Heroine

Sometimes I think it would be fun to still be the villain, and also the victim of my own clandestine self destruction. How can someone play both parts at once? I don't know how I did it for so long. I would viciously tear myself down and build myself back up with a foundation as shaky as my confidence and much smaller than my self loathing habits. I never understood the self depreciating Isabella Swan or Anastasia Steele (who are basically the same character). Always thinking they are less than what they're supposed to be or could be. I hated seeing a woman yank herself out of the game because of some convoluted notion of not being good enough. I despised it because I was the same way. All I had done and everything I believed I was brought me pain and a faulty perception of what I one day could or could not be. I'd say,"why would you let him do that" or, "you're so fucking dumb, you can't even keep up" or, "I am weird. I am wrong." Some variation of self hatred.


I let my villainous self massacre me. I was the victim to my own crime. How twisted and bizarre of a time it was when death seemed like an answer because reality was my hell.


Now, here I am 6 years later and a heroine to my own story, my own life. As a heroine and warrior I know the battle is never over, things will come and go, heartbreak and tragedy will ensue, but also that the light I keep in my heart will somehow prevail. Instead of hiding and shrieking for a bottle of beer to solve life's calamities I am now tensing up and waiting for the hit, packed with armor and a sword all welded with my bare hands. Life may annihilate all I have but I'm still the heroine, holding myself up, looking towards tomorrow instead of the past. Life is a bitch, but it is far more pleasant when you are the heroine of your own story, instead of prey to your own folly. Don't believe what they tell you about not reaching these invisible standards. You are your own worst enemy and your best supporter. Do yourself a favor and give up on being helpless. Simply be your own heroine.

wtf

Half of my day is consumed with asking myself, what is wrong with the world? Why are people so fucking stupid and annoying? Where do these cunt satchels get off thinking the world revolves around them? Why are people allowing themselves to become less?

I stop myself and say, "Molly get off your high horse. You are being an elitist and extremely presumptuous."

But then I continue to think on these scenarios where the human race is truly a pathetic disgrace. Maybe it has always been this way, and I am only now noticing it or maybe I am just a judgemental bitch. I don't know.

But, when...

*little tweens are cutting themselves and posting pictures of their bloody wrist all because Justin Bieber was caught with a blunt in his hand

*fucking mental people can gun down their own mothers and little children

*someone over the internet judges my age by my usage of winky faces

*a friend declares herself with so many titles I have now forgotten who I originally became friends with

...I start to wonder where this world will end up.

And don't get me wrong, there are so many instances where I have seriously degraded the term human and woman. It's not nice. It's not cool. But, god damn I feel like I am way ahead of these fucktards, in some respects. Whether minute or grand, people's way of thinking and acting scares me. I fear for my life in the future. honestly.

Where am I?

Thing have been really good, pretty weird, kind of low at times and really stressful. It hasn't been good, it hasn't been bad. And at this moment I feel empty, like some switch has turned me off, darkened to the point where everything inside and out is this black hole. I can't see where I am going and I can't see what's coming for me.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to have to try a new pill cocktail.

I feel so confused about my feelings for people.

It's fine, it really is. I just feel kind of lost in my own head.

I am going to make a list of things I need to do in order to change things around, unfortunately all these things I will be doing probably won't have any effect on deciding where to put my feelings.

breathe molly.

"Hope? I heard that girl is a bitch."

Do you ever have so much hope that it turns out to be a bad thing?

Well I do. I have too much hope in things that hold no promise whether it be lifestyle choices, men, my job, etc. When am I going to start living my life and leave all these things behind?

I invest so much of my hope in the past because I think it holds my future.

The truth is that all that matters is the present. This moment. Now.

My catharsis starts now.

But, one last question. Am I still holding on because of hope or because there's still something worthwhile in these things?

I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no.
I am honestly probably the worst person to judge a situation like that.

I guess I can't wait forever for things to change.

Time to move on.
Goodbye Hope.

hearts aren't practical

Sometimes I get distracted by the little things. I was happy, gleeful, and excited about what was to come and now I feel morose, disheartened, dejected.

I've been practicing (only in this past week or so) calmness. Trying to take everything in stride. Not overreacting.

But right now I feel like I've been still enough to earn some time to overreact.



My love life sucks. I mess things up with my insecurities and need for self control. Also, I care too much most of the time to the point where I think I am trying to save something, but instead I am just strangling it to death.

