What My Depression Feels Like

I wish I knew how to explain depression, my depression. Whenever I think of putting it into words all these cliches run to the front of my mind. I have a feeling I won't say it right the first time around, maybe after a few tries I will have gone a bit deeper. 

Oh, off topic, but, after looking at some past journals stowed away in my old room I have realized that when I used to write as a teenager I was more honest, even cruel with myself. I was a straight shooter. And maybe that is because I was so depressed, I don't know. Lastly, it seems, according to my journals, that I've always wanted to be a writer and tell stories. 

My depression. My depression is like a veil, a scrim, going over my eyes, blocking out sunlight, distorting how I see the world. The color drains from everything around me and all I see is a dull and hopeless surrounding dying before me. Nothing has happiness, everything is there because it is, it has no purpose. I go through the day interacting with so many people and things, and yet they all feel grey, colorless, empty, foreign things that don't speak my language. I am alone and the world is lonely. Everything tainted with a dark shadow. 

The cruelest part is that when I'm there in those moments of despair, when everything around me is part of a daily strum with no direction, it is in these moments that I am blinded by my own illness. I can't even realize and or understand what my mind is doing. To me it's not a trick, it's my reality. In that state of mind I am not cognitive enough to see that it's my depression making everything gray and bleak, and rather the world is truly not that way. I can't even tell I'm depressed. To me, it's normal. It feels as if I am on a track, spurring along with no decided direction, rather something is pulling me and propelling my body to whatever is next in the game called, "life," but I do it mindlessly, but not with ease, without motivation or hope. I do it because I know nothing else than this repetitious behavior. 

I just wish I could emphasize more how my mind does not work properly, or how it plays tricks on me, or how everything feels like a silent movie with me on a conveyor belt going through the motions because that's all I've ever known. Being depressed and in that moment not knowing that it is your mind telling you to put the lighted fire closer to your skin is the most frightening and bewildering thing I think I have experienced. It's like being mind raped while you are immobile and petrified. 

During that second when I think about burning myself never do I have the second thought of, "this is my depression talking." It's taken over my sanity. "I should not burn myself not just because it is wrong, but rather because I am in an altered state of mind that does not match what I feel in my soul." I don't trust my mind. In fact I don't even know if I can call it my friend. It frightens me and tricks me as if I'm a fool. No, it's my depression. I am smart, not only with my mind, but with my heart. You might be able to pull the wool over my eyes, and whisper my fatal and upcoming tragedies in my ear, but you cannot take the essence of me, the thing that survives the rubble every time you push me off that god damn cliff. 

I hate you. I hate that you make me think I am nothing. I hate that you make death seem like a peaceful slumber awaiting me in the distance. Just past those trees you will find your happiness. The trees are crowding the good. There's good in there amongst the dark and the only way to find it is through. It's hard, and I hope your mind never wins that battle where it takes you and leaves just a memory of who you wanted to be. Keep going. 

The light pervades. 

What the future holds...some prose

Before I start I'll say, "This is me processing my feelings. No, for now, I will not kill myself."

Each day I walk in
the doorman says, "Hello"
I smile and pretend
telling myself to be happy
act like you are happy,
even though you are not
engage with people
say, "Good morning"
and, again, don't forget to smile
when they look away you can stop
drop it all and go back to your sadness
but whenever someone looks your way
"play it again, Sam."
because you can't let them see it
sucking the life out of you
drowning you to the deep bottom of nothingness
how every day is torture
being there, where they don't want you
dreaming of somewhere else
a place where you can take the next step
but, instead you are here
and every bit of me says, "Be grateful."
good money, nice people, still in the industry
I am screaming, but I am silent
"Get me out of here."
These times, dying feels like heaven
my worries would be out the door
and the anxiety would cease
I'd be dead and silent
in peace
away from adulthood
away from responsibilities
all of you try to help me
but a part of me is willing to leave it all behind
just to get some quiet
because I don't want to be tormented
torn in different directions
pushed one way or another
when I am trying my best to move forward
yet no one will give me a chance
they see through me, my desperation
and I am not good enough
or something else that disqualifies me
so, I think, death would be the alternative
and my will to kill is so little that it won't happen
for now
but, maybe in a year
who knows the landscape of my mind
once again digging for happiness
and coming up with dirty hands
no rubies or jewels
nothing
then you say, "I want to be nothing."
this weight is too great
I can not handle another day
struggling to get by
pulling out my teeth
asking, "Do I look happy now?"
a fool amongst the foolhardy
yet no one kills themselves
it's just me
forever depressed
constantly a mess
no way to move forward
stuck where I am
anxiety ridden
a villain conquered at the end
goodbye to dreams
hello to peace
awaiting me on the other side of
what's good and what's not good enough 

Am I there yet?

