why is it so hot in here?

Life is hard. Why am I back on here? I want to keep moving forward, but here I am sitting on my couch like a lifeless sack of nothing. Is nothing inherently lifeless? I don't know. I am having a mini panic attack in my mind. Another year of school? oh fuck. No tattoos from my tattooer beau? Oh fuck. No more drinking? Oh fuck. I am scared. Scared about the past and scared about the future. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I should've kept with biology and tried desperately to bribe someone to give me a PhD. The only thing that seems sensible right now is masturbating. Masturbating is a mindless activity that solves everything. Well, sort of.

Breathe Molly. I am beginning to get neurotic with nervousness. This post is merely a place to hold my words. I'd be lying if I didn't say that writing is my passion and has always been my saving grace. I hate how inactive in film I am right now. It breaks my heart. I kind of just want to go buy an expensive camera and start creating stupid shit. No fear filming. This is just one of those moments when the past creeps up on you, taps your shoulder and whispers, "Hey, I'm baccccckkkkk!" God damn.

I just want to erase and start over. You can start over, but your past will forever be there waiting to remind you that you've fucked up before and that you can do it again, fuck up, that is.

It suddenly got sweltering hot in this room.

Oh god, pre menopause.

I haven't even sold a script yet. Menopause, wait!

a hard drive

My computer has hardly any space left on it which makes me sad and disgruntled cause this means I am going to have to load a shit ton of shit onto an external hard drive. Shit takes time. Plus, I am always afraid I'll lose the external hard drive (I lose everything at least once, lost my virginity and I never found it! hardy har har) or have some freak accident where somehow the files don't transfer at all and merely disappear into cyber reality {cue twilight zone music}.

This is the least pressing thing on my mind.

I guess I just feel in a weird space right now. I feel lonely, but not in the "where is my significant other way?!?!" It's more like...where the fuck are all my friends?

Two in Arizona.
One in San Diego.
One in L.A. .
One in West Covina.
One in Pasadena.
Many in SF.

It's just like my friends are fucking nowhere. Spread the fuck out. Dots on a map. The friends I have here are awesome, but sometimes I feel burdensome to them. Like a leech suckling on as much friend blood as I can. I never feel burdensome when I am with Erin or Bree. I've known them too long to feel like a burden, mainly cause I know I am annoying/a burden but we are all okay with it. I wish I could make more friends here, but at this age making friends doesn't work like it did in elementary school or even in high school (middle school doesn't count because it was too awkward of a time).

Like, for instance, I meet a cool girl in my ____ class. I leave class, but turn around to say, "hey if you ever want to hangout some time just let me know." It's CREEPY. So instead I just add them on facebook.

I don't know. I've never been good at making friends which is odd because I believe it to be such a natural and easy thing. Maybe people just don't like me? Now I'm being over dramatic.

Anywho, so I'm lonely and I am on this new tirade about being single, young, and horny. Like I feel very open to the idea of hooking up with multiple people in one night. If anything it reminds me of my old ways, the past Molly, looking for herself in others.

I don't know. It's weird to feel this way since I've always secretly wanted an undying lovey dovey relationship. This feeling of being wild and free feels like a sham. Underneath I am about to turn into crazy lady and grasp on to you because I've decided you are "the one."

The most eloquent way I can put my sexual history and heartbreak without naming names (but stayed tuned cause somehow I always let things slip) is from one of my very very favorite movies. 2 Days in Paris.

Julie Delpy's character relives her past relationships with these words:

"Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses. "

Jesus Christ that's beautiful.

She is another one of my idols.

Anywho. bottom line. I need to load up my hard drive.

today is a day for tears.

I was upset today. The morning started off great as I drove my neighbor to her 5th grade writing summer class and then it snowballed to a shit show from there. I became angry, frustrated and fed up.

It was one of those moments where you just want to cut the strings to all the "bad" things in your life. I kept telling myself I was done trying and that anything was really nothing and that everything was in no way salvageable.

I cried a lot today. I cried driving to therapy. I cried in therapy. I cried driving home from therapy. I cried while watching Intervention. I cried a few minutes ago.

My head hurts from holding back as many tears as I could.

I don't like to seem as if I am affected by the going-ons in my life. I like to seem strong and impervious to pain.

And as I opened old wounds today I realized I was hardening my heart to everything just so that I wouldn't feel pain or disappointment.

I ended up opening my heart in therapy, feeling the sting of built up hatred and anger. I let myself feel it. That's why I cried, the tears were my pain being released. My sobs were my voice becoming clearer and forgiving.

I'm not fixed and I am a work in progress, and today I took a baby step by relinquishing myself to the painful truth of reality.

I said goodbye to my best friend. I wished her well and told her I loved her.

And, maybe it is not goodbye, maybe our paths will reconvene at some point. It's all I can wish for. She has to take her own journey as I must take mine, but love never dies and neither do the memories I have had with her.

It's funny you know, these days when I feel broken and dilapidated I get reassurance that I am loved and that there is hope.

I received a letter from my friend Jared who is currently incarcerated and he told me a very inspiring story that made me tear up because it was so beautiful. I'll ask him if I can share it, in fact it might be on the internet.

Anywho, I wanted to say that everything isn't fixable
some things end because it's fate
if you really love someone the love never dies
the little things hurt but aren't the end of the world
and there is always a silver lining.

Also, don't be afraid to cry.

M.

I've breached this subject before, but I am doing it again because this blog is for me, to express my thoughts to you, to help me deal.

I never thought I'd be looking back asking myself how I lost my best friend. Yes, things have changed, we both have changed, grown and receded. I remember thinking in high school that this girl was my best friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my friend who I could sing Disney songs with at the top of my lungs. I thought even with life's curveballs we would always be friends, forever.

Now, I look at her pictures on facebook and hear things about her through mutual friends and I say to myself, "I don't know this person." It's a hard thing to believe you know a person only to find out they are or have chosen to be nothing like what they were. Some people improve for the best, but I honestly don't know if I can say that about her. Then again maybe it's not my place to judge her good or bad, maybe growth doesn't have a dual conscience. Maybe I am wrong and I am the one who failed. I don't know.

I'd like to think she's happy. In her pictures she looks happy, but looks can be deceiving. I just don't understand how one person can be a certain way all their life and then suddenly, with a flip of a switch, be the complete opposite. Are they pretending now or have they been pretending up until this point? Maybe we are just too different to get along now.

I don't have the answers, but it makes me sad to live my life without her.

The simple solution would be to become friends again after our falling out, but I don't want to be friends with the new her, I want my old best friend back.

the answers to the questions we all ask

What do you do when you're afraid of losing someone, a different someone all over again?

What do you do when you are afraid of letting everyone down, even though you're trying to do what's right for you?

What do you do when you want something so bad, but you know it's toxic?

What do you do?



-once I find some sort of resolution to all these questions I'll let you know, but for now feel free to answer with your own wisdom.

My updated life status: utterly torn and confused.