day 2...12/29/11

Take off that face

you are fooling no one

I know you best

and hate what you have become

a snake in the shadows

charming with your hiss

evil creates hate

hate demoralizes bliss

get off your pedestal

no one is buying your act

forgive and fuckin forget

somewhere deep down is my best friend

wish I could find her

end the pretending and come back

day 1

it plays back like an epitaph

a reminder of children past

gluing it all together

the reasons why the future is far from near

ticking ticking the moon changes phases

the night burns brightly in their eyes

which way is up?

still you hold to the ground

angels sing till glass crunches beneath the feet of hopefuls

dead men tell no tails of the sea

mere myths of what it could be

swallow these stepping stones

grasp the sun and lasso it till earth bleeds

my hands become lava that never solidifies even in this endless night

I burn brighter than Sirius

we bark in mayhem at the glimmer

take take the pieces of the lip of my vows

pour into the soul that lives

not mine

not yours

it does not exist.


I plan to write everyday... this is day 1, December 29th, 2011.

I don't know what to do like always

I honestly have no clue what to do. This decision is not the end of the world or even the end of my days but it matters to me and that is why it is weighing on me so heavily. My plan didn't work out but it didn't work out badly per say just differently than I expected. I originally thought, "Okay, I'll wait till he is ready." And now I think, "What if he is never ready?" I respect his choice of wanting to take it slow. I don't think he is a douche, an asshole, full of shit or just another guy leading me on. But, at the same time I don't know what to call him. Originally when he said being with me was far from his mind, I thought that it didn't matter and that all that did matter was how he made me feel. I failed to take in to account how I would feel 7 months from now possibly sitting next to him but not being with him. My idea to ask him out wasn't foolish, if anything it cleared up a lot of things for me. I have already learned a few things. I know no one can give me the answer but I just wish I had someone to help me figure this out because for 3 years I haven't felt this way and it would be a waste if I gave up now, right? Lets say in some parallel universe I was him and him me, and I told him I wanted to wait and didn't know if I'd ever be ready or let alone ready for him. And, lets say he liked me so much that he said he would wait. That seems admirable but also caustic. A part of me says "Don't wait." Another part says, "Wait because he is worth it." Then the other part says, "Yes, he is worth it but he may never realize you're worth it." And, then the other part of me says, "it isn't a matter of worth because both of you are undoubtedly worth each other, but rather it depends on something else which you can't figure out yet." This is a big deal to me because I have been waiting so long to feel this way and now I am either going to have to wait longer without the security of a win or leave like I always try and do. I don't want to leave but maybe it is what is best for me. The melodramatic part of me wants to leave and never look back. The conscious and sane part of me says suck it up and just be friends. Usually during writing I am able to figure out a solution to the madness in my head but now all I have is a clenched throat and a heavy, overburdened, too sensitive heart. I think I'd be waiting forever but maybe it is wrong of me to say that. I don't know :'( I think I need to pin point what is most important to me.

have heart or fuckin forget it

I am tired of waiting. I have waited for a while to feel this way about someone and I am done waiting for the commitment or the go ahead. Instead, I am going to do it myself because they always tell you to follow your heart and well my heart says, "Go". I have been saying recently that the heart not be intellectual because love is not a practical nor a structured thing composed by the mind but rather something composed with the heart. I realize it might scare the crap out of him. I realize he may hate it. I realize he may say no or that he isn't ready. I realize all this but I don't mind the risk because for once I will be able to recover from what could be tragedy. I have built up some protection and optimism that there will be another if he isn't the right one. Of course I hope he is the right one and that he says yes but all I can do is hope for the best. I am tired of wasting time not being with him. For a while I was telling myself that a title doesn't matter but I reconsidered and decided it actually does. Why? It matters because whether you're committing to another in a budding relationship or a life engagement, you are proposing in front of everyone how much you care and that you're somewhat bound to this other person. People say that the title doesn't matter because they know how much that person cares and that's all that they need. That is great and all but I want to commit myself fully to someone in every way possible because they mean that much to me. This sounds like a wedding proposal. Fuck no, it is not. I just want someone to be my boyfriend, be mine. Sue me for being a hopeless romantic. And another thing... I was talking to a friend and he said maybe I shouldn't post my blog on tumblr and twitter. This sparked my thinking of why I post it at all in the first place. I couldn't really answer that question because I told myself that the blog was just for me. I write for me and me only but the reason why I began this blog was to connect with people. Now I don't have mass followers or a million new comments everyday but according to my page views someone is reading my writing. I don't know who is reading it but it doesn't matter just as long as someone is and that someone either feels connected to my writing or it makes them think a bit more about life. So that's why I will keep posting this whether I have one person read it this whole month or 200 people. One is just enough for me. One last thing. You can ask people for advice on what to do but in the end it is your decision and your own advice that you need to take. Only you know you best, so stick with your gut even if in the end you're wrong.

Untitled for a reason

I am afraid. I am afraid of a lot of things. I am afraid of... 1.being compared to others and not being enough even though I know I have great qualities to offer. 2.it not being reciprocated. 3.putting all my feelings in one basket. 4.feeling too much. 5.being the person who cares more. 6.not being able to make people understand "why", even though it shouldn't matter if they get it or not. 7.having shallow sex. 8.people reading this and not understanding it, so instead they make up their own assumptions. (the risk you take with a blog) 9.telling people that I have failed, again. 10.having all these fears destroy everything. 11.being too sensitive. 12.not being best friends. 13.being lead on and then not realizing it. 14.the truth being too much. 15.being too afraid to enjoy anything. So why does this all matter? I think a lot of people including myself have fears that we don't confront because if we do run at them head on we have the risk of not conquering them at all. Some say that to try and face your fears is enough...I think this is true. Anywho, I wanted to write about the fear of feelings. If you're like me then everything and every emotion is like a cascade of water from the Hoover Dam that sometimes demolishes you. Lately, my feelings have been haywire. My feelings have been happy, infatuatious, jovial and all that other good crap. Unfortunately, this upbeat feeling is very unnatural to me and because I am always on the edge waiting for the leaning tower of feelings to fall. Why am I lucky? Am I so lucky that it is destined to not work out? Is it too good to be true? I am afraid of the end...the end of my days living under my parents constant advice and support, the end of my life as a kid, the end of my relationships, even the end of my life on Earth. It is as if I can't enjoy the moment for what it is because I am too stuck on looking forward and preparing for what could be devastation. I have been trying to work on this though. That's what I try and do most, prepare and control. Being in control doesn't always work out for the best either. Nature is natural, it has no specific agenda but to be. I want to be like nature. I don't want to think about anything but the now. Second topic I have been fretting over is shallow sex. As I have said in past blogs my life for a while was all about sex and when I was going to get my next high(sex was kind of a high/addiction too). I mean my sexual tendencies arose for a lot of reasons but one of them is because I thought I needed it. When you are addicted to something you think you have to have it or life won't be good or you won't be able to function. All you need is water,air,food and love. I thought that sex equaled love. I needed people to love me because I didn't love myself. I think back to my old relationships and see that my truest relationship led to a breakup that sucked so much because I thought I needed him. I thought no one will want me for who I am but him. I was very wrong, but it took me a while to figure it out. With this new endeavor I have been taking on I have been comparing it to some of my past flings and relationships and it is completely different. I think a big reason it is so different is because I don't need him and he doesn't need me. I just want him. When you need people and they leave you, you are left with what feels like nothing because you have invested so much want into that one thing or person and now it is gone. Yes I would still be a bit disheartened if things ended despite me only wanting him instead of needing him but that's because I care. I always care the most for some reason. And I swear I am getting to how this all relates to shallow sex...basically I have been thinking about what is going on between me and this guy and last night I thought, "Why haven't we had sex yet?""Does he not want to have sex with me?" And, because of my past habits I thought that the way he would show me he liked me was by having sex. I quickly shook myself free of this idea and said to myself, "you is fucking cray gurl!" Just kidding, I didn't say that at first but I should've! I mean regardless of whether he likes me enough to eventually start a relationships is irrelevant because what I realized is that I was gauging our "like" on sex. Some people don't have sex till marriage, so I guess that means they don't love each other till their wedding night, right? Yeah... this idea of sex equaling love does not make any fucking sense. People care/love someone before sex...sex is just an added experience that just makes love more awesome. Point is, is that I am tired of shallow sex. The next time I have sex I want it to mean something more than someone sticking their American sausage in my english McMuffin. :)

I haven’t been able to differentiate the past repeating itself and the present I’ve lost my sparkle and now it seems as if I’ll never get it back I know this is not true but you can’t always right a wrong All of it feels too good to be real that’s why I question it And then it is really the past being regurgitated before my eyes How do I stop the comparisons? Why can’t the sparkle thrive and thrive till it blossoms? I have this ability to kill it My thoughts, my woes, my everything is like carbon monoxide to the lungs You seize up and forget the fact that you were once breathing All you know is right now you can’t inhale even a breath of life Who will save me? No one will ever save me or you It is all up to me to fix me, to give myself some courage To fix the right that was never wrong To bring back my everlasting sparkle.

