i'm back bitches... april fools

I took a break from blogging. I found myself censoring my thoughts and words just for this silly blog of mine. It has been good to be completely "real" with myself in my sketch journal. I'd like to say I am back in action, free as a bird, uncensored like Howard Stern, but that is not the case. I don't know when I will return to this blog.

So why even write this post?

I don't know. I guess I wanted to see my thoughts typed out and appearing on my screen again, imagining someone will read these prolific works called "posts."

Molly wants recognition...this is true.

Anywho. I am not coming back for a while. I still need to work on myself and go back to my roots where the love of writing and writing for self expression first arose. To anyone and everyone who reads this, I ask, "how much do you censor yourself?"

I do it way too much.

Chink.
faggot.
the jewish.
my niggaz.
I love giving head.
Blow me.
anal sex is good.
vibrators.
fat asses.
phat asses.
CUNT face.
bdsm.
my pussy tastes like diet coke.
I lie to please, it pleases me to lie.
rug muncher.
dykez for dayz.
titty twister.
dildo sucking fucktard.
retard.
balls on my face.
anorexic binge slut who eats cum for breakfast.
cutter.
druggie.
heroin.
alcoholic at 20.
spanking with your belt.
BIG cock.
NSFW.
life's beggars.
the colored peoples.
meat curtains.
two in the pink one in the stink.
butt buddies.
gay porn turns me on.
I fucked all your friends.
I fucked your roommate.
bisex sex.
pussy power.
they all smell as one race.
discrimination.
gay beaners.
blanco chica bonita.
puta.
floggers.
latex.
baby condoms.
bukkake.
pornhub low quality finger fucking.
tattoos.


Yup, now I feel better. Phew.

In my life..

I've been browsing through pictures, reliving memories of everything. A lot of SF memories.

I miss jazzy so much. I miss the street lamps in the sunset glowing as I walked to my brother's house on 29th and Judah. I even miss dizzyingly walking and screaming and calling Chris cause I was so high on molly and liquor.

Yes, I was miserable. But, during the moments when I was high on whatever I could find, god fucking damn I was surely on top of the world. Nothing could stop me. Except maybe throwing up on myself on the muni (I know, super gross, but living the high life aint always clean).

After a friend breakup, jazzy was my shelter. She comforted me and made me start this new chapter of my life. She was my compatriot, my partner in crime. We fucked shit up and were beautiful while doing it. She also introduced me to Eric. Jedi tail man.

Point being, it hurts yet brings tears of happiness to my eyes to look back on this life style, these memories, the love I left behind, not to mention the pain.

I am not friends with these people. I don't know what they did yesterday or what they're doing now.

It's weird how life changes within a year. Your best friends are no longer even friends. merely strangers.

I will say looking back on these pictures makes me want to drink. Makes me want to be the fun, outgoing, funny, sexy, fun girl at the party all over again (I put fun in there twice! interesting). I still wish that one day I'll be able to control myself, but that day will never come until I accept myself. I am still very at odds with who I am and who I want to be and who I've pretended to be.

I love The Beatles of course. Rubber Soul is my favorite album. "My Life" is on there. The beginning is exactly how I feel

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

So there you go. I miss all these people.

I miss jazmine
I miss Maddy
I miss Dawn
I miss Dani
I miss Rashad a lot
I miss Jenn
I miss Jessica
I miss it all


My life changed in San Francisco. I changed for better or worse. Now, here I am sober and moderately happy.

sometimes I think I'd risk everything to go back to that time when my life was a constant party of crazy fun and memories I'll never forget.

read with sarcasm

Life right now is kind of overwhelmingly shitty.

Now on a positive note, I am completely desperate for kinky sex, actually just any sex.
Sorry, just being honest here.

It is really not attractive, being as desperate as I am, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I mean I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am just looking for a lil dickation.

Yup, dickation {dick vacation}.

And about every guy in the OC sucks a fat cock or knows the last guy I slept with because they met in high school or some bull shit like that. So really I have no expectations, except maybe to get an orgasm.

I mean if I am not using drugs or alcohol I still need something to fill the void, right?

Read this with a sarcastic tone. Then again sarcasm holds truth.

Blah what a week and a half this has been.

If only I could have kinky amazing sex and figure out an amazing feature film idea.

Dancing like the weird mother fucker that I am last night definitely helped me forget about everything, still, this pussy needs a good time.

Alright.

meep

Well compared to my last few post I am not crying as much which is good.

Anywho I wanted to write this post so I could get some relief from my worries and thoughts but really all these thoughts are just chilling, they aren't even moving. They aren't bouncing off the walls making me crazy. I just feel numb. The only way to deal with some things is to not care. I might take back that statement later.

So what's bothering me? What's new?

I am using sex to heal my pain instead of alcohol/drugs/self mutilation and I don't give a fuck.

I feel like everything between me and this guy was just an empty lie, and he didn't even know it.

My friend is back in jail and he is treating it like it's nothing, which is really frustrating because why the fuck did I care so much about you when you didn't even care about yourself?

My aunt is crazy and I think suicidal. She doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself. I care, but I don't care.

Things I have learned...

