M.

I've breached this subject before, but I am doing it again because this blog is for me, to express my thoughts to you, to help me deal.

I never thought I'd be looking back asking myself how I lost my best friend. Yes, things have changed, we both have changed, grown and receded. I remember thinking in high school that this girl was my best friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my friend who I could sing Disney songs with at the top of my lungs. I thought even with life's curveballs we would always be friends, forever.

Now, I look at her pictures on facebook and hear things about her through mutual friends and I say to myself, "I don't know this person." It's a hard thing to believe you know a person only to find out they are or have chosen to be nothing like what they were. Some people improve for the best, but I honestly don't know if I can say that about her. Then again maybe it's not my place to judge her good or bad, maybe growth doesn't have a dual conscience. Maybe I am wrong and I am the one who failed. I don't know.

I'd like to think she's happy. In her pictures she looks happy, but looks can be deceiving. I just don't understand how one person can be a certain way all their life and then suddenly, with a flip of a switch, be the complete opposite. Are they pretending now or have they been pretending up until this point? Maybe we are just too different to get along now.

I don't have the answers, but it makes me sad to live my life without her.

The simple solution would be to become friends again after our falling out, but I don't want to be friends with the new her, I want my old best friend back.

21st century love

I've heard so many things about love and relationships. I could write a book with all that I've ever been told, but the book on what I actually know about love and relationships would be a very small picture book with phrases starting out with, "I think..."

The love I've experienced is not like the movies I watch, not like the novels I read and not even close to how everyone tells me it is supposed to be.

I just don't know what to do.

I sometimes think it would be better if I could go back to a time when love was simpler. When you married cause you had to and not cause you wanted to. When marriages were arranged. When there was no texting or tumblr or facebook as the main means to communicate with your love.

I want to go back to when people wrote letters, and came to your door with flowers before the date, and who met your parents the very first night they took you out.

May be I am just silly and getting worried about nothing, but I think pure love between two people is a dying art.

No one can say "I love you," without sending it in a text first.

No one can have a stable relationship till they declare it on facebook.

No one feels loved unless their pictures on instagram and their statuses are all filled with their lover's name and face.

I don't know what love looks like between me and another individual, but I do want it to be so much more than what I see, what I hear and the little that I know.

hours later with a reprise

I still believe what I said in the earlier post, but don't forget circumstances because if you do then you're screwed.

Cryptic? A bit?

That's okay. Just don't forget what you want nor what you can't have.

The Greatest Thing

You've seen the movie Moulin Rouge, right?

Christian, an anguished romantic says the infamous line, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

Love, relationships, sex, lust, and everything else in that realm has always been a never ending throbbing headache for me. Still is.

Anywho, "what is love?"

From Merriam-Webster Dictionary online:

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

"Oh baby don't hurt me no more."

Although love seems to be easily defined in the dictionary in reality it can take on many different definitions and actions.

LOVE:

Love thy neighbor.
Loving your grandparents.
Making love to your best friend.
A woman loving another woman.
Returning someones wallet to them.
Taking your dog for a walk.
Saving yourself till marriage.
Love for Yaweh, Allah, Shiva.
Loving yourself.

Love is endless, love makes the world go round.

and as Shakespeare says, "Love sought is good, but given unsought is better." Twelfth Night – Act 3, Scene 1

All my young life I've looked for love, looked for someone to love me back. I'd be pushed into a depression when people rejected me. I'd ask myself "why wasn't I good enough?"

But within the past 24 hours I came to this conclusion: Just to love is good enough.

If I stop focusing on whether or not someone loves me back or not then I'll be golden. I won't feel dejected, ever, because I will not be searching nor wanting their stamp of love.

To love is one of the greatest qualities the human race is equipped with, and especially with our ability to quantify and qualify it in so many ways, well, that just makes us extra lucky.

So for now I love without expecting anything back. Maybe one day my priorities will change, but for now the feeling of fullness I get from caring about people is enough.

And I don't know any other way to explain this, but it is similar to how at christmas you should give presents and not expect to get one back because you receive enough joy and fulfillment out of just giving your love.

The end. love you.

the answers to the questions we all ask

What do you do when you're afraid of losing someone, a different someone all over again?

