LA PASSION DE JEANNE D' ARC

I had to watch LA PASSION DE JEANNE D' ARC also known as The Passion of Joan of Arc by Carl Theodor Dreyer for one of my film classes. The film was released in 1928 and has since gone through a tumultuous life. In the beginning credits of the film it says how the original footage was lost in a fire as well as the second negative copy. Then in 1981 an original Danish copy of the film was found in a closet in a Norweigan Mental Institution (wtf?). Go figure. Anywho, I am very glad it was found! Not only was this movie unusual and interesting, it also evoked some sort of feeling from within. Maybe regret or introspection?

Regardless of the emotion, the 114 minute film was really just one long day. The whole movie is the sequence of events leading up to Joan of Arc's death. The movie starts from the point where she is in front of a judge to the end when she is burned at the stake(sorry, I just ruined it). Typically I would've expected for the movie to start with her engaging in acts that would lead her to be before the judges, but no, the whole movie was just an endless tug of war in one location. It was like one long scene.

So, let me give you a rundown of the plot. Joan of Arc is being accused of heresy because she believes that she was sent by God to rid France of the English. It also seemed to me that in the film the judges had a problem with her dressing like a man. Needless to say Joan of Arc was relentless. She never relinquished her true beliefs that she was the chosen one. The judges went as far as to say that she was being led by the devil in her acts. Yet, in the movie we see the judges falsify a document in order to make her revoke her original statement. Plus, they want to burn her at the stake! Who is really being led by the devil?

Anywho, I, myself have battled and played my own tug of war with my belief in God. I've been an atheist then agnostic then spiritual and now back to agnostic. Some may say "who cares", but my lack of belief in God, especially in high school had earned me distrust from others. I had a boy tell me multiple times that I was going to hell because I did not believe in God. I was ganged up on and somewhat coerced into going to church with friends. My dad is Jewish and my mom is Christian, but I never grew up with the stories of God. For a while I knew nothing about either religion. It didn't matter because I believed in evolution.

Now how this all relates to the film...
Well Joan of Arc was persecuted for her somewhat different beliefs, yet she still held in common with the judges and other commoners her belief in God. But they burned her. Burned her flesh to ash because it did not correspond with their exact idealogies of God's will. I believe there is a lot of hypocrisy in religion, not to mention, unlawful killing in the name of religion. Many times I have seen people preaching on SFSU and CSUF campus and I have mocked them and considered them ridiculous. I hate them. I do not need to be saved. You professing the word of God in a public place is certainly your inherent right, but something about it makes my skin crawl. I don't need someone to tell me what is real and what isn't. What is God and what is the devil. But, as I watched this film I said to myself, "maybe I am no better than those judges, laughing at Joan in her convictions, her passions, her everything." I also turned it around and said what if it is the world laughing at me for my lack of beliefs. Whichever way it is, I felt a passion I have never known for the adement believers. Who am I to judge them and who are they to judge me? I still don't agree with the whole preaching on campus thing, but I suppose I have a new respect for people who are concrete in their faith. I mean there is always a double edged sword. Look at the people who are so deep in their faith that they attach bombs to their chests, murdering senselessly.

I don't know if there is an answer to all the thoughts and questions, but I have a new respect for people who believe in what they want to despite what others say. Of course there is a limit to this and I still don't want you to tell me about God unless I ask you, but still. I found the film heartbreaking and enlightening.

I suggest it very much so. Don't be turned off by Joan's over exaggerated stares.

It is free to watch on Vimeo

here is the link... http://vimeo.com/25035903

a hard drive

My computer has hardly any space left on it which makes me sad and disgruntled cause this means I am going to have to load a shit ton of shit onto an external hard drive. Shit takes time. Plus, I am always afraid I'll lose the external hard drive (I lose everything at least once, lost my virginity and I never found it! hardy har har) or have some freak accident where somehow the files don't transfer at all and merely disappear into cyber reality {cue twilight zone music}.

This is the least pressing thing on my mind.

I guess I just feel in a weird space right now. I feel lonely, but not in the "where is my significant other way?!?!" It's more like...where the fuck are all my friends?

Two in Arizona.
One in San Diego.
One in L.A. .
One in West Covina.
One in Pasadena.
Many in SF.

