why is it so hot in here?

Life is hard. Why am I back on here? I want to keep moving forward, but here I am sitting on my couch like a lifeless sack of nothing. Is nothing inherently lifeless? I don't know. I am having a mini panic attack in my mind. Another year of school? oh fuck. No tattoos from my tattooer beau? Oh fuck. No more drinking? Oh fuck. I am scared. Scared about the past and scared about the future. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I should've kept with biology and tried desperately to bribe someone to give me a PhD. The only thing that seems sensible right now is masturbating. Masturbating is a mindless activity that solves everything. Well, sort of.

Breathe Molly. I am beginning to get neurotic with nervousness. This post is merely a place to hold my words. I'd be lying if I didn't say that writing is my passion and has always been my saving grace. I hate how inactive in film I am right now. It breaks my heart. I kind of just want to go buy an expensive camera and start creating stupid shit. No fear filming. This is just one of those moments when the past creeps up on you, taps your shoulder and whispers, "Hey, I'm baccccckkkkk!" God damn.

I just want to erase and start over. You can start over, but your past will forever be there waiting to remind you that you've fucked up before and that you can do it again, fuck up, that is.

It suddenly got sweltering hot in this room.

Oh god, pre menopause.

I haven't even sold a script yet. Menopause, wait!

meep

Well compared to my last few post I am not crying as much which is good.

Anywho I wanted to write this post so I could get some relief from my worries and thoughts but really all these thoughts are just chilling, they aren't even moving. They aren't bouncing off the walls making me crazy. I just feel numb. The only way to deal with some things is to not care. I might take back that statement later.

So what's bothering me? What's new?

I am using sex to heal my pain instead of alcohol/drugs/self mutilation and I don't give a fuck.

I feel like everything between me and this guy was just an empty lie, and he didn't even know it.

My friend is back in jail and he is treating it like it's nothing, which is really frustrating because why the fuck did I care so much about you when you didn't even care about yourself?

My aunt is crazy and I think suicidal. She doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself. I care, but I don't care.

Things I have learned...

Nothing works out the way you want it to.

Sometimes it is best to walk away and forget everything.

People are shitty and self centered.

The people you are in love with now will not be the people you are in love with in 5 years. If you find someone you still love after many many years then they are the real keepers.

I am bi and am really attracted to I think all of straight edge mankind (yes, that's an over exaggeration but whatever)

I'd rather dream and fuck than deal.

Nobody comes riding in on a white horse to love you and save you. If they do, keep them. Love isn't a fairytale.

I love being sober.

M.

I've breached this subject before, but I am doing it again because this blog is for me, to express my thoughts to you, to help me deal.

I never thought I'd be looking back asking myself how I lost my best friend. Yes, things have changed, we both have changed, grown and receded. I remember thinking in high school that this girl was my best friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my friend who I could sing Disney songs with at the top of my lungs. I thought even with life's curveballs we would always be friends, forever.

Now, I look at her pictures on facebook and hear things about her through mutual friends and I say to myself, "I don't know this person." It's a hard thing to believe you know a person only to find out they are or have chosen to be nothing like what they were. Some people improve for the best, but I honestly don't know if I can say that about her. Then again maybe it's not my place to judge her good or bad, maybe growth doesn't have a dual conscience. Maybe I am wrong and I am the one who failed. I don't know.

I'd like to think she's happy. In her pictures she looks happy, but looks can be deceiving. I just don't understand how one person can be a certain way all their life and then suddenly, with a flip of a switch, be the complete opposite. Are they pretending now or have they been pretending up until this point? Maybe we are just too different to get along now.

I don't have the answers, but it makes me sad to live my life without her.

The simple solution would be to become friends again after our falling out, but I don't want to be friends with the new her, I want my old best friend back.

Your love is like, a Rollercoaster baby

So some of my relationships are roller coaster rides.

"Your love is like, a Rollercoaster baby, baby
I wanna ride yeah"- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Maybe all relationships are filled with loops, corkscrews, twists and moments that just make you wanna throw up. I don't know about yours, but mine certainly are.

