Untitled for a reason

I am afraid. I am afraid of a lot of things. I am afraid of... 1.being compared to others and not being enough even though I know I have great qualities to offer. 2.it not being reciprocated. 3.putting all my feelings in one basket. 4.feeling too much. 5.being the person who cares more. 6.not being able to make people understand "why", even though it shouldn't matter if they get it or not. 7.having shallow sex. 8.people reading this and not understanding it, so instead they make up their own assumptions. (the risk you take with a blog) 9.telling people that I have failed, again. 10.having all these fears destroy everything. 11.being too sensitive. 12.not being best friends. 13.being lead on and then not realizing it. 14.the truth being too much. 15.being too afraid to enjoy anything. So why does this all matter? I think a lot of people including myself have fears that we don't confront because if we do run at them head on we have the risk of not conquering them at all. Some say that to try and face your fears is enough...I think this is true. Anywho, I wanted to write about the fear of feelings. If you're like me then everything and every emotion is like a cascade of water from the Hoover Dam that sometimes demolishes you. Lately, my feelings have been haywire. My feelings have been happy, infatuatious, jovial and all that other good crap. Unfortunately, this upbeat feeling is very unnatural to me and because I am always on the edge waiting for the leaning tower of feelings to fall. Why am I lucky? Am I so lucky that it is destined to not work out? Is it too good to be true? I am afraid of the end...the end of my days living under my parents constant advice and support, the end of my life as a kid, the end of my relationships, even the end of my life on Earth. It is as if I can't enjoy the moment for what it is because I am too stuck on looking forward and preparing for what could be devastation. I have been trying to work on this though. That's what I try and do most, prepare and control. Being in control doesn't always work out for the best either. Nature is natural, it has no specific agenda but to be. I want to be like nature. I don't want to think about anything but the now. Second topic I have been fretting over is shallow sex. As I have said in past blogs my life for a while was all about sex and when I was going to get my next high(sex was kind of a high/addiction too). I mean my sexual tendencies arose for a lot of reasons but one of them is because I thought I needed it. When you are addicted to something you think you have to have it or life won't be good or you won't be able to function. All you need is water,air,food and love. I thought that sex equaled love. I needed people to love me because I didn't love myself. I think back to my old relationships and see that my truest relationship led to a breakup that sucked so much because I thought I needed him. I thought no one will want me for who I am but him. I was very wrong, but it took me a while to figure it out. With this new endeavor I have been taking on I have been comparing it to some of my past flings and relationships and it is completely different. I think a big reason it is so different is because I don't need him and he doesn't need me. I just want him. When you need people and they leave you, you are left with what feels like nothing because you have invested so much want into that one thing or person and now it is gone. Yes I would still be a bit disheartened if things ended despite me only wanting him instead of needing him but that's because I care. I always care the most for some reason. And I swear I am getting to how this all relates to shallow sex...basically I have been thinking about what is going on between me and this guy and last night I thought, "Why haven't we had sex yet?""Does he not want to have sex with me?" And, because of my past habits I thought that the way he would show me he liked me was by having sex. I quickly shook myself free of this idea and said to myself, "you is fucking cray gurl!" Just kidding, I didn't say that at first but I should've! I mean regardless of whether he likes me enough to eventually start a relationships is irrelevant because what I realized is that I was gauging our "like" on sex. Some people don't have sex till marriage, so I guess that means they don't love each other till their wedding night, right? Yeah... this idea of sex equaling love does not make any fucking sense. People care/love someone before sex...sex is just an added experience that just makes love more awesome. Point is, is that I am tired of shallow sex. The next time I have sex I want it to mean something more than someone sticking their American sausage in my english McMuffin. :)