Nothing works out the way you want it to.

Sometimes it is best to walk away and forget everything.

People are shitty and self centered.

The people you are in love with now will not be the people you are in love with in 5 years. If you find someone you still love after many many years then they are the real keepers.

I am bi and am really attracted to I think all of straight edge mankind (yes, that's an over exaggeration but whatever)

I'd rather dream and fuck than deal.

Nobody comes riding in on a white horse to love you and save you. If they do, keep them. Love isn't a fairytale.

I love being sober.

sobriety

It has almost been a year. I've been sober for almost a year coming this December. I will elaborate more on my experience in December, but there is something I want to say now.

Whether you've been sober for a week or a year or 25 years, time is irrelevant, what matters is the fact that you're trying to change your life.

I am not saying that those who choose the sober life are superior to those who do not choose that path, because some people who don't have a problem with alcohol don't need to change their ways. But, for addicts, deciding to live soberly is the hardest, yet also the greatest first step you take towards changing your life.

That being said, I don't know if I will be sober another year from now, but today I am sober and that is all that matters. One day at a time.


And, honestly the thought of abstaining from alcohol and drugs for the rest of my life is a beautiful prospect that I might want to take on.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

hours later with a reprise

I still believe what I said in the earlier post, but don't forget circumstances because if you do then you're screwed.

Cryptic? A bit?

That's okay. Just don't forget what you want nor what you can't have.

where's my sign? Thank GOD nothing showed up.

"But your soul you must keep, totally free"


If you're burdened by your thoughts.
Waiting for a sign to save you.
Your blood churns in disgust.
If only the world would work out in your favor.
Life is just too hard for the sober minded.
Wasting a life each time the sun rises
Wishing you were dead so you could waste away all time.
Then you'll wake and realize you've been drowning in a disguise.
No one is going to show you any of this.
You must earn it all yourself.
Stop your complaints, don't be happy, I don't care.
Just finish it.
Be armored.
No one can hurt you.
Drink life as if you were forever thirsty.

keep breathing, get help, stay strong

I see many people post on tumblr about wanting to commit suicide. I was there, the same place as they are now, but a while ago. I still get severely depressed, but not suicidal. I understand their pain, but yet I also don't understand their need for death.

I used to understand, but I don't anymore which I suppose is a good thing.

I only wish I could stretch their eyes open, similar to how Alex's eyes are "kept" open in A Clockwork Orange, and show them how beautiful the world is. I know the world is also evil and tragic, but it is also so magnificent and worthwhile.

Duality all over again.

Anywho, for those struggling, just keep breathing, get help, stay strong.

for all those who struggle

April the 20th. Such an infamous day. I don't really remember what I was doing last year at this time. I am guessing I was either smoking with my brother or my boys from sttc. Whatever I was doing I am not doing it now. So since late December, a little before Christmas, I have been sober from alcohol and drugs. I have had one slip up where I had two drinks while in Hollywood with friends but other than that I've been clean and sober. I have tried before to be sober and it has never worked. Maybe it's because I am older and wiser or maybe it's not those things at all. Maybe I am sober because I actually want to be. Though it's true that I want to be sober it is also true that I wish I could not be an alcoholic, but I am. And my addiction or craving may not ever go away, and I may never be able to have just one drink, and I may not be sober a year from now. It's not negativity, it's reality. What I do know is that I am sober today and very happy because of it.


You know, I should make a laundry list of all the bad shit that has happened to me while being under the influence... it's honestly amazing how persistent I was with my abuse despite all these situations that put me in danger. It would be a long fucking list.
And I've seen some of my friends, friends who still use and honestly I am glad I am not where they are. One of my friends is now in prison. I need to write him *puts on todo list immediately*. And then there are my other friends, the functioning druggies. I honestly dunno how they do it. But 20 years from now, will they still be functioning? Who can say... maybe and hopefully science by then will be able to cure all the shit that substance abuse causes.

I apologize if it sounds like I am dissing (could not think of a better word than that) my friends but that's not my intention. I am trying to get across that I could've been one of them, but I am glad I am not because I probably wouldn't be alive to even write this.

Now don't get ahead of yourself, I was not a heroin addict(though it did sound appealing at a time). I was just an addict of everything. Addicted to drinking, smoking, cutting, bullying myself, sleeping, drugs, love, control, sex, etc. All these destructive things(yes, love can be very destructive at times) that I thought would make my life better only worsened it. And to top it off I was mixing. Mixing all of these things just made my fucking head spin. My prescribed pills, my alcohol, my drugs... all together in one melting pot. Jesus christ I was so fucking unstoppable. Only I could stop the pain. That's the hardest part about changing your life around, nobody else can do it for you.

Now this isn't to say I don't have cravings because I do, all the time. In particular it has been cutting. I see these pictures of people with torn up wrists and I drool with want. I am like an obese child at McDonalds. Now that probably doesn't make sense. And maybe another day I'll devote a post to it, but not now. Anywho, I want it bad. So how do I stop it? I don't really know because sometimes I fantasize about it and eventually it leaves my mind or I remind myself how it won't solve my problems. Granted I have not been overtly depressed in a while. Which is good! The pills are working, bravo!!!