Though my relationships with people can be dizzying and sickening they can also be exhilarating and fun.

I saw the movie Ruby Sparks tonight which was written by Zoe Kazan. Fuck yeah, female writers rock!!!!! Plus, she starred in the film and was simply fabulous!

Shit where was I going with this?

Anywho, go see the movie!

Oh now I remember...I thought to myself, "Why can't I have a romance like the ones in the movies." "Do these sweet, fun-loving, quirky, spontaneous relationships exist outside of Hollywood sets?" I'd like to believe so.

Though, my romances are closer to the horror genre than the lovey dovey comedy romance one.

One of my all time favorite movies, 2 Days in Paris, in short it is about a french woman in love. In the movie you see the hardships with her boyfriend, a cynical, ridiculous, lovely pain in the ass. Think of him as the 2nd time you had anal; feels good, but still kind of hurts.

Anywho, you see everything they go through and they are in constant arguments that end in playful jokes and kisses.

In the end the river cards are seen. I don't want to spoil anything so please just go watch it.

So, even though my relationships with peoples aren't like the ones in the movies, in some I see that I am helping the other person grow and they are helping me do the same. That's what every relationship needs, someone to help you grow because life isn't perfect, we aren't perfect and love is fucking flawed as shit. Life is a journey and progression. In my mind there is no finish line, just the continuation of growing and helping others spread their branches to the sky.

So...

"Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses." - 2 Days in Paris

My own sentiment. You've helped me grow and I think I've helped you a bit too, that's why I don't want to let go. You make me better.

21st century love

I've heard so many things about love and relationships. I could write a book with all that I've ever been told, but the book on what I actually know about love and relationships would be a very small picture book with phrases starting out with, "I think..."

The love I've experienced is not like the movies I watch, not like the novels I read and not even close to how everyone tells me it is supposed to be.

I just don't know what to do.

I sometimes think it would be better if I could go back to a time when love was simpler. When you married cause you had to and not cause you wanted to. When marriages were arranged. When there was no texting or tumblr or facebook as the main means to communicate with your love.

I want to go back to when people wrote letters, and came to your door with flowers before the date, and who met your parents the very first night they took you out.

May be I am just silly and getting worried about nothing, but I think pure love between two people is a dying art.

No one can say "I love you," without sending it in a text first.

No one can have a stable relationship till they declare it on facebook.

No one feels loved unless their pictures on instagram and their statuses are all filled with their lover's name and face.

I don't know what love looks like between me and another individual, but I do want it to be so much more than what I see, what I hear and the little that I know.

hours later with a reprise

I still believe what I said in the earlier post, but don't forget circumstances because if you do then you're screwed.

Cryptic? A bit?

That's okay. Just don't forget what you want nor what you can't have.

The Greatest Thing

You've seen the movie Moulin Rouge, right?

Christian, an anguished romantic says the infamous line, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

Love, relationships, sex, lust, and everything else in that realm has always been a never ending throbbing headache for me. Still is.

Anywho, "what is love?"

From Merriam-Webster Dictionary online:

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

"Oh baby don't hurt me no more."

Although love seems to be easily defined in the dictionary in reality it can take on many different definitions and actions.

LOVE:

Love thy neighbor.
Loving your grandparents.
Making love to your best friend.
A woman loving another woman.
Returning someones wallet to them.
Taking your dog for a walk.
Saving yourself till marriage.
Love for Yaweh, Allah, Shiva.
Loving yourself.

Love is endless, love makes the world go round.

and as Shakespeare says, "Love sought is good, but given unsought is better." Twelfth Night – Act 3, Scene 1

All my young life I've looked for love, looked for someone to love me back. I'd be pushed into a depression when people rejected me. I'd ask myself "why wasn't I good enough?"

But within the past 24 hours I came to this conclusion: Just to love is good enough.