I am one of those girls who squeezes her rodents too tight and unfortunately breaks their tiny ribs. Fear not, this is just a metaphor and has never really happened.



I realized today that I wish some of my relationships (is dating considered a relationship?) had continued. I wish I hadn't strangled them to death. I am not broken from these ends because I have better insight than that. But, I still cared then as I do now. Maybe these relationships would've still hit a dead end eventually. I don't know. I just hate when there's this space where old feelings lie, waiting, waiting for something to bring them forth again, but instead you have to pretend that they aren't there or that they are there but you are an adult now so you must quietly ignore them and still be happy. Any day I would take these friendships over the relationships (for now at least), but it's hard to have a friendship when things aren't dead nor settled.

I think we all fear being vulnerable, saying how we feel. The main reason I write on this blog or in my journal is because it is the only place I can really be honest with myself. I admit at times I hide behind this internet interface, but for the most part I'd like to believe that everything here is something you already know, not a surprise where I am virtually stabbing you with words over the internet (though that has definitely happened before, and more than once).

As I continue to grow and learn in this life, I think one big thing that is pertinent to any relationship is communication, being able to say how you feel with integrity and faith that your vulnerability will not go unnoticed and that the other person will give you the same respect to tell the truth, unbridled.

I think it is so difficult because we associate confrontation with anger and negative thoughts. We associate being vulnerable with being helpless and needy.

What if we told someone, that someone, how we felt, completely and truly. The end, no drama, no "why don't you love me?!", no stage 5 clinger, just here are the facts take it or leave it. If we could be completely open and understanding I think we would be a lot better off. And just cause you're understanding, doesn't mean you don't have to pretend you aren't hurt.


Wizard of Oz: As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
Tin Woodsman: But I still want one.

something needs to be said.

I'm sorry.

I'm not easy. I've got problems. I think I know what I want, but in reality I am always a little bit unsure. I can be so ridiculous. I can be the biggest headfuck ever. I will change my mind every minute. I will use friendship as leverage. I have the need to control everything. I am immature in most respects.

All this nonsense is me. I am not saying all of this is okay because it is not. It is never okay to treat someone badly, but it happens because we all fuck up and we all don't know how to be good in shitty situations.

But, that is life.

I think we gradually learn how to deal. Some of us are late bloomers in that department, me included.
And you know a day later after everything I always feel better, much better. I feel better because I know I am not the only one who fears being alone. I feel better because the people who love me are honestly the most beautiful people I have ever met. And, lastly, I feel better because I know my life will go on.

You can't plan your life. That's just not how it works. And I wasn't planning all of this to happen, but it did. I was unprepared on how to act. But this is life. This is what life is made out of, the failures and the victories. You just gotta learn from it. That's the hardest part for me, not making the same mistakes over and over again.

I am mad, no, pissed off.

I'm hesitant to write how I am feeling right now because I don't want to be too personal on this blog (even though I have been in the past). I don't want to directly use this blog to say stuff that I should be saying in person to people, but I feel the need to say something.

I hate inconsistency.

I hate how things can change from good to bad in an instant.

I hate when you want someone to care and they just don't.

I hate not being able to care when people want me most.

I am in these situations and they control my mind, I read into things that may have meaning but probably don't. I am a typical girl with hurt feelings. And I am on the brink of realizing that people who don't care, don't care at all are in my lives taking my precious time, my precious love. I am not going to do it anymore. I am strong. I am worth so much more. And I have told myself all this before over and over, but I never believed it. I believed I was the one who was wrong, I was the fucked one and now at this moment I no longer have that feeling. All I feel is disgust and hate because the inconsistency drives me mad, so mad that I have been able to rip off this blinding guise and see what people are really made of.

If you can't finish something then don't even fucking make the effort to start.

save the drama for...

If we aren't fighting then we are fucking and if we aren't fucking then we are silently seething in the corner.

There was an episode of New Girl where Jess, Zooey Deschanel, breaks up with her cougar sugar daddy Russel because their relationship is too...simple, peaceful, passion-less.

There is a reason why people stay in tumultuous relationships. I believe people like drama.

I mean people can say that they don't like drama, they can say it all they want, but you have to admit it keeps shit interesting.

Now there is a limit, a breaking point to the amount of drama someone can take and well it is very hard finding the balance. All in all Jess broke up with him because there was no drama between them.

