yolo unicorn

It has taken me a while to come to the place I am now. Today, after a very rigorous and in your face lecture about life from my film 1 teacher, I felt different. Like a new soul breathing again for the first time in a while. He basically reassured all my fears which was good in the sense that now I know what to expect (for the most part). I thought I was alone in my fear of the future.

And yes the fear is still there, but at least now I know that it is just a part of the process.

He talked about how we don't realize that we are pissing away our youth on stupid shit. I completely understand. I have been wasting myself, my mind, my soul on what I thought to be so important. I'm 20. 20 years old and in a sense I have all the time in the world and yet none at all. I want to be happy like I was today, but everyday. I was finally free from my regret, my fears(some of them). I've seriously probably aged myself so much with all the worrying I've done in the past. And I know I am not fixed and that I will have good days and bad, but to not do exactly what you want because you are too afraid is the most horrid mistake of them all.

Looking back on past experiences, jobs, relationships, and friendships, I realize they all served a purpose. It was destiny or fate the way things happened. I don't know how or why, but all these things happened for a reason. It's the circle of life. A cyclic process that breaks us down and then builds us back up (if we use it to our advantage). Life is suffering, and how you deal with the suffering makes you the person you are.

I haven't dealt with things healthily in the past, but the amazing thing about life is that tomorrow is a new day, a new chance.

Do what makes you crumble with fear.

college student life of unhappiness

Well here I am, college student in her dorm room trying to decide if she is happy. Happiness is such a variable term, not meaning one thing in particular. You could b happy with a container of nutella and unlimited bananas or even saving peoples lives all day. Every time I think of the word happy, something different comes to mind, meaning that I possibly don't know what I want. Maybe happiness is more than a state of mind, maybe it's a conceptual place that I can spread my wings and fly to. I guess if you asked me what my life would look like if I was happy then I would answer that to have a happy life and be happy internally I would want... (by the way this is an extreme fantasy image in my head that changes every 7 seconds) to be traveling the world with a moderately nice camera, my mac, a b.s. degree in biology, a huge ipod filled with the most memorable miraculous songs, pursuing an M.D. in the near future, falling in love with every turn around a corner, having friends from all over the world, having the ability to jump on trains with only $5 in my wallet. In a way I believe and have always believed that happiness for me is change. The ability to get up and go change your surroundings is happiness. I once read a quote saying that the person who wants to leave the place they call home is not happy with themselves... or something along those lines. I guess I feel bound by myself, my parents and society. Everything has consequences and life isn't fair. I think I am having trouble realizing that maybe this exact moment is not the time to get up and go on a train to timbuck two or to relinquish all my valuables and live on the streets, I think this is a time to realize that ability to have happiness is around me, even if it's not my ideal form of happiness. I live in one of the most amazing cities in the world and I am talking about leaving it, going to places I don't even know of. Maybe everyone has the dream of getting away, living their life by the seat of their pants. I feel like I am being selfish and ignorant. Why can't I do what I want to do? Yes maybe I can stow away to Europe in someone's suitcase but I could surely study abroad or something. Maybe I need a plan to become happy. Maybe happiness happens on its own. I am not sure, I know I have been happy but never a constant happiness excluding the exception of this summer. So here I am, a college student not writing her final english paper and dreaming about the things that have the possibility to be. I will find a way.