If I stop focusing on whether or not someone loves me back or not then I'll be golden. I won't feel dejected, ever, because I will not be searching nor wanting their stamp of love.

To love is one of the greatest qualities the human race is equipped with, and especially with our ability to quantify and qualify it in so many ways, well, that just makes us extra lucky.

So for now I love without expecting anything back. Maybe one day my priorities will change, but for now the feeling of fullness I get from caring about people is enough.

And I don't know any other way to explain this, but it is similar to how at christmas you should give presents and not expect to get one back because you receive enough joy and fulfillment out of just giving your love.

The end. love you.

hearts aren't practical

Sometimes I get distracted by the little things. I was happy, gleeful, and excited about what was to come and now I feel morose, disheartened, dejected.

I've been practicing (only in this past week or so) calmness. Trying to take everything in stride. Not overreacting.

But right now I feel like I've been still enough to earn some time to overreact.



My love life sucks. I mess things up with my insecurities and need for self control. Also, I care too much most of the time to the point where I think I am trying to save something, but instead I am just strangling it to death.

I am one of those girls who squeezes her rodents too tight and unfortunately breaks their tiny ribs. Fear not, this is just a metaphor and has never really happened.



I realized today that I wish some of my relationships (is dating considered a relationship?) had continued. I wish I hadn't strangled them to death. I am not broken from these ends because I have better insight than that. But, I still cared then as I do now. Maybe these relationships would've still hit a dead end eventually. I don't know. I just hate when there's this space where old feelings lie, waiting, waiting for something to bring them forth again, but instead you have to pretend that they aren't there or that they are there but you are an adult now so you must quietly ignore them and still be happy. Any day I would take these friendships over the relationships (for now at least), but it's hard to have a friendship when things aren't dead nor settled.

I think we all fear being vulnerable, saying how we feel. The main reason I write on this blog or in my journal is because it is the only place I can really be honest with myself. I admit at times I hide behind this internet interface, but for the most part I'd like to believe that everything here is something you already know, not a surprise where I am virtually stabbing you with words over the internet (though that has definitely happened before, and more than once).

As I continue to grow and learn in this life, I think one big thing that is pertinent to any relationship is communication, being able to say how you feel with integrity and faith that your vulnerability will not go unnoticed and that the other person will give you the same respect to tell the truth, unbridled.

I think it is so difficult because we associate confrontation with anger and negative thoughts. We associate being vulnerable with being helpless and needy.

What if we told someone, that someone, how we felt, completely and truly. The end, no drama, no "why don't you love me?!", no stage 5 clinger, just here are the facts take it or leave it. If we could be completely open and understanding I think we would be a lot better off. And just cause you're understanding, doesn't mean you don't have to pretend you aren't hurt.


Wizard of Oz: As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
Tin Woodsman: But I still want one.

something needs to be said.

I'm sorry.

I'm not easy. I've got problems. I think I know what I want, but in reality I am always a little bit unsure. I can be so ridiculous. I can be the biggest headfuck ever. I will change my mind every minute. I will use friendship as leverage. I have the need to control everything. I am immature in most respects.

All this nonsense is me. I am not saying all of this is okay because it is not. It is never okay to treat someone badly, but it happens because we all fuck up and we all don't know how to be good in shitty situations.

But, that is life.

I think we gradually learn how to deal. Some of us are late bloomers in that department, me included.
And you know a day later after everything I always feel better, much better. I feel better because I know I am not the only one who fears being alone. I feel better because the people who love me are honestly the most beautiful people I have ever met. And, lastly, I feel better because I know my life will go on.

You can't plan your life. That's just not how it works. And I wasn't planning all of this to happen, but it did. I was unprepared on how to act. But this is life. This is what life is made out of, the failures and the victories. You just gotta learn from it. That's the hardest part for me, not making the same mistakes over and over again.

I'm sorry. I'm high maintenance, but working on it.

I was livid yesterday, and now a day later I feel differently about it all.

I realized at times I can be a little insane, a little mad, a little uncertain, a bit high maintenance.