Maybe this need for drama fades as we get older and grow wiser. I don't know. Would you want a relationship that was close to perfect day in and day out? No fights, no disagreements, no nothing. The best thing about breaking up is the makeup sex, just think, no being thrown up against a wall by your former boyfriend while he furiously pulls your panties to the side and fucks you silly.

Oye, gimme.

Anywho the point is I am coming to the conclusion that maybe a little drama is called for, not the, "I am going to cheat on my bf purposefully to create drama DRAMA." Or the "I am going to fake a pregnancy drama." More like "my fucking boyfriend can't do the dishes kind of shit."

Maybe I am talking out of my ass and am totally wrong.

But emotional drama always keeps us coming back for more in movies, books, life, etc. It keeps things interesting.

Drama in moderation and maybe not too often.

CODSWALLOP

I've been feeling lost, like a little girl looking for her mom in the grocery store lost. I've been trying to fill voids, trying to run away from my fears, trying to be stagnant. Who the fuck wants to be stagnant? Bacteria grows more so in stagnant water and welp that is just gross. I don't want bacteria coming out of my ears even though biologically or something it already is. Sorry. I feel like I've been denying myself the necessities of life just because I've been scared and or I didn't want to deal.

Bottom line : I am single and it sucks. When I try and get close to someone it just never works. I destroy it before it can start. I get scared. I need comfort always. And most the time I feel lonely. Plus seeing past "lovers" find someone else is always a bit disheartening.

BUT

it's okay.

Why is it okay?

because at this moment I am tired of loving people and not being loved in return. I am tired of people loving me and not being able to return their love.

My gyno spoke some words of wisdom the other day...

You can always get sex, but you can't always have a relationship.

So simple, so true.

You know all I want is for someone to get to know me, love me for who I am, be my friend and stay around for longer than a few months. Sex not included.

And I think tonight I just realized that it is all codswallop in the end. You heard me, CODSWALLOP.

Bottom line 2: I miss people. I miss you and you and you, oh, and especially you.

BUT

my pride is too big.

Bottom Line 3: I've been lying to myself about everything. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

Bottom Line 4: I am scared of a lot of things

BUT

I hope I realize that it is fear that is stopping me from living. I stand in my own way.




So in conclusion, I feel lost, really fucking lost, but I have now realized that I am lost so maybe now I can begin to wander.

life is suffering

Life is suffering. That is a fundamental truth of Buddhism.

I have taken two religions classes and in general religion is very interesting to me. Rest assured that I will not be talking about religion in this post, but you never know it may be a post in the near future :)

Life is suffering, so when things inevitably increase your suffering do you do them or not do them? The obvious answer is no, do not increase your suffering for goodness sake ! For instance in this economy today jobs are hard to come by, therefore, you want to be the best possible candidate for when they do arise, but if you have any visible tattoos like me then you are usually automatically inhibited. That's just the truth. People judge me because of my tattoos, people will not hire me because of my tattoos and that causes suffering especially when I might be just as qualified as the next average joe who's applying.

Life is full of these situations where you have to choose what is best. Life is based on nothing else but choices. The choices we make make us who we are.

The tattoo on my wrist is for the foundation To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). I got it when I first turned 18. Besides the fact that I have always been fascinated with tattoos my wrist tattoo was one that I had thought about for a long while. My tattoo, "Love," on my wrist means the world to me. It reminds me everyday of the love I have in my heart, my past, my scars, the love I have for myself and so much more. I chose to inhibit myself, but at least I took the time to think about it and to weigh the pros and cons. All life is suffering, there is no way getting around it. And yes there are moments of happiness, but of course that is not all the time. Disregard everything else that plays into your happiness because I don't have enough time to go over it in this post nor any post.

My point is weigh the pros and cons and if it is worth it to you, allow yourself to suffer a bit more. But, do not take the stance that since life is suffering then you should do whatever you want and say fuck it cause living life impetuously is a life wasted.

true love.