My biggest problem: Wanting to write, yet not knowing what to write about.


Deciding whether to please my audience or myself.


Wanting to lash out at each imbecile I meet through the words of my blog, yet knowing this is a terrible idea and very wrong.


Wishing I had a pseudonym to use for a new blog


Hoping my writing is interesting to read. Trying to answer the question of why anyone would ready my blog out of the bazillion already out there.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

The Benefits of Death

It's a funny thing to think about. The benefits of death. Huh?


People die. It's the circle of life. Your mom will die, your dad will die, your best friend will die even you will die. Whether it is someone close to you or maybe a celebrity you watch every week on TV, the death of someone you feel connected to can break your heart.


After hearing about the death of Cory Monteith, the "Glee" TV star who plays Finn Hudson, I immediately felt heavy with depression. Shock came over me. Why him? Why now? Thirty one years lived and yet gone within such a short time as I hear the news from a friend over breakfast.


I am an avid glee watcher, from the beginning pilot to this past season. It is hard to accept that he won't be a part of the show anymore. He will never walk on this earth anymore.


So, as I sank into a deep and dark place I began to think about my dear "Uncle Bob" who also recently passed away very unexpectedly. I asked the same questions. Why him? Why now? I was still unable to come up with justified answers. Naturally, I teared up, feeling as if the world didn't understand my pain. Everyone is so happy, yet I am still grieving.


After talking with my mom, shedding some tears for their lost souls, I was able to see the benefits of death.


I can look at all the people who have passed away and see their beautiful qualities they once bestowed on this world. I look to them on how to act, how to be. I can learn from them. Remember them whilst I trudge through this so called life. I will never forget my grandpa; Bob, Cory Monteith, and all the other deceased souls. I will cherish what they taught me. I will reap the benefits of their deaths, because once a life ends another one begins, and the ones we have lost forever will guide our hearts as best they can.


I grieve, but I can still see the footprints they left behind.

Son Of a Bitch Everything's Real...-Gary Busey

I am resistant to write on here, mainly because I feel I have no place on the internet anymore except for the occasional tweet and my obnoxious facebook statuses. My blog seems like a part of the past, yet for some reason here I am revisiting it. I suppose the main thing I wanted to say is that I am welcoming back sobriety with open arms. I won't say I had a relapse into the big boiling pot of alcoholic concoctions that are sickly sweet, but I made a direct decision to start drinking again. It all started with that one amazing concert. The moment just seemed to fit. I have been drinking ever since. No horrid repercussions have resulted from my last stint of drinking, but that isn't to say it didn't make me feel different, because it did. I was using alcohol to numb feelings. I was using it to have fun. Looking back, after talking with a friend of mine, I see that the path of sobriety gave me a purpose, a motivating drive everyday. I felt healthy and like I was beating the biggest feat of my life everyday which is just dealing and experiencing reality. Alcohol is fun and quick. I don't deny these things, but I think today I will be sober.

As Gary Busey says... S.O.B.E.R. = Son Of a Bitch Everything's Real

So, cheers to today as a sober Molly.

are you getting WELLbutrin?

I feel like this post will either be extremely boring or somewhat educational.

I have depression. I take medication. I go to therapy. It has been like this since I was 15.

{go ahead and judge}

Anywho, I recently decided to cut ties with the guy who gives me drugs. Please note he is a licensed professional and not a thug (reading this 2nd time and is not that funny, I apologize). I made this decision because I was tired of him trying to add more drugs to my already full cocktail of wellbutrin,lexapro,lamictal.

