Italia!

Check out my new blog, all about my current monthly stay in Florence, Italy!

why is it so hot in here?

Life is hard. Why am I back on here? I want to keep moving forward, but here I am sitting on my couch like a lifeless sack of nothing. Is nothing inherently lifeless? I don't know. I am having a mini panic attack in my mind. Another year of school? oh fuck. No tattoos from my tattooer beau? Oh fuck. No more drinking? Oh fuck. I am scared. Scared about the past and scared about the future. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I should've kept with biology and tried desperately to bribe someone to give me a PhD. The only thing that seems sensible right now is masturbating. Masturbating is a mindless activity that solves everything. Well, sort of.

Breathe Molly. I am beginning to get neurotic with nervousness. This post is merely a place to hold my words. I'd be lying if I didn't say that writing is my passion and has always been my saving grace. I hate how inactive in film I am right now. It breaks my heart. I kind of just want to go buy an expensive camera and start creating stupid shit. No fear filming. This is just one of those moments when the past creeps up on you, taps your shoulder and whispers, "Hey, I'm baccccckkkkk!" God damn.

I just want to erase and start over. You can start over, but your past will forever be there waiting to remind you that you've fucked up before and that you can do it again, fuck up, that is.

It suddenly got sweltering hot in this room.

Oh god, pre menopause.

I haven't even sold a script yet. Menopause, wait!

a hard drive

My computer has hardly any space left on it which makes me sad and disgruntled cause this means I am going to have to load a shit ton of shit onto an external hard drive. Shit takes time. Plus, I am always afraid I'll lose the external hard drive (I lose everything at least once, lost my virginity and I never found it! hardy har har) or have some freak accident where somehow the files don't transfer at all and merely disappear into cyber reality {cue twilight zone music}.

This is the least pressing thing on my mind.

I guess I just feel in a weird space right now. I feel lonely, but not in the "where is my significant other way?!?!" It's more like...where the fuck are all my friends?

Two in Arizona.
One in San Diego.
One in L.A. .
One in West Covina.
One in Pasadena.
Many in SF.

It's just like my friends are fucking nowhere. Spread the fuck out. Dots on a map. The friends I have here are awesome, but sometimes I feel burdensome to them. Like a leech suckling on as much friend blood as I can. I never feel burdensome when I am with Erin or Bree. I've known them too long to feel like a burden, mainly cause I know I am annoying/a burden but we are all okay with it. I wish I could make more friends here, but at this age making friends doesn't work like it did in elementary school or even in high school (middle school doesn't count because it was too awkward of a time).

Like, for instance, I meet a cool girl in my ____ class. I leave class, but turn around to say, "hey if you ever want to hangout some time just let me know." It's CREEPY. So instead I just add them on facebook.

I don't know. I've never been good at making friends which is odd because I believe it to be such a natural and easy thing. Maybe people just don't like me? Now I'm being over dramatic.

Anywho, so I'm lonely and I am on this new tirade about being single, young, and horny. Like I feel very open to the idea of hooking up with multiple people in one night. If anything it reminds me of my old ways, the past Molly, looking for herself in others.

I don't know. It's weird to feel this way since I've always secretly wanted an undying lovey dovey relationship. This feeling of being wild and free feels like a sham. Underneath I am about to turn into crazy lady and grasp on to you because I've decided you are "the one."

The most eloquent way I can put my sexual history and heartbreak without naming names (but stayed tuned cause somehow I always let things slip) is from one of my very very favorite movies. 2 Days in Paris.

Julie Delpy's character relives her past relationships with these words:

"Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses. "

Jesus Christ that's beautiful.

She is another one of my idols.

Anywho. bottom line. I need to load up my hard drive.

the answers to the questions we all ask

What do you do when you're afraid of losing someone, a different someone all over again?

What do you do when you are afraid of letting everyone down, even though you're trying to do what's right for you?

What do you do when you want something so bad, but you know it's toxic?

What do you do?



-once I find some sort of resolution to all these questions I'll let you know, but for now feel free to answer with your own wisdom.

My updated life status: utterly torn and confused.

yolo unicorn

It has taken me a while to come to the place I am now. Today, after a very rigorous and in your face lecture about life from my film 1 teacher, I felt different. Like a new soul breathing again for the first time in a while. He basically reassured all my fears which was good in the sense that now I know what to expect (for the most part). I thought I was alone in my fear of the future.

And yes the fear is still there, but at least now I know that it is just a part of the process.

He talked about how we don't realize that we are pissing away our youth on stupid shit. I completely understand. I have been wasting myself, my mind, my soul on what I thought to be so important. I'm 20. 20 years old and in a sense I have all the time in the world and yet none at all. I want to be happy like I was today, but everyday. I was finally free from my regret, my fears(some of them). I've seriously probably aged myself so much with all the worrying I've done in the past. And I know I am not fixed and that I will have good days and bad, but to not do exactly what you want because you are too afraid is the most horrid mistake of them all.

Looking back on past experiences, jobs, relationships, and friendships, I realize they all served a purpose. It was destiny or fate the way things happened. I don't know how or why, but all these things happened for a reason. It's the circle of life. A cyclic process that breaks us down and then builds us back up (if we use it to our advantage). Life is suffering, and how you deal with the suffering makes you the person you are.

I haven't dealt with things healthily in the past, but the amazing thing about life is that tomorrow is a new day, a new chance.

Do what makes you crumble with fear.

college student life of unhappiness

Well here I am, college student in her dorm room trying to decide if she is happy. Happiness is such a variable term, not meaning one thing in particular. You could b happy with a container of nutella and unlimited bananas or even saving peoples lives all day. Every time I think of the word happy, something different comes to mind, meaning that I possibly don't know what I want. Maybe happiness is more than a state of mind, maybe it's a conceptual place that I can spread my wings and fly to. I guess if you asked me what my life would look like if I was happy then I would answer that to have a happy life and be happy internally I would want... (by the way this is an extreme fantasy image in my head that changes every 7 seconds) to be traveling the world with a moderately nice camera, my mac, a b.s. degree in biology, a huge ipod filled with the most memorable miraculous songs, pursuing an M.D. in the near future, falling in love with every turn around a corner, having friends from all over the world, having the ability to jump on trains with only $5 in my wallet. In a way I believe and have always believed that happiness for me is change. The ability to get up and go change your surroundings is happiness. I once read a quote saying that the person who wants to leave the place they call home is not happy with themselves... or something along those lines. I guess I feel bound by myself, my parents and society. Everything has consequences and life isn't fair. I think I am having trouble realizing that maybe this exact moment is not the time to get up and go on a train to timbuck two or to relinquish all my valuables and live on the streets, I think this is a time to realize that ability to have happiness is around me, even if it's not my ideal form of happiness. I live in one of the most amazing cities in the world and I am talking about leaving it, going to places I don't even know of. Maybe everyone has the dream of getting away, living their life by the seat of their pants. I feel like I am being selfish and ignorant. Why can't I do what I want to do? Yes maybe I can stow away to Europe in someone's suitcase but I could surely study abroad or something. Maybe I need a plan to become happy. Maybe happiness happens on its own. I am not sure, I know I have been happy but never a constant happiness excluding the exception of this summer. So here I am, a college student not writing her final english paper and dreaming about the things that have the possibility to be. I will find a way.