Well, Shea actually did it for me.

I have always wanted to shave my head and after seeing my cousin, Taylor, shave hers when I was pretty young, I told myself that I wanted to do the same.

Besides having an inkling for wanting to shave my head, I also did it for another reason.

I originally grew up in Garden Grove/Los Alamitos area and then we moved to my current location when I was around 4 years old. I grew up from start to finish with one family in particular, The Escovedos. They are in the majority of all our family movies. Me and Casey were best friends with our dee dees and blankies. And, in all sincerity they have made me be the person I am today.

Even though we saw them less when we moved away, we still saw them a lot. They were like my "step" family. I remember so many things from the moments I have spent with them... Paul McCartney concert, shaver lake, Cam's graduation, Password Champs, The bat on the boat, Bass Lake, BILL, yoshi, too much wine, The Beatles, These cards are marked de a mess!!!, giving casey spy kits for any holiday, fio ritos, crystal cove, watching VHS tapes in the car on our way to Bass, Cameron pretending to be a shark and grabbing my leg in the lake, Petunia and Vernon, FORKS, Steve losing his glasses, My dad catching over 50 fish in one week AND a whole lot of other moments...unfortunately it is boring for anyone who wasn't there to experience these tid bits of my memories.

I shaved my head because of Shawna. Shawna has now been free from her GBM for 5 years and is now undergoing treatment for a completely new and different cancer. Myeloma, to be exact. She shaved her head because she is going to lose her hair anyways. I thought that in honor of her I should shave mine too. For fuck sake this woman has raised two amazing boys, has battled one of the most vicious brain cancers, has broken her hip (well, a tumor broke it), and now has to deal with a whole other cancer. And if you saw Shawna from a distance you would never know any of this because she walks around with a smile on her face and laughter in her heart. She has beaten the odds. She amazes me.

I know shaving my head won't make her better or cure cancer, but it shows that I love her and that she is not fighting this battle alone. I mean besides going through her treatments she is/would have lost all her hair again. Do you know what it is like for a woman to lose her hair? I know that when I had cut my hair off for locks of love(12 inches off) that I felt ugly and naked. Long hair or medium length or whatever length is considered beautiful. Short hair gets you labels like DYKE and BUTCH. Most guys aren't looking for a hot girl with short hair because I think a lot of the world doesn't associate short hair with beauty. Look at all the Disney Princesses. And, yes, it is more trendy now, but when a girl cuts her hair it initially feels like you have lost your security blanket. And maybe she felt that way the first time she lost her hair or maybe she didn't, but I wanted to basically make the statement that, "we don't all decide to "lose" our hair". What I mean is that there are people like Shawna with no choice in the matter. But here I am with a choice and I decided to "lose" it anyways.

Cancer is everyone's battle to fight.