I never thought of myself as high maintenance because I don't need or expect any guy to get me gifts n shit.

But, since I AM INCONSISTENT with how I feel, changing from one side of the spectrum to the next in a blink of an eye, I am high maintenance. I am a lot of work in a relationship.

For me to blame others for being inconsistent is me being a hypocrite.

Besides, after you have thrown people from left field to right field to all over, well they tend to be less than willing in all respects.

It is like I am mad because someone doesn't like me at this moment when I like them, but, a month ago they liked me and I was questioning it all.

See. Hypocrite.

I understand where I went wrong, the insane pattern I put myself and men through. Though, there are still some things I don't understand,but I suppose if people aren't willing to explain then it doesn't much matter.

I want to believe that the people I care about still care about me, but sometimes you just don't know. I am trying to be okay with it, well, I am starting from today forth to be okay with it. I admit I am hurt and I wish I wasn't my crazy self, but hopefully next time it will be different for me and whomever.

You can only hope for progress and for change in yourself.

This repetitive pattern I use on guys to control and manipulate our relationship is going to stop. I am also going to stop objectifying myself with the crude things I say. That subject is a whole other blog post in itself.

So... all in all, when you can't change what happened try changing yourself because you just might be a part of the reason why things didn't work out.

I don't like you, but I do like you, actually I really like you, but I am not going to text you because you haven't texted me first and I don't want to look eager or anything like that.

I don't understand why we have to be coy about feelings, why I have to play hard to get so that you can chase me. That makes no fucking sense. If I like you then I like you, there's no beating around the bush. I hate that men need to chase something to actually want it. I know it is a better view as I run away from you, but really that is no reason to enjoy the whole "I am going to chase what I can't have" idea. You like the challenge of it all? Then go play a god damn video game or something because I am not a toy that can be chased and grabbed by your mutt like jaws.

Everyone wants to feel liked and wanted, so then why do I have to pretend like I don't want to have you take me out to dinner and be in my bed at night in order to get you to reciprocate feelings?

Why don't you want something you can have?

I don't understand. Maybe this is why I am single.

save the drama for...

If we aren't fighting then we are fucking and if we aren't fucking then we are silently seething in the corner.

There was an episode of New Girl where Jess, Zooey Deschanel, breaks up with her cougar sugar daddy Russel because their relationship is too...simple, peaceful, passion-less.

There is a reason why people stay in tumultuous relationships. I believe people like drama.

I mean people can say that they don't like drama, they can say it all they want, but you have to admit it keeps shit interesting.

Now there is a limit, a breaking point to the amount of drama someone can take and well it is very hard finding the balance. All in all Jess broke up with him because there was no drama between them.

Maybe this need for drama fades as we get older and grow wiser. I don't know. Would you want a relationship that was close to perfect day in and day out? No fights, no disagreements, no nothing. The best thing about breaking up is the makeup sex, just think, no being thrown up against a wall by your former boyfriend while he furiously pulls your panties to the side and fucks you silly.

Oye, gimme.

Anywho the point is I am coming to the conclusion that maybe a little drama is called for, not the, "I am going to cheat on my bf purposefully to create drama DRAMA." Or the "I am going to fake a pregnancy drama." More like "my fucking boyfriend can't do the dishes kind of shit."

Maybe I am talking out of my ass and am totally wrong.

But emotional drama always keeps us coming back for more in movies, books, life, etc. It keeps things interesting.

Drama in moderation and maybe not too often.

yolo unicorn

It has taken me a while to come to the place I am now. Today, after a very rigorous and in your face lecture about life from my film 1 teacher, I felt different. Like a new soul breathing again for the first time in a while. He basically reassured all my fears which was good in the sense that now I know what to expect (for the most part). I thought I was alone in my fear of the future.

And yes the fear is still there, but at least now I know that it is just a part of the process.

