What the future holds...some prose

Before I start I'll say, "This is me processing my feelings. No, for now, I will not kill myself."

Each day I walk in
the doorman says, "Hello"
I smile and pretend
telling myself to be happy
act like you are happy,
even though you are not
engage with people
say, "Good morning"
and, again, don't forget to smile
when they look away you can stop
drop it all and go back to your sadness
but whenever someone looks your way
"play it again, Sam."
because you can't let them see it
sucking the life out of you
drowning you to the deep bottom of nothingness
how every day is torture
being there, where they don't want you
dreaming of somewhere else
a place where you can take the next step
but, instead you are here
and every bit of me says, "Be grateful."
good money, nice people, still in the industry
I am screaming, but I am silent
"Get me out of here."
These times, dying feels like heaven
my worries would be out the door
and the anxiety would cease
I'd be dead and silent
in peace
away from adulthood
away from responsibilities
all of you try to help me
but a part of me is willing to leave it all behind
just to get some quiet
because I don't want to be tormented
torn in different directions
pushed one way or another
when I am trying my best to move forward
yet no one will give me a chance
they see through me, my desperation
and I am not good enough
or something else that disqualifies me
so, I think, death would be the alternative
and my will to kill is so little that it won't happen
for now
but, maybe in a year
who knows the landscape of my mind
once again digging for happiness
and coming up with dirty hands
no rubies or jewels
nothing
then you say, "I want to be nothing."
this weight is too great
I can not handle another day
struggling to get by
pulling out my teeth
asking, "Do I look happy now?"
a fool amongst the foolhardy
yet no one kills themselves
it's just me
forever depressed
constantly a mess
no way to move forward
stuck where I am
anxiety ridden
a villain conquered at the end
goodbye to dreams
hello to peace
awaiting me on the other side of
what's good and what's not good enough 

"Yeah Bitch!"

Being comfortable is comfortable, obviously. So, why relinquish the static habitual bliss ? Same is good, but more often than not I find that change is better. Therefore, to grow you have to move and stretch like the ever reaching branches of a tree. I have yet to see a tree have down turned branches.

You must move forward, mix it up, do it differently, or whatever it may be. In order to get a different outcome you must choose different actions. So, here I go into a slice of adulthood that holds my hopes of a future. It may be terrible or totally grand, it's an experience none the less, and that is priceless.

My point is don't be afraid of being uncomfortable.

The other day as I hung in a rock climbing harness that looked like a diaper climbing halfway up my ass while it squeezed my bloated stomach out of the cover of my shirt, I struggled to find the right route to take without falling backwards into the void of loserville. People at the rec center could see me from all angles, pretty or not. Despite all of these grand perks, it was extremely thrilling to be scared. To be vulnerable. To be at the hands of another person's ability to belay me.

I somehow climbed to the top of the rock wall and squeezed that ridiculous bike horn. Yes, I looked like a demented spider with its legs turned backwards, but I did it. I conquered the fear, or took a bite of it and spit it out like a badass. As Jesse Pinkman would say, "Yeah bitch!"

Make life your bitch, not the other way around. Ya dig?