It may sound like a lot to you. 3 pills?! They're milligrams. Relax.

So, long story short I say goodbye to old psychiatrist and say hello to a new one. He suggests that I up my wellbutrin which I was definitely okay with. I have a solid plateau of meds, I don't need to add more, lets just ya know rearrange them.

3 days of 300 mg of wellbutrin instead of 150.

HOLY FUCK.

It is as if I am a new woman. I am fucking happy and elated and excited and motivated. I couldn't help but smile the other day. I find more reasons to talk to people and I keep making weird sort of funny jokes. My attitude has changed. All I feel is happy.

Besides some side effects such as extremely dry mouth, I am also a bit more... twitchy, ocd, hyper, excited.

It's hard to explain, but imagine a cat who one day picks up a frisbee, throws it, wants to go on walks, jumps through hoops and just never stops. That's how drastic the change is. I am a crazy cat instead of a lazy cat.

PLUS, I am no longer lethargic. I woke up at 9 am this morning. 9 am! People who know me would be shocked. Typically I sleep till 1 or 2pm.

Why am I writing this? Because I feel like this is a sham. Are people always this happy? Is this what I've been missing out on?

And...
What is the price you pay for happiness. I am not talking dollar signs. It's more like, though I am happy, I am sort of/have become overtly hyper.

You may say this isn't a bad thing. It's a great thing. I feel the same way. But I am gaining happiness while also gaining shakes, twitches and sometimes racing heartbeat. It freaks me out a bit.

Wellbutrin in particular affects the dopamine neurotransmitter, therefore, this might indicate that I am/was dopamine deficient.

I am of course going to talk to my new doctor about all this, but I thought it would an interesting read for people with depression who take this and or other medications.

Just some thoughts. I have never been this happy before. It's odd.

a hard drive

My computer has hardly any space left on it which makes me sad and disgruntled cause this means I am going to have to load a shit ton of shit onto an external hard drive. Shit takes time. Plus, I am always afraid I'll lose the external hard drive (I lose everything at least once, lost my virginity and I never found it! hardy har har) or have some freak accident where somehow the files don't transfer at all and merely disappear into cyber reality {cue twilight zone music}.

This is the least pressing thing on my mind.

I guess I just feel in a weird space right now. I feel lonely, but not in the "where is my significant other way?!?!" It's more like...where the fuck are all my friends?

Two in Arizona.
One in San Diego.
One in L.A. .
One in West Covina.
One in Pasadena.
Many in SF.

It's just like my friends are fucking nowhere. Spread the fuck out. Dots on a map. The friends I have here are awesome, but sometimes I feel burdensome to them. Like a leech suckling on as much friend blood as I can. I never feel burdensome when I am with Erin or Bree. I've known them too long to feel like a burden, mainly cause I know I am annoying/a burden but we are all okay with it. I wish I could make more friends here, but at this age making friends doesn't work like it did in elementary school or even in high school (middle school doesn't count because it was too awkward of a time).

Like, for instance, I meet a cool girl in my ____ class. I leave class, but turn around to say, "hey if you ever want to hangout some time just let me know." It's CREEPY. So instead I just add them on facebook.

I don't know. I've never been good at making friends which is odd because I believe it to be such a natural and easy thing. Maybe people just don't like me? Now I'm being over dramatic.

Anywho, so I'm lonely and I am on this new tirade about being single, young, and horny. Like I feel very open to the idea of hooking up with multiple people in one night. If anything it reminds me of my old ways, the past Molly, looking for herself in others.

I don't know. It's weird to feel this way since I've always secretly wanted an undying lovey dovey relationship. This feeling of being wild and free feels like a sham. Underneath I am about to turn into crazy lady and grasp on to you because I've decided you are "the one."

The most eloquent way I can put my sexual history and heartbreak without naming names (but stayed tuned cause somehow I always let things slip) is from one of my very very favorite movies. 2 Days in Paris.

Julie Delpy's character relives her past relationships with these words:

"Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses. "

Jesus Christ that's beautiful.

She is another one of my idols.

Anywho. bottom line. I need to load up my hard drive.

read with sarcasm

Life right now is kind of overwhelmingly shitty.