I used to get hung up on my pills. I thought they created this fake version of me and that I was fooling people into liking me. At times I still feel that way, but right now I see it as me treating my disease. Yes, there is bullshit science shit that says depression doesn't exist and that's all well and mighty for those people who don't have it but for the ones who do, they know, they understand.

My parents read that stuff all the time. They wanted me off the pills even though they were ok with it at first. Maybe they thought it was teen angst like everyone else did. welp pills is also another post in itself so I'll stop here. Addictions come in many forms, admitting to yourself that you're powerless and need help is the first step.
Stay strong, hope is real. And today I am sober :)

salt in my cuts

I want this all to stop. I don't want anyone to text me or call me or ask me to do things or say I'm pretty or anything. I want to be alone because it all hurts too much. Life is pain. My best friend is on another freaking planet. We don't exist in each other's worlds anymore. And even if she did exist here I wouldn't even know who she was. It hurts so much to see someone you used to love just morph into something so different and cold. Your negativity kills me. I can't be around that even if I wanted to be. Maybe it's drugs or your drinking or maybe it's him, whatever the reason I just wish you would go back to being the best friend I've always had.

And you. You are this person I've always wanted, someone I've been looking for all along and unfortunately you live so far away that none of this even matters. And a long distance relationship isn't possible I know, but I keep pretending it's in the cards for us. And even if we tried I feel like we would still be sad in the end. And a part of me just wants to bury you, like I did him so that I wouldn't have to deal with the harsh realities. I mean this cutesy thing we do over text and skype is so nice but at the end of the day you will be fucking someone else and I'll be waiting for your call. Yes, I am immature like her. I hate wanting what I can't have and instead of dealing with it I'd rather forget it all.

my experience

Last night I went to a double birthday party in Riverside with a girl friend I once knew in high school. We had been pretty close in high school. She was pure and had hope about life. She was able to see past the cruel world we live in and thrive on. In the care ride I realized that she had never changed, if anything she has only become wiser. I had gone to the party with the intention of not drinking or smoking or doing anything for that matter since I have decided to be sober for a year. When we got to the party it was perfect, yet a little nerve racking since I only knew a few people. Once I wished both the birthday boys a, "Happy birthday," I trailed off to get in to the mix of things. Instead of giving you a total play by play I'll sum it up for you. It was a wonderful night with amazing people. These people at the party were people from high school whom I actually loved ( seeing that most of my high school experience was not ideal ). The night was free, good, and pure just like all them. All they wanted was to enjoy the moment. I danced like an idiot ( I have no rhythm whatsoever ), I made dirty sexual jokes, I forced my self to talk to strangers and just engage myself completely in the moment. Oh and I sang with everyone as the music blared through the speakers. I don't sing in front of people ever. It wasn't as easy at the end as everyone was in a fucked up state. I wanted to be there with them on their level but I didn't falter. I honestly wish I could drink and smoke like a normal person, but one is never enough for me. I drink to feel a part of the whole, to feel connected, to feel out going and fun, to control what people think of me. I realized last night that in that kind of setting I have never had as much control as I had last night despite my previous thinking that if I drank I could control people's perception of me, make them think I was cool and fun. But for once I was sober and happy all in one night. It makes me think sobriety is possible for me. Daniel Radcliffe admitted a year or so ago that he had a problem with drinking and I don't know if he is still sober but I watched him on Jimmy Fallon a few nights ago and he seemed so elated just to be alive. I want that. Last night I think I felt that as I was surrounded by these amazing people with no expectations but to have a good night.

In the past, somewhere for me, it all got lost. I started to pretend to be someone else and in the process I lost my self, my identity, my hopes, my goals, my sanity. It sucks, but I sometimes think it is just something everyone goes through. I fucked up and shit happened in my life that I regret but it happens and that was an inferior time compared to who I am right now. I am not saying I am better than everyone else, because, I am not. I am just trying to do what's right for me. I am trying to be happy with the right tools in my tool box.

It was funny because as I was talking to Maureen she was telling me these deep philosophical stories about her life and in particular about a necklace. She stole a necklace from a friend and she at one point thought it gave her courage and made her fearless. One day she lost the necklace and felt less of that aura of confidence she once had. Later she found the necklace and realized that she no longer felt anything at all. I told her that some things lose their meaning over time. We expect these things to be with us forever, to carry us through the good and bad, but unfortunately their time will pass and all we have to rely on is ourselves.

And this morning I was scheduled to meet a friend whom I am trying to repatch things with since we had a major falling out. I was 10 minutes late, but I was there. She wasn't. And it reminds me of Maureen's story about the necklace and how it lost its meaning. The best friend I used to have is no longer there and I only have myself. It is a sad reality to face and I hope one day she comes around, but I won't hold my breath for now. I decided a while ago that life is to short to be mad/hold a grudge against someone no matter what they did to you. It wastes energy and time being mad at someone. The best thing is to forgive and fucking forget because all those negative vibes aren't worth it. For now I am going to search for some compassion for her because right now I have none and I don't like that.
Lastly, Maureen used the word "Blissed out," and I completely love it and am going to try and use it daily.