live fast

Everything is a mere reagent to the product that will affect me later. I want to be happy and complete now, not later. Besides you never know if you will get a later. I feel as if I am putting everything off to the side in order to prepare for later. I like instant gratification. The only instant gratification that I grant myself is sex. And even now I am getting no sex because I've chosen to save that for later. FUCK. Just when I think I have it all figured out life suddenly becomes a complete mess all over again. You know you read those stories of the people who abandon their so called lives and give everything up just to live boundless for instant. They jump on a train with only a 100 bucks and a hope that they will find something more worthwhile in this world compared to the monotony that they experience now. I go to school so that one day I can get a job. I work now to have money for later. I abstain from sex so that I don't go crazy later. I cry now so that I feel rejuvenated later. As you can see there are "nows" but they are only there to produce the laters. I wish I could just fucking throw it all away and just do everything now. Why does there have to be all this prerequisite shit? Oh yeah... that's because that is the way the world works. This procrastination to pleasure is making me feel like I have no life of my own... it is just a life I am trying to make for my FUTURE self instead of my NOW self. I understand that hard work produces rewards and that things don't just pop out of thin air and land on your doorstep ( except for Harry Potter ). But, I am so tired of living this life for someone who isn't even here yet ( the future Me ). I want to make a list of all the things I want to do NOW instead of later. It isn't rushing life, it is running right beside life. Maybe I'll make a list... or maybe I'll just wait till Thursday to talk about all of this in therapy.

crazy stupid love

I talked to my friend today and he said "You sound happy," and I responded with, "I am happy." This threw me for a curveball because he could tell through the sound of my voice how happy I was, and honestly I haven't realized the difference yet. But, there is a big difference. I like someone and I just ( I mean like a week ago )started hanging out with this someone. The emotions, the happiness, the connection I have with this someone is freaking me out because it has been a week or so since we even started this something. When I am with him it is like everything falls into place, everything becomes effortless perfection because I never feel forced to produce some emotions that aren't there. I haven't felt this way about someone for a while, I'd say about 3 years. After my breakup with Nick I searched for something comparable, something that gave me the same feeling that he gave me. Looking back at my relationship with him, the only person I ever cared deeply for, I realized that what we had was magical but not exactly perfect (when I say perfect I mean the perfection of when everything fits together, not like a perfect relationship or anything completely unreal like that). Right now things seem perfect. Call it what you want: The honeymoon phase, infatuation, or young love. I am just so scared that this feeling is a sham, so much that I feel lost in my emotions. In the past I think I have suffocated in my emotions and taken the other person down with me because I couldn't sort out what I was feeling and what I tried to make myself feel. I am just riddled with fear because it feels so right and I want it to also be right (sometimes what feels right is wrong). What do I do? I don't want to blow up my own parade here! I like him. I want to know everything about him. I want him to know everything about me. I want to be around him as much as I can. I want to watch movies with him till dawn. I don't want any of it to stop. A WEEK! A FUCKING WEEK! I MUST BE CRAZY RIGHT? But then again I believe that Love is crazy. So here I am writing a blog about a crush...crazy. And as you can see from my track record...well...enough said.

I've got work in 5 hours and yet I am not sleeping (obvious). I could probably go back to sleep if I wanted to but I actually don't want to be alone in dreamworld right now. I was looking back at my last two posts and it is crazy because I don't remember it, I don't remember putting my thoughts into words. I know it sounds weird but I just had this moment where I said to myself, "oh that's how I felt." When you actually take the time to put your feelings into mere syllables and words it makes easier to remember how you felt. So, I have multiple things on my mind and I don't know where to start. I guess I'll start with tonight. Tonight I said what could be my last goodbye to someone I've grown up with and love with all my heart. He is being deployed on the 15th officially but tonight was his going away party. In a sense it was like funeral procession seeing everyone give their last goodbyes one right after the other, coming back for one more hug or even just a look. I think I hugged him 5 times and kissed him 2 because no matter how distant he has been these past 3 years I will always love him as if he was my second brother. For a while when Scott was in his annoying, pre teen, pick on Molly phase and Cody was my "only" brother. It feels like time has been wasted, that I have missed him growing up and he has missed me. I mean after he turned 21 I only heard about what he was doing but not actually seeing it because he was growing up. He left the house, worked an insane amount of hours being an EMT, had his own friends instead of just his family friends. And I don't despise him for it because I think that's what happens as you grow older, you start to create your own life. Since I am younger than him I was able to watch instead of participate. When I was saying goodbye to him tonight he was very drunk with love, jello shots, and pabst. All he could repeat to me was, "thank you for coming and try and be a little less liberal miss San Francisco." I laughed and smiled despite that being the only thing he remembered. I guess all I am saying is I wish we had spent more time together though I don't think it would've been possible. I love him none the less and all the more. I suppose it doesn't matter how long you are not directly in someones life as long as you have a connection. Second on the chopping block... What do you do when you've made a secret mistake? A mistake no one will ever know about unless you tell them. Do you fess up or keep it hidden? If you keep it hidden then you save everyone a lot of pain and disgruntlement instead of pouring alcohol on the sore. But at the same time you are kind of lying by not telling them. I've been battling this idea for about a week or so now and I don't know what to do...fucking ruin everything that is and could be or keep my trap shut and pretend it didn't happen? My head says"Molly shut the fuck up," and my heart says "tell the truth." I wish I had a time machine to go back and erase this shit. And see I've made this mistake before, I am committing insanity here and I still haven't learned. Now as a detour I was looking at this guy Grady Brannan's Tumblr ( which is amazing by the way) and there was a little pearl of wisdom that made a bell go off somewhere in my head. It said something like, " the biggest mistake you can make is being afraid of making mistakes." I have been afraid all along because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to make the right decision. Thing is why does there have to be a right or wrong decisions, maybe there isn't, maybe it is all just choices. Fuck. Choices...Do I choose to make everyday from now on different and never let that happen again... Do I choose to deal with my consequences... Do I choose to let myself have my cake and eat it too? There is no right or wrong just choices and consequences. I guess you decide which consequence you would rather live with and then from there you choose your decision. :/

love and other things we dream about

I had this rule for myself which would help me maintain my sanity and my self confidence. I have recently decided to just say,

fuck it

and go back to doing what I do best. I told myself no sex with anyone unless I am in a relationship with them. It has been a while and I am tired of waiting for Mr. Right or Mr. Better than the last douche I dated. I've hit a road block and instead of struggling through this quicksand I am going to be me again. Everyone in high school knew I liked sex and that I was having sex which was consequently a big deal because I was so young( not 14 yrs old or anything creepy like that). I think people somehow then labeled me as this or that because judging from the way they treated me I could see I was different. I was .."that girl." And I have been constantly trying to rid myself of this slutty stereotype but truth is I love sex, even bad sex. I may even be a nymphomaniac. My point is that recently I decided to give in and it is as if the flies are once again drawn to my light. People seem to want me more, not for me but for my vag. I know it sounds wrong, like I am whoring myself out but this isn't a one way street because I get something out of it too. I dream of love and someone who will call me and talk to me for not my vag and sexual appeal but for the me they love. And I have found some but it never seems to work. Maybe I am just an idiot with this thing called love, relationships, everything. I get that guys my age only want sex (most of them but not all) and that a relationship is too much. But I find it funny how everyone is more keen to taste your honey when they don't have to commit to the queen bee. I want commitment but I am sacrificing it for my wants. My wants seem to be more powerful and I've kept them at bay for long enough. I don't think I am a slut, I am just someone who loves sex. I am not going to go sleep with the whole town but I am certainly not going to hold back from the person I am. I won't get attached to you because what exists between us is just another thrusting body, genitals and many kisses. You don't want me any other way so take me as I am and always have been.

Perspective...using it...viewing it... doing it.

Life sucks, but ultimately you can turn it on its head and instantly make it better with PERSPECTIVE. Perspective is this magical cure-all idea that includes widening your mind and looking past what you see face value. For example, you just lost your leg in a car crash and initially you're devastated by the loss of such an important body part but with the miraculous use of perspective you are able to be thankful that you're solely alive and well. Perspective can be applied to all areas of life, not just life and death situations. I applied for Chapman two days ago, it is my top choice among universities and I am biting at the bit about the possibility of not being accepted. I am afraid I will have to tell everyone that I failed. But that's not the way to look at it because it just makes everything so sad and depressing. If I don't get into Chapman I want to tell myself that it's okay and that I am going to apply in Fall with a bigger and better application that includes a 2 minute zombie musical to explain my life. But hopefully they accept me because who wants to see half dead people dancing and trying to sing? Actually, I do :) It's okay to be sad because life is painful but at some point you have to use perspective to move on. In the end if it is not okay then it is not the end. We hold on to our hate, angst, sadness, pain and troubles because we need something to blame, something to point the finger at, something to take our mind off the real problem whatever it may be. So next time that things get bad I suggest using perspective to make things right. I am trying to move forward despite everything in my head that wants to hold me back. Life is about continuing the fight, once you give up you begin to fail. Keep fighting.

