A week of disappointing news.

This week, this month, has been overloaded with disappointing news and it has within the past 48 hours only gotten worse.

It is odd because just a month ago I felt on top of the world with an internship in hand, a job landed and dreams that needed to be tended to. Here I am now upset, devastated, distraught, discouraged and all together just ready to give up. For fuck sake I haven't really created anything in so long.

I feel empty like a tomb.
No ideas.
No hope.
No vacancy
No time.

I found out that my best friends mom, who I consider my second mom, most likely had her hip broken by a tumor. About 5 years ago she was diagnosed with GBM, a very debilitating type of brain cancer. This tumor or mass in her hip is not the GBM but as a result of her chemo and radiation treatments for her GBM it has made her more susceptible to getting cancer. And now after all this time of happiness and good health she is back in the hospital, in pain, possibly with more cancer.

My other second mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a month ago and had a double mastectomy. She had to have reconstructive surgery and does not have any feeling in her new breasts. We found out their dog died today. I loved Radar. As if the breast cancer wasn't enough.

Cancer took my grandfather away from me a year ago in May.

Cancer. Cancer. Cancer.
Death. Death. Death.

It has been a constant fucking reminder like a bird chirping in my ear saying, "life is not everlasting," or "life isn't fair."

I want to squish that fucking bird.

I remember when my grammie got breast cancer. I was young when it happened and at that point, to me it didn't even seem that prevalent (probably because my young age). And now it seems like no matter what age you are, you are at risk of getting cancer.

All I can think about is when will I have to endure another death in my family like my grandfathers because though not blood related both those women are just as close to me as any relative. I think of how I will react when I get the news or where I will be. I know...morbid. But I figured out this is how I brace myself for the reality of the situation. This is how I prepare myself for the worst. I find it nearly impossible at times to think positive because I don't believe in miracles, I don't believe God is listening to my good thoughts, I don't believe that I can do anything to help. But it is funny because I find that a positive attitude is key to getting through most things, even illnesses, not because it has magical powers but because of its biological powers. Somehow I find cancer so deafening to life that any positiveness is just drowned out immediately, regardless.


And to add to it all I have been so busy and out of sync that I haven't been writing, painting, or photographing anything. I made a schedule hoping to get on track with this creative stuff. I am going to try and turn my negatives into positives. I am going to try and workout too.


But mostly in all this pain and sadness, I feel alone. I wish there were people outside to comfort me or to tell me it will all be okay.