Worth the Space

Love changes you. Unconditional love from another person (family members don't count) gives you self worth. Of course some are built with this worth already streaming through their blood (we sometimes call them, "pompous assholes"), but there are others out there who only see the flaws. I would love to admit that with my own mind and eyes I saw my self worth, but that isn't true. It has taken a lot to even build up my feeling of specialness, especially when it was constantly being shat on by myself and everyone else. Well, not everyone, but you get the point.


Anywho, it wasn't until I met someone very special and dear to my heart that I saw what he saw, the amazing me. It's corny to say aloud, let alone write it on my blog, but it is true. I see that I am so much better than my distant want to be a stripper or the fantasy of being a Playboy centerfold. I see the respect he gives me and I now expect that from everyone else and rightfully so.


I experienced something recently where I was disrespected as a woman and a person. I smiled and just laughed it off, but it wasn't until later that I realized how disgusting and contemptuous their actions were. See, I am still learning. I still have to check myself and say, "Hey, are you really okay with that?" or "Why is it okay for him to say that to you?" I won't go on my feminist rant just yet, but the resolution is that you as a person are worthy of so much more. Allow yourself to be respected and cherished for your amazing and unique qualities. Relish in compliments as if they were chocolate and a free spa treatment because they are. Compliments, praise and respect should give you value. Most of the time we deny ourselves of these things because we don't believe we deserve it, but let me tell you, WE DO.

sigh

I am so tired of crying.

Crying cause I am sad. Crying cause I am happy. Wild Rivers on my eyes.

I don't have a lot to say or much direction after everything that has gone down this weekend.

I feel like I am waiting or just stagnant, but not stagnant in a bad way. If we keep arguing and trying to fix things and break things and then fix them all over again does that mean something? Is that better than throwing in the towel? I honestly thought it would be easy or better to walk away. And 24 hours later I felt like wolverine's claw had ripped through my insides. It was bleeding and I couldn't stop it. Leaking, soaking, tainting the rest like a toxic substance that killed by the touch. I couldn't deal. And then I tried to go back, and then KABOOM.

I feel wrong for trying to set the fire, but when you said it, it was as if you wanted me to be with someone else, to already have other relations going on with people. So I went for it. I regret. It was stupid, I was stupid. One of those girlish moments where you feel so self righteous that someone deserves pain on your behalf.

I will say, no matter how fucked this is, it was nice to hear you mad. I was waiting for you to fight, to say you didn't want me with anyone else no matter how selfish that is. The anger in your voice excited me, made me laugh, made me cringe, made me want to try and fight you. It is one of those sadistic things. Also, my love of drama. Though, I will say that it frightened me and I never want to see you that mad in person.

But in the end we talked. There was no conclusion, but I am glad we talked. I believe you will always be there. I don't think you know but that's a trait I've always thought I possessed. My friends could call me, friends I don't talk to and I would help them and listen. I guess I keep hoping that someone will do the same for me.

It's hard to have these solid people in your life walk away and change. I can't even remember how many times this has happened whether it be with friends or just guys. It's hard to shake that feeling that no one will stay.

I'll try and relax and not expect anything. It's the least I can do.

today is a day for tears.

I was upset today. The morning started off great as I drove my neighbor to her 5th grade writing summer class and then it snowballed to a shit show from there. I became angry, frustrated and fed up.

It was one of those moments where you just want to cut the strings to all the "bad" things in your life. I kept telling myself I was done trying and that anything was really nothing and that everything was in no way salvageable.

I cried a lot today. I cried driving to therapy. I cried in therapy. I cried driving home from therapy. I cried while watching Intervention. I cried a few minutes ago.

My head hurts from holding back as many tears as I could.

I don't like to seem as if I am affected by the going-ons in my life. I like to seem strong and impervious to pain.

And as I opened old wounds today I realized I was hardening my heart to everything just so that I wouldn't feel pain or disappointment.

I ended up opening my heart in therapy, feeling the sting of built up hatred and anger. I let myself feel it. That's why I cried, the tears were my pain being released. My sobs were my voice becoming clearer and forgiving.

I'm not fixed and I am a work in progress, and today I took a baby step by relinquishing myself to the painful truth of reality.

I said goodbye to my best friend. I wished her well and told her I loved her.

And, maybe it is not goodbye, maybe our paths will reconvene at some point. It's all I can wish for. She has to take her own journey as I must take mine, but love never dies and neither do the memories I have had with her.

