What the future holds...some prose

Before I start I'll say, "This is me processing my feelings. No, for now, I will not kill myself."

Each day I walk in
the doorman says, "Hello"
I smile and pretend
telling myself to be happy
act like you are happy,
even though you are not
engage with people
say, "Good morning"
and, again, don't forget to smile
when they look away you can stop
drop it all and go back to your sadness
but whenever someone looks your way
"play it again, Sam."
because you can't let them see it
sucking the life out of you
drowning you to the deep bottom of nothingness
how every day is torture
being there, where they don't want you
dreaming of somewhere else
a place where you can take the next step
but, instead you are here
and every bit of me says, "Be grateful."
good money, nice people, still in the industry
I am screaming, but I am silent
"Get me out of here."
These times, dying feels like heaven
my worries would be out the door
and the anxiety would cease
I'd be dead and silent
in peace
away from adulthood
away from responsibilities
all of you try to help me
but a part of me is willing to leave it all behind
just to get some quiet
because I don't want to be tormented
torn in different directions
pushed one way or another
when I am trying my best to move forward
yet no one will give me a chance
they see through me, my desperation
and I am not good enough
or something else that disqualifies me
so, I think, death would be the alternative
and my will to kill is so little that it won't happen
for now
but, maybe in a year
who knows the landscape of my mind
once again digging for happiness
and coming up with dirty hands
no rubies or jewels
nothing
then you say, "I want to be nothing."
this weight is too great
I can not handle another day
struggling to get by
pulling out my teeth
asking, "Do I look happy now?"
a fool amongst the foolhardy
yet no one kills themselves
it's just me
forever depressed
constantly a mess
no way to move forward
stuck where I am
anxiety ridden
a villain conquered at the end
goodbye to dreams
hello to peace
awaiting me on the other side of
what's good and what's not good enough 

150%

This post serves two purposes.

1. To get me in a writing mood

2. To make a deal with myself


Recently I have started a new sleep regimen (with the exception of last night) where I am in bed by 12, asleep probably around 1am, and then awake by 9 or 10am. I have cut my caffeine from 4 drinks to 2 drinks. I don't drink caffeine after 6pm. Hypersomnia and insomniac are my new titles. Anywho, I would say that this is another baby step towards changing my life. Considering that I used to go to bed around 3 or 4 am and wake around 2 or 3 pm, but that's only if someone woke me up, otherwise I would keep sleeping. It's been a week and I feel better. It is easier to get up and I honestly feel like my body's gears are clicking back into the right places.

Also, I am planning on going to a creative writing club at CSUF on Monday night. I met a new guy friend. I am planning to go to an AA meeting with Miss Elin two wednesday's from now. AND I am planning to go on a run with the Snail's Pace running club in MV this Wednesday.

I am going to make it to all of these commitments.

Oh, and I deleted snapchat after one of my wonderful friends who received a nude photo from me made it into this cat picture. It was really funny until I knew he was showing my other friends. Then it made me feel weird. Oh the downfalls of snapchat. Such is life. No more nudes. Tons more condoms (don't ask).

So, what does this have to do with anything.

Well, for once I feel as if I am giving my life 150%. Why not 200% because 200% is an absurd number plus, "15", is one of my lucky numbers.

I feel so happy. Overjoyed. Just smiling all the time when I am around people. It feels good to move on, do new shit and put effort into your life.

I was giving at best 75%. I wonder if for one month I can give 150% every day.

I'll workout when I say I am going to.
I am going to go to an AA meeting.
I will meet new people through the running club and or creative writing club.
I will be a good parent to myself and keep getting into bed at 12.
I shall look at life with an open heart, being nice to everyone who deserves my kindness (there are the rare exceptions when shit is not cool and you gotta be a boss and straighten dat shiiiet out).

^wtf molly? ghetto as hell.

And lets say I fail at all of these...well gotta just get back on the horse (which after falling is honestly and literally incredibly hard to do especially when you feel like crying in the dirt arena).

You may see this as silly and stupid, but I feel unfulfilled. I wonder if you were to look at your own life what percentage you would give it. Are you living the life you want? Maybe or maybe not. The beautiful thing is that you can change all this.

