Today is my day

Today is the day, possibly, since I can't remember if the christmas party was yesterday today or tomorrow.

I have been sober for a year. A year. 364 days. Can you imagine? It is like having an itch you can't scratch cause you know if you do your skin will just fall apart cell by cell. It's like handcuffing yourself to a chair, willingly, while snakes parade around your body waiting to bite you. It is this overwhelming feeling of want, of need, of desire. Lust for the bad even though in that moment it feels oh so good. It's is like wearing a blinking sign around your neck that says, "I am out of control. I cannot manage my life. I therefore have to bar myself of bars."

It is incredibly difficult to say "No" when all you want to do is say, "yes."

Do you know what it is like to admit to yourself that you're incapable of managing your disease, your problems, your own sanity?

I don't know. It is hard to accurately describe this weight that you carry around each day as friends and family encourage you to drink. They wave it in your face, never knowing the struggles you have faced. But, that is the way it is. No one is ever going to understand fully because it is a personal situation. This is why you have to be good to yourself and have the courage to say, "No," despite everything they will never understand.

The want to be sober arrived after going to a christmas party with this guy I liked. He is straightedge, and in my eyes, was so cool. My feelings for him at that point were irrevocable. Anywho, we went to this christmas party and I got drunk while of course he stayed sober. I tried to slurp down any drink I could, even if it wasn't mine. I remember taking a martini glass and asking him if it was mine, I drank it regardless of his answer. We went to his house and I was very drunk. I fell asleep in his arms immediately. I woke up not remembering much. How typical. I drove home feeling like such a fucking stupid drunk whore. He stayed sober and was completely himself while I tried to drown my insanity over what we were or weren't with boozes.

He made me want to change. He made me want to be myself. He made me want to be like him. Strong in his conviction.

And, since that party I have been sober. There was a moment where I slipped up and had drinks at a party with this pretentious screenwriter. Needless to say he didn't start talking to me until I had a few drinks in me. Jackass. At least he shelled out his credit card for it.

The reason why I say I have been sober for a year is because that night was just one night, and though I made this promise to myself based on a time frame, it became much more than a number of days. It evolved into this commitment to myself and to no one else. It wasn't about the days. It was about the strength I used during that next day to stay sober.

So here I am. Another day of sobriety under my belt. Has my life changed? Drastically.

No longer am I having sex without the ability to say no. No longer am I physically abusing my boyfriends. No longer am I waking up to vomit on my sheets. No longer am I throwing up on myself during muni rides or having friends carry me home because I am too wasted to walk. No longer am I ruining friendships with my best friends just because I am a drunk idiot who says hurtful things. No longer am I cutting myself, mixing drugs, having severe lows. No longer am I pretending to be happy when I am clearly not.

Sobriety has brought me a brighter world. Not an easy world. But, certainly a world I can bear to live in.

My hope is to continue living soberly for as long as I can, but I find that even harder to imagine as my promise to myself is over and the want to fit in is still extremely overwhelming. I plan on going to AA meetings again and hopefully meeting more sober people. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but at least today I am sober.

Believe in me. This road is tough. One day at a time.

Where am I?

Thing have been really good, pretty weird, kind of low at times and really stressful. It hasn't been good, it hasn't been bad. And at this moment I feel empty, like some switch has turned me off, darkened to the point where everything inside and out is this black hole. I can't see where I am going and I can't see what's coming for me.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to have to try a new pill cocktail.

I feel so confused about my feelings for people.

It's fine, it really is. I just feel kind of lost in my own head.

I am going to make a list of things I need to do in order to change things around, unfortunately all these things I will be doing probably won't have any effect on deciding where to put my feelings.

breathe molly.

meep

Well compared to my last few post I am not crying as much which is good.

Anywho I wanted to write this post so I could get some relief from my worries and thoughts but really all these thoughts are just chilling, they aren't even moving. They aren't bouncing off the walls making me crazy. I just feel numb. The only way to deal with some things is to not care. I might take back that statement later.

