Am I there yet?

My biggest problem: Wanting to write, yet not knowing what to write about.


Deciding whether to please my audience or myself.


Wanting to lash out at each imbecile I meet through the words of my blog, yet knowing this is a terrible idea and very wrong.


Wishing I had a pseudonym to use for a new blog


Hoping my writing is interesting to read. Trying to answer the question of why anyone would ready my blog out of the bazillion already out there.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Today is my day

Today is the day, possibly, since I can't remember if the christmas party was yesterday today or tomorrow.

I have been sober for a year. A year. 364 days. Can you imagine? It is like having an itch you can't scratch cause you know if you do your skin will just fall apart cell by cell. It's like handcuffing yourself to a chair, willingly, while snakes parade around your body waiting to bite you. It is this overwhelming feeling of want, of need, of desire. Lust for the bad even though in that moment it feels oh so good. It's is like wearing a blinking sign around your neck that says, "I am out of control. I cannot manage my life. I therefore have to bar myself of bars."

It is incredibly difficult to say "No" when all you want to do is say, "yes."

Do you know what it is like to admit to yourself that you're incapable of managing your disease, your problems, your own sanity?

I don't know. It is hard to accurately describe this weight that you carry around each day as friends and family encourage you to drink. They wave it in your face, never knowing the struggles you have faced. But, that is the way it is. No one is ever going to understand fully because it is a personal situation. This is why you have to be good to yourself and have the courage to say, "No," despite everything they will never understand.

The want to be sober arrived after going to a christmas party with this guy I liked. He is straightedge, and in my eyes, was so cool. My feelings for him at that point were irrevocable. Anywho, we went to this christmas party and I got drunk while of course he stayed sober. I tried to slurp down any drink I could, even if it wasn't mine. I remember taking a martini glass and asking him if it was mine, I drank it regardless of his answer. We went to his house and I was very drunk. I fell asleep in his arms immediately. I woke up not remembering much. How typical. I drove home feeling like such a fucking stupid drunk whore. He stayed sober and was completely himself while I tried to drown my insanity over what we were or weren't with boozes.

He made me want to change. He made me want to be myself. He made me want to be like him. Strong in his conviction.

And, since that party I have been sober. There was a moment where I slipped up and had drinks at a party with this pretentious screenwriter. Needless to say he didn't start talking to me until I had a few drinks in me. Jackass. At least he shelled out his credit card for it.

The reason why I say I have been sober for a year is because that night was just one night, and though I made this promise to myself based on a time frame, it became much more than a number of days. It evolved into this commitment to myself and to no one else. It wasn't about the days. It was about the strength I used during that next day to stay sober.

So here I am. Another day of sobriety under my belt. Has my life changed? Drastically.

No longer am I having sex without the ability to say no. No longer am I physically abusing my boyfriends. No longer am I waking up to vomit on my sheets. No longer am I throwing up on myself during muni rides or having friends carry me home because I am too wasted to walk. No longer am I ruining friendships with my best friends just because I am a drunk idiot who says hurtful things. No longer am I cutting myself, mixing drugs, having severe lows. No longer am I pretending to be happy when I am clearly not.

Sobriety has brought me a brighter world. Not an easy world. But, certainly a world I can bear to live in.

My hope is to continue living soberly for as long as I can, but I find that even harder to imagine as my promise to myself is over and the want to fit in is still extremely overwhelming. I plan on going to AA meetings again and hopefully meeting more sober people. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but at least today I am sober.

Believe in me. This road is tough. One day at a time.

meep

Well compared to my last few post I am not crying as much which is good.

Anywho I wanted to write this post so I could get some relief from my worries and thoughts but really all these thoughts are just chilling, they aren't even moving. They aren't bouncing off the walls making me crazy. I just feel numb. The only way to deal with some things is to not care. I might take back that statement later.

So what's bothering me? What's new?

I am using sex to heal my pain instead of alcohol/drugs/self mutilation and I don't give a fuck.

I feel like everything between me and this guy was just an empty lie, and he didn't even know it.

My friend is back in jail and he is treating it like it's nothing, which is really frustrating because why the fuck did I care so much about you when you didn't even care about yourself?