orgasmic tears

I did something that was supposed to produce heightened blood flow, a feeling of ecstasy, and monstrous sounds. All I ended up with was a Molly in tears. Never has this happened before. As I reached a peak of exhilaration I broke down into silent tears conjured by loneliness. It hit me, when laying there in the tub with water drawing droplets on my skin, that I may be like this forever. Alone with my hand in a bathtub. I know it is a bit dramatic to come to such a conclusion at my age but I can not envision me getting out of this rut. I know they say if you think negatively then you'll get a negative outcome, but even when I think positively I still get something I am unsatisfied with. I truly felt so alone in that moment. Usually I can only cry from one eye if I am sort of sad but tonight both eyes filled like basins with tears. I just feel like I am never enough. I can look back on my last two guy endeavors and say, "something about you[Molly] was not enough." I am the glass half empty, not full. Men can't seem to commit to me without my vagina in their face. Maybe I should become a stripper, then I could have old men, young men, creeps, frat boys, maybe even a few girls drool over my naked body sliding against the pole in the limelight. I just want to be wanted. I want anyone, girl or guy, to say they want me, even if they're lying because then at least I won't have to feel the sting of the truth. I want someone to want me as much as I want them because I am tired of feeling like I am the only one that feels a crushing, deep, caring pain anymore. It's sad because you can't convince anyone to love you. And sometimes you end up pushing everyone else away because that one who rejected you. There seems to be no break in this heartwrenching cycle except the possibility, the hope that someone will love you the way you love them, the way you love yourself. Rupaul says something of the sort... "If you don't love yourself how the hell is anyone else going to." I love myself but I also hate myself at times because I keeping holding on to this image of the past Molly instead of embracing the new Molly. I constantly can't seem to forget or forgive my past mistakes and it is only bringing me down. We hold on because familiarity is blinding to the truth. Truths are hard to take. Maybe I hold on to this slutty, destructive, horrid Molly because I am afraid of growing up and doing what is right ( doing what is right never seems to be easy and I like easy ). What is your truth that you're ignoring?

Timing is everything

I concoct these fantasies of how I want things to turn out and in turn they blind me from the reality of the situation. I get lost in my own hopes of perfection. Life is never perfect or how you expect it to be. Lately I have been pushing diligently in a certain situation to make it work, to help it survive through all this wackiness called Molly. I am becoming a great pretender. I am making up excuses for what is happening, when really I should be relishing in this glorious gooey thing called a crush. The worst part of it all is I don't know how to say all this out loud. I can certainly write it down on paper, type it up on a bright screen and of course think it over in my head. But, I can't admit to myself, aloud, that this is not going to work out. I think a part of me fears losing this connection even if it is a faulty one. Also, a part of me still has hope that there is a future for us as something more than we are now. A friend told me to focus on school and then love will come later. I know he's right but I just can't admit it to myself and accept it. Honestly I'd love to just exploit this whole thing between me and him with my words. Tell it like it is even if it's not how it is. Why do I feel like I am always right in these situations? Correction, I am not right nor wrong, we are both right. We are just not right for each other. I just wish I could make him right because there is something about him that I can't explain that draws me to him uncontrollably, like I'm under a spell. Sounds lame, I know. He is similar to the only person I have ever loved and yet completely different. Something about him keeps me holding on and yet all I need to do right now is let go. It is funny because I think at different time things might be perfect.

FRIDAY FRIDAY getting down on FRIDAY

So Friday night filming came together, somehow, on its own. No, I take that back. My filming was successful because of the wonderful people in my life, without them it would've been a weird ass janky underexposed film about my life in 2 minutes. And now, after it is edited, it will be a sweet ass 2 minute film about my life that might be slightly underexposed (due to my fault... go pro not good in low light settings). Like I said before, without everyone showing up and shoveling their supreme acting skills(not sarcasm) from God knows where, I would be nowhere. I would also be nowhere without everyones support too. But it was weird because the day after I was unexpectedly cheery with a grin that drove on for miles. I knew that after looking at my footage that it might not be good enough, that Chapman might not get it or might think my story too extreme. Like I said it is very underexposed and I wish I could've filmed more shots. And like every person who looks at their work, I found so many faults I wish I could've corrected. But, that is the weird thing...none of this really mattered to me because I was so enthralled with what had happened, what I had attempted to create, and what I had learned, that everything else in my life became the horn section to my own parade. I was infatuated in my own creative self. But one of the greatest parts of the experience is everything I learned. In just a couple of hours I learned so much. I think you do learn best from experience as long as you have the basics to work off of. I learned to listen to the people, the extras in this scenario, around me and also to listen to my mind most fondly. When you get on "set" you have to take command because if not everyone thinks they're the director, everyone thinks they have a good idea but ultimately I think it is good to follow your vision and maybe keep an ear out for what others say (only applicable in the amateur director situation). I think it is a smart thing to listen to others because you don't know everything and you might not notice everything but, I also think you need a firm enough grip on your own idea/concept so that you can stay true to yourself and vision (and not let yourself get run over by extras)(<-- trust me I was dealing with 3 huge guys and this almost happened). Don't take my words as pro film maker bullshit because I don't know half of what I am talking about and I am just a PA trying to find her place. These are merely my observations. In the world I am nobody, just a body with some ideas. Overall, thanks to anyone who is reading this because you have probably inspired me in some way. And if you were there on Friday, a many thanks and much love for being the best people I know. -Molly

AHHH FREAK OUT.

This week was a complete catastrophe. I missed most of my classes, which is not okay at all, and I got into a car accident. Oh and nobody has double confirmed if they're going to be here tonight for my video. I swear all I want to do is curl up in bed, pull the covers over my head and dream about being somewhere different. Why can't people just call back and say, "yes" or "no." What is so freaking difficult about that? I hate flakes. I am a flake. Sometimes I hate myself. But I feel like after this week being such a blunder that everything is resting on tonight, this video, my future, my everything. I know, that's probably a little bit too much pressure to put on something like this, especially something that is already showing signs of incompleteness as we speak. I told myself that despite whatever happens I am going to make it work. My friend Chase said some of the best art is made under restrictions. Maybe I need to just get my head out of this quicksand that is sucking me down and start praying for a miracle or maybe creating a miracle. All I know is that after such a shitty week this night will be very telling of how much I have progressed. You always want things to work out just so, and sometimes they do and most of the time they don't and you end up having to find another route to get to your goal.

Reflections with Rusko in the background

My life has changed dramatically over the past 5 months. It has gone from absolute mania to silent whispers. Now my life is only filled with whispers of desires instead of the typical cacophony of debilitating sounds that caused my mind to burst open. In plain english, my life has become normal and repetitive. Mind you this is refreshing and peaceful yet at times very uninteresting. Maybe all this normality is because my life is actually on track. Maybe it is because I finally feel like I can move freely in my own skin. I don't know what it is but all I can say is how odd, disconcerting, and astounding it is to see your own life change as quickly as a revolving door in fancy smancy hotel. One moment you are there and the next you are somewhere, nowhere to be seen. The revolving door can be an optical illusion for some people but for me it is just a sign of hope; Things are much better and will only continue to get better.

By no means am I saying that my life is as perfect as a peach because truly I am just as much ridden with hardships as I ever have been. And as I enjoy Rusko, dubstep extradionare and a reminder of my past troubles with alcohol and drugs, I think about how I have come too far to turn back now.

I watched Jersey Shore, the season where they are based in Italy, and all I could see on the Tv was myself. I saw myself falling down stairs drunk, vying for someone's attention and love despite their disgust, lying about the things I had done and all together just being an immature fool. I am of course not fully cleared of all my hiccups but I have to say that I am definitely past where those 23-30 year old Jersey kids are. Thank God for that.

And now I am here, trying to do things different, trying to follow my dream. I am changing the "maybes," into "I will!" This whole growing up and leaving NeverLand feeling has got me twisted with happiness. Though I still have a long way to go it is nice to have stopped fighting against myself to be something and someone I'm not. Now I am fighting alongside everything this big ball of magma spews at me: the good, the bad, the ugly.

Bring it on.

Word of The Day: ACCEPTANCE

Therapy day is always a good day. It is the day where everything becomes illuminated. Some therapy days you shed tears, you yell out in anger, you curse profusely, you even might realize that you are in the wrong, but overall it is good because you are growing.

And today was therapy day.

To reflect back on this morning's session I will pretend that I am teaching a particular word of the day to some youngins, like on Sesame Street.

The word of the day is ACCEPTANCE.

Acceptance of one's self, others, the things that go right and the things that go wrong.
(broad spectrum... I know)

I talk a lot about how I want to accept the fact that I might not get into USC's screenwriting program or how I might not get into any colleges at all. But, I then tell myself how I will actually keep following my passion no matter what.

Talk can be cheaper than food at Taco Bell.

I say a lot of things but my actions sometimes fail to follow through.

If perhaps you don't accept that you didn't get into any colleges you might let your life spiral downward into a slump of horse dung with flies and no return.

I don't want that to be me. I won't let that be me.

If someone thinks you're not good enough you have to accept their opinion for what it is, throw it out into the trash and not let it define you.

See, once again I can tell you how to live, but can I show you?

I guess only time will tell if I can accept what fate is to bring.

If you can't get where you want to be... find an alternative route.

A short thought

My bouncer friend from work, Kingman, gave me some advice tonight and well, I think I shall share it.


Simply, guys will go out of their way for the things they love. If they aren't putting in the effort and time then they don't love you.

Secondly, if you don't fuck them then it is harder for them to fuck you over.

Thirdly, he said,"It is just not your time right now but it is okay, focus on the people who do love you."