Blake Snyder talks about 10 movie genres and they're atypical cause they don't fall under the category of romance, comedy, etc. He talks about this genre called Buddy Love and basically movies under this category fulfill the general story concept of this...
2 people have a budding friendship or love connection
something threatens their relationship
and they end up realizing that they need each other
the fact that they need this other person basically freaks them out because you can give up the things you want, but not the things you need.
but in the end they come full circle and realize that though needing someone and not wanting someone is so different, so scary, they would rather need and have that someone than be alone.
I suppose true love is needing someone.
Of course there are exceptions, but I think if your life is not the same without someone, so much that you need them, then it's love. (unless you have an addictive personality bahaha)

Anywho it is just another viewpoint on love from a screenwriter who writes countless love stories. I think it might be true.

letting go, starting anew, realizing everything you do

My blog became overtly specific, as if I was pointing fingers at all these "anonymous" people. That's why I took a break. I was hiding behind this blog. You couldn't see me, yet I could say anything I wanted to and talk the most shit ever on all of you. Blogs are an outlet but they shouldn't be how you deal with problems. Write to deal, but don't blog to deal. The internet is a nasty place. So then why am I starting this new post? I am going to try and be general and blog about common situations and ideas. Of course every blog post has some truth to it that actually led to it being written, therefore nothing is ever meaningless.

The reason why I have a blog is to blog about things and have people connect with them. For a while no one read this blog and I was merely writing for myself and now a few people read it here and there. I guess my point is that this blog has importance in my life and to totally discard and delete it would be heartbreaking.

Alright, onto the post I came on here to write.


I am not the best at relationships. In fact I have never had a relationship last long enough to even know if I was good at it, but I suppose since they have never lasted long then that answers that! ***<---disclaimer for everything you are about to read***

I have always had this need and want to be admired and loved, and honestly I have no idea where this addiction/obsession came from. I don't have daddy problems and nothing traumatic ever happened to me as a kid. I had a great childhood and a wonderful family. But this compulsion for the need of acceptance has led to all my destructive tendencies. I want people to think I'm cool. I drink. I want to be friends with them. I smoke. I want him to love me. I have sex with him. It's a sad cycle that I've put myself through while trying to find love in all the wrong places.

My biggest problem I think has been sex and using sex to get someone to like me. Any guy will like you if you have sex with him, but once he cums then you're just like every other girl who has put out. A dime a dozen. For some reason I was never taught that sex was sacred. I never really understood what it was like to have a healthy relationship with another man. And I honestly don't know why.

At times I fall back into my old ways and rely on what is comfortable to me, that being sex. I get so anxious about someone actually getting to know me and liking me for who I am that I instead just throw in the towel and say lets have sex and then I will know you like me (not true). And when I do this they leave and I always wonder why. Now that's not the reason why they all leave. But in the past they have gotten exactly what they wanted and found no reason to entertain the idea of US any longer. Sad, but I bring it on myself. If I let someone get to know me without putting sex in the equation and they still left in the end well at least I would know I hadn't wasted something special on another douche bag.

I guess it all comes down to how much someone really likes you, how much they care, how much they want it to work out. Let me tell you, every girl wants you to fight for her, always. If you don't fight it just confirms everything we have been dreading, the fact that you really don't want to be with us. At least this is how I feel. And in the end when everything is said and done, you look back on what happened and you hold on to this single tiny piece of hope that a fucking miracle will happen and suddenly he will want to be with you again. Part of you says it will never happen and then this other part sneaks up on you and says, "maybe, you never know." And, it's true, you never do know, but in this case it is better to just let go.

Letting go fucking sucks. Not texting him. Not calling him. Not kissing him. Not laughing with him. Not going out to dinner with him. Not having crazy adventures with him. Not doing anything with him. It's like he's a ghost, someone that I used to know who no longer lives here anymore(2 lyrics put together... guess those songs!). But, why try and convince someone you're worth it? Why try and tell someone to make time for you? Why try to put effort in when the other person could care less? It's that damn hope again. And hope is good, but in this situation I think it is better to move on, realize that you're fucking wonderful, and that you will definitely find your soulmate, and to have fun whenever you can.

This doesn't mean you need to cut them out of your life (unless he's a creepy ass stalker) but it just means to let go and start being happy again. You shouldn't need someone to make you happy.

Of course you will think of him. Little things will remind you. But, the only good way to deal with those things is to let it cross your mind and then let it leave.

We all have wasted ourselves on someone who didn't love us. Why waste anymore time, energy, love on them?

continuing

I feel like I learned a lot today.

I am going to try and sum it all up in a semi short not too long post.