What do you do when you are afraid of letting everyone down, even though you're trying to do what's right for you?

What do you do when you want something so bad, but you know it's toxic?

What do you do?



-once I find some sort of resolution to all these questions I'll let you know, but for now feel free to answer with your own wisdom.

My updated life status: utterly torn and confused.

hearts aren't practical

Sometimes I get distracted by the little things. I was happy, gleeful, and excited about what was to come and now I feel morose, disheartened, dejected.

I've been practicing (only in this past week or so) calmness. Trying to take everything in stride. Not overreacting.

But right now I feel like I've been still enough to earn some time to overreact.



My love life sucks. I mess things up with my insecurities and need for self control. Also, I care too much most of the time to the point where I think I am trying to save something, but instead I am just strangling it to death.

I am one of those girls who squeezes her rodents too tight and unfortunately breaks their tiny ribs. Fear not, this is just a metaphor and has never really happened.



I realized today that I wish some of my relationships (is dating considered a relationship?) had continued. I wish I hadn't strangled them to death. I am not broken from these ends because I have better insight than that. But, I still cared then as I do now. Maybe these relationships would've still hit a dead end eventually. I don't know. I just hate when there's this space where old feelings lie, waiting, waiting for something to bring them forth again, but instead you have to pretend that they aren't there or that they are there but you are an adult now so you must quietly ignore them and still be happy. Any day I would take these friendships over the relationships (for now at least), but it's hard to have a friendship when things aren't dead nor settled.

I think we all fear being vulnerable, saying how we feel. The main reason I write on this blog or in my journal is because it is the only place I can really be honest with myself. I admit at times I hide behind this internet interface, but for the most part I'd like to believe that everything here is something you already know, not a surprise where I am virtually stabbing you with words over the internet (though that has definitely happened before, and more than once).

As I continue to grow and learn in this life, I think one big thing that is pertinent to any relationship is communication, being able to say how you feel with integrity and faith that your vulnerability will not go unnoticed and that the other person will give you the same respect to tell the truth, unbridled.

I think it is so difficult because we associate confrontation with anger and negative thoughts. We associate being vulnerable with being helpless and needy.

What if we told someone, that someone, how we felt, completely and truly. The end, no drama, no "why don't you love me?!", no stage 5 clinger, just here are the facts take it or leave it. If we could be completely open and understanding I think we would be a lot better off. And just cause you're understanding, doesn't mean you don't have to pretend you aren't hurt.


Wizard of Oz: As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
Tin Woodsman: But I still want one.

theo lacy

So warped tour didn't work out for multiple reasons, I could explain, but I just don't wanna. I still got to see Taking Back Sunday so life ain't so bad.

Anywho.

I've been meaning to write this post since Saturday, but I have literally done everything instead of writing it, even though I really don't "have" to write it.

On Saturday I saw my friend Jared in Theo Lacy Jail. It was a very difficult experience to say the least. Once I saw him it was as if the glass between us didn't exist, it was as if we were there, at a family party, talking, laughing, smiling. In reality I was talking through a phone to him, separated by glass, in a jail with other delinquents. I love Jared with all my heart. I have known him for most of my life. I grew up with him. I've watched him fall and break. But I love him. Jared and me have always had a connection. It is like something inside me wiggles and writhes when we are together. It is like my body comes together into one piece. It has always been that way.

Unfortunately Jared has problems, problems that stem from a place I don't know. He honestly has been fucking up his life for a while now and as much I'd like to say this is rock bottom for him, I don't know if it is. I have feelings, like a 6th sense, telling me what is to come (I know...) and I feel darkness, I feel like he won't make it this time. I feel like this will be the last time. I know that is beyond fucked to say, and I seriously hope to God that he flips his life around when he gets out in a few months. I hope I am completely wrong because I do believe he can get better, I just don't know if he believes it.

He's doing really well for the situation he is in at the moment, and honestly I think jail has been a good thing for him, but the real world is so different from his now controlled atmosphere.