It's just like my friends are fucking nowhere. Spread the fuck out. Dots on a map. The friends I have here are awesome, but sometimes I feel burdensome to them. Like a leech suckling on as much friend blood as I can. I never feel burdensome when I am with Erin or Bree. I've known them too long to feel like a burden, mainly cause I know I am annoying/a burden but we are all okay with it. I wish I could make more friends here, but at this age making friends doesn't work like it did in elementary school or even in high school (middle school doesn't count because it was too awkward of a time).

Like, for instance, I meet a cool girl in my ____ class. I leave class, but turn around to say, "hey if you ever want to hangout some time just let me know." It's CREEPY. So instead I just add them on facebook.

I don't know. I've never been good at making friends which is odd because I believe it to be such a natural and easy thing. Maybe people just don't like me? Now I'm being over dramatic.

Anywho, so I'm lonely and I am on this new tirade about being single, young, and horny. Like I feel very open to the idea of hooking up with multiple people in one night. If anything it reminds me of my old ways, the past Molly, looking for herself in others.

I don't know. It's weird to feel this way since I've always secretly wanted an undying lovey dovey relationship. This feeling of being wild and free feels like a sham. Underneath I am about to turn into crazy lady and grasp on to you because I've decided you are "the one."

The most eloquent way I can put my sexual history and heartbreak without naming names (but stayed tuned cause somehow I always let things slip) is from one of my very very favorite movies. 2 Days in Paris.

Julie Delpy's character relives her past relationships with these words:

"Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses. "

Jesus Christ that's beautiful.

She is another one of my idols.

Anywho. bottom line. I need to load up my hard drive.

pure nonsensical whims

My blog is so basic and boring. It annoys me. Except I remember when blogspot/blogger changed formats and so I converted my blog to the new format, but it looked fucking hideous so that is why I stuck with the basic boring blog I have now. Ugh.

I have a feeling this post will be pure nonsense.

So I had my first class today, the language of film. It seems semi interesting, but sometimes I wish I would've just stuck to being a bio major even though I was failing all my classes. Screenwriting is scary. I keep envisioning myself as the tortured writer working at Starbucks till my body becomes ash and eventually mixes with the coffee grounds. I wasn't good enough for Chapman, only Fullerton. I am no Lena Dunham or anyone else severely talented. I am just Molly, who likes to write.

I don't know. I feel pretty alone right now, but in the good healthy way(this is what I asked for by being single). It is quite alright being lonely, but a lil part of it sucks. Yet, I feel so free. Free from obligations to others. All I've got to worry about is myself. I need to write more.

My friend from Saddleback who is in my language of film class is actually a viking, kind of. He dresses in all this crazy garb that I love and I respect him so much for being who he wants to be. He loves metal, has long hair, plays with swords, makes his own mead, wears leather arm band thingys, has crafted fur on his tattered jean sleeveless jacket. He is so positively weird. I would do anything just to feel content with myself enough to not give a rat's ass about what people think of me.

The whole stripping thing has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been tossing and turning, biting my nails and losing sleep over the mere idea of stripping. I decided I am going to do it. I am going to find an amateur night and try it out. I am not going to commit to a job or anything, at least not at first. I haven't been able to find an amateur night in the OC but I am hoping some LA clubs will have a night during the week.

Honestly I felt so depressed because I kept thinking that I was the problem and that these yearnings of mine were sinful. As Macklemore & Ryan Lewis song Same Love says, "A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are." That's exactly how I felt.

So I am going to do it rather than hate myself for just thinking about it.

Here is the link to amazing song, quoted from above.

http://youtu.be/hlVBg7_08n0

tears build my path

Sometimes it is the last straw. Sometimes you can't take anymore. Sometimes you have to take a step back, turn around and walk away. You have broken off every piece of yourself and tried to reconstruct this image of what you want, who you hope to be and then this wrecking ball swings in and destroys everything you have built.

This rubble just lays there, staring back at you. Was it all a mistake? A waste of time? Is this the right path?

I guess I don't have the answers, but I know it is not the time to give up. Yes, I am giving in, accepting what is, but I am not looking back. I am going to do what I want to do, be around the people who want to love me and never look back.

I might shed a tear and need some people to hold me up, but I'd rather fall and get up then fall and give up.