It's funny you know, these days when I feel broken and dilapidated I get reassurance that I am loved and that there is hope.

I received a letter from my friend Jared who is currently incarcerated and he told me a very inspiring story that made me tear up because it was so beautiful. I'll ask him if I can share it, in fact it might be on the internet.

Anywho, I wanted to say that everything isn't fixable
some things end because it's fate
if you really love someone the love never dies
the little things hurt but aren't the end of the world
and there is always a silver lining.

Also, don't be afraid to cry.

M.

I've breached this subject before, but I am doing it again because this blog is for me, to express my thoughts to you, to help me deal.

I never thought I'd be looking back asking myself how I lost my best friend. Yes, things have changed, we both have changed, grown and receded. I remember thinking in high school that this girl was my best friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my friend who I could sing Disney songs with at the top of my lungs. I thought even with life's curveballs we would always be friends, forever.

Now, I look at her pictures on facebook and hear things about her through mutual friends and I say to myself, "I don't know this person." It's a hard thing to believe you know a person only to find out they are or have chosen to be nothing like what they were. Some people improve for the best, but I honestly don't know if I can say that about her. Then again maybe it's not my place to judge her good or bad, maybe growth doesn't have a dual conscience. Maybe I am wrong and I am the one who failed. I don't know.

I'd like to think she's happy. In her pictures she looks happy, but looks can be deceiving. I just don't understand how one person can be a certain way all their life and then suddenly, with a flip of a switch, be the complete opposite. Are they pretending now or have they been pretending up until this point? Maybe we are just too different to get along now.

I don't have the answers, but it makes me sad to live my life without her.

The simple solution would be to become friends again after our falling out, but I don't want to be friends with the new her, I want my old best friend back.

Your love is like, a Rollercoaster baby

So some of my relationships are roller coaster rides.

"Your love is like, a Rollercoaster baby, baby
I wanna ride yeah"- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Maybe all relationships are filled with loops, corkscrews, twists and moments that just make you wanna throw up. I don't know about yours, but mine certainly are.

Though my relationships with people can be dizzying and sickening they can also be exhilarating and fun.

I saw the movie Ruby Sparks tonight which was written by Zoe Kazan. Fuck yeah, female writers rock!!!!! Plus, she starred in the film and was simply fabulous!

Shit where was I going with this?

Anywho, go see the movie!

Oh now I remember...I thought to myself, "Why can't I have a romance like the ones in the movies." "Do these sweet, fun-loving, quirky, spontaneous relationships exist outside of Hollywood sets?" I'd like to believe so.

Though, my romances are closer to the horror genre than the lovey dovey comedy romance one.

One of my all time favorite movies, 2 Days in Paris, in short it is about a french woman in love. In the movie you see the hardships with her boyfriend, a cynical, ridiculous, lovely pain in the ass. Think of him as the 2nd time you had anal; feels good, but still kind of hurts.

Anywho, you see everything they go through and they are in constant arguments that end in playful jokes and kisses.

In the end the river cards are seen. I don't want to spoil anything so please just go watch it.

So, even though my relationships with peoples aren't like the ones in the movies, in some I see that I am helping the other person grow and they are helping me do the same. That's what every relationship needs, someone to help you grow because life isn't perfect, we aren't perfect and love is fucking flawed as shit. Life is a journey and progression. In my mind there is no finish line, just the continuation of growing and helping others spread their branches to the sky.

So...

"Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses." - 2 Days in Paris

My own sentiment. You've helped me grow and I think I've helped you a bit too, that's why I don't want to let go. You make me better.

The Greatest Thing

You've seen the movie Moulin Rouge, right?

Christian, an anguished romantic says the infamous line, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

Love, relationships, sex, lust, and everything else in that realm has always been a never ending throbbing headache for me. Still is.

Anywho, "what is love?"

From Merriam-Webster Dictionary online:

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

"Oh baby don't hurt me no more."

Although love seems to be easily defined in the dictionary in reality it can take on many different definitions and actions.

LOVE:

Love thy neighbor.
Loving your grandparents.
Making love to your best friend.
A woman loving another woman.
Returning someones wallet to them.
Taking your dog for a walk.
Saving yourself till marriage.
Love for Yaweh, Allah, Shiva.
Loving yourself.

