Heroine

Sometimes I think it would be fun to still be the villain, and also the victim of my own clandestine self destruction. How can someone play both parts at once? I don't know how I did it for so long. I would viciously tear myself down and build myself back up with a foundation as shaky as my confidence and much smaller than my self loathing habits. I never understood the self depreciating Isabella Swan or Anastasia Steele (who are basically the same character). Always thinking they are less than what they're supposed to be or could be. I hated seeing a woman yank herself out of the game because of some convoluted notion of not being good enough. I despised it because I was the same way. All I had done and everything I believed I was brought me pain and a faulty perception of what I one day could or could not be. I'd say,"why would you let him do that" or, "you're so fucking dumb, you can't even keep up" or, "I am weird. I am wrong." Some variation of self hatred.


I let my villainous self massacre me. I was the victim to my own crime. How twisted and bizarre of a time it was when death seemed like an answer because reality was my hell.


Now, here I am 6 years later and a heroine to my own story, my own life. As a heroine and warrior I know the battle is never over, things will come and go, heartbreak and tragedy will ensue, but also that the light I keep in my heart will somehow prevail. Instead of hiding and shrieking for a bottle of beer to solve life's calamities I am now tensing up and waiting for the hit, packed with armor and a sword all welded with my bare hands. Life may annihilate all I have but I'm still the heroine, holding myself up, looking towards tomorrow instead of the past. Life is a bitch, but it is far more pleasant when you are the heroine of your own story, instead of prey to your own folly. Don't believe what they tell you about not reaching these invisible standards. You are your own worst enemy and your best supporter. Do yourself a favor and give up on being helpless. Simply be your own heroine.

Worth the Space

Love changes you. Unconditional love from another person (family members don't count) gives you self worth. Of course some are built with this worth already streaming through their blood (we sometimes call them, "pompous assholes"), but there are others out there who only see the flaws. I would love to admit that with my own mind and eyes I saw my self worth, but that isn't true. It has taken a lot to even build up my feeling of specialness, especially when it was constantly being shat on by myself and everyone else. Well, not everyone, but you get the point.


Anywho, it wasn't until I met someone very special and dear to my heart that I saw what he saw, the amazing me. It's corny to say aloud, let alone write it on my blog, but it is true. I see that I am so much better than my distant want to be a stripper or the fantasy of being a Playboy centerfold. I see the respect he gives me and I now expect that from everyone else and rightfully so.


I experienced something recently where I was disrespected as a woman and a person. I smiled and just laughed it off, but it wasn't until later that I realized how disgusting and contemptuous their actions were. See, I am still learning. I still have to check myself and say, "Hey, are you really okay with that?" or "Why is it okay for him to say that to you?" I won't go on my feminist rant just yet, but the resolution is that you as a person are worthy of so much more. Allow yourself to be respected and cherished for your amazing and unique qualities. Relish in compliments as if they were chocolate and a free spa treatment because they are. Compliments, praise and respect should give you value. Most of the time we deny ourselves of these things because we don't believe we deserve it, but let me tell you, WE DO.