My aunt is crazy and I think suicidal. She doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself. I care, but I don't care.

Things I have learned...

Nothing works out the way you want it to.

Sometimes it is best to walk away and forget everything.

People are shitty and self centered.

The people you are in love with now will not be the people you are in love with in 5 years. If you find someone you still love after many many years then they are the real keepers.

I am bi and am really attracted to I think all of straight edge mankind (yes, that's an over exaggeration but whatever)

I'd rather dream and fuck than deal.

Nobody comes riding in on a white horse to love you and save you. If they do, keep them. Love isn't a fairytale.

I love being sober.

i will for you my love

I am human. I am so flawed. I am difficult.

but I pour so much love into the people in my life that it is easy to get disappointed.

This isn't insanity on my part, it is a series of disheartening events from you.

It is people leaving. People finding someone else. People giving up.

And how am I supposed to stretch out my neck for you anymore? How am I supposed to talk highly of your progress in life when all you do is cut me down?

I don't need to cut myself,

you make me bleed.

hours later with a reprise

I still believe what I said in the earlier post, but don't forget circumstances because if you do then you're screwed.

Cryptic? A bit?

That's okay. Just don't forget what you want nor what you can't have.

the answers to the questions we all ask

What do you do when you're afraid of losing someone, a different someone all over again?

What do you do when you are afraid of letting everyone down, even though you're trying to do what's right for you?

What do you do when you want something so bad, but you know it's toxic?

What do you do?



-once I find some sort of resolution to all these questions I'll let you know, but for now feel free to answer with your own wisdom.

My updated life status: utterly torn and confused.

keep breathing, get help, stay strong

I see many people post on tumblr about wanting to commit suicide. I was there, the same place as they are now, but a while ago. I still get severely depressed, but not suicidal. I understand their pain, but yet I also don't understand their need for death.

I used to understand, but I don't anymore which I suppose is a good thing.

I only wish I could stretch their eyes open, similar to how Alex's eyes are "kept" open in A Clockwork Orange, and show them how beautiful the world is. I know the world is also evil and tragic, but it is also so magnificent and worthwhile.

Duality all over again.

Anywho, for those struggling, just keep breathing, get help, stay strong.

letting go, starting anew, realizing everything you do

My blog became overtly specific, as if I was pointing fingers at all these "anonymous" people. That's why I took a break. I was hiding behind this blog. You couldn't see me, yet I could say anything I wanted to and talk the most shit ever on all of you. Blogs are an outlet but they shouldn't be how you deal with problems. Write to deal, but don't blog to deal. The internet is a nasty place. So then why am I starting this new post? I am going to try and be general and blog about common situations and ideas. Of course every blog post has some truth to it that actually led to it being written, therefore nothing is ever meaningless.

The reason why I have a blog is to blog about things and have people connect with them. For a while no one read this blog and I was merely writing for myself and now a few people read it here and there. I guess my point is that this blog has importance in my life and to totally discard and delete it would be heartbreaking.

Alright, onto the post I came on here to write.


I am not the best at relationships. In fact I have never had a relationship last long enough to even know if I was good at it, but I suppose since they have never lasted long then that answers that! ***<---disclaimer for everything you are about to read***

I have always had this need and want to be admired and loved, and honestly I have no idea where this addiction/obsession came from. I don't have daddy problems and nothing traumatic ever happened to me as a kid. I had a great childhood and a wonderful family. But this compulsion for the need of acceptance has led to all my destructive tendencies. I want people to think I'm cool. I drink. I want to be friends with them. I smoke. I want him to love me. I have sex with him. It's a sad cycle that I've put myself through while trying to find love in all the wrong places.

My biggest problem I think has been sex and using sex to get someone to like me. Any guy will like you if you have sex with him, but once he cums then you're just like every other girl who has put out. A dime a dozen. For some reason I was never taught that sex was sacred. I never really understood what it was like to have a healthy relationship with another man. And I honestly don't know why.