Beneath his bulky seemingly bulletproof exterior there is a gooey guy under there who understands.

I guess I am just tired of guys leaving me once they get a piece of me (yes, that's the honest truth in all its horrid glory). Always discontinuity. I am tired of no effort on their part but Kingman is right. It is not my time. And I am not going to waste any more of my time wishing or hoping for people to love me like they should when I know they will not and do not.

I've said my peace.

The end.

Where the depressed things are.

Here it is. The faithful truth. I'll pretend like a million eyes are reading this and feeling some connection through their broadband internet ( as if anybody still uses broadband... that shit is too slow).

I get down. I get depressed. I am not happy go lucky all the time, probably not even half of the time. Recently I have been on a happy streak. But today was a huge blunder. I mean, a total shipwreck. I know... devote a whole horrible fucking day to a blog post... pathetic right? Maybe but it brought up a lot of issues that I am currently dealing with and care to write about. Yes, writing is my therapy.

As I said before, I get depressed. I actually have depression and anxiety and take multiple medications for it, so most of the time the pills are working but that's only half the cigar, the other half is me and what I put into it. Today I gave nothing. I gave into my depression. I know some people who are literally radiant, happy, jovial leprechauns 24/7 (or so it seems like) and explaining depression to them is like trying to explain that there's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow... It just doesn't work that way. My depression is my demon, almost like something inside of me that takes over if I let it. There are things I do, and say, and think which make no sense to me when I look back on them. This is my depression. Even if you are reading this now it won't make sense because how do you explain to someone that you live a perfect life and that you sometimes have glitches in your brain where you feel like you don't ever want to wake up again. Depression doesn't make sense. Though you can usually always get to the bottom of why you're depressed.


So why, today, was I depressed?

1. No matter how you spin it, no matter how you say it, you're always going to get the same answer.

This guy I have been talking to compliments me and is sweet to me like cherry pie and I just don't get it. In this situation I think it is me because by the way he is acting I expect him to like me or want to date me or something but after many ways of asking him he still doesn't like me. Yet, he always tells me that soon a guy will not be intimidated by me and will soon ask me out or whatever. He's a sweetheart. Just, why can't it be him? Or better yet why can't I just accept that we can be friends only ( just cut down on the compliments ). First non-douchebag I have liked in a while.. can you blame me for wanting to hold on to him?

2.I want to make everyone happy. I don't want to disappoint.

I called in sick to work today. I haven't been feeling well for a while now and I don't know what is wrong with me but none the less I didn't feel well. I jumped into a full fledged routine of tears and shaking because my manager was upset with me and I knew that I was letting my coworkers down. It is a hostess job. See.. I am looking back now and saying OMG what a goon I am that was so not important.. you should've gotten over it... but I didn't. None the less the compulsion sometimes gets the best of me though I did break the mold this past week by wearing my huge nerdy specs to work. Why does this matter? I thought to myself.. guys won't think I am cute.. Derby hostesses have to be cute... and then I said FUCK IT and I wore my nerdy specs and all. (<--Maybe that has more to do with my self confidence.. oh well)

3.I don't understand why I am so unhappy when there is nothing to be unhappy about.

I have a prime example of someone who is happy, enjoying every day of her life though her life is plagued with tragedy. My best friend's mom was at first, I believe 4 or 5 years ago, diagnosed with GBM, a severe brain cancer and has now within the past week been diagnosed with some type of blood cancer. A tumor broke her hip and that is what sent her into the hospital this last week. She was happy with the news that the tumor the most treatable form of blood cancer. When I heard this it really shocked me. How can you be grateful that it is cancer again. I would be fucking pissed because it, as the doctor says, was probably the radiation treatment from her first cancer that made her more susceptible to cancer the second time around. And, here I am living in a gated community in MV, driving a car, with a job, a beautiful home, a loving family and friends and no worries... jesus... But people just say, "Be happy, just be happy there's nothing to be sad about." And, they're right but it's not that easy, not for me at least. I am thankful and I don't want to complain. I just don't know how to be optimistic instead of pessimistic. Sue me.

4. I miss my brother. I miss San Francisco.

Enough said. My brother is in San Francisco. I don't have the money to go up there nor the time.

So now I feel better but I still don't feel great. There is still a great deal on my mind but I think I'll save it for another time.

-Molly

unorthodox can of wasps

Recently I've become accustomed to writing electronically on this blog or in a word document instead of in my journal or in a notebook and it is ridiculous because I feel like I am cheating writing. I am an unorthodox writer which is no big deal because nowadays most people use computers to write everything from blog post to work write ups on a computer. Nobody worries about that paper and pen shit anymore. Plus this is eco-friendly YAY! I don't care about trees, really I would just like to be able to pick up a goddamn pen and write in my journal like I used to instead of coming to this screen. I feel like an untrue writer or something.

30 minute time limit to say all I want to say. GO!

Alright I have gotten over the idea, the concept, the fantasy of me ever finding a cool guy in my life whether he be a friend or more than a friend. And until recently I had been staying away from all of them. I was free of men and their misgivings. Hallelujah.

And now I have opened a can of worms or more like a can of wasps ( a little more intimidating ). Why did I crack open this can of wasps with my bare teeth like a hillbilly? I felt attracted to someone and I thought he seemed attracted to me too and, well, I am experienced enough to know how to get some of what I want and of course so inexperienced that I get another bit of what I don't want. I guess you could say that thought though 382 miles are separating us I found a way to increase his likeness for me but of course it came with a catch. I think I must be an idiot or have a curse or something. Anywho, I got what I wanted but I suppose not in the fashion I wanted it. I'm saving the gory details for something not so public like my journal ( that's if I can actually pick it up and write in it ). And to make everything amplified like Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World ( love that movie! ) another girl comes into the picture, a friend. By the way this is in no way referencing to a ménage à trois. So now I am struggling with the whole friend situation because she talks to me like she already knows she is getting some from him the next time she sees him. And she is planning on seeing him. So, where does that leave me? Nowhere, because I never expected nor do I expect this whatever to go anywhere mainly because we are both so far away... maybe if I was back in the bay it would be different. It was always just fun and butterflies and cake and boxing... carefree talking with him. But now a part of me that likes being admired and complimented by him wants to make sure I don't get hurt if he fucks my friend. I've been the girl who gets to find out the guy she likes fucked her best friend... one of the shittiest feelings: Like an uppercut you are not fucking expecting. But I don't want to ask him or say anything to him because it is too much drama and I don't want it to seem like I am trying to control what he does. Go ahead fuck her, I am all for it... just don't tag me along to watch.


And now that I post this I am going to have to say something just in the case that someone reads this shit... though nobody actually does.

goodnight

womanly womaness

Today was full of yelling, arguing, cursing, many decisions, and stupid head boys.

For film class we had to come up with a page and half narrative in script format, choose the best script then write a storyboard for the best script.

My script wasn't the best which was fine. So, we picked someone else's.

My storyboard was the best but we picked someone else's.

I didn't vote for my own because I read that you are never supposed to vote for your own and I didn't want to be the black sheep causing trouble. But, honestly my storyboard was the best. Now regardless of whether it was or wasn't the best doesn't matter... it is all about the execution. When my storyboard wasn't picked I went into the situation with a smiling face, good attitude and open arms. And then all of a sudden I start suggesting stuff once our lights go up and no one is listening, it was like they changed the channel on their radios just to tune me out. Plus during the shoot they mention my cleavage and how it could get us extra points in our project... fucking obnoxious pigs. I knew my tits were hanging out but there was nothing I could do since I was wearing a low cut shirt while having to look for fake contact lenses. The directing was shit. The shots were shit. Execution of it all was shit. I seriously wanted to choke the director with a weasel and pull out all my hair and then shoot out my brains and have them all clean up the mess with only their tongues. Crude, I know.

I was the talent in the script. Since the script had a girl originally and I was the only girl in our group I felt like they eliminated mine first off because they didn't want to have to rework the script or they just didn't want two guys playing the roles. I don't know. All I do know is never in my life have I felt so belittled between these three guys though I know they weren't doing it on purpose. Maybe it was all instinctual like they were trained to be superior over me. I have talked with a friend before about women in the film business and how they can at times can be overlooked because there aren't many of them and it just makes me think... should I have spoken up about my storyboard in the beginning? What should I have done?

A week of disappointing news.

This week, this month, has been overloaded with disappointing news and it has within the past 48 hours only gotten worse.

It is odd because just a month ago I felt on top of the world with an internship in hand, a job landed and dreams that needed to be tended to. Here I am now upset, devastated, distraught, discouraged and all together just ready to give up. For fuck sake I haven't really created anything in so long.

I feel empty like a tomb.
No ideas.
No hope.
No vacancy
No time.

I found out that my best friends mom, who I consider my second mom, most likely had her hip broken by a tumor. About 5 years ago she was diagnosed with GBM, a very debilitating type of brain cancer. This tumor or mass in her hip is not the GBM but as a result of her chemo and radiation treatments for her GBM it has made her more susceptible to getting cancer. And now after all this time of happiness and good health she is back in the hospital, in pain, possibly with more cancer.

My other second mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a month ago and had a double mastectomy. She had to have reconstructive surgery and does not have any feeling in her new breasts. We found out their dog died today. I loved Radar. As if the breast cancer wasn't enough.