Love is endless, love makes the world go round.

and as Shakespeare says, "Love sought is good, but given unsought is better." Twelfth Night – Act 3, Scene 1

All my young life I've looked for love, looked for someone to love me back. I'd be pushed into a depression when people rejected me. I'd ask myself "why wasn't I good enough?"

But within the past 24 hours I came to this conclusion: Just to love is good enough.

If I stop focusing on whether or not someone loves me back or not then I'll be golden. I won't feel dejected, ever, because I will not be searching nor wanting their stamp of love.

To love is one of the greatest qualities the human race is equipped with, and especially with our ability to quantify and qualify it in so many ways, well, that just makes us extra lucky.

So for now I love without expecting anything back. Maybe one day my priorities will change, but for now the feeling of fullness I get from caring about people is enough.

And I don't know any other way to explain this, but it is similar to how at christmas you should give presents and not expect to get one back because you receive enough joy and fulfillment out of just giving your love.

The end. love you.

theo lacy

So warped tour didn't work out for multiple reasons, I could explain, but I just don't wanna. I still got to see Taking Back Sunday so life ain't so bad.

Anywho.

I've been meaning to write this post since Saturday, but I have literally done everything instead of writing it, even though I really don't "have" to write it.

On Saturday I saw my friend Jared in Theo Lacy Jail. It was a very difficult experience to say the least. Once I saw him it was as if the glass between us didn't exist, it was as if we were there, at a family party, talking, laughing, smiling. In reality I was talking through a phone to him, separated by glass, in a jail with other delinquents. I love Jared with all my heart. I have known him for most of my life. I grew up with him. I've watched him fall and break. But I love him. Jared and me have always had a connection. It is like something inside me wiggles and writhes when we are together. It is like my body comes together into one piece. It has always been that way.

Unfortunately Jared has problems, problems that stem from a place I don't know. He honestly has been fucking up his life for a while now and as much I'd like to say this is rock bottom for him, I don't know if it is. I have feelings, like a 6th sense, telling me what is to come (I know...) and I feel darkness, I feel like he won't make it this time. I feel like this will be the last time. I know that is beyond fucked to say, and I seriously hope to God that he flips his life around when he gets out in a few months. I hope I am completely wrong because I do believe he can get better, I just don't know if he believes it.

He's doing really well for the situation he is in at the moment, and honestly I think jail has been a good thing for him, but the real world is so different from his now controlled atmosphere.

I went to the jail with my dad cause he wanted to say a quick hi to Jared (sounds so casual right?). When I got there it was filled with all sorts of visitors. The worst thing was how many kids were there. It was horrible to think about being a child who has to go see their dad or their uncle in that place. It made me want to cry. During the whole process of waiting in line, going through the metal detector, waiting for our name to be called, being assigned a number, then waiting at the number for Jared, I was in full fledge internal panic mode.

While I waited for him to come to window 27 I thought I might throw up. My anxiety was killings me. Though, I wanted to throw up I was also smiling from ear to ear. Let me tell you, no one else was smiling there. My nerves had transpired into giggles and grins. And the craziest thing about the room where inmates talk to visitors is that most of it was just glass, so you honestly couldn't tell who was the sinner and who was the saint, who was under lock and key and who was free. In a way I felt like if I hadn't gotten help, the tables could've been turned and he would be the one visiting me. But, when he came to the window I stopped, my world relaxed and I took a breath. I was expecting him to look like Charles Manson, but he really looked damn good. I kept telling him how much I loved his hair hahaha. He looked mature, jaded, different ,yet the same.( as an aside, in screenwriting a golden rule is to SHOW and not TELL. And here I saw all these new traits about him and I really would not know how to show maturity or being jaded to you. Some things cannot be told or explained, they have to be seen or felt.) We talked about everything and nothing and to see him smiling and laughing made me realize that I am the same as all these people here, visiting someone they love. But before we could finish talking the phone cut out, but that's the jail's way of telling you that your time is up.

I walked away with my head held high. I didn't look back till the end and I could've sworn he just finished looking back at me. I also received a letter from him today saying how special the visit was to him.

Overall, the place, the experience, everything about it was frightening. That will never change. I hope that Jared will change, I want him to live and thrive. I love him. And, I know I throw the word, "love", around a lot, but I'd rather say it too much than not at all. Honestly, he will be my friend forever, no matter what happens.