So what's bothering me? What's new?

I am using sex to heal my pain instead of alcohol/drugs/self mutilation and I don't give a fuck.

I feel like everything between me and this guy was just an empty lie, and he didn't even know it.

My friend is back in jail and he is treating it like it's nothing, which is really frustrating because why the fuck did I care so much about you when you didn't even care about yourself?

My aunt is crazy and I think suicidal. She doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself. I care, but I don't care.

Things I have learned...

Nothing works out the way you want it to.

Sometimes it is best to walk away and forget everything.

People are shitty and self centered.

The people you are in love with now will not be the people you are in love with in 5 years. If you find someone you still love after many many years then they are the real keepers.

I am bi and am really attracted to I think all of straight edge mankind (yes, that's an over exaggeration but whatever)

I'd rather dream and fuck than deal.

Nobody comes riding in on a white horse to love you and save you. If they do, keep them. Love isn't a fairytale.

I love being sober.

i will for you my love

I am human. I am so flawed. I am difficult.

but I pour so much love into the people in my life that it is easy to get disappointed.

This isn't insanity on my part, it is a series of disheartening events from you.

It is people leaving. People finding someone else. People giving up.

And how am I supposed to stretch out my neck for you anymore? How am I supposed to talk highly of your progress in life when all you do is cut me down?

I don't need to cut myself,

you make me bleed.

sigh

I am so tired of crying.

Crying cause I am sad. Crying cause I am happy. Wild Rivers on my eyes.

I don't have a lot to say or much direction after everything that has gone down this weekend.

I feel like I am waiting or just stagnant, but not stagnant in a bad way. If we keep arguing and trying to fix things and break things and then fix them all over again does that mean something? Is that better than throwing in the towel? I honestly thought it would be easy or better to walk away. And 24 hours later I felt like wolverine's claw had ripped through my insides. It was bleeding and I couldn't stop it. Leaking, soaking, tainting the rest like a toxic substance that killed by the touch. I couldn't deal. And then I tried to go back, and then KABOOM.

I feel wrong for trying to set the fire, but when you said it, it was as if you wanted me to be with someone else, to already have other relations going on with people. So I went for it. I regret. It was stupid, I was stupid. One of those girlish moments where you feel so self righteous that someone deserves pain on your behalf.

I will say, no matter how fucked this is, it was nice to hear you mad. I was waiting for you to fight, to say you didn't want me with anyone else no matter how selfish that is. The anger in your voice excited me, made me laugh, made me cringe, made me want to try and fight you. It is one of those sadistic things. Also, my love of drama. Though, I will say that it frightened me and I never want to see you that mad in person.

But in the end we talked. There was no conclusion, but I am glad we talked. I believe you will always be there. I don't think you know but that's a trait I've always thought I possessed. My friends could call me, friends I don't talk to and I would help them and listen. I guess I keep hoping that someone will do the same for me.

It's hard to have these solid people in your life walk away and change. I can't even remember how many times this has happened whether it be with friends or just guys. It's hard to shake that feeling that no one will stay.

I'll try and relax and not expect anything. It's the least I can do.

tears build my path

Sometimes it is the last straw. Sometimes you can't take anymore. Sometimes you have to take a step back, turn around and walk away. You have broken off every piece of yourself and tried to reconstruct this image of what you want, who you hope to be and then this wrecking ball swings in and destroys everything you have built.

This rubble just lays there, staring back at you. Was it all a mistake? A waste of time? Is this the right path?

I guess I don't have the answers, but I know it is not the time to give up. Yes, I am giving in, accepting what is, but I am not looking back. I am going to do what I want to do, be around the people who want to love me and never look back.

I might shed a tear and need some people to hold me up, but I'd rather fall and get up then fall and give up.

sobriety

It has almost been a year. I've been sober for almost a year coming this December. I will elaborate more on my experience in December, but there is something I want to say now.

Whether you've been sober for a week or a year or 25 years, time is irrelevant, what matters is the fact that you're trying to change your life.

