The start of an end.

Here I am and it's almost the end. I have two more finals to go and then I leave San Francisco on Sunday. It will be the end of a journey and yet the starting of a new one. One right after the other. I have to say I haven't been this excited since I knew I was coming to San Francisco in the first place for college and now I am so freaking elated to be leaving. Don't get me wrong, San Francisco has taught me so much, things that I would have never experienced and learned if I would have stayed in Mission Viejo. San Francisco is alive in beauty, culture, life and just spectacularness! I will miss San Francisco but I have to leave, it's that gut feeling that's confirming that I am right and that this decision is right for me. A part of me will stay here buried deep somewhere, probably in Stern Grove :)

Over the past few weeks I have been reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion which is about the year leading up to her husband's death and the time she spends grieving afterwards. I decided to read it after I saw Michelle Williams talking about it and how she read it after Heath Ledger's death. My grandpa passed away last year and it was a dark time for a while.

Joan Didion's novel is poignant mainly because of her cyclic, somewhat drawn out, first hand account of her husband's death. I say cyclic because the book can get very boring and repetitive at times for someone who has never experienced the loss of someone close to them. For those who have experienced that kind of loss you are able to understand and go through the motions with her.
That is what it feels like when someone like that passes, time starts going on without you. You stay stagnant in your grief while life just passes you by. You can't seem to get yourself out of bed, yet the world goes on, the sun still rises and falls without you.

Didion repeats in her mind the phrase, And then--gone.
This happened, that happened and then gone. Things can go prematurely with no warning, some things die slowly, both are considerably painful but the most painful is the fact that everything dies, everything goes. The fact of life, the circle of life, but fortunately yet maybe unfortunately we never know when.

And then--gone.

My point is I don't want to waste anymore time trying to be something or someone I am not. I am now in attempts to try and take on film, cinema, screenwriting and it's not going to be easy. Nothing ever is easy. I know I have a lot of passion and I know I can do it and make it amazing whether given the chance or not. I am just a bit nervous because I have seen friends put so much work/passion/drive into something and still fail. I know failure is part of the game and that you have to keep going, keep trying and pushing. I don't want to forget all this and hopefully I won't especially since this is where the fire live, the passion, the monster :)

plus you never know when

And then--gone.

That's why you must live the way you want to live everyday. Make the most of it.