So last night I was upset of course about the fact that this thing with the guy I had been seeing ended. I was still upset about it this morning too. And I don't need to cover everything again because if you care to know more about just read my previous posts. Anywho the main point is that I was mad that I had failed again. I was confused as to why the happy giddyness talkativeness stopped. And, I was sad that there didn't seem to be another chance for us to try. All these emotions were fuming and boiling in my body, killing me on the inside and in my mind.
I resorted to talking to a coworker of mine since I really never know who to really talk to. He gave the best advice without giving direct "do this or do that" advice. He mad me realize that all my stressful feelings weren't worth it. And that especially this early in dating him things should be happy and honeymoon like, not sad or stressful. I explained to him how me and this guy were hardly talking anymore and my coworker said that someone should want to talk to you, someone should be excited to talk to you. All in all I realized that this isn't meant to work. I don't believe it's the distance, not for me at least, that made it fall apart, but rather a lack of foundation. Maybe even a lack of commitment? I don't know. I don't know why it didn't work for him (maybe I should ask him, or maybe I should shut my mouth and not worry about it (go with numero dos)). And usually I never know with guys because you know they just aren't wired like us girls. They don't say outright how they feel even when you ask them. For this guy I am not sure what didn't work for him. Let me say though that I am the one who put a stop to it all. But, all this is just fine. Like he said, I am glad I have a more positive attitude about this because I enjoyed the time I spent with him and I loved getting to know him better. Did I want it to work out and keep going till the fall? Yes. But life never works out the way you want it to, and in truth it isn't supposed to.
c

Also, talked to my girl friend who is having a similar problem, okay it's pretty exact, anywho, I told her that if he can't spend a measly 5 minutes on the phone with you then what's the point? She is amazing and worth a million minutes and more! I guess my whole conclusion is to stay close to your heart and how you feel and to always remember that you are worth it.

she's got too much love

Maybe I come on too strong. Maybe I'll look back and realize that I should've been more cautious. But I can't stop it. I won't. I'm quite happy shamelessly crushing and if I'm too hot then everyone should get out of the damn kitchen. I'm a flame that burns if you play with me too much, yet I'll dance around and warm your soul with my touch. Point being, nothing is in the middle for me. I am either high or low. It is rare that I am peacefully content. Maybe that's my problem, my need to stir the pot. I create my own problems. If I look into the future I know I am going to learn from this, like I learn from everything else, therefore, no experience be wasted.

I've said my peace and am going to stop bullying myself over my feelings (for now at least).

new hair. no hair.

Today I shaved/buzzed my hair off. Well, Shea actually did it for me.

I have always wanted to shave my head and after seeing my cousin, Taylor, shave hers when I was pretty young, I told myself that I wanted to do the same.

Besides having an inkling for wanting to shave my head, I also did it for another reason.

I originally grew up in Garden Grove/Los Alamitos area and then we moved to my current location when I was around 4 years old. I grew up from start to finish with one family in particular, The Escovedos. They are in the majority of all our family movies. Me and Casey were best friends with our dee dees and blankies. And, in all sincerity they have made me be the person I am today.

Even though we saw them less when we moved away, we still saw them a lot. They were like my "step" family. I remember so many things from the moments I have spent with them... Paul McCartney concert, shaver lake, Cam's graduation, Password Champs, The bat on the boat, Bass Lake, BILL, yoshi, too much wine, The Beatles, These cards are marked de a mess!!!, giving casey spy kits for any holiday, fio ritos, crystal cove, watching VHS tapes in the car on our way to Bass, Cameron pretending to be a shark and grabbing my leg in the lake, Petunia and Vernon, FORKS, Steve losing his glasses, My dad catching over 50 fish in one week AND a whole lot of other moments...unfortunately it is boring for anyone who wasn't there to experience these tid bits of my memories.

I shaved my head because of Shawna. Shawna has now been free from her GBM for 5 years and is now undergoing treatment for a completely new and different cancer. Myeloma, to be exact. She shaved her head because she is going to lose her hair anyways. I thought that in honor of her I should shave mine too. For fuck sake this woman has raised two amazing boys, has battled one of the most vicious brain cancers, has broken her hip (well, a tumor broke it), and now has to deal with a whole other cancer. And if you saw Shawna from a distance you would never know any of this because she walks around with a smile on her face and laughter in her heart. She has beaten the odds. She amazes me.