Now on a positive note, I am completely desperate for kinky sex, actually just any sex.
Sorry, just being honest here.

It is really not attractive, being as desperate as I am, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I mean I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am just looking for a lil dickation.

Yup, dickation {dick vacation}.

And about every guy in the OC sucks a fat cock or knows the last guy I slept with because they met in high school or some bull shit like that. So really I have no expectations, except maybe to get an orgasm.

I mean if I am not using drugs or alcohol I still need something to fill the void, right?

Read this with a sarcastic tone. Then again sarcasm holds truth.

Blah what a week and a half this has been.

If only I could have kinky amazing sex and figure out an amazing feature film idea.

Dancing like the weird mother fucker that I am last night definitely helped me forget about everything, still, this pussy needs a good time.

Alright.

pure nonsensical whims

My blog is so basic and boring. It annoys me. Except I remember when blogspot/blogger changed formats and so I converted my blog to the new format, but it looked fucking hideous so that is why I stuck with the basic boring blog I have now. Ugh.

I have a feeling this post will be pure nonsense.

So I had my first class today, the language of film. It seems semi interesting, but sometimes I wish I would've just stuck to being a bio major even though I was failing all my classes. Screenwriting is scary. I keep envisioning myself as the tortured writer working at Starbucks till my body becomes ash and eventually mixes with the coffee grounds. I wasn't good enough for Chapman, only Fullerton. I am no Lena Dunham or anyone else severely talented. I am just Molly, who likes to write.

I don't know. I feel pretty alone right now, but in the good healthy way(this is what I asked for by being single). It is quite alright being lonely, but a lil part of it sucks. Yet, I feel so free. Free from obligations to others. All I've got to worry about is myself. I need to write more.

My friend from Saddleback who is in my language of film class is actually a viking, kind of. He dresses in all this crazy garb that I love and I respect him so much for being who he wants to be. He loves metal, has long hair, plays with swords, makes his own mead, wears leather arm band thingys, has crafted fur on his tattered jean sleeveless jacket. He is so positively weird. I would do anything just to feel content with myself enough to not give a rat's ass about what people think of me.

The whole stripping thing has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been tossing and turning, biting my nails and losing sleep over the mere idea of stripping. I decided I am going to do it. I am going to find an amateur night and try it out. I am not going to commit to a job or anything, at least not at first. I haven't been able to find an amateur night in the OC but I am hoping some LA clubs will have a night during the week.

Honestly I felt so depressed because I kept thinking that I was the problem and that these yearnings of mine were sinful. As Macklemore & Ryan Lewis song Same Love says, "A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are." That's exactly how I felt.

So I am going to do it rather than hate myself for just thinking about it.

Here is the link to amazing song, quoted from above.

http://youtu.be/hlVBg7_08n0

Where am I?

Thing have been really good, pretty weird, kind of low at times and really stressful. It hasn't been good, it hasn't been bad. And at this moment I feel empty, like some switch has turned me off, darkened to the point where everything inside and out is this black hole. I can't see where I am going and I can't see what's coming for me.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to have to try a new pill cocktail.

I feel so confused about my feelings for people.

It's fine, it really is. I just feel kind of lost in my own head.

I am going to make a list of things I need to do in order to change things around, unfortunately all these things I will be doing probably won't have any effect on deciding where to put my feelings.

breathe molly.

meep

Well compared to my last few post I am not crying as much which is good.

Anywho I wanted to write this post so I could get some relief from my worries and thoughts but really all these thoughts are just chilling, they aren't even moving. They aren't bouncing off the walls making me crazy. I just feel numb. The only way to deal with some things is to not care. I might take back that statement later.

So what's bothering me? What's new?

I am using sex to heal my pain instead of alcohol/drugs/self mutilation and I don't give a fuck.

I feel like everything between me and this guy was just an empty lie, and he didn't even know it.

My friend is back in jail and he is treating it like it's nothing, which is really frustrating because why the fuck did I care so much about you when you didn't even care about yourself?

My aunt is crazy and I think suicidal. She doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself. I care, but I don't care.

Things I have learned...

Nothing works out the way you want it to.

Sometimes it is best to walk away and forget everything.

People are shitty and self centered.

