Recently I've become accustomed to writing electronically on this blog or in a word document instead of in my journal or in a notebook and it is ridiculous because I feel like I am cheating writing. I am an unorthodox writer which is no big deal because nowadays most people use computers to write everything from blog post to work write ups on a computer. Nobody worries about that paper and pen shit anymore. Plus this is eco-friendly YAY! I don't care about trees, really I would just like to be able to pick up a goddamn pen and write in my journal like I used to instead of coming to this screen. I feel like an untrue writer or something.
30 minute time limit to say all I want to say. GO!
Alright I have gotten over the idea, the concept, the fantasy of me ever finding a cool guy in my life whether he be a friend or more than a friend. And until recently I had been staying away from all of them. I was free of men and their misgivings. Hallelujah.
And now I have opened a can of worms or more like a can of wasps ( a little more intimidating ). Why did I crack open this can of wasps with my bare teeth like a hillbilly? I felt attracted to someone and I thought he seemed attracted to me too and, well, I am experienced enough to know how to get some of what I want and of course so inexperienced that I get another bit of what I don't want. I guess you could say that thought though 382 miles are separating us I found a way to increase his likeness for me but of course it came with a catch. I think I must be an idiot or have a curse or something. Anywho, I got what I wanted but I suppose not in the fashion I wanted it. I'm saving the gory details for something not so public like my journal ( that's if I can actually pick it up and write in it ). And to make everything amplified like Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World ( love that movie! ) another girl comes into the picture, a friend. By the way this is in no way referencing to a ménage à trois. So now I am struggling with the whole friend situation because she talks to me like she already knows she is getting some from him the next time she sees him. And she is planning on seeing him. So, where does that leave me? Nowhere, because I never expected nor do I expect this whatever to go anywhere mainly because we are both so far away... maybe if I was back in the bay it would be different. It was always just fun and butterflies and cake and boxing... carefree talking with him. But now a part of me that likes being admired and complimented by him wants to make sure I don't get hurt if he fucks my friend. I've been the girl who gets to find out the guy she likes fucked her best friend... one of the shittiest feelings: Like an uppercut you are not fucking expecting. But I don't want to ask him or say anything to him because it is too much drama and I don't want it to seem like I am trying to control what he does. Go ahead fuck her, I am all for it... just don't tag me along to watch.
And now that I post this I am going to have to say something just in the case that someone reads this shit... though nobody actually does.
goodnight
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