I went to the jail with my dad cause he wanted to say a quick hi to Jared (sounds so casual right?). When I got there it was filled with all sorts of visitors. The worst thing was how many kids were there. It was horrible to think about being a child who has to go see their dad or their uncle in that place. It made me want to cry. During the whole process of waiting in line, going through the metal detector, waiting for our name to be called, being assigned a number, then waiting at the number for Jared, I was in full fledge internal panic mode.

While I waited for him to come to window 27 I thought I might throw up. My anxiety was killings me. Though, I wanted to throw up I was also smiling from ear to ear. Let me tell you, no one else was smiling there. My nerves had transpired into giggles and grins. And the craziest thing about the room where inmates talk to visitors is that most of it was just glass, so you honestly couldn't tell who was the sinner and who was the saint, who was under lock and key and who was free. In a way I felt like if I hadn't gotten help, the tables could've been turned and he would be the one visiting me. But, when he came to the window I stopped, my world relaxed and I took a breath. I was expecting him to look like Charles Manson, but he really looked damn good. I kept telling him how much I loved his hair hahaha. He looked mature, jaded, different ,yet the same.( as an aside, in screenwriting a golden rule is to SHOW and not TELL. And here I saw all these new traits about him and I really would not know how to show maturity or being jaded to you. Some things cannot be told or explained, they have to be seen or felt.) We talked about everything and nothing and to see him smiling and laughing made me realize that I am the same as all these people here, visiting someone they love. But before we could finish talking the phone cut out, but that's the jail's way of telling you that your time is up.

I walked away with my head held high. I didn't look back till the end and I could've sworn he just finished looking back at me. I also received a letter from him today saying how special the visit was to him.

Overall, the place, the experience, everything about it was frightening. That will never change. I hope that Jared will change, I want him to live and thrive. I love him. And, I know I throw the word, "love", around a lot, but I'd rather say it too much than not at all. Honestly, he will be my friend forever, no matter what happens.

something needs to be said.

I'm sorry.

I'm not easy. I've got problems. I think I know what I want, but in reality I am always a little bit unsure. I can be so ridiculous. I can be the biggest headfuck ever. I will change my mind every minute. I will use friendship as leverage. I have the need to control everything. I am immature in most respects.

All this nonsense is me. I am not saying all of this is okay because it is not. It is never okay to treat someone badly, but it happens because we all fuck up and we all don't know how to be good in shitty situations.

But, that is life.

I think we gradually learn how to deal. Some of us are late bloomers in that department, me included.
And you know a day later after everything I always feel better, much better. I feel better because I know I am not the only one who fears being alone. I feel better because the people who love me are honestly the most beautiful people I have ever met. And, lastly, I feel better because I know my life will go on.

You can't plan your life. That's just not how it works. And I wasn't planning all of this to happen, but it did. I was unprepared on how to act. But this is life. This is what life is made out of, the failures and the victories. You just gotta learn from it. That's the hardest part for me, not making the same mistakes over and over again.

save the drama for...

If we aren't fighting then we are fucking and if we aren't fucking then we are silently seething in the corner.

There was an episode of New Girl where Jess, Zooey Deschanel, breaks up with her cougar sugar daddy Russel because their relationship is too...simple, peaceful, passion-less.

There is a reason why people stay in tumultuous relationships. I believe people like drama.

I mean people can say that they don't like drama, they can say it all they want, but you have to admit it keeps shit interesting.

Now there is a limit, a breaking point to the amount of drama someone can take and well it is very hard finding the balance. All in all Jess broke up with him because there was no drama between them.

Maybe this need for drama fades as we get older and grow wiser. I don't know. Would you want a relationship that was close to perfect day in and day out? No fights, no disagreements, no nothing. The best thing about breaking up is the makeup sex, just think, no being thrown up against a wall by your former boyfriend while he furiously pulls your panties to the side and fucks you silly.

Oye, gimme.

Anywho the point is I am coming to the conclusion that maybe a little drama is called for, not the, "I am going to cheat on my bf purposefully to create drama DRAMA." Or the "I am going to fake a pregnancy drama." More like "my fucking boyfriend can't do the dishes kind of shit."

Maybe I am talking out of my ass and am totally wrong.

But emotional drama always keeps us coming back for more in movies, books, life, etc. It keeps things interesting.

Drama in moderation and maybe not too often.