gold

It's almost 2 a.m. and I am up, thinking, reeling, and of course as you can tell, not sleeping. I could sleep but I know it will take about an hour for me to actually close my eyes, clear my mind and just sleep. So, why not write and not sleep for lack of exciting dreams and having too much shit on my mind.

so here goes nothing but babbling and ranting.

This past weekend was great, amazing, wondrous and filled with golden, illuminating specs that made everything taste sweeter and richer. I was wandering around SF state with some friends while being ehemmm cough under some influence. I wandered into the forests of SF state only to find that the jungle leaves glowed beneath the cold lamppost's wavering eye. The leaves could've turned into gold butterflies that would've danced beneath the night sky. It was picturesque to say the least. Everything was more beautiful than it ever seemed to be. Most things do appear to be more pretty at night to me. Maybe its how light plays on the darkness or maybe it's the silence. Anywho I know what the word golden meant after that night.

Golden- to be pure, free from any inhibitions such as worries, pains, mistakes, hatred. All you feel is this spotless love that radiates from the golden glow as it infects your limbs, making you want to dance. You marvel silently at things that you never imagined could be.


It might all sound stupid or hard to believe but for some reason I wish everything was dowsed with gold light. Maybe it is and I am just not looking hard enough. Stay golden ponyboy.


So, that was Friday and then there was Saturday where the gold streak continued. Saturday I felt comfortable in my own skin... like I could move around without holding my breath in fear that I would make a sound, indicating that I was unsure of myself. My body and mind were sound as I bathed in the tranquility of knowing myself. I didn't have to pretend. I was held that night like there was some affection, some spark. Maybe that's what brought the mojo back or maybe it was the drunkeness or the gold. I don't know.

I only mention these things because they're oddities for me. I don't typically feel like myself or that I can be like my true self and I have never been able to marvel at my lack of inhibitions and my magnitude of love.


Maybe I am growing and finally putting some of my tools to work. Maybe I am creating a mansion of security that will occupy my life forever. So many maybes where only time will tell.

And though my weekend was great there was other things that are worth pondering.

A new breakthrough in my life has been saying..."fuck it, if you don't like [insert: this, that or me] then, fuck you I am moving on."
In the past, me, being indifferent has caused me bruises, pains and lesions because I would disregard things that had really mattered. For example, one night I would be upset about something and drinking my sorrows away because I took the stance of "fuck it" and I would consequently end up throwing up my guts and feeling lower than low (you might be thinking that this is every typical bad night of drinking for someone, but for me I suppose it's a bit different because the degrees of my lows and how long it takes for me to get out of them). And now I feel more cautious and analytical before I say fuck it. Maybe that is the big difference, the fact that it's not so impulsive. But, not until literally last week and this weekend have I ever been so sure about who I was, where I am going, how I feel, and what I want to do. Therefore all my "fuck its" had no repercussions of feeling like a dead rat in a gutter. Once again, very surprising. I, by nature, am impulsive and silly. I do things that I regret and that fucking suck. But, this time I am here writing a blog saying I couldn't be happier with the choices I made. I guess it boils down to the fact that I am down-right tired of trying to.......

please others

please myself based on things that are unpleasing to me

find a good guy to be in relationship with (I'd rather just find a good guy)

be somebody I am not

know everything and control everything

try

sort out the drama and make it all better

figure out why I do most things wrong which then leads me to wallowing in my own grief

be happy all the time

justify my actions

get you to love me


Basically you get tired of trying to do things that should come naturally. Of course most things in life take work and a lot of it, but I suppose there are things that to that individual person aren't worth the work. When I say, "find a good guy to be in a relationship with," I mean that I am fucking tired of either A. trying to make things work with a douche bag. B. trying to fix the things I have done wrong in a relationship. C. trying to find someone who connects on my level D. trying to make someone love me (which by the way is of course, impossible (I am talking about the 'make' part not the 'love me' part).

I am not saying I give up on all these things but at some point you realize that this or that doesn't really matter or that you really don't need to be doing this or that all these things will come in good time.
I am saying it's okay to be happy with things not being perfect and immaculate. Wow. I guess that just hit me right now cause I don't think I have ever really known that.

I was telling Maddy that the reason why I get so worked up over things is because I feel like I have made so many mistakes already in my past that I have already filled up my score card and that I am not allowed to have anymore fuckups. So, when I do fuck up, my world crashes and crumbles and I beat myself up because I don't want to go backwards. But what I am realizing is that to accept, and maybe sometimes make better is to move forward in life. Trying to fix the things that cannot be fixed because they're done is like fucking for your virginity. Maybe if I let go of this need for perfection then I can finally be free from the things that bind me to my past.

:) wow again.