At times I fall back into my old ways and rely on what is comfortable to me, that being sex. I get so anxious about someone actually getting to know me and liking me for who I am that I instead just throw in the towel and say lets have sex and then I will know you like me (not true). And when I do this they leave and I always wonder why. Now that's not the reason why they all leave. But in the past they have gotten exactly what they wanted and found no reason to entertain the idea of US any longer. Sad, but I bring it on myself. If I let someone get to know me without putting sex in the equation and they still left in the end well at least I would know I hadn't wasted something special on another douche bag.

I guess it all comes down to how much someone really likes you, how much they care, how much they want it to work out. Let me tell you, every girl wants you to fight for her, always. If you don't fight it just confirms everything we have been dreading, the fact that you really don't want to be with us. At least this is how I feel. And in the end when everything is said and done, you look back on what happened and you hold on to this single tiny piece of hope that a fucking miracle will happen and suddenly he will want to be with you again. Part of you says it will never happen and then this other part sneaks up on you and says, "maybe, you never know." And, it's true, you never do know, but in this case it is better to just let go.

Letting go fucking sucks. Not texting him. Not calling him. Not kissing him. Not laughing with him. Not going out to dinner with him. Not having crazy adventures with him. Not doing anything with him. It's like he's a ghost, someone that I used to know who no longer lives here anymore(2 lyrics put together... guess those songs!). But, why try and convince someone you're worth it? Why try and tell someone to make time for you? Why try to put effort in when the other person could care less? It's that damn hope again. And hope is good, but in this situation I think it is better to move on, realize that you're fucking wonderful, and that you will definitely find your soulmate, and to have fun whenever you can.

This doesn't mean you need to cut them out of your life (unless he's a creepy ass stalker) but it just means to let go and start being happy again. You shouldn't need someone to make you happy.

Of course you will think of him. Little things will remind you. But, the only good way to deal with those things is to let it cross your mind and then let it leave.

We all have wasted ourselves on someone who didn't love us. Why waste anymore time, energy, love on them?

sad goodbyes

So here I go again. I am at a crossroads, kind of. And you and me are done. Sure we can be friends but don't expect me to go out of my way to say anything because I will make damn sure that I kill all those feelings. Seems severe right? That's what I did with the last one. That's how I was able to get closer to you. I had to make room. And no that's not the healthy way to do it and yes at some point I'll come full circle with you just like I did with him. I can think of him and not feel regret or want. I just feel happy nothingness when I think of him. When I think of you I just feel disappointment. But I am not disappointed in you, only in myself. So, here I am at these crossroads and I will bury you beneath me, you're far enough away that I don't have to think about you and now I can start to distract myself with happier things. Maybe I'll find someone else, maybe I won't. I don't really care. I just don't want to feel like this. Feel like such a failure at these things. And yes I am young but you don't know me or my past and even if you did maybe it wouldn't make a difference. I want happiness, that's all.

for all those who struggle

April the 20th. Such an infamous day. I don't really remember what I was doing last year at this time. I am guessing I was either smoking with my brother or my boys from sttc. Whatever I was doing I am not doing it now. So since late December, a little before Christmas, I have been sober from alcohol and drugs. I have had one slip up where I had two drinks while in Hollywood with friends but other than that I've been clean and sober. I have tried before to be sober and it has never worked. Maybe it's because I am older and wiser or maybe it's not those things at all. Maybe I am sober because I actually want to be. Though it's true that I want to be sober it is also true that I wish I could not be an alcoholic, but I am. And my addiction or craving may not ever go away, and I may never be able to have just one drink, and I may not be sober a year from now. It's not negativity, it's reality. What I do know is that I am sober today and very happy because of it.


You know, I should make a laundry list of all the bad shit that has happened to me while being under the influence... it's honestly amazing how persistent I was with my abuse despite all these situations that put me in danger. It would be a long fucking list.
And I've seen some of my friends, friends who still use and honestly I am glad I am not where they are. One of my friends is now in prison. I need to write him *puts on todo list immediately*. And then there are my other friends, the functioning druggies. I honestly dunno how they do it. But 20 years from now, will they still be functioning? Who can say... maybe and hopefully science by then will be able to cure all the shit that substance abuse causes.

