orgasmic tears

I did something that was supposed to produce heightened blood flow, a feeling of ecstasy, and monstrous sounds. All I ended up with was a Molly in tears. Never has this happened before. As I reached a peak of exhilaration I broke down into silent tears conjured by loneliness. It hit me, when laying there in the tub with water drawing droplets on my skin, that I may be like this forever. Alone with my hand in a bathtub. I know it is a bit dramatic to come to such a conclusion at my age but I can not envision me getting out of this rut. I know they say if you think negatively then you'll get a negative outcome, but even when I think positively I still get something I am unsatisfied with. I truly felt so alone in that moment. Usually I can only cry from one eye if I am sort of sad but tonight both eyes filled like basins with tears. I just feel like I am never enough. I can look back on my last two guy endeavors and say, "something about you[Molly] was not enough." I am the glass half empty, not full. Men can't seem to commit to me without my vagina in their face. Maybe I should become a stripper, then I could have old men, young men, creeps, frat boys, maybe even a few girls drool over my naked body sliding against the pole in the limelight. I just want to be wanted. I want anyone, girl or guy, to say they want me, even if they're lying because then at least I won't have to feel the sting of the truth. I want someone to want me as much as I want them because I am tired of feeling like I am the only one that feels a crushing, deep, caring pain anymore. It's sad because you can't convince anyone to love you. And sometimes you end up pushing everyone else away because that one who rejected you. There seems to be no break in this heartwrenching cycle except the possibility, the hope that someone will love you the way you love them, the way you love yourself. Rupaul says something of the sort... "If you don't love yourself how the hell is anyone else going to." I love myself but I also hate myself at times because I keeping holding on to this image of the past Molly instead of embracing the new Molly. I constantly can't seem to forget or forgive my past mistakes and it is only bringing me down. We hold on because familiarity is blinding to the truth. Truths are hard to take. Maybe I hold on to this slutty, destructive, horrid Molly because I am afraid of growing up and doing what is right ( doing what is right never seems to be easy and I like easy ). What is your truth that you're ignoring?