Cancer took my grandfather away from me a year ago in May.

Cancer. Cancer. Cancer.
Death. Death. Death.

It has been a constant fucking reminder like a bird chirping in my ear saying, "life is not everlasting," or "life isn't fair."

I want to squish that fucking bird.

I remember when my grammie got breast cancer. I was young when it happened and at that point, to me it didn't even seem that prevalent (probably because my young age). And now it seems like no matter what age you are, you are at risk of getting cancer.

All I can think about is when will I have to endure another death in my family like my grandfathers because though not blood related both those women are just as close to me as any relative. I think of how I will react when I get the news or where I will be. I know...morbid. But I figured out this is how I brace myself for the reality of the situation. This is how I prepare myself for the worst. I find it nearly impossible at times to think positive because I don't believe in miracles, I don't believe God is listening to my good thoughts, I don't believe that I can do anything to help. But it is funny because I find that a positive attitude is key to getting through most things, even illnesses, not because it has magical powers but because of its biological powers. Somehow I find cancer so deafening to life that any positiveness is just drowned out immediately, regardless.


And to add to it all I have been so busy and out of sync that I haven't been writing, painting, or photographing anything. I made a schedule hoping to get on track with this creative stuff. I am going to try and turn my negatives into positives. I am going to try and workout too.


But mostly in all this pain and sadness, I feel alone. I wish there were people outside to comfort me or to tell me it will all be okay.

The start of an end.

Here I am and it's almost the end. I have two more finals to go and then I leave San Francisco on Sunday. It will be the end of a journey and yet the starting of a new one. One right after the other. I have to say I haven't been this excited since I knew I was coming to San Francisco in the first place for college and now I am so freaking elated to be leaving. Don't get me wrong, San Francisco has taught me so much, things that I would have never experienced and learned if I would have stayed in Mission Viejo. San Francisco is alive in beauty, culture, life and just spectacularness! I will miss San Francisco but I have to leave, it's that gut feeling that's confirming that I am right and that this decision is right for me. A part of me will stay here buried deep somewhere, probably in Stern Grove :)

Over the past few weeks I have been reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion which is about the year leading up to her husband's death and the time she spends grieving afterwards. I decided to read it after I saw Michelle Williams talking about it and how she read it after Heath Ledger's death. My grandpa passed away last year and it was a dark time for a while.

Joan Didion's novel is poignant mainly because of her cyclic, somewhat drawn out, first hand account of her husband's death. I say cyclic because the book can get very boring and repetitive at times for someone who has never experienced the loss of someone close to them. For those who have experienced that kind of loss you are able to understand and go through the motions with her.
That is what it feels like when someone like that passes, time starts going on without you. You stay stagnant in your grief while life just passes you by. You can't seem to get yourself out of bed, yet the world goes on, the sun still rises and falls without you.

Didion repeats in her mind the phrase, And then--gone.
This happened, that happened and then gone. Things can go prematurely with no warning, some things die slowly, both are considerably painful but the most painful is the fact that everything dies, everything goes. The fact of life, the circle of life, but fortunately yet maybe unfortunately we never know when.

And then--gone.

My point is I don't want to waste anymore time trying to be something or someone I am not. I am now in attempts to try and take on film, cinema, screenwriting and it's not going to be easy. Nothing ever is easy. I know I have a lot of passion and I know I can do it and make it amazing whether given the chance or not. I am just a bit nervous because I have seen friends put so much work/passion/drive into something and still fail. I know failure is part of the game and that you have to keep going, keep trying and pushing. I don't want to forget all this and hopefully I won't especially since this is where the fire live, the passion, the monster :)

plus you never know when

And then--gone.

That's why you must live the way you want to live everyday. Make the most of it.

Stigma

They will never know us,
never understand us.
Are we the chosen or the damned?
The ones who know the blood of these waters and the cuts of the land
Times like this we are the damned.
Yet we know the beauty, destruction, misery and creation.
We were chosen to bear the weight of man,
am I the chosen or am I the damned?

We see what you will never see
burnt and sealed, we are the damned.

Loss

Thank you Aisha and Casey for the helpful words of support and wisdom, the thoughts in this blog were inspired by what you two said :)

He said parting words. The few sentences were abstract, stupid, empty, thoughtless words that you would say to a stranger. I gasped for air.
I had lost.
For once I did not escape the repercussions of my actions. After every god damn mistake I have made never have I made one like this because never before have I hurt someone I have cared so deeply for. I have always hurt myself or just someone in passing that I could live without but now it is different, I hurt someone I love. When you hurt yourself or make a mistake you can forgive or beat yourself up for a while and then get over it. When you hurt someone else you apologize and well that's all and even time can't heal everything.

My throat started to close like I had some affliction or disease come on suddenly. My heart, an abstract curved shape of an anatomical organ stuttered for a beat. It broke for a second. I felt a piece of it fade into the abyss of my surrounding body. Forget me. Forget me. Then the tears welled and tried to distract me from the ache in my chest and maybe their purpose was to even heal the sting; the phoenix tears of humanity. They were a physical reminder of what was actually happening... loss, mistakes, regret. People say live life without regrets. I say regret yet learn and move forward. I have lost something special but from it I hope to learn and though that's no replacement for what is now gone at least it's comfort of progress.

Life can suck. Today sucked. I lost you, my best friend up here. There's no excuse for my actions and that's why my simple apology and maybe the thought that you know I have gained insight from this will not suffice nor make things better but I suppose leave things better than I left them on Saturday. Love you Rashady.


Let it be.

Messiness

A part of me wants to disconnect all of this... the facebook, the twitter, the iphone, the iphone apps, the texts, the email, all of it. Let me live this solitude. It's funny because times like this when I feel incredibly alone, all this fucking technology surrounds me and yet I feel I can't communicate properly with anyone. Oh the irony. So if I am going to be lonely then let me really be alone because all these fake little vessels of communication just complicate shit. You want me, then call me or write me a god damn letter. But then again this is how the 21st century communicates and networks with each other. It's how one gets on top. I want to be on top.

It's just one of those moments where I feel like I could be atop a mountain screaming, vibrating my vocal chords till breakage and still no one would hear. Why? People got their own shit going on and my shit is not as important and rightfully so because truthfully it's stuff that will be tomorrows joke.

I just keep messing everything up. Trial, error. Trial, error. I am tired of being a shameful sham homewrecking mam and see I was doing so well and now I am back in the barracks again.

You ever just want to reach out to someone you don't know? They seem so ideal... they don't really know you, don't know your past, don't know your present nor future.. they are just there with you unattached yet attached in a way that is healthily unbinding.

I don't know maybe this is just an accumulation of everything but I am basically sick and tired of everyone. I'd rip them all out on this blog here but I've learned better. But maybe I'm the one who needs a good slap in the face, you know a good, "hey look at yourself in the mirror bitch." I don't know. All I can say is that this post is pathetically stupid.

by the way.. lover boy.. darren criss... can't really sing.. well

sad day

:(

Contradiction

It's funny because I mentioned "contradictions" in my last blog and now here it crops up again. I recently have been telling myself that my new motto is, "no fear!" (despite the fact that it reminds me of the fucking clothing brand) and that "life is too short to not take chances!" Today and over the past few days I have found myself in fear. Deep fear. That fear you get when you're walking up the stairs and you misstep where your foot hardly touches the next stair. Suddenly through that misstep you feel like you're going to fall backwards. Your stomach jumps and you hope to God there's a banister to your right side that you can grab so it will save you. I feel like I could fall backwards, that's my fear. Fall back into who I used to be, to what I used to do, how I used to act. Over the past few weeks my life has changed a good amount. I am mostly sober. I have smoked twice over the past 2 weekends. I haven't had a drink, as far as I can remember, since spring break and even over spring break I didn't drink heavily at all. I don't go out much. I mainly only hang out with people I trust and love up here in San Francisco which isn't many. I typically stay in and watch movies, do homework, write, read and workout. If you're reading this you might be saying, "shit, she's a fucking loser." And, my response is, "maybe I am a fucking loser but I can honestly say I am really happy for once and very excited for my future." This elatedness is definitely a result of my increased soberness and the other changes I have made such as letting go of the things I cannot control in my life and only dealing with the things I can.

This blog is not intended to preach to you. I only intend to explain myself because although I am happy I still have fears, I still worry and I want to emphasize the reason/importance of the changes I am going through.

Lately, I have been asked to hangout with certain people. Somehow I come up with one reason or another to deny them. "I have a lot of homework to do,""I am busy this weekend but maybe next weekend,""I'd love to but I already have plans." Mostly white lies or complete lies. These certain people are all men or boys or whatever. I have found I don't want to be around any guys. I don't want to talk to guys that I don't already trust, know, and love. I apologize for being this way but I can't risk disappointment right now. One day, hopefully soon, I'll be able to open my heart back up but for now I don't want any guy near it. Not because you have all trampled over it but simply because I can't win at it and it gets to a point where you're done trying to make things work. And even friendships with guys right now seem disgusting to me because I am so tired of dealing with "it", everything that comes with "it." And I have to say most of "it" is brought on by me :) It goes something like this... We are friends, we hookup, and you either A)Don't like me and just want to fuck me B)Do like me and still want to fuck me C)Do like me but I don't like you D)Don't like me and want me out of your life but I become very attached/psycho/needy. Anywho, I can't do it because I am afraid I'll go back to being the old me because the old me thrives off of disappointment and misery and that's how everything I start with guys ends. That's probably the most honest thing I know about myself. So I am sorry if I have shut you out.