And rest assured that I will have my moments of spit and fire and curse words. That happens every day. The thing you have to remember is to recover from your anger and keep going.

wtf

Half of my day is consumed with asking myself, what is wrong with the world? Why are people so fucking stupid and annoying? Where do these cunt satchels get off thinking the world revolves around them? Why are people allowing themselves to become less?

I stop myself and say, "Molly get off your high horse. You are being an elitist and extremely presumptuous."

But then I continue to think on these scenarios where the human race is truly a pathetic disgrace. Maybe it has always been this way, and I am only now noticing it or maybe I am just a judgemental bitch. I don't know.

But, when...

*little tweens are cutting themselves and posting pictures of their bloody wrist all because Justin Bieber was caught with a blunt in his hand

*fucking mental people can gun down their own mothers and little children

*someone over the internet judges my age by my usage of winky faces

*a friend declares herself with so many titles I have now forgotten who I originally became friends with

...I start to wonder where this world will end up.

And don't get me wrong, there are so many instances where I have seriously degraded the term human and woman. It's not nice. It's not cool. But, god damn I feel like I am way ahead of these fucktards, in some respects. Whether minute or grand, people's way of thinking and acting scares me. I fear for my life in the future. honestly.

Today is my day

Today is the day, possibly, since I can't remember if the christmas party was yesterday today or tomorrow.

I have been sober for a year. A year. 364 days. Can you imagine? It is like having an itch you can't scratch cause you know if you do your skin will just fall apart cell by cell. It's like handcuffing yourself to a chair, willingly, while snakes parade around your body waiting to bite you. It is this overwhelming feeling of want, of need, of desire. Lust for the bad even though in that moment it feels oh so good. It's is like wearing a blinking sign around your neck that says, "I am out of control. I cannot manage my life. I therefore have to bar myself of bars."

It is incredibly difficult to say "No" when all you want to do is say, "yes."

Do you know what it is like to admit to yourself that you're incapable of managing your disease, your problems, your own sanity?

I don't know. It is hard to accurately describe this weight that you carry around each day as friends and family encourage you to drink. They wave it in your face, never knowing the struggles you have faced. But, that is the way it is. No one is ever going to understand fully because it is a personal situation. This is why you have to be good to yourself and have the courage to say, "No," despite everything they will never understand.

The want to be sober arrived after going to a christmas party with this guy I liked. He is straightedge, and in my eyes, was so cool. My feelings for him at that point were irrevocable. Anywho, we went to this christmas party and I got drunk while of course he stayed sober. I tried to slurp down any drink I could, even if it wasn't mine. I remember taking a martini glass and asking him if it was mine, I drank it regardless of his answer. We went to his house and I was very drunk. I fell asleep in his arms immediately. I woke up not remembering much. How typical. I drove home feeling like such a fucking stupid drunk whore. He stayed sober and was completely himself while I tried to drown my insanity over what we were or weren't with boozes.

He made me want to change. He made me want to be myself. He made me want to be like him. Strong in his conviction.

And, since that party I have been sober. There was a moment where I slipped up and had drinks at a party with this pretentious screenwriter. Needless to say he didn't start talking to me until I had a few drinks in me. Jackass. At least he shelled out his credit card for it.

The reason why I say I have been sober for a year is because that night was just one night, and though I made this promise to myself based on a time frame, it became much more than a number of days. It evolved into this commitment to myself and to no one else. It wasn't about the days. It was about the strength I used during that next day to stay sober.

So here I am. Another day of sobriety under my belt. Has my life changed? Drastically.

No longer am I having sex without the ability to say no. No longer am I physically abusing my boyfriends. No longer am I waking up to vomit on my sheets. No longer am I throwing up on myself during muni rides or having friends carry me home because I am too wasted to walk. No longer am I ruining friendships with my best friends just because I am a drunk idiot who says hurtful things. No longer am I cutting myself, mixing drugs, having severe lows. No longer am I pretending to be happy when I am clearly not.

Sobriety has brought me a brighter world. Not an easy world. But, certainly a world I can bear to live in.

My hope is to continue living soberly for as long as I can, but I find that even harder to imagine as my promise to myself is over and the want to fit in is still extremely overwhelming. I plan on going to AA meetings again and hopefully meeting more sober people. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but at least today I am sober.

Believe in me. This road is tough. One day at a time.

sigh

I am so tired of crying.

Crying cause I am sad. Crying cause I am happy. Wild Rivers on my eyes.

