live fast

Everything is a mere reagent to the product that will affect me later. I want to be happy and complete now, not later. Besides you never know if you will get a later. I feel as if I am putting everything off to the side in order to prepare for later. I like instant gratification. The only instant gratification that I grant myself is sex. And even now I am getting no sex because I've chosen to save that for later. FUCK. Just when I think I have it all figured out life suddenly becomes a complete mess all over again. You know you read those stories of the people who abandon their so called lives and give everything up just to live boundless for instant. They jump on a train with only a 100 bucks and a hope that they will find something more worthwhile in this world compared to the monotony that they experience now. I go to school so that one day I can get a job. I work now to have money for later. I abstain from sex so that I don't go crazy later. I cry now so that I feel rejuvenated later. As you can see there are "nows" but they are only there to produce the laters. I wish I could just fucking throw it all away and just do everything now. Why does there have to be all this prerequisite shit? Oh yeah... that's because that is the way the world works. This procrastination to pleasure is making me feel like I have no life of my own... it is just a life I am trying to make for my FUTURE self instead of my NOW self. I understand that hard work produces rewards and that things don't just pop out of thin air and land on your doorstep ( except for Harry Potter ). But, I am so tired of living this life for someone who isn't even here yet ( the future Me ). I want to make a list of all the things I want to do NOW instead of later. It isn't rushing life, it is running right beside life. Maybe I'll make a list... or maybe I'll just wait till Thursday to talk about all of this in therapy.