He talked about how we don't realize that we are pissing away our youth on stupid shit. I completely understand. I have been wasting myself, my mind, my soul on what I thought to be so important. I'm 20. 20 years old and in a sense I have all the time in the world and yet none at all. I want to be happy like I was today, but everyday. I was finally free from my regret, my fears(some of them). I've seriously probably aged myself so much with all the worrying I've done in the past. And I know I am not fixed and that I will have good days and bad, but to not do exactly what you want because you are too afraid is the most horrid mistake of them all.

Looking back on past experiences, jobs, relationships, and friendships, I realize they all served a purpose. It was destiny or fate the way things happened. I don't know how or why, but all these things happened for a reason. It's the circle of life. A cyclic process that breaks us down and then builds us back up (if we use it to our advantage). Life is suffering, and how you deal with the suffering makes you the person you are.

I haven't dealt with things healthily in the past, but the amazing thing about life is that tomorrow is a new day, a new chance.

Do what makes you crumble with fear.

letting go, starting anew, realizing everything you do

My blog became overtly specific, as if I was pointing fingers at all these "anonymous" people. That's why I took a break. I was hiding behind this blog. You couldn't see me, yet I could say anything I wanted to and talk the most shit ever on all of you. Blogs are an outlet but they shouldn't be how you deal with problems. Write to deal, but don't blog to deal. The internet is a nasty place. So then why am I starting this new post? I am going to try and be general and blog about common situations and ideas. Of course every blog post has some truth to it that actually led to it being written, therefore nothing is ever meaningless.

The reason why I have a blog is to blog about things and have people connect with them. For a while no one read this blog and I was merely writing for myself and now a few people read it here and there. I guess my point is that this blog has importance in my life and to totally discard and delete it would be heartbreaking.

Alright, onto the post I came on here to write.


I am not the best at relationships. In fact I have never had a relationship last long enough to even know if I was good at it, but I suppose since they have never lasted long then that answers that! ***<---disclaimer for everything you are about to read***

I have always had this need and want to be admired and loved, and honestly I have no idea where this addiction/obsession came from. I don't have daddy problems and nothing traumatic ever happened to me as a kid. I had a great childhood and a wonderful family. But this compulsion for the need of acceptance has led to all my destructive tendencies. I want people to think I'm cool. I drink. I want to be friends with them. I smoke. I want him to love me. I have sex with him. It's a sad cycle that I've put myself through while trying to find love in all the wrong places.

My biggest problem I think has been sex and using sex to get someone to like me. Any guy will like you if you have sex with him, but once he cums then you're just like every other girl who has put out. A dime a dozen. For some reason I was never taught that sex was sacred. I never really understood what it was like to have a healthy relationship with another man. And I honestly don't know why.

At times I fall back into my old ways and rely on what is comfortable to me, that being sex. I get so anxious about someone actually getting to know me and liking me for who I am that I instead just throw in the towel and say lets have sex and then I will know you like me (not true). And when I do this they leave and I always wonder why. Now that's not the reason why they all leave. But in the past they have gotten exactly what they wanted and found no reason to entertain the idea of US any longer. Sad, but I bring it on myself. If I let someone get to know me without putting sex in the equation and they still left in the end well at least I would know I hadn't wasted something special on another douche bag.

I guess it all comes down to how much someone really likes you, how much they care, how much they want it to work out. Let me tell you, every girl wants you to fight for her, always. If you don't fight it just confirms everything we have been dreading, the fact that you really don't want to be with us. At least this is how I feel. And in the end when everything is said and done, you look back on what happened and you hold on to this single tiny piece of hope that a fucking miracle will happen and suddenly he will want to be with you again. Part of you says it will never happen and then this other part sneaks up on you and says, "maybe, you never know." And, it's true, you never do know, but in this case it is better to just let go.