I don't have a lot to say or much direction after everything that has gone down this weekend.

I feel like I am waiting or just stagnant, but not stagnant in a bad way. If we keep arguing and trying to fix things and break things and then fix them all over again does that mean something? Is that better than throwing in the towel? I honestly thought it would be easy or better to walk away. And 24 hours later I felt like wolverine's claw had ripped through my insides. It was bleeding and I couldn't stop it. Leaking, soaking, tainting the rest like a toxic substance that killed by the touch. I couldn't deal. And then I tried to go back, and then KABOOM.

I feel wrong for trying to set the fire, but when you said it, it was as if you wanted me to be with someone else, to already have other relations going on with people. So I went for it. I regret. It was stupid, I was stupid. One of those girlish moments where you feel so self righteous that someone deserves pain on your behalf.

I will say, no matter how fucked this is, it was nice to hear you mad. I was waiting for you to fight, to say you didn't want me with anyone else no matter how selfish that is. The anger in your voice excited me, made me laugh, made me cringe, made me want to try and fight you. It is one of those sadistic things. Also, my love of drama. Though, I will say that it frightened me and I never want to see you that mad in person.

But in the end we talked. There was no conclusion, but I am glad we talked. I believe you will always be there. I don't think you know but that's a trait I've always thought I possessed. My friends could call me, friends I don't talk to and I would help them and listen. I guess I keep hoping that someone will do the same for me.

It's hard to have these solid people in your life walk away and change. I can't even remember how many times this has happened whether it be with friends or just guys. It's hard to shake that feeling that no one will stay.

I'll try and relax and not expect anything. It's the least I can do.

"Hope? I heard that girl is a bitch."

Do you ever have so much hope that it turns out to be a bad thing?

Well I do. I have too much hope in things that hold no promise whether it be lifestyle choices, men, my job, etc. When am I going to start living my life and leave all these things behind?

I invest so much of my hope in the past because I think it holds my future.

The truth is that all that matters is the present. This moment. Now.

My catharsis starts now.

But, one last question. Am I still holding on because of hope or because there's still something worthwhile in these things?

I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no.
I am honestly probably the worst person to judge a situation like that.

I guess I can't wait forever for things to change.

Time to move on.
Goodbye Hope.

Fifty Shades of Fucked Up: unmasked and whipped

Well, I just finished Fifty Shades Darker by E L James. If you don't know already, the trilogy of The Fifty Shades of Grey novels are about the erotic and kinky relationships that spurs between Ana Steele and Christian Grey.

The novels were written as a fanfic for Twilight. Fan fiction is where fans continue the stories of characters such as Bella and Edward or Ron and Hermione or even Hermione and Ginny in a sexually exploited way.

I found Fifty Shades of Grey and the sequel, Fifty Shades Darker to be compelling, yet greatly disappointing.

Besides the fact that it was Twilight all over again just with different names, scenarios and characters, it was disgusting how self deprecating Ana, our protagonist, is and how misleading it is of the world of BDSM.

I'll admit when I first read Twilight while sitting in the hallways of high school, ignoring my hot boyfriend and secretly hoping for a SoCal Edward to appear, I was over the moon about the book. I was a Twihard. Team Edward all the way. Someone please take me to Forks, Washington.

Anywho, I suppose reading this new rendition of the Twilight story and characters under the name of Fifty Shades of Grey, only drove my thought of hatred and disgust further.

The novel's protagonist, Bella and Ana, are so obscenely self deprecating that I think it to be a crime that wounds its readers.

Young girls (maybe or maybe not in the case of Fifty Shades) read these novels thinking that it is okay to think so lowly of themselves. Movies and books influence our lives in ways we can't even begin to know. For anyone who hasn't read either of the novels let me give you a quick summary: Neither Ana nor Bella think they are worthy of the love of the their man (Christian & Edward). They countlessly and tiresomely say how they don't understand why this man loves them. "How could someone like you be with someone like me."

I am sorry Bella and Ana, but shut the fuck up.

They are seriously misleading women and girls to believe that if they think lowly of themselves that there will be some man waiting in the wings for them, professing how unworthy he is of them.

Let me tell you from first hand experience. When you start whining and complaining how you feel unworthy of your lover's heart and soul, they will leave, quickly.