The people you are in love with now will not be the people you are in love with in 5 years. If you find someone you still love after many many years then they are the real keepers.

I am bi and am really attracted to I think all of straight edge mankind (yes, that's an over exaggeration but whatever)

I'd rather dream and fuck than deal.

Nobody comes riding in on a white horse to love you and save you. If they do, keep them. Love isn't a fairytale.

I love being sober.

i will for you my love

I am human. I am so flawed. I am difficult.

but I pour so much love into the people in my life that it is easy to get disappointed.

This isn't insanity on my part, it is a series of disheartening events from you.

It is people leaving. People finding someone else. People giving up.

And how am I supposed to stretch out my neck for you anymore? How am I supposed to talk highly of your progress in life when all you do is cut me down?

I don't need to cut myself,

you make me bleed.

sigh

I am so tired of crying.

Crying cause I am sad. Crying cause I am happy. Wild Rivers on my eyes.

I don't have a lot to say or much direction after everything that has gone down this weekend.

I feel like I am waiting or just stagnant, but not stagnant in a bad way. If we keep arguing and trying to fix things and break things and then fix them all over again does that mean something? Is that better than throwing in the towel? I honestly thought it would be easy or better to walk away. And 24 hours later I felt like wolverine's claw had ripped through my insides. It was bleeding and I couldn't stop it. Leaking, soaking, tainting the rest like a toxic substance that killed by the touch. I couldn't deal. And then I tried to go back, and then KABOOM.

I feel wrong for trying to set the fire, but when you said it, it was as if you wanted me to be with someone else, to already have other relations going on with people. So I went for it. I regret. It was stupid, I was stupid. One of those girlish moments where you feel so self righteous that someone deserves pain on your behalf.

I will say, no matter how fucked this is, it was nice to hear you mad. I was waiting for you to fight, to say you didn't want me with anyone else no matter how selfish that is. The anger in your voice excited me, made me laugh, made me cringe, made me want to try and fight you. It is one of those sadistic things. Also, my love of drama. Though, I will say that it frightened me and I never want to see you that mad in person.

But in the end we talked. There was no conclusion, but I am glad we talked. I believe you will always be there. I don't think you know but that's a trait I've always thought I possessed. My friends could call me, friends I don't talk to and I would help them and listen. I guess I keep hoping that someone will do the same for me.

It's hard to have these solid people in your life walk away and change. I can't even remember how many times this has happened whether it be with friends or just guys. It's hard to shake that feeling that no one will stay.

I'll try and relax and not expect anything. It's the least I can do.

tears build my path

Sometimes it is the last straw. Sometimes you can't take anymore. Sometimes you have to take a step back, turn around and walk away. You have broken off every piece of yourself and tried to reconstruct this image of what you want, who you hope to be and then this wrecking ball swings in and destroys everything you have built.

This rubble just lays there, staring back at you. Was it all a mistake? A waste of time? Is this the right path?

I guess I don't have the answers, but I know it is not the time to give up. Yes, I am giving in, accepting what is, but I am not looking back. I am going to do what I want to do, be around the people who want to love me and never look back.

I might shed a tear and need some people to hold me up, but I'd rather fall and get up then fall and give up.

today is a day for tears.

I was upset today. The morning started off great as I drove my neighbor to her 5th grade writing summer class and then it snowballed to a shit show from there. I became angry, frustrated and fed up.

It was one of those moments where you just want to cut the strings to all the "bad" things in your life. I kept telling myself I was done trying and that anything was really nothing and that everything was in no way salvageable.

I cried a lot today. I cried driving to therapy. I cried in therapy. I cried driving home from therapy. I cried while watching Intervention. I cried a few minutes ago.

My head hurts from holding back as many tears as I could.

I don't like to seem as if I am affected by the going-ons in my life. I like to seem strong and impervious to pain.

And as I opened old wounds today I realized I was hardening my heart to everything just so that I wouldn't feel pain or disappointment.

I ended up opening my heart in therapy, feeling the sting of built up hatred and anger. I let myself feel it. That's why I cried, the tears were my pain being released. My sobs were my voice becoming clearer and forgiving.