Letting go fucking sucks. Not texting him. Not calling him. Not kissing him. Not laughing with him. Not going out to dinner with him. Not having crazy adventures with him. Not doing anything with him. It's like he's a ghost, someone that I used to know who no longer lives here anymore(2 lyrics put together... guess those songs!). But, why try and convince someone you're worth it? Why try and tell someone to make time for you? Why try to put effort in when the other person could care less? It's that damn hope again. And hope is good, but in this situation I think it is better to move on, realize that you're fucking wonderful, and that you will definitely find your soulmate, and to have fun whenever you can.

This doesn't mean you need to cut them out of your life (unless he's a creepy ass stalker) but it just means to let go and start being happy again. You shouldn't need someone to make you happy.

Of course you will think of him. Little things will remind you. But, the only good way to deal with those things is to let it cross your mind and then let it leave.

We all have wasted ourselves on someone who didn't love us. Why waste anymore time, energy, love on them?

continuing

I feel like I learned a lot today.

I am going to try and sum it all up in a semi short not too long post.

So last night I was upset of course about the fact that this thing with the guy I had been seeing ended. I was still upset about it this morning too. And I don't need to cover everything again because if you care to know more about just read my previous posts. Anywho the main point is that I was mad that I had failed again. I was confused as to why the happy giddyness talkativeness stopped. And, I was sad that there didn't seem to be another chance for us to try. All these emotions were fuming and boiling in my body, killing me on the inside and in my mind.
I resorted to talking to a coworker of mine since I really never know who to really talk to. He gave the best advice without giving direct "do this or do that" advice. He mad me realize that all my stressful feelings weren't worth it. And that especially this early in dating him things should be happy and honeymoon like, not sad or stressful. I explained to him how me and this guy were hardly talking anymore and my coworker said that someone should want to talk to you, someone should be excited to talk to you. All in all I realized that this isn't meant to work. I don't believe it's the distance, not for me at least, that made it fall apart, but rather a lack of foundation. Maybe even a lack of commitment? I don't know. I don't know why it didn't work for him (maybe I should ask him, or maybe I should shut my mouth and not worry about it (go with numero dos)). And usually I never know with guys because you know they just aren't wired like us girls. They don't say outright how they feel even when you ask them. For this guy I am not sure what didn't work for him. Let me say though that I am the one who put a stop to it all. But, all this is just fine. Like he said, I am glad I have a more positive attitude about this because I enjoyed the time I spent with him and I loved getting to know him better. Did I want it to work out and keep going till the fall? Yes. But life never works out the way you want it to, and in truth it isn't supposed to.
c

Also, talked to my girl friend who is having a similar problem, okay it's pretty exact, anywho, I told her that if he can't spend a measly 5 minutes on the phone with you then what's the point? She is amazing and worth a million minutes and more! I guess my whole conclusion is to stay close to your heart and how you feel and to always remember that you are worth it.

sad goodbyes

So here I go again. I am at a crossroads, kind of. And you and me are done. Sure we can be friends but don't expect me to go out of my way to say anything because I will make damn sure that I kill all those feelings. Seems severe right? That's what I did with the last one. That's how I was able to get closer to you. I had to make room. And no that's not the healthy way to do it and yes at some point I'll come full circle with you just like I did with him. I can think of him and not feel regret or want. I just feel happy nothingness when I think of him. When I think of you I just feel disappointment. But I am not disappointed in you, only in myself. So, here I am at these crossroads and I will bury you beneath me, you're far enough away that I don't have to think about you and now I can start to distract myself with happier things. Maybe I'll find someone else, maybe I won't. I don't really care. I just don't want to feel like this. Feel like such a failure at these things. And yes I am young but you don't know me or my past and even if you did maybe it wouldn't make a difference. I want happiness, that's all.

she's got too much love

Maybe I come on too strong. Maybe I'll look back and realize that I should've been more cautious. But I can't stop it. I won't. I'm quite happy shamelessly crushing and if I'm too hot then everyone should get out of the damn kitchen. I'm a flame that burns if you play with me too much, yet I'll dance around and warm your soul with my touch. Point being, nothing is in the middle for me. I am either high or low. It is rare that I am peacefully content. Maybe that's my problem, my need to stir the pot. I create my own problems. If I look into the future I know I am going to learn from this, like I learn from everything else, therefore, no experience be wasted.