I apologize if it sounds like I am dissing (could not think of a better word than that) my friends but that's not my intention. I am trying to get across that I could've been one of them, but I am glad I am not because I probably wouldn't be alive to even write this.

Now don't get ahead of yourself, I was not a heroin addict(though it did sound appealing at a time). I was just an addict of everything. Addicted to drinking, smoking, cutting, bullying myself, sleeping, drugs, love, control, sex, etc. All these destructive things(yes, love can be very destructive at times) that I thought would make my life better only worsened it. And to top it off I was mixing. Mixing all of these things just made my fucking head spin. My prescribed pills, my alcohol, my drugs... all together in one melting pot. Jesus christ I was so fucking unstoppable. Only I could stop the pain. That's the hardest part about changing your life around, nobody else can do it for you.

Now this isn't to say I don't have cravings because I do, all the time. In particular it has been cutting. I see these pictures of people with torn up wrists and I drool with want. I am like an obese child at McDonalds. Now that probably doesn't make sense. And maybe another day I'll devote a post to it, but not now. Anywho, I want it bad. So how do I stop it? I don't really know because sometimes I fantasize about it and eventually it leaves my mind or I remind myself how it won't solve my problems. Granted I have not been overtly depressed in a while. Which is good! The pills are working, bravo!!!

I used to get hung up on my pills. I thought they created this fake version of me and that I was fooling people into liking me. At times I still feel that way, but right now I see it as me treating my disease. Yes, there is bullshit science shit that says depression doesn't exist and that's all well and mighty for those people who don't have it but for the ones who do, they know, they understand.

My parents read that stuff all the time. They wanted me off the pills even though they were ok with it at first. Maybe they thought it was teen angst like everyone else did. welp pills is also another post in itself so I'll stop here. Addictions come in many forms, admitting to yourself that you're powerless and need help is the first step.
Stay strong, hope is real. And today I am sober :)

too much to say or just not enough room on the page

I don't even know where to start because all my feelings are bouncing off the sides of my brain like ping pong balls. I warn you that this is going to be a long blog, so if you plan on reading it, sit down and get yourself some popcorn.

This week was incredibly eye opening for me in a lot of ways. I started off the week with a cold creeping up on me and then it suddenly took over and became a sinus infection. But I powered through and did what I had to do... I got my butt up for school, I went to the doctor's office, made it to therapy, wrote a script till 3 am, filmed half of my film production class project and got errands done all the while I coughed up a lung mind you. Sometimes you don't know what you're capable of till you push yourself to the limit. Last semester I would've probably skipped a week because of this damn infection, but since I have found my passion in film it seems much easier to bear the 4 hour classes (though I do like to bitch about it over twitter but honestly deep down I love it).

Quick synopsis on how our filming went today...It was fabulous. It was maybe not the most time efficient and planned out story, but besides my fear that Professor Myers will hate my writing/story I feel good about it. I finally have a voice amongst people. In my last group I felt like half the time I was steamrolled by the guys in my group and now I am arguing my opinion and trying to be strong in a world of criticism. It seemed like everyone was able to collaborate really well which is a big change from all the arguing that went on in my last group. So, if the first project is a flop at least we will have the opportunity to make a better 2nd project. Though it annoys me that one of our group members decided not to be a part of the filming and then asked us to put him in the credits as editor of the video. Yeah Fucking Right. If you can't commit just quit. I don't have time for slackers getting in the way of my dream.