So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am a contradiction to my own self proclaimed motto. I don't want to be, but I figure there are things to be fearful of and things to take chances on. I believe love is something that you should always take a chance on but sometimes things have to be at the right place and at the right time. All in all this blog might just be for myself, saying, "Molly you are able to admit to yourself that you need to be cautious in your fragile state of mind because for you it can be fleeting. But, this in itself shows you're not fearful of one day being happy because you know in order to succeed you have to be smart about your mind/health/life/love/etc." And, in the past I feel like I have been afraid of happiness because all I knew for so long was misery, hopelessness, hatred for life and myself. When you've been to that place it's hard to imagine a happy life full of prosperity and opportunities and if you actually get a chance at that life you never think it's going to last. You sabotage yourself.

I do want to find love and have many friends/relationships... yada yada yada :) but fear is a contradiction as many things are and I think it's just another thing you must gauge for yourself. What am I going to take a chance on today? What do I fear, and should I fear it?

Fear is okay as long as it doesn't control you. Right now I feel inhibited by my fear but I also know that it's guiding me to a place where my fears will be more manageable. <-- sorry if that doesn't make sense


Thanks for tuning in :)

Mrs. Darren Criss

Just before I start and end this quickie blog post, the previous one about my grandpa's death has more spelling/grammar errors than most of my stuff typically has and I also jumbled some of my words so take a breath of relief that when I have time I will edit it but for now...
.
I want to write
I want to pour myself out to you and have you look down at all my insides and then pour yours right back into a pile of all our emotions that seem to messy to contain.
I write to connect. In all ways that I possibly can, when I write I hope you feel what I feel or that you want to feel what I feel or something of the sort.


And now I am here. I am kind of tired and in some ways would rather read my book, The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson. But I am going to try and put what I can out here. I am not the one doing you the favor but it's quite the opposite, I thrive on the prospect that someone gets to hear me, see me, nakedly without as many restrictions as I usually put up. So if you're reading this, thank you.

Lately I have been a snail curled in my bed most of the time. I watch hulu, I read, I nap, I do homework, I watch netflix, I watch another netflix. I have created my own shell where I am finding it easier to I guess you could say deal with things. I don't really go out and drink anymore or go to parties. I stay home or see my brother or hangout with my roommates and play uno haha... it does vary but overall I have become very introverted and for me with introversion comes also, revelation/reflection.

Long story short: I chose to be a biology major for the wrong reason. I am now trying to withdraw from my chemistry class and I have decided to go to saddleback for a year and transfer somewhere with a new major (hopefully cinema, maybe english)

So who cares right?

Basically I just want to say that life, you are a big fucking contradiction. You cannot have your cake and eat it too (some people get lucky like hmm angelina jolie or something). Everything comes with karma, consequences, repudiation, yadadadaaaaaaaaaa. I guess in better words is that there's no direct road to drive on in life... people make you believe there is but god damn them for lying to me because they are wrong. Double edged sword. I will relate this to my direct problem... they say, "do what you love (for your career)."... they say, "don't major in things/subjects that won't produce a profession that can't support you financially." And after many talks with people I have decided maybe life isn't as big of a contradiction as I think it is, maybe I am just growing up and seeing life for what it really is... fucking difficult. And so going off of this tangent, I picked a biology major cause I wanted to be smart, I wanted to be a doctor and make money. In high school I was the dumb one out of my friends, I mean my friend Rachel is amazingly smart & wonderful, is at Cornell and is now studying for her MCATs. My friend Stephen got a perfect SAT score and there I was in H.S. unable to even pass my weekly AP bio tests. I felt stupid, that's what it comes down to. And though I do have interest in biology I was trying to please everyone else which would indirectly please me. I guess I just realized recently that I am tired of being a people pleaser. I mean I am not going to parties anymore because I am too tempted to drink and I don't really like them in general for other reasons. I typically went to big parties because I wanted to put out this persona that I was a fun and an outgoing person... all trying to make other people think some way of me to make me happy in the end. I guess I have always been battling to be happy and content with myself. Maybe now I am closer than ever.



Anywho, I realized that bio is not my thing... end of story. I started talking to my mom about possibly changing my major to cinema and whatnot and basically she said how competitive it was and how it would be hard to make a living. And please don't get me wrong because I love my mom ( and dad) more than anything and I value their wisdom and advice they have to give but at this very moment I felt so bad because I felt like society/everyone else/maybe even godzilla was crushing my dreams to be a screenwriter or something of the sort in cinema.

Everything nowadays is hard. Everything is competitive. America used to be known as the land of opportunities. I feel like people have truly lost the ability to believe. Or maybe because of recent events such as the downfall of the economy people have a hard time imagining things prospering. Trust me, I don't expect things to be easy, I certainly don't know how hard it will be but I have an immense amount of PASSION for almost anything and everything in the creative zone. Basically, it's not something I am lacking (passion). My point is that nothing is a guarantee but most things, no, everything is possible. Me meeting Darren Criss and falling madly in love with him is completely possibly. Me making a shitty feature film is totally possible. Me being an amazing person/director/screenwriter/wife of Darren Criss is 100 % within reach... we just have to believe and work for it.


the moment you stop believing, or the moment you let what everyone else is saying stop you is the moment when you lose your chance to make your dreams come true.


My goal: be myself.. completely and totally. meet Darren Criss hahaha. Believe in myself.


That's what you missed on Molly's Life


sorry if there are spelling mistakes n shit in this one.. will edit later

Grandpa Don

At first, the day of, I didn't know what to write. Now on March 27th at 2:39 a.m. I have a compulsive urge to write what I feel and what I know. I swear this compulsion about sharing my feelings through writing is why my sleep is so fucked up. All my ideas flow through my fingertips best at night. This would be helpful if I slept all day and was up at night ehemmm maybe I should be a vampire.

Anywho, March 24th 2010 my Grandpa Don died. His heart stopped, his breath left his lungs and his eyes closed. My family saw him before he passed and I was up at school when I got the news. I have and still do hold on to the fact that I wasn't there, wasn't there to squeeze his hand and give him a kiss. My grandpa has been a part of my life since I can remember. I remember the rosmoor fair where he bought me the barbie basket filled with everything pink and Barbie. All the trips to Disneyland and in particular riding the jungle cruise with him. Being young, vivacious, curious, self centered, I didn't appreciate him and the time I spent with him. I have come to terms that that is okay because I was so little and didn't realize that all moments were fleeting, though I do believe as I got older I did kind of make up for lost time. But, only kind of.

There's a lot of things I could say about my grandpa, I suppose the most important things were that he served in the Air Force during World War II and was in the top turret of a B-24 Bomber plane, he loved his country and even more his family, he came from nothing and made something of himself, he was courageous, strong, loving, kind, smart, and generous. Of course none of these things that I have just said define my grandpa, he was undefinable. (Sorry for the first sentence run-on)

On the day of his funeral I was sad, nervous and happy. Seemingly odd emotions to have at your grandfather's funeral. I was happy that even though the pain was not gone, that we were making progress in this difficult time. After this day there would be no more talk of funerals, death and things that I didn't want to think about. Who will get this? Do you think she will even show up to the funeral? What flowers should we pick for the arrangements? So stressful in a time where all you want to do is curl up in a ball and wait till it is over. I have to say that it was definitely a bonding experience for my mom's side of the family because in the death of my grandpa we found what truly held us together, him. I was of course sad and pained with grief that my grandfather was now gone but I was sad that I didn't get to say goodbye necessarily like my family had. We kind of knew that within a few days he would probably pass so of course people flooded into his house to have one last glance at his life and a give him a kiss or two. I was not there. I thought I was going to be seeing him over spring break but unfortunately he passed a day before I was supposed to leave.

I was nervous because I was going to be speaking in front of everyone at the service. I had decided to read a Henry Scott Holland poem (posted below) because I just couldn't come up with any words to express how I felt. Not being able to put my own feelings on paper was heartbreaking for me because I knew what I wanted to say but I just couldn't find a way; I wanted to do my grandpa proud but I couldn't. The service was beautiful and then we went back to his house. It's funny because I could read so many different emotions on everybody's faces. I saw happy, relived, sad, torn, indifferent, empty, lost. So many emotions in a small house in Long Beach can be quite tiresome to the soul and mind. Me and Scott escaped to the car. Everyone grieves in their own way and for a while there was silence and mindless babbling about the fact that he was actually gone. The day was lovely for such an unfortunate occasion. I dressed up that day in a little black dress, pearls, with my hair pulled back, and way too high stilleto heels. I wanted to look good for my last and final goodbye to him.