I've said my peace and am going to stop bullying myself over my feelings (for now at least).

zip it

I didn't say anything. I kept my mouth shut. I still don't know why or what it is, but for now I'm content with this. I know. I trust. I am different. Now maybe down the road I'll have to speak up. Some say get it over with now before it's too late. And maybe I'll change my mind, I do it all the time. And then I can deal with the repercussions of the situation. I am fearful. I don't want to live in fear. I stopped myself from breaking the fear up because maybe it's just something I am not meant to understand. I don't know. I know there's a connection. There's fire above and below. I know there are other connections. All I can hope is that ours grows stronger.

going on a journey

Here I am again.

And I am scared, but I am also hopeful of what is to come.
I want to eat grilled cheeses with you, watch movies and cuddle, kiss you, do dirty things with you, grind my nails into your arms and of course mark you with my bites. I want this weekend to be as good as it can be. Yeah, you might get tired of me and I think that's what I fear. If you suddenly become mad at me then that's okay cause we can fix it. If you feel like you want to hit me over the head with a frying pan because I am so annoying, well, I can't do much about it.

I've never done this. I have never spent a weekend with a guy. I always leave. I never sleepover. I remember there was this moment at sfsu where I made this guy I was seeing walk me back to my dorm at 3 am, in the titty freezing cold, every time we hooked up/hungout.

So of course I am nervous. I don't know what it is like to sleep next to someone from night till morning. Just kidding, I totally just remembered, I have slept over at a guys house. He was my first boyfriend that I had deep feelings for, but it was honestly such a fucked up relationship. Anywho, I would lie to my parents about where I was going, get wasted off Captain Morgan and then try and fall asleep with him. Even though I was so drunk it was hard to sleep next to him. How someone sleeps is a private thing. I don't look pretty like some girls do when they sleep. I am not worried about being pretty, I was just making a statement. Like I said, I am nervous, but I trust him. I trust that things will pan out as they may no matter how much I want to control them. I just hope that this whole blow up was just a part of the game and that if we hit another blow up that I will handle it better. I want this to work.

Ladies, HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

Lately I have been reading, he's just not that into you, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I have never been one to buy self help books or dating books, but I must say that this "no excuse book to understanding guys," is my new bible. That is a bit of an exaggeration because I do not agree with everything the book suggests, but I have found that men make more sense. To sum it up, any excuse a woman gives for a guy's lacking qualities results in the conclusion that "he's just not that into you." After reading all the questions that women have submitted to Greg I can see that they will go to great lengths to deny themselves the truth, and that truth is, "he's just not that into you." I am not above making excuses as to why someone didn't like me because who wants to admit that to themselves? I sure don't, but sometimes facing reality helps you move on and recently it has helped me to move on.

After a tumultuous relationship/friendship/datingship I tried to try again with him only to find out that, he just wasn't that into me. People give excuses about being too busy, or being scared to love again after being hurt or even not wanting things to get complicated again but that is all codswallop in my opinion. If you really like someone, want someone, care for someone then no lack of time nor fear of being hurt will stop you because you know that that person is worth all of it. So after my re-attempt and failure at trying to convince someone I was worth it, I took a deep breath and carried on. I know I deserve to be happy and have someone who wants to get to know every bit of me and spend time with me as much as they can. It's a shame it wasn't him. In the past I would've been mopey and sad, but now I am just ready to say, "NEXT!" I don't mean to insinuate that I go through men like I go through diet cokes, I just mean I am not going to worry about it. I want happiness and if I meet someone while on the road to being happy then great, but I surely won't spend my time feeling like I am not enough. I am enough and even more.

One more thing, I have used and abused myself in the past because I didn't grow up thinking I was worth anything. I am here to let you know that your past is just a state of mind and each day you can change how you're going to live your life. You don't have to be that ugly person from the past, you can be pure again if you truly want to be.