I've got work in 5 hours and yet I am not sleeping (obvious). I could probably go back to sleep if I wanted to but I actually don't want to be alone in dreamworld right now. I was looking back at my last two posts and it is crazy because I don't remember it, I don't remember putting my thoughts into words. I know it sounds weird but I just had this moment where I said to myself, "oh that's how I felt." When you actually take the time to put your feelings into mere syllables and words it makes easier to remember how you felt. So, I have multiple things on my mind and I don't know where to start. I guess I'll start with tonight. Tonight I said what could be my last goodbye to someone I've grown up with and love with all my heart. He is being deployed on the 15th officially but tonight was his going away party. In a sense it was like funeral procession seeing everyone give their last goodbyes one right after the other, coming back for one more hug or even just a look. I think I hugged him 5 times and kissed him 2 because no matter how distant he has been these past 3 years I will always love him as if he was my second brother. For a while when Scott was in his annoying, pre teen, pick on Molly phase and Cody was my "only" brother. It feels like time has been wasted, that I have missed him growing up and he has missed me. I mean after he turned 21 I only heard about what he was doing but not actually seeing it because he was growing up. He left the house, worked an insane amount of hours being an EMT, had his own friends instead of just his family friends. And I don't despise him for it because I think that's what happens as you grow older, you start to create your own life. Since I am younger than him I was able to watch instead of participate. When I was saying goodbye to him tonight he was very drunk with love, jello shots, and pabst. All he could repeat to me was, "thank you for coming and try and be a little less liberal miss San Francisco." I laughed and smiled despite that being the only thing he remembered. I guess all I am saying is I wish we had spent more time together though I don't think it would've been possible. I love him none the less and all the more. I suppose it doesn't matter how long you are not directly in someones life as long as you have a connection. Second on the chopping block... What do you do when you've made a secret mistake? A mistake no one will ever know about unless you tell them. Do you fess up or keep it hidden? If you keep it hidden then you save everyone a lot of pain and disgruntlement instead of pouring alcohol on the sore. But at the same time you are kind of lying by not telling them. I've been battling this idea for about a week or so now and I don't know what to do...fucking ruin everything that is and could be or keep my trap shut and pretend it didn't happen? My head says"Molly shut the fuck up," and my heart says "tell the truth." I wish I had a time machine to go back and erase this shit. And see I've made this mistake before, I am committing insanity here and I still haven't learned. Now as a detour I was looking at this guy Grady Brannan's Tumblr ( which is amazing by the way) and there was a little pearl of wisdom that made a bell go off somewhere in my head. It said something like, " the biggest mistake you can make is being afraid of making mistakes." I have been afraid all along because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to make the right decision. Thing is why does there have to be a right or wrong decisions, maybe there isn't, maybe it is all just choices. Fuck. Choices...Do I choose to make everyday from now on different and never let that happen again... Do I choose to deal with my consequences... Do I choose to let myself have my cake and eat it too? There is no right or wrong just choices and consequences. I guess you decide which consequence you would rather live with and then from there you choose your decision. :/