I know shaving my head won't make her better or cure cancer, but it shows that I love her and that she is not fighting this battle alone. I mean besides going through her treatments she is/would have lost all her hair again. Do you know what it is like for a woman to lose her hair? I know that when I had cut my hair off for locks of love(12 inches off) that I felt ugly and naked. Long hair or medium length or whatever length is considered beautiful. Short hair gets you labels like DYKE and BUTCH. Most guys aren't looking for a hot girl with short hair because I think a lot of the world doesn't associate short hair with beauty. Look at all the Disney Princesses. And, yes, it is more trendy now, but when a girl cuts her hair it initially feels like you have lost your security blanket. And maybe she felt that way the first time she lost her hair or maybe she didn't, but I wanted to basically make the statement that, "we don't all decide to "lose" our hair". What I mean is that there are people like Shawna with no choice in the matter. But here I am with a choice and I decided to "lose" it anyways.

Cancer is everyone's battle to fight.

salt in my cuts

I want this all to stop. I don't want anyone to text me or call me or ask me to do things or say I'm pretty or anything. I want to be alone because it all hurts too much. Life is pain. My best friend is on another freaking planet. We don't exist in each other's worlds anymore. And even if she did exist here I wouldn't even know who she was. It hurts so much to see someone you used to love just morph into something so different and cold. Your negativity kills me. I can't be around that even if I wanted to be. Maybe it's drugs or your drinking or maybe it's him, whatever the reason I just wish you would go back to being the best friend I've always had.

And you. You are this person I've always wanted, someone I've been looking for all along and unfortunately you live so far away that none of this even matters. And a long distance relationship isn't possible I know, but I keep pretending it's in the cards for us. And even if we tried I feel like we would still be sad in the end. And a part of me just wants to bury you, like I did him so that I wouldn't have to deal with the harsh realities. I mean this cutesy thing we do over text and skype is so nice but at the end of the day you will be fucking someone else and I'll be waiting for your call. Yes, I am immature like her. I hate wanting what I can't have and instead of dealing with it I'd rather forget it all.

my experience

Last night I went to a double birthday party in Riverside with a girl friend I once knew in high school. We had been pretty close in high school. She was pure and had hope about life. She was able to see past the cruel world we live in and thrive on. In the care ride I realized that she had never changed, if anything she has only become wiser. I had gone to the party with the intention of not drinking or smoking or doing anything for that matter since I have decided to be sober for a year. When we got to the party it was perfect, yet a little nerve racking since I only knew a few people. Once I wished both the birthday boys a, "Happy birthday," I trailed off to get in to the mix of things. Instead of giving you a total play by play I'll sum it up for you. It was a wonderful night with amazing people. These people at the party were people from high school whom I actually loved ( seeing that most of my high school experience was not ideal ). The night was free, good, and pure just like all them. All they wanted was to enjoy the moment. I danced like an idiot ( I have no rhythm whatsoever ), I made dirty sexual jokes, I forced my self to talk to strangers and just engage myself completely in the moment. Oh and I sang with everyone as the music blared through the speakers. I don't sing in front of people ever. It wasn't as easy at the end as everyone was in a fucked up state. I wanted to be there with them on their level but I didn't falter. I honestly wish I could drink and smoke like a normal person, but one is never enough for me. I drink to feel a part of the whole, to feel connected, to feel out going and fun, to control what people think of me. I realized last night that in that kind of setting I have never had as much control as I had last night despite my previous thinking that if I drank I could control people's perception of me, make them think I was cool and fun. But for once I was sober and happy all in one night. It makes me think sobriety is possible for me. Daniel Radcliffe admitted a year or so ago that he had a problem with drinking and I don't know if he is still sober but I watched him on Jimmy Fallon a few nights ago and he seemed so elated just to be alive. I want that. Last night I think I felt that as I was surrounded by these amazing people with no expectations but to have a good night.

In the past, somewhere for me, it all got lost. I started to pretend to be someone else and in the process I lost my self, my identity, my hopes, my goals, my sanity. It sucks, but I sometimes think it is just something everyone goes through. I fucked up and shit happened in my life that I regret but it happens and that was an inferior time compared to who I am right now. I am not saying I am better than everyone else, because, I am not. I am just trying to do what's right for me. I am trying to be happy with the right tools in my tool box.

It was funny because as I was talking to Maureen she was telling me these deep philosophical stories about her life and in particular about a necklace. She stole a necklace from a friend and she at one point thought it gave her courage and made her fearless. One day she lost the necklace and felt less of that aura of confidence she once had. Later she found the necklace and realized that she no longer felt anything at all. I told her that some things lose their meaning over time. We expect these things to be with us forever, to carry us through the good and bad, but unfortunately their time will pass and all we have to rely on is ourselves.