I know because I have had people leave me for that self deprecating behavior. I have left people for that behavior because no matter how often or how much I tell someone I care and love them, they still continuously harp about how they think they are annoying me or how they aren't good enough. It is fucking annoying and honestly after a while you're like, "fine you ugly self loathing person just leave already."

Jeez!

I think the book glorifies women feeling inadequate. Bottom line. You don't have to be pompous and egotistical, but you should love yourself enough to know why someone else would also.


Lastly, though I don't know the dark depths of the licentious lifestyle of BDSM, I do know that Fifty Shades only touches on it briefly. It gives a misleading idea about the lifestyle and I think readers will wrongfully identify with it. To me it does not seem right to romanticize BDSM when the nature of it is pleasure in pain. Let me clarify that I do not disagree with the lifestyle or the choices, but I read the book particularly because I saw a page that said fisting and butt plug on it and unfortunately it was found nowhere else in the book. I find it to be a faulty account of the culture, and that's all.


Overall, the female leads that self loathe and seek validation from a man makes me disgruntled and disheartened. What happened to our femme fatales? Also, painting a picture of leather and whips and flowers and hearts is a jigsaw puzzle of controversy (though that is not to say that there isn't love in BDSM because there is, but too many stupid and naive people are going to read this book and then go out and buy japanese silk rope and accidentally asphyxiate themselves while trying to get off).

At the same time I think it is good to unveil this somewhat taboo lifestyle, hopefully enlightening all those close minded people.

In conclusion, I despise the characters mainly because they mirror an old reflection of myself and I would hate for anyone to hate themselves as much as I did at one point in my life.

The end.

something needs to be said.

I'm sorry.

I'm not easy. I've got problems. I think I know what I want, but in reality I am always a little bit unsure. I can be so ridiculous. I can be the biggest headfuck ever. I will change my mind every minute. I will use friendship as leverage. I have the need to control everything. I am immature in most respects.

All this nonsense is me. I am not saying all of this is okay because it is not. It is never okay to treat someone badly, but it happens because we all fuck up and we all don't know how to be good in shitty situations.

But, that is life.

I think we gradually learn how to deal. Some of us are late bloomers in that department, me included.
And you know a day later after everything I always feel better, much better. I feel better because I know I am not the only one who fears being alone. I feel better because the people who love me are honestly the most beautiful people I have ever met. And, lastly, I feel better because I know my life will go on.

You can't plan your life. That's just not how it works. And I wasn't planning all of this to happen, but it did. I was unprepared on how to act. But this is life. This is what life is made out of, the failures and the victories. You just gotta learn from it. That's the hardest part for me, not making the same mistakes over and over again.

I'm sorry. I'm high maintenance, but working on it.

I was livid yesterday, and now a day later I feel differently about it all.

I realized at times I can be a little insane, a little mad, a little uncertain, a bit high maintenance.

I never thought of myself as high maintenance because I don't need or expect any guy to get me gifts n shit.

But, since I AM INCONSISTENT with how I feel, changing from one side of the spectrum to the next in a blink of an eye, I am high maintenance. I am a lot of work in a relationship.

For me to blame others for being inconsistent is me being a hypocrite.

Besides, after you have thrown people from left field to right field to all over, well they tend to be less than willing in all respects.

It is like I am mad because someone doesn't like me at this moment when I like them, but, a month ago they liked me and I was questioning it all.

See. Hypocrite.

I understand where I went wrong, the insane pattern I put myself and men through. Though, there are still some things I don't understand,but I suppose if people aren't willing to explain then it doesn't much matter.

I want to believe that the people I care about still care about me, but sometimes you just don't know. I am trying to be okay with it, well, I am starting from today forth to be okay with it. I admit I am hurt and I wish I wasn't my crazy self, but hopefully next time it will be different for me and whomever.

You can only hope for progress and for change in yourself.

This repetitive pattern I use on guys to control and manipulate our relationship is going to stop. I am also going to stop objectifying myself with the crude things I say. That subject is a whole other blog post in itself.

So... all in all, when you can't change what happened try changing yourself because you just might be a part of the reason why things didn't work out.

I am mad, no, pissed off.

I'm hesitant to write how I am feeling right now because I don't want to be too personal on this blog (even though I have been in the past). I don't want to directly use this blog to say stuff that I should be saying in person to people, but I feel the need to say something.

I hate inconsistency.

I hate how things can change from good to bad in an instant.

