Things right now aren't ideal, yet I am still happy. I am happy because I have come to terms with things, I have abandoned my anxiety about everything going wrong and thrown it out the window. It's easy to know when you're making the right decision. If you have the slightest stomach ache about something in your life then you probably need to take an extra second and consider things. I have done exactly that and now I feel so much better about what lays ahead. Yes, I have my manic ups and downs but this feeling is becoming a bit more permanent by each minute that ticks away.
I look out at my window and attempt to place the images in my mind, in certain nooks and crannies, in hopes that they will stay and not fade away because right now I am almost 90% sure that I am not coming back to SF state next year. My two friends Jessica and Jenn had decided to leave SF state and when they told me I really couldn't understand. Of course everyone has their own reasons, but still I thought they were cowards for leaving (sorry guys keep reading, I love you so much) and now I understand why they left. I love San Francisco, I love how when it rains downtown the lights reflect off the street puddles, I love the tall buildings, I love the places that don't card, I love all the parades and events that seriously go on about every weekend, I love the people in SF, I love the culture, I love all the museums, I love how the rain still makes it green even though it's a metropolitan city, I love San Francisco and I will miss it once I am gone. I might come back, who knows. Anywho, I realized that I don't see myself here next year,I don't see myself trying to pretend that this is where I want or need to be. I came to SF state as a biology major with hopes of one day going to medical school and now I am so utterly confused about what I am even doing with my life. And everyone keeps telling me that not knowing is totally, okay. But, being a person who loves control and who loves to try and control the things that are uncontrollable, the future/unknown freaks me out. I only get to go to college once and I have experienced a tiny bit of college and now I realize I need to go back to the drawing boards so that I can figure my shit out. San Francisco is an expensive city in all aspects and because of lack of money and my own transportation it stops me from doing some of the things I would like to do. You may say these are just excuses, and maybe you're right but I will call them my reasons. I see people at SF state who balance a full time job, 16 units and fun times. I wish I could be like that, and I can because when I have a clear state of mind I can multitask and get my shit done. Basically by going home I will be saving my parents money, I can volunteer at the J.F. Shea Center, I can get a job and baby, I can drive my car. My brother said, "Molly, you can do those things up here too." But truly I can't. I have so many dreams and ambitions but I am just unsure where my path lies. I want to volunteer at the Santa Ana Hospital which has the biggest trauma center in California (I am almost sure) so I can get experience in a hospital setting to see if pre-med is what I really want to devote my time to. I can't do this during the summer because of time constraints. I could volunteer at UCSF but it takes muni bucks and time that I don't have. Driving really does cut down the time compared to the muni when going to some places. I want to volunteer at the J.F. Shea Center more and see if hippotherapy is something that I could replicate in a future program that is similar to the Shea Center (look up J.F. Shea Center...quite amazing). I also want to start a program in Capo Unified School District that gives kids the knowledge about mental health disorders and the resources to get help with them. I want to work at Family Member Veterinary Hospital or another vet hospital in the area as a technicians assistant to see if veterinary medicine would be something I would want to also do. I also want to start creating short films/stop motion films/take film production classes/animation classes. I have many passions (helping people, horses, art, mental health disorders, animals, film, etc.) And truly if I go home I believe I will be able to get some experience in all these fields and have a better clue about what who I am and what I want to do. I have gotten some guidance from friends and they say do what you need to do, don't hesitate, just do it, live your dreams. My friend Casey is the biggest dreamer, and he's not the only one. I am going to take a year to get my head clear, get experience, and make my dreams a reality. I am not going to need luck, just perseverance. I know I can be amazing and make a change in this world and I am not going to let my fear of failing stop me. Never before have things been so clear to me. I know people might not understand, they will say I will regret it, they might even call me a coward. I know there will be people supporting me along the way and also people throwing stones at me and that's fine. People get jealous and try to hold you back to their level because they are fearful that you will actually accomplish what you're promising.
One last thing.
I have gotten so tired of trying to fit in with people that don't really appreciate me...so much that I have come to the conclusion of saying, "fuck 'em." This world is cruel and beautiful and I am not afraid of the cruel but I wont let it stop me from seeing the beautiful. We are born selfish and inconsiderate. ME ME ME. Some of us never trade in these qualities for better ones. I have realized that I am loved by only the people who really matter in my life. But I do warn you that anger, fear, envy and hate can allow you to make decisions and assumptions in haste. Be careful but also don't hang around people who aren't worth your time and love.
Hope this was semi interesting and not too annoying. Even if it was, oh well :)
another goal is to get some of my writing published.
Much love to the dreamers and believers
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