It's odd, I have always believed in ghosts/apparitions. My mom went to this median and she was able to talk/contact her mother who died a little after she was 21 (not sure as to her exact age when Grandma Mary died). Maybe you don't believe in that kind of stuff but I did and after hearing about my mom's experience last year it was just more of a confirmation of the ability to communicate with the dead. I don't feel this way now. After my Grandpa died I remember being able to feel him, feel where he was after he had passed...somewhere in a space between death and heaven (if heaven exists). Caught in the afterlife I felt what he was experiencing, and me and my mom would talk about it. I thought it was all real but now I look back and think that it was all in my mind. Why such a change of heart? It has now been a year since his death and I don't feel his presence anymore and I don't know if this is because my outward grieving has stopped and I no longer have to console myself with this idea of him watching over me or if it never existed in the first place. My grandfather believed in ghosts and I just feel like I should still feel him, always, by my side, or up above looking down upon me. You know how if you stare at someone they eventually look your way, I feel like he isn't staring and I can't find him. See it doesn't matter if what I believed to be true, ghost, really exist or not because I have learned how he carries on in other ways. He is forever present in me, my mom, my brother, my auntie, jen, sal, jack. His genes run through us, basically. I have his many photo albums, his medals and all other memorabilia that I have staked claim on. I know he will never truly die, not in my heart at least. After he had died and I had heard all the things that people had to say about my grandpa I started to realize, in depth, what an amazing person he was. Words fail to even describe him. I realized I wanted to live a life like his; Always giving to others when he didn't have enough for himself, extending his hand to people who weren't even his family, keeping in touch constantly with the people he loved, always having a joke to make the day lighter, having passion for his life and country. My grandfather instilled drive, passion and perseverance in me. He fueled my phases of art, horse back riding and everything else I wanted to try. He brought light to my dreams, making me believe that anything I wanted to do was possible. Today life can fucking beat you down into the ground. Life is just so destructive and beautiful at the same time that we don't know whether we are happy to be alive or wishing we were dead. I don't believe my life was easier than his or harder, just really different. But he got through it and made it something worth talking about. I want to be like my grandpa. This is how I know he will never die. What I've learned from him will never disappear and when I falter the memories of him will drive me on. Death brings light to many things, things unknown that you never noticed. Death also breaks your heart and makes the world at times seem a little bit terrifying.

I have been reading a lot about religion for of course my world religions class and I have realized that life is kind of messed up. I understand why myself, and others prayed for death because the world was so hateful and painful. I get it. The difference between now and then is that to give in to the world, to kill yourself, is the fact that you lack fiber and courage. I don't believe we are meant to succeed. I believe in a theological sense that the world is against us and that there is no hope for mankind because we will end up destroying ourselves and everything we build. But, I also believe that we are meant to be here so that we can change it, change destiny if destiny exists or make up our own story because noting exists ahead. Choose...live life or live dead. I want to ask myself everyday, am I taking today for granted? Have I told everyone I love that I love and appreciate them? Am I enjoying my life? These are simple questions to ask but how often to we continuously ask them? I, myself, never do except for once in a while. All I am saying is that through death there is meaning and by adding to your life there is meaning in death.


Death is nothing at all by Henry Scott-Holland

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!



I love you Grandpa<3

gold

It's almost 2 a.m. and I am up, thinking, reeling, and of course as you can tell, not sleeping. I could sleep but I know it will take about an hour for me to actually close my eyes, clear my mind and just sleep. So, why not write and not sleep for lack of exciting dreams and having too much shit on my mind.

so here goes nothing but babbling and ranting.

This past weekend was great, amazing, wondrous and filled with golden, illuminating specs that made everything taste sweeter and richer. I was wandering around SF state with some friends while being ehemmm cough under some influence. I wandered into the forests of SF state only to find that the jungle leaves glowed beneath the cold lamppost's wavering eye. The leaves could've turned into gold butterflies that would've danced beneath the night sky. It was picturesque to say the least. Everything was more beautiful than it ever seemed to be. Most things do appear to be more pretty at night to me. Maybe its how light plays on the darkness or maybe it's the silence. Anywho I know what the word golden meant after that night.

Golden- to be pure, free from any inhibitions such as worries, pains, mistakes, hatred. All you feel is this spotless love that radiates from the golden glow as it infects your limbs, making you want to dance. You marvel silently at things that you never imagined could be.


It might all sound stupid or hard to believe but for some reason I wish everything was dowsed with gold light. Maybe it is and I am just not looking hard enough. Stay golden ponyboy.


So, that was Friday and then there was Saturday where the gold streak continued. Saturday I felt comfortable in my own skin... like I could move around without holding my breath in fear that I would make a sound, indicating that I was unsure of myself. My body and mind were sound as I bathed in the tranquility of knowing myself. I didn't have to pretend. I was held that night like there was some affection, some spark. Maybe that's what brought the mojo back or maybe it was the drunkeness or the gold. I don't know.

I only mention these things because they're oddities for me. I don't typically feel like myself or that I can be like my true self and I have never been able to marvel at my lack of inhibitions and my magnitude of love.


Maybe I am growing and finally putting some of my tools to work. Maybe I am creating a mansion of security that will occupy my life forever. So many maybes where only time will tell.

And though my weekend was great there was other things that are worth pondering.

A new breakthrough in my life has been saying..."fuck it, if you don't like [insert: this, that or me] then, fuck you I am moving on."
In the past, me, being indifferent has caused me bruises, pains and lesions because I would disregard things that had really mattered. For example, one night I would be upset about something and drinking my sorrows away because I took the stance of "fuck it" and I would consequently end up throwing up my guts and feeling lower than low (you might be thinking that this is every typical bad night of drinking for someone, but for me I suppose it's a bit different because the degrees of my lows and how long it takes for me to get out of them). And now I feel more cautious and analytical before I say fuck it. Maybe that is the big difference, the fact that it's not so impulsive. But, not until literally last week and this weekend have I ever been so sure about who I was, where I am going, how I feel, and what I want to do. Therefore all my "fuck its" had no repercussions of feeling like a dead rat in a gutter. Once again, very surprising. I, by nature, am impulsive and silly. I do things that I regret and that fucking suck. But, this time I am here writing a blog saying I couldn't be happier with the choices I made. I guess it boils down to the fact that I am down-right tired of trying to.......

please others

please myself based on things that are unpleasing to me

find a good guy to be in relationship with (I'd rather just find a good guy)

be somebody I am not

know everything and control everything

try

sort out the drama and make it all better

figure out why I do most things wrong which then leads me to wallowing in my own grief

be happy all the time

justify my actions

get you to love me


Basically you get tired of trying to do things that should come naturally. Of course most things in life take work and a lot of it, but I suppose there are things that to that individual person aren't worth the work. When I say, "find a good guy to be in a relationship with," I mean that I am fucking tired of either A. trying to make things work with a douche bag. B. trying to fix the things I have done wrong in a relationship. C. trying to find someone who connects on my level D. trying to make someone love me (which by the way is of course, impossible (I am talking about the 'make' part not the 'love me' part).

I am not saying I give up on all these things but at some point you realize that this or that doesn't really matter or that you really don't need to be doing this or that all these things will come in good time.
I am saying it's okay to be happy with things not being perfect and immaculate. Wow. I guess that just hit me right now cause I don't think I have ever really known that.

I was telling Maddy that the reason why I get so worked up over things is because I feel like I have made so many mistakes already in my past that I have already filled up my score card and that I am not allowed to have anymore fuckups. So, when I do fuck up, my world crashes and crumbles and I beat myself up because I don't want to go backwards. But what I am realizing is that to accept, and maybe sometimes make better is to move forward in life. Trying to fix the things that cannot be fixed because they're done is like fucking for your virginity. Maybe if I let go of this need for perfection then I can finally be free from the things that bind me to my past.

:) wow again.

dreamers and believers

Things right now aren't ideal, yet I am still happy. I am happy because I have come to terms with things, I have abandoned my anxiety about everything going wrong and thrown it out the window. It's easy to know when you're making the right decision. If you have the slightest stomach ache about something in your life then you probably need to take an extra second and consider things. I have done exactly that and now I feel so much better about what lays ahead. Yes, I have my manic ups and downs but this feeling is becoming a bit more permanent by each minute that ticks away.