And this morning I was scheduled to meet a friend whom I am trying to repatch things with since we had a major falling out. I was 10 minutes late, but I was there. She wasn't. And it reminds me of Maureen's story about the necklace and how it lost its meaning. The best friend I used to have is no longer there and I only have myself. It is a sad reality to face and I hope one day she comes around, but I won't hold my breath for now. I decided a while ago that life is to short to be mad/hold a grudge against someone no matter what they did to you. It wastes energy and time being mad at someone. The best thing is to forgive and fucking forget because all those negative vibes aren't worth it. For now I am going to search for some compassion for her because right now I have none and I don't like that.
Lastly, Maureen used the word "Blissed out," and I completely love it and am going to try and use it daily.

I haven’t been able to differentiate the past repeating itself and the present I’ve lost my sparkle and now it seems as if I’ll never get it back I know this is not true but you can’t always right a wrong All of it feels too good to be real that’s why I question it And then it is really the past being regurgitated before my eyes How do I stop the comparisons? Why can’t the sparkle thrive and thrive till it blossoms? I have this ability to kill it My thoughts, my woes, my everything is like carbon monoxide to the lungs You seize up and forget the fact that you were once breathing All you know is right now you can’t inhale even a breath of life Who will save me? No one will ever save me or you It is all up to me to fix me, to give myself some courage To fix the right that was never wrong To bring back my everlasting sparkle.

Reflections with Rusko in the background

My life has changed dramatically over the past 5 months. It has gone from absolute mania to silent whispers. Now my life is only filled with whispers of desires instead of the typical cacophony of debilitating sounds that caused my mind to burst open. In plain english, my life has become normal and repetitive. Mind you this is refreshing and peaceful yet at times very uninteresting. Maybe all this normality is because my life is actually on track. Maybe it is because I finally feel like I can move freely in my own skin. I don't know what it is but all I can say is how odd, disconcerting, and astounding it is to see your own life change as quickly as a revolving door in fancy smancy hotel. One moment you are there and the next you are somewhere, nowhere to be seen. The revolving door can be an optical illusion for some people but for me it is just a sign of hope; Things are much better and will only continue to get better.

By no means am I saying that my life is as perfect as a peach because truly I am just as much ridden with hardships as I ever have been. And as I enjoy Rusko, dubstep extradionare and a reminder of my past troubles with alcohol and drugs, I think about how I have come too far to turn back now.

I watched Jersey Shore, the season where they are based in Italy, and all I could see on the Tv was myself. I saw myself falling down stairs drunk, vying for someone's attention and love despite their disgust, lying about the things I had done and all together just being an immature fool. I am of course not fully cleared of all my hiccups but I have to say that I am definitely past where those 23-30 year old Jersey kids are. Thank God for that.

And now I am here, trying to do things different, trying to follow my dream. I am changing the "maybes," into "I will!" This whole growing up and leaving NeverLand feeling has got me twisted with happiness. Though I still have a long way to go it is nice to have stopped fighting against myself to be something and someone I'm not. Now I am fighting alongside everything this big ball of magma spews at me: the good, the bad, the ugly.

Bring it on.

Word of The Day: ACCEPTANCE

Therapy day is always a good day. It is the day where everything becomes illuminated. Some therapy days you shed tears, you yell out in anger, you curse profusely, you even might realize that you are in the wrong, but overall it is good because you are growing.

And today was therapy day.

To reflect back on this morning's session I will pretend that I am teaching a particular word of the day to some youngins, like on Sesame Street.

The word of the day is ACCEPTANCE.

Acceptance of one's self, others, the things that go right and the things that go wrong.
(broad spectrum... I know)

I talk a lot about how I want to accept the fact that I might not get into USC's screenwriting program or how I might not get into any colleges at all. But, I then tell myself how I will actually keep following my passion no matter what.

Talk can be cheaper than food at Taco Bell.

I say a lot of things but my actions sometimes fail to follow through.

If perhaps you don't accept that you didn't get into any colleges you might let your life spiral downward into a slump of horse dung with flies and no return.

I don't want that to be me. I won't let that be me.

If someone thinks you're not good enough you have to accept their opinion for what it is, throw it out into the trash and not let it define you.

See, once again I can tell you how to live, but can I show you?

I guess only time will tell if I can accept what fate is to bring.

If you can't get where you want to be... find an alternative route.