I hate when you want someone to care and they just don't.

I hate not being able to care when people want me most.

I am in these situations and they control my mind, I read into things that may have meaning but probably don't. I am a typical girl with hurt feelings. And I am on the brink of realizing that people who don't care, don't care at all are in my lives taking my precious time, my precious love. I am not going to do it anymore. I am strong. I am worth so much more. And I have told myself all this before over and over, but I never believed it. I believed I was the one who was wrong, I was the fucked one and now at this moment I no longer have that feeling. All I feel is disgust and hate because the inconsistency drives me mad, so mad that I have been able to rip off this blinding guise and see what people are really made of.

If you can't finish something then don't even fucking make the effort to start.

I don't like you, but I do like you, actually I really like you, but I am not going to text you because you haven't texted me first and I don't want to look eager or anything like that.

I don't understand why we have to be coy about feelings, why I have to play hard to get so that you can chase me. That makes no fucking sense. If I like you then I like you, there's no beating around the bush. I hate that men need to chase something to actually want it. I know it is a better view as I run away from you, but really that is no reason to enjoy the whole "I am going to chase what I can't have" idea. You like the challenge of it all? Then go play a god damn video game or something because I am not a toy that can be chased and grabbed by your mutt like jaws.

Everyone wants to feel liked and wanted, so then why do I have to pretend like I don't want to have you take me out to dinner and be in my bed at night in order to get you to reciprocate feelings?

Why don't you want something you can have?

I don't understand. Maybe this is why I am single.

save the drama for...

If we aren't fighting then we are fucking and if we aren't fucking then we are silently seething in the corner.

There was an episode of New Girl where Jess, Zooey Deschanel, breaks up with her cougar sugar daddy Russel because their relationship is too...simple, peaceful, passion-less.

There is a reason why people stay in tumultuous relationships. I believe people like drama.

I mean people can say that they don't like drama, they can say it all they want, but you have to admit it keeps shit interesting.

Now there is a limit, a breaking point to the amount of drama someone can take and well it is very hard finding the balance. All in all Jess broke up with him because there was no drama between them.

Maybe this need for drama fades as we get older and grow wiser. I don't know. Would you want a relationship that was close to perfect day in and day out? No fights, no disagreements, no nothing. The best thing about breaking up is the makeup sex, just think, no being thrown up against a wall by your former boyfriend while he furiously pulls your panties to the side and fucks you silly.

Oye, gimme.

Anywho the point is I am coming to the conclusion that maybe a little drama is called for, not the, "I am going to cheat on my bf purposefully to create drama DRAMA." Or the "I am going to fake a pregnancy drama." More like "my fucking boyfriend can't do the dishes kind of shit."

Maybe I am talking out of my ass and am totally wrong.

But emotional drama always keeps us coming back for more in movies, books, life, etc. It keeps things interesting.

Drama in moderation and maybe not too often.

CODSWALLOP

I've been feeling lost, like a little girl looking for her mom in the grocery store lost. I've been trying to fill voids, trying to run away from my fears, trying to be stagnant. Who the fuck wants to be stagnant? Bacteria grows more so in stagnant water and welp that is just gross. I don't want bacteria coming out of my ears even though biologically or something it already is. Sorry. I feel like I've been denying myself the necessities of life just because I've been scared and or I didn't want to deal.

Bottom line : I am single and it sucks. When I try and get close to someone it just never works. I destroy it before it can start. I get scared. I need comfort always. And most the time I feel lonely. Plus seeing past "lovers" find someone else is always a bit disheartening.

BUT

it's okay.

Why is it okay?

because at this moment I am tired of loving people and not being loved in return. I am tired of people loving me and not being able to return their love.

My gyno spoke some words of wisdom the other day...

You can always get sex, but you can't always have a relationship.

So simple, so true.

You know all I want is for someone to get to know me, love me for who I am, be my friend and stay around for longer than a few months. Sex not included.

And I think tonight I just realized that it is all codswallop in the end. You heard me, CODSWALLOP.

Bottom line 2: I miss people. I miss you and you and you, oh, and especially you.

BUT

my pride is too big.

Bottom Line 3: I've been lying to myself about everything. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

Bottom Line 4: I am scared of a lot of things

BUT

I hope I realize that it is fear that is stopping me from living. I stand in my own way.