Next topic: True love and therapy. This week in therapy I realized the insane repetition I have been putting myself through... It goes like this: meet a guy, go on a few dates, decide he is the best thing ever, try to move things forward, realize we want different things, fuck him just to keep him around, and then constantly worry about why he doesn't call or like my pictures anymore. I disgust myself, but I am willing to see that I have already come a long way and that the next person I meet I will treat differently.
It is unfortunate that I have let this happen again because now all that remains is tense sexual attraction and broken feelings. Somehow over the years, sex and being sexual has become my "default screen." The only thing I wanted from the last two guys that I dated was develop a connection and be around them and with them. When I knew they were too busy with bigger and better things I offered up the sex card because no guy is going to refuse hanging out with me if I or any other girl offers a hookup. It is a hard reality but somewhere deep in the caverns of my mind I think that playing that card will help me and make things right. It won't, it will only make them worse. Some girls ( or aliens ) can have casual sex, but I cannot. Point is it makes me sad that that was what it came too, that I let it go that far because all I feel like it ever was to them was just sexual tension. I had feelings but the street has to be two sided in love. The last sex I had was one of the best and weirdest sexual experiences ( in a good way ) that I have ever had but it was nothing close to what I wanted. I want to "make love" not fuck. Sometimes our actions don't match our actual truths. So here I am alone, with a uti infection and a sinus infection. HAHAHA jeez but I can't be too sad cause I know I've got better shit to look forward to instead of being sad about silly boys. One thing though... for once it felt perfect, that feeling of the world stopping as you talk with someone and smile back at them, it felt true and pure and totally harmless, it was everything I wanted. And now I am trying to rebuild it, well not that ^ but just the basic foundation of friendship. Though even that seems to be a bit difficult because I don't want to be that clingy girl who gets her hopes up and broken again. I don't want to hope for anything at all.
In a sense I'd rather be alone than fool myself. I am not sure what is going to happen but I am going to try and stay positive about all aspects of my love life future.

This is the most important part out of this whole post. As a writer and an artist I reveal my overdramatic response to the situations and experiences in my life. Just because I write something doesn't mean I believe it or won't change my mind a day later ( no, I am not bipolar ). The way I write is how I see it on the projector screen in my head. It is just like a movie, a projection of reality instead of actual reality. So if you know or date an artist please understand that these posts are merely everything colliding in their head, regurgitated back on paper. If you are ever curious just ask.
One last thing... this is my savior that allows me to tell you all the things I can't seem to speak out loud. I wish things were back at the beginning but as we all know we can't go back in time. I don't know how to be normal with you when I feel like normal for us was completely different from how we feel now. I am sad that I don't know how you feel about all this and that I ask for constant reassurance but I know that it is only because at some point I stopped seeing it in your actions. And maybe you disagree and thought you gave everything you could. Maybe you want to make the argument that you told me everything you were looking for up front. Regardless of all reasons whether right or wrong this is how I feel.
Take it or leave it.

my experience

Last night I went to a double birthday party in Riverside with a girl friend I once knew in high school. We had been pretty close in high school. She was pure and had hope about life. She was able to see past the cruel world we live in and thrive on. In the care ride I realized that she had never changed, if anything she has only become wiser. I had gone to the party with the intention of not drinking or smoking or doing anything for that matter since I have decided to be sober for a year. When we got to the party it was perfect, yet a little nerve racking since I only knew a few people. Once I wished both the birthday boys a, "Happy birthday," I trailed off to get in to the mix of things. Instead of giving you a total play by play I'll sum it up for you. It was a wonderful night with amazing people. These people at the party were people from high school whom I actually loved ( seeing that most of my high school experience was not ideal ). The night was free, good, and pure just like all them. All they wanted was to enjoy the moment. I danced like an idiot ( I have no rhythm whatsoever ), I made dirty sexual jokes, I forced my self to talk to strangers and just engage myself completely in the moment. Oh and I sang with everyone as the music blared through the speakers. I don't sing in front of people ever. It wasn't as easy at the end as everyone was in a fucked up state. I wanted to be there with them on their level but I didn't falter. I honestly wish I could drink and smoke like a normal person, but one is never enough for me. I drink to feel a part of the whole, to feel connected, to feel out going and fun, to control what people think of me. I realized last night that in that kind of setting I have never had as much control as I had last night despite my previous thinking that if I drank I could control people's perception of me, make them think I was cool and fun. But for once I was sober and happy all in one night. It makes me think sobriety is possible for me. Daniel Radcliffe admitted a year or so ago that he had a problem with drinking and I don't know if he is still sober but I watched him on Jimmy Fallon a few nights ago and he seemed so elated just to be alive. I want that. Last night I think I felt that as I was surrounded by these amazing people with no expectations but to have a good night.

