for all those who struggle

April the 20th. Such an infamous day. I don't really remember what I was doing last year at this time. I am guessing I was either smoking with my brother or my boys from sttc. Whatever I was doing I am not doing it now. So since late December, a little before Christmas, I have been sober from alcohol and drugs. I have had one slip up where I had two drinks while in Hollywood with friends but other than that I've been clean and sober. I have tried before to be sober and it has never worked. Maybe it's because I am older and wiser or maybe it's not those things at all. Maybe I am sober because I actually want to be. Though it's true that I want to be sober it is also true that I wish I could not be an alcoholic, but I am. And my addiction or craving may not ever go away, and I may never be able to have just one drink, and I may not be sober a year from now. It's not negativity, it's reality. What I do know is that I am sober today and very happy because of it.


You know, I should make a laundry list of all the bad shit that has happened to me while being under the influence... it's honestly amazing how persistent I was with my abuse despite all these situations that put me in danger. It would be a long fucking list.
And I've seen some of my friends, friends who still use and honestly I am glad I am not where they are. One of my friends is now in prison. I need to write him *puts on todo list immediately*. And then there are my other friends, the functioning druggies. I honestly dunno how they do it. But 20 years from now, will they still be functioning? Who can say... maybe and hopefully science by then will be able to cure all the shit that substance abuse causes.

I apologize if it sounds like I am dissing (could not think of a better word than that) my friends but that's not my intention. I am trying to get across that I could've been one of them, but I am glad I am not because I probably wouldn't be alive to even write this.

Now don't get ahead of yourself, I was not a heroin addict(though it did sound appealing at a time). I was just an addict of everything. Addicted to drinking, smoking, cutting, bullying myself, sleeping, drugs, love, control, sex, etc. All these destructive things(yes, love can be very destructive at times) that I thought would make my life better only worsened it. And to top it off I was mixing. Mixing all of these things just made my fucking head spin. My prescribed pills, my alcohol, my drugs... all together in one melting pot. Jesus christ I was so fucking unstoppable. Only I could stop the pain. That's the hardest part about changing your life around, nobody else can do it for you.

Now this isn't to say I don't have cravings because I do, all the time. In particular it has been cutting. I see these pictures of people with torn up wrists and I drool with want. I am like an obese child at McDonalds. Now that probably doesn't make sense. And maybe another day I'll devote a post to it, but not now. Anywho, I want it bad. So how do I stop it? I don't really know because sometimes I fantasize about it and eventually it leaves my mind or I remind myself how it won't solve my problems. Granted I have not been overtly depressed in a while. Which is good! The pills are working, bravo!!!

I used to get hung up on my pills. I thought they created this fake version of me and that I was fooling people into liking me. At times I still feel that way, but right now I see it as me treating my disease. Yes, there is bullshit science shit that says depression doesn't exist and that's all well and mighty for those people who don't have it but for the ones who do, they know, they understand.

My parents read that stuff all the time. They wanted me off the pills even though they were ok with it at first. Maybe they thought it was teen angst like everyone else did. welp pills is also another post in itself so I'll stop here. Addictions come in many forms, admitting to yourself that you're powerless and need help is the first step.
Stay strong, hope is real. And today I am sober :)

my experience

Last night I went to a double birthday party in Riverside with a girl friend I once knew in high school. We had been pretty close in high school. She was pure and had hope about life. She was able to see past the cruel world we live in and thrive on. In the care ride I realized that she had never changed, if anything she has only become wiser. I had gone to the party with the intention of not drinking or smoking or doing anything for that matter since I have decided to be sober for a year. When we got to the party it was perfect, yet a little nerve racking since I only knew a few people. Once I wished both the birthday boys a, "Happy birthday," I trailed off to get in to the mix of things. Instead of giving you a total play by play I'll sum it up for you. It was a wonderful night with amazing people. These people at the party were people from high school whom I actually loved ( seeing that most of my high school experience was not ideal ). The night was free, good, and pure just like all them. All they wanted was to enjoy the moment. I danced like an idiot ( I have no rhythm whatsoever ), I made dirty sexual jokes, I forced my self to talk to strangers and just engage myself completely in the moment. Oh and I sang with everyone as the music blared through the speakers. I don't sing in front of people ever. It wasn't as easy at the end as everyone was in a fucked up state. I wanted to be there with them on their level but I didn't falter. I honestly wish I could drink and smoke like a normal person, but one is never enough for me. I drink to feel a part of the whole, to feel connected, to feel out going and fun, to control what people think of me. I realized last night that in that kind of setting I have never had as much control as I had last night despite my previous thinking that if I drank I could control people's perception of me, make them think I was cool and fun. But for once I was sober and happy all in one night. It makes me think sobriety is possible for me. Daniel Radcliffe admitted a year or so ago that he had a problem with drinking and I don't know if he is still sober but I watched him on Jimmy Fallon a few nights ago and he seemed so elated just to be alive. I want that. Last night I think I felt that as I was surrounded by these amazing people with no expectations but to have a good night.

In the past, somewhere for me, it all got lost. I started to pretend to be someone else and in the process I lost my self, my identity, my hopes, my goals, my sanity. It sucks, but I sometimes think it is just something everyone goes through. I fucked up and shit happened in my life that I regret but it happens and that was an inferior time compared to who I am right now. I am not saying I am better than everyone else, because, I am not. I am just trying to do what's right for me. I am trying to be happy with the right tools in my tool box.

It was funny because as I was talking to Maureen she was telling me these deep philosophical stories about her life and in particular about a necklace. She stole a necklace from a friend and she at one point thought it gave her courage and made her fearless. One day she lost the necklace and felt less of that aura of confidence she once had. Later she found the necklace and realized that she no longer felt anything at all. I told her that some things lose their meaning over time. We expect these things to be with us forever, to carry us through the good and bad, but unfortunately their time will pass and all we have to rely on is ourselves.

And this morning I was scheduled to meet a friend whom I am trying to repatch things with since we had a major falling out. I was 10 minutes late, but I was there. She wasn't. And it reminds me of Maureen's story about the necklace and how it lost its meaning. The best friend I used to have is no longer there and I only have myself. It is a sad reality to face and I hope one day she comes around, but I won't hold my breath for now. I decided a while ago that life is to short to be mad/hold a grudge against someone no matter what they did to you. It wastes energy and time being mad at someone. The best thing is to forgive and fucking forget because all those negative vibes aren't worth it. For now I am going to search for some compassion for her because right now I have none and I don't like that.
Lastly, Maureen used the word "Blissed out," and I completely love it and am going to try and use it daily.