So in conclusion, I feel lost, really fucking lost, but I have now realized that I am lost so maybe now I can begin to wander.

life is suffering

Life is suffering. That is a fundamental truth of Buddhism.

I have taken two religions classes and in general religion is very interesting to me. Rest assured that I will not be talking about religion in this post, but you never know it may be a post in the near future :)

Life is suffering, so when things inevitably increase your suffering do you do them or not do them? The obvious answer is no, do not increase your suffering for goodness sake ! For instance in this economy today jobs are hard to come by, therefore, you want to be the best possible candidate for when they do arise, but if you have any visible tattoos like me then you are usually automatically inhibited. That's just the truth. People judge me because of my tattoos, people will not hire me because of my tattoos and that causes suffering especially when I might be just as qualified as the next average joe who's applying.

Life is full of these situations where you have to choose what is best. Life is based on nothing else but choices. The choices we make make us who we are.

The tattoo on my wrist is for the foundation To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). I got it when I first turned 18. Besides the fact that I have always been fascinated with tattoos my wrist tattoo was one that I had thought about for a long while. My tattoo, "Love," on my wrist means the world to me. It reminds me everyday of the love I have in my heart, my past, my scars, the love I have for myself and so much more. I chose to inhibit myself, but at least I took the time to think about it and to weigh the pros and cons. All life is suffering, there is no way getting around it. And yes there are moments of happiness, but of course that is not all the time. Disregard everything else that plays into your happiness because I don't have enough time to go over it in this post nor any post.

My point is weigh the pros and cons and if it is worth it to you, allow yourself to suffer a bit more. But, do not take the stance that since life is suffering then you should do whatever you want and say fuck it cause living life impetuously is a life wasted.

true love.

Blake Snyder talks about 10 movie genres and they're atypical cause they don't fall under the category of romance, comedy, etc. He talks about this genre called Buddy Love and basically movies under this category fulfill the general story concept of this...
2 people have a budding friendship or love connection
something threatens their relationship
and they end up realizing that they need each other
the fact that they need this other person basically freaks them out because you can give up the things you want, but not the things you need.
but in the end they come full circle and realize that though needing someone and not wanting someone is so different, so scary, they would rather need and have that someone than be alone.
I suppose true love is needing someone.
Of course there are exceptions, but I think if your life is not the same without someone, so much that you need them, then it's love. (unless you have an addictive personality bahaha)

Anywho it is just another viewpoint on love from a screenwriter who writes countless love stories. I think it might be true.

she's got too much love

Maybe I come on too strong. Maybe I'll look back and realize that I should've been more cautious. But I can't stop it. I won't. I'm quite happy shamelessly crushing and if I'm too hot then everyone should get out of the damn kitchen. I'm a flame that burns if you play with me too much, yet I'll dance around and warm your soul with my touch. Point being, nothing is in the middle for me. I am either high or low. It is rare that I am peacefully content. Maybe that's my problem, my need to stir the pot. I create my own problems. If I look into the future I know I am going to learn from this, like I learn from everything else, therefore, no experience be wasted.

I've said my peace and am going to stop bullying myself over my feelings (for now at least).

...

Things feel heavy
seeping into the ground
suffocating the atoms
burning off oxygen
weighing me down


My face is starting to crack
cheeks chiseled from smiling
eyes reek of broken happiness
the tears burn a trail for the rest
It leads them to death


And the love lights all fixtures
masking out the darkness
we pretend to be cannibals
feeding off our own toxins
the sickness coats everything


And then we break
the things we pined for dissolve
too much sick to get well
too much hell to find heaven
loneliness wins


Thanks sweet nothings.
Thank you for winning again.

I haven’t been able to differentiate the past repeating itself and the present I’ve lost my sparkle and now it seems as if I’ll never get it back I know this is not true but you can’t always right a wrong All of it feels too good to be real that’s why I question it And then it is really the past being regurgitated before my eyes How do I stop the comparisons? Why can’t the sparkle thrive and thrive till it blossoms? I have this ability to kill it My thoughts, my woes, my everything is like carbon monoxide to the lungs You seize up and forget the fact that you were once breathing All you know is right now you can’t inhale even a breath of life Who will save me? No one will ever save me or you It is all up to me to fix me, to give myself some courage To fix the right that was never wrong To bring back my everlasting sparkle.