I'm not fixed and I am a work in progress, and today I took a baby step by relinquishing myself to the painful truth of reality.

I said goodbye to my best friend. I wished her well and told her I loved her.

And, maybe it is not goodbye, maybe our paths will reconvene at some point. It's all I can wish for. She has to take her own journey as I must take mine, but love never dies and neither do the memories I have had with her.

It's funny you know, these days when I feel broken and dilapidated I get reassurance that I am loved and that there is hope.

I received a letter from my friend Jared who is currently incarcerated and he told me a very inspiring story that made me tear up because it was so beautiful. I'll ask him if I can share it, in fact it might be on the internet.

Anywho, I wanted to say that everything isn't fixable
some things end because it's fate
if you really love someone the love never dies
the little things hurt but aren't the end of the world
and there is always a silver lining.

Also, don't be afraid to cry.

hours later with a reprise

I still believe what I said in the earlier post, but don't forget circumstances because if you do then you're screwed.

Cryptic? A bit?

That's okay. Just don't forget what you want nor what you can't have.

the answers to the questions we all ask

What do you do when you're afraid of losing someone, a different someone all over again?

What do you do when you are afraid of letting everyone down, even though you're trying to do what's right for you?

What do you do when you want something so bad, but you know it's toxic?

What do you do?



-once I find some sort of resolution to all these questions I'll let you know, but for now feel free to answer with your own wisdom.

My updated life status: utterly torn and confused.

"Hope? I heard that girl is a bitch."

Do you ever have so much hope that it turns out to be a bad thing?

Well I do. I have too much hope in things that hold no promise whether it be lifestyle choices, men, my job, etc. When am I going to start living my life and leave all these things behind?

I invest so much of my hope in the past because I think it holds my future.

The truth is that all that matters is the present. This moment. Now.

My catharsis starts now.

But, one last question. Am I still holding on because of hope or because there's still something worthwhile in these things?

I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no.
I am honestly probably the worst person to judge a situation like that.

I guess I can't wait forever for things to change.

Time to move on.
Goodbye Hope.

keep breathing, get help, stay strong

I see many people post on tumblr about wanting to commit suicide. I was there, the same place as they are now, but a while ago. I still get severely depressed, but not suicidal. I understand their pain, but yet I also don't understand their need for death.

I used to understand, but I don't anymore which I suppose is a good thing.

I only wish I could stretch their eyes open, similar to how Alex's eyes are "kept" open in A Clockwork Orange, and show them how beautiful the world is. I know the world is also evil and tragic, but it is also so magnificent and worthwhile.

Duality all over again.

Anywho, for those struggling, just keep breathing, get help, stay strong.

CODSWALLOP

I've been feeling lost, like a little girl looking for her mom in the grocery store lost. I've been trying to fill voids, trying to run away from my fears, trying to be stagnant. Who the fuck wants to be stagnant? Bacteria grows more so in stagnant water and welp that is just gross. I don't want bacteria coming out of my ears even though biologically or something it already is. Sorry. I feel like I've been denying myself the necessities of life just because I've been scared and or I didn't want to deal.

Bottom line : I am single and it sucks. When I try and get close to someone it just never works. I destroy it before it can start. I get scared. I need comfort always. And most the time I feel lonely. Plus seeing past "lovers" find someone else is always a bit disheartening.

BUT

it's okay.

Why is it okay?

because at this moment I am tired of loving people and not being loved in return. I am tired of people loving me and not being able to return their love.

My gyno spoke some words of wisdom the other day...

You can always get sex, but you can't always have a relationship.

So simple, so true.

You know all I want is for someone to get to know me, love me for who I am, be my friend and stay around for longer than a few months. Sex not included.

And I think tonight I just realized that it is all codswallop in the end. You heard me, CODSWALLOP.

Bottom line 2: I miss people. I miss you and you and you, oh, and especially you.

BUT

my pride is too big.

Bottom Line 3: I've been lying to myself about everything. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

Bottom Line 4: I am scared of a lot of things

BUT

I hope I realize that it is fear that is stopping me from living. I stand in my own way.




So in conclusion, I feel lost, really fucking lost, but I have now realized that I am lost so maybe now I can begin to wander.