I look out at my window and attempt to place the images in my mind, in certain nooks and crannies, in hopes that they will stay and not fade away because right now I am almost 90% sure that I am not coming back to SF state next year. My two friends Jessica and Jenn had decided to leave SF state and when they told me I really couldn't understand. Of course everyone has their own reasons, but still I thought they were cowards for leaving (sorry guys keep reading, I love you so much) and now I understand why they left. I love San Francisco, I love how when it rains downtown the lights reflect off the street puddles, I love the tall buildings, I love the places that don't card, I love all the parades and events that seriously go on about every weekend, I love the people in SF, I love the culture, I love all the museums, I love how the rain still makes it green even though it's a metropolitan city, I love San Francisco and I will miss it once I am gone. I might come back, who knows. Anywho, I realized that I don't see myself here next year,I don't see myself trying to pretend that this is where I want or need to be. I came to SF state as a biology major with hopes of one day going to medical school and now I am so utterly confused about what I am even doing with my life. And everyone keeps telling me that not knowing is totally, okay. But, being a person who loves control and who loves to try and control the things that are uncontrollable, the future/unknown freaks me out. I only get to go to college once and I have experienced a tiny bit of college and now I realize I need to go back to the drawing boards so that I can figure my shit out. San Francisco is an expensive city in all aspects and because of lack of money and my own transportation it stops me from doing some of the things I would like to do. You may say these are just excuses, and maybe you're right but I will call them my reasons. I see people at SF state who balance a full time job, 16 units and fun times. I wish I could be like that, and I can because when I have a clear state of mind I can multitask and get my shit done. Basically by going home I will be saving my parents money, I can volunteer at the J.F. Shea Center, I can get a job and baby, I can drive my car. My brother said, "Molly, you can do those things up here too." But truly I can't. I have so many dreams and ambitions but I am just unsure where my path lies. I want to volunteer at the Santa Ana Hospital which has the biggest trauma center in California (I am almost sure) so I can get experience in a hospital setting to see if pre-med is what I really want to devote my time to. I can't do this during the summer because of time constraints. I could volunteer at UCSF but it takes muni bucks and time that I don't have. Driving really does cut down the time compared to the muni when going to some places. I want to volunteer at the J.F. Shea Center more and see if hippotherapy is something that I could replicate in a future program that is similar to the Shea Center (look up J.F. Shea Center...quite amazing). I also want to start a program in Capo Unified School District that gives kids the knowledge about mental health disorders and the resources to get help with them. I want to work at Family Member Veterinary Hospital or another vet hospital in the area as a technicians assistant to see if veterinary medicine would be something I would want to also do. I also want to start creating short films/stop motion films/take film production classes/animation classes. I have many passions (helping people, horses, art, mental health disorders, animals, film, etc.) And truly if I go home I believe I will be able to get some experience in all these fields and have a better clue about what who I am and what I want to do. I have gotten some guidance from friends and they say do what you need to do, don't hesitate, just do it, live your dreams. My friend Casey is the biggest dreamer, and he's not the only one. I am going to take a year to get my head clear, get experience, and make my dreams a reality. I am not going to need luck, just perseverance. I know I can be amazing and make a change in this world and I am not going to let my fear of failing stop me. Never before have things been so clear to me. I know people might not understand, they will say I will regret it, they might even call me a coward. I know there will be people supporting me along the way and also people throwing stones at me and that's fine. People get jealous and try to hold you back to their level because they are fearful that you will actually accomplish what you're promising.

One last thing.
I have gotten so tired of trying to fit in with people that don't really appreciate me...so much that I have come to the conclusion of saying, "fuck 'em." This world is cruel and beautiful and I am not afraid of the cruel but I wont let it stop me from seeing the beautiful. We are born selfish and inconsiderate. ME ME ME. Some of us never trade in these qualities for better ones. I have realized that I am loved by only the people who really matter in my life. But I do warn you that anger, fear, envy and hate can allow you to make decisions and assumptions in haste. Be careful but also don't hang around people who aren't worth your time and love.

Hope this was semi interesting and not too annoying. Even if it was, oh well :)


another goal is to get some of my writing published.


Much love to the dreamers and believers

God punishes the good and saves the beasts among them

What to you do when the last of them have disappointed you? What do you do when people have stepped on your heart, your amicable consideration towards them, your last hope that things will work out? What do you do when you feel like nothing is true anymore, like if you were to touch their lips they would ripple and fade into darkness? What do you do when you don't want to feel like shit but every time you think of why you feel like shit then you just feel shittier than when you started?

I have seen many of you, all of you,
till the depths of your faces where the insides meet your smile
more of a smirk with a devilish snare behind it
you're weightless and don't care for long walks or heavy hearts to hearts because you're living free in selfish solidarity
why should I break up your fun, just because I'm the absent one?
they tell me karma will get them and I say only luck will because that's how life is
God punishes the good and saves the beasts among them
yet I am not in heaven
a limbo of thoughts where nothing but unreciprocated feelings dwell, festering into bubbles of hell
save me, save me
I am not the victim, possibly the symptom, definitely not a girl who takes heartbreak well
Just tell me straight out then I can finally get it
stop living in ambiguities cause it twists the webs
sticking to my fingers making cotton candy dread
so stop, stop, stop it
I try to tell you what and you just brush it off like our friendship
then once again we are left with singed bridges and water below that holds no beginning or end
we are not friends, not true friends.

Life is funny

Alright, so new blog post though I am unsure what exactly I want to write about so I warn you that this may all be a jumble of words.


Solidarity. You live life alone, you change alone, you grow alone, you laugh alone, you die alone etc.
You may be saying to yourself that this gurl is pessimistic with her views on life and pshhhh honey has got it all wrong.
OR
you could be saying God is always with me.
OR
something else

Is this a pessimistic view on life? Maybe. Am I wrong? Maybe
but wrong or right doesn't matter, blogs are opinions.

So in the past week or so I have realized a few things...
1. you live life alone therefore you must be, 90% of the time, selfish when making decisions concerning your health (mental & physical) and general well being.

In response:
I have been reading a lot about buddhism and hinduism and the values that they are based on and a big kind of unifying theme is about how our need/attachment for materials/sense objects creates a desire and craving which inevitably creates suffering and dissatisfaction in our lives. It goes on telling its followers to devote every burp, defecation and strenuous workout to god (which ever god you would like to refer to according to your religion). Live your life according to god. This part I can't conceptualize because I am antitheistic and a bit agnostic/atheist. Anyways, bottom line is that we attach ourselves to many things (husbands, boyfriends, my stolen marc jacobs bag, our pets, yada yada yada) but what we fail to realize is that these attachments ultimately cause suffering because if something happens to them (death, age, sickness, or being stolen) then our life basically can flip upside down. Now I am not saying give up your attachments because I can't even imagine my life without all the pets I have had, they bring me soooo much joy. But in current situations with friends I have noticed their reluctance to give up these attachments when they are causing or will cause them severe pain in the future. All that I say is completely circumstantial because without attachments in my life I would have nothing to thrive on and live for. But, I have also realized that in this life, I die alone, I am born alone, I struggle alone. I am sure you can give examples of situations when your friend was with you through your trials and tribulations but truly everything in life is individualized to that one human being, nothing is the same for two different people. So these friends of mine are putting their lives in the line of fire all because they're so attached. I think this is unfair to them because no matter if you think what your doing is needed or right, you need to weigh the situation you are putting yourself in, is it as important as you say it is ( I do the test of.. will this matter in 5 years?) and if the option of it ending fatally or in jubilation is worth it. Is it worth your well being and sanity? All I am saying is ask yourself this because in the end you experience all this alone and no matter how hard you try to explain it to someone, even if they have been in the same experience, they will not know, only you will know what it felt like, what it smelt like what it tasted, sounded, looked like. But most of us want to be a martyr... die and be put through hell for something worth it. That concept is also a silly one that I typically engage in. Now with all this said I am not saying don't give to the poor nor volunteer at a place like the Betty Ford Center because it doesn't matter in the end. Though it may seem contradictory to everything I have just said, these things are useful and bring about joy and happiness ( typically . To give to someone else what they cannot give themselves is truly an amazing feeling and experience ( which can also be taken as you doing the job just to reap gratification ). So just be careful and weigh the options. Of course you are going to do things that aren't worth it but these, all these good and bad experiences shape us to be the person we are every second of every day.


2. Next thing which I sort of mentioned in the last paragraph is the thought of "will this matter in 5 years?" Most of the time the answer is, "No"
I have talked about wanting to always fit in and have people like me but I have been thinking about these silly things I fret over and how none of this will matter in 5 years. An example, you're at a party and someone tells you to snort a line of cocaine and you have a craving for drugs but are trying to stay sober but at the same time you want to be like everyone else, supposedly cool. PAUSE.... will these fuck heads matter in 5 years? Will I even know them 5 years from now? Will I remember their names tomorrow? Probably,no, but there are always exceptions to the rule (especially in fucking chemistry). None the less, I have found it helpful to focus on me, and what does matter, and what will affect me in 5 years.

Another key thing is...“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”-Dr.Seuss

3.A personal thing I have learned about myself is it's okay to be sexual and push the envelope because truly I like sex, I like talking about sex/sexual things and I like thinking about sex. What's not okay is to throw yourself at any person who will have you then cover it up by saying that I am just a sexual person and can't help it. Not true, you can help it. So yah, sexual but with no sex :) People might say I am a tease but seriously... whatever.

4. Lastly, I learned that life is funny, life is never what it seems to be and it never falls exactly in the plan you have set out. And, that as years pass the only constant is change. I realized this when I was talking to one of my ex boyfriends Nick, we were talking like friends... no inhibitions... no nothing. I asked him if he could ever see us getting back together, he said, "no." And I never thought I would say this because I was once so madly in love and infatuated with him but I am happier with his friendship more than a relationship and I truly have no feelings for him and don't ever see us getting back together in the future. I remember the nights I cried over him, asking, "why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Saying to myself, I will always love him." And I could've never guessed I would be totally, completely, utterly over him. I kind of consider him my first love... kind of. So it's a big thing for me to feel this way and I truly laughed and said, "wow." I was so amazed how things weren't how I ever had envisioned them. So there you go, life is funny, and I think everyone can find humor in how things have turned out whether for better or worse.

My Grandpa's death day is coming up and it has almost been a year without him, I have progressed without him. Once again life is always funny and surprising. Yet, there isn't a day that my heart doesn't find him.


Stay tuned :)

-Molly