In the past, somewhere for me, it all got lost. I started to pretend to be someone else and in the process I lost my self, my identity, my hopes, my goals, my sanity. It sucks, but I sometimes think it is just something everyone goes through. I fucked up and shit happened in my life that I regret but it happens and that was an inferior time compared to who I am right now. I am not saying I am better than everyone else, because, I am not. I am just trying to do what's right for me. I am trying to be happy with the right tools in my tool box.

It was funny because as I was talking to Maureen she was telling me these deep philosophical stories about her life and in particular about a necklace. She stole a necklace from a friend and she at one point thought it gave her courage and made her fearless. One day she lost the necklace and felt less of that aura of confidence she once had. Later she found the necklace and realized that she no longer felt anything at all. I told her that some things lose their meaning over time. We expect these things to be with us forever, to carry us through the good and bad, but unfortunately their time will pass and all we have to rely on is ourselves.

And this morning I was scheduled to meet a friend whom I am trying to repatch things with since we had a major falling out. I was 10 minutes late, but I was there. She wasn't. And it reminds me of Maureen's story about the necklace and how it lost its meaning. The best friend I used to have is no longer there and I only have myself. It is a sad reality to face and I hope one day she comes around, but I won't hold my breath for now. I decided a while ago that life is to short to be mad/hold a grudge against someone no matter what they did to you. It wastes energy and time being mad at someone. The best thing is to forgive and fucking forget because all those negative vibes aren't worth it. For now I am going to search for some compassion for her because right now I have none and I don't like that.
Lastly, Maureen used the word "Blissed out," and I completely love it and am going to try and use it daily.

live fast

Everything is a mere reagent to the product that will affect me later. I want to be happy and complete now, not later. Besides you never know if you will get a later. I feel as if I am putting everything off to the side in order to prepare for later. I like instant gratification. The only instant gratification that I grant myself is sex. And even now I am getting no sex because I've chosen to save that for later. FUCK. Just when I think I have it all figured out life suddenly becomes a complete mess all over again. You know you read those stories of the people who abandon their so called lives and give everything up just to live boundless for instant. They jump on a train with only a 100 bucks and a hope that they will find something more worthwhile in this world compared to the monotony that they experience now. I go to school so that one day I can get a job. I work now to have money for later. I abstain from sex so that I don't go crazy later. I cry now so that I feel rejuvenated later. As you can see there are "nows" but they are only there to produce the laters. I wish I could just fucking throw it all away and just do everything now. Why does there have to be all this prerequisite shit? Oh yeah... that's because that is the way the world works. This procrastination to pleasure is making me feel like I have no life of my own... it is just a life I am trying to make for my FUTURE self instead of my NOW self. I understand that hard work produces rewards and that things don't just pop out of thin air and land on your doorstep ( except for Harry Potter ). But, I am so tired of living this life for someone who isn't even here yet ( the future Me ). I want to make a list of all the things I want to do NOW instead of later. It isn't rushing life, it is running right beside life. Maybe I'll make a list... or maybe I'll just wait till Thursday to talk about all of this in therapy.

Word of The Day: ACCEPTANCE

Therapy day is always a good day. It is the day where everything becomes illuminated. Some therapy days you shed tears, you yell out in anger, you curse profusely, you even might realize that you are in the wrong, but overall it is good because you are growing.

And today was therapy day.

To reflect back on this morning's session I will pretend that I am teaching a particular word of the day to some youngins, like on Sesame Street.

The word of the day is ACCEPTANCE.

Acceptance of one's self, others, the things that go right and the things that go wrong.
(broad spectrum... I know)

I talk a lot about how I want to accept the fact that I might not get into USC's screenwriting program or how I might not get into any colleges at all. But, I then tell myself how I will actually keep following my passion no matter what.

Talk can be cheaper than food at Taco Bell.

I say a lot of things but my actions sometimes fail to follow through.

If perhaps you don't accept that you didn't get into any colleges you might let your life spiral downward into a slump of horse dung with flies and no return.

I don't want that to be me. I won't let that be me.

If someone thinks you're not good enough you have to accept their opinion for what it is, throw it out into the trash and not let it define you.

See, once again I can tell you how to live, but can I show you?

I guess only time will tell if I can accept what fate is to bring.

If you can't get where you want to be... find an alternative route.