I am not saying that those who choose the sober life are superior to those who do not choose that path, because some people who don't have a problem with alcohol don't need to change their ways. But, for addicts, deciding to live soberly is the hardest, yet also the greatest first step you take towards changing your life.

That being said, I don't know if I will be sober another year from now, but today I am sober and that is all that matters. One day at a time.


And, honestly the thought of abstaining from alcohol and drugs for the rest of my life is a beautiful prospect that I might want to take on.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

today is a day for tears.

I was upset today. The morning started off great as I drove my neighbor to her 5th grade writing summer class and then it snowballed to a shit show from there. I became angry, frustrated and fed up.

It was one of those moments where you just want to cut the strings to all the "bad" things in your life. I kept telling myself I was done trying and that anything was really nothing and that everything was in no way salvageable.

I cried a lot today. I cried driving to therapy. I cried in therapy. I cried driving home from therapy. I cried while watching Intervention. I cried a few minutes ago.

My head hurts from holding back as many tears as I could.

I don't like to seem as if I am affected by the going-ons in my life. I like to seem strong and impervious to pain.

And as I opened old wounds today I realized I was hardening my heart to everything just so that I wouldn't feel pain or disappointment.

I ended up opening my heart in therapy, feeling the sting of built up hatred and anger. I let myself feel it. That's why I cried, the tears were my pain being released. My sobs were my voice becoming clearer and forgiving.

I'm not fixed and I am a work in progress, and today I took a baby step by relinquishing myself to the painful truth of reality.

I said goodbye to my best friend. I wished her well and told her I loved her.

And, maybe it is not goodbye, maybe our paths will reconvene at some point. It's all I can wish for. She has to take her own journey as I must take mine, but love never dies and neither do the memories I have had with her.

It's funny you know, these days when I feel broken and dilapidated I get reassurance that I am loved and that there is hope.

I received a letter from my friend Jared who is currently incarcerated and he told me a very inspiring story that made me tear up because it was so beautiful. I'll ask him if I can share it, in fact it might be on the internet.

Anywho, I wanted to say that everything isn't fixable
some things end because it's fate
if you really love someone the love never dies
the little things hurt but aren't the end of the world
and there is always a silver lining.

Also, don't be afraid to cry.

M.

I've breached this subject before, but I am doing it again because this blog is for me, to express my thoughts to you, to help me deal.

I never thought I'd be looking back asking myself how I lost my best friend. Yes, things have changed, we both have changed, grown and receded. I remember thinking in high school that this girl was my best friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my friend who I could sing Disney songs with at the top of my lungs. I thought even with life's curveballs we would always be friends, forever.

Now, I look at her pictures on facebook and hear things about her through mutual friends and I say to myself, "I don't know this person." It's a hard thing to believe you know a person only to find out they are or have chosen to be nothing like what they were. Some people improve for the best, but I honestly don't know if I can say that about her. Then again maybe it's not my place to judge her good or bad, maybe growth doesn't have a dual conscience. Maybe I am wrong and I am the one who failed. I don't know.

I'd like to think she's happy. In her pictures she looks happy, but looks can be deceiving. I just don't understand how one person can be a certain way all their life and then suddenly, with a flip of a switch, be the complete opposite. Are they pretending now or have they been pretending up until this point? Maybe we are just too different to get along now.

I don't have the answers, but it makes me sad to live my life without her.

The simple solution would be to become friends again after our falling out, but I don't want to be friends with the new her, I want my old best friend back.

Your love is like, a Rollercoaster baby

So some of my relationships are roller coaster rides.

"Your love is like, a Rollercoaster baby, baby
I wanna ride yeah"- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Maybe all relationships are filled with loops, corkscrews, twists and moments that just make you wanna throw up. I don't know about yours, but mine certainly are.

Though my relationships with people can be dizzying and sickening they can also be exhilarating and fun.

I saw the movie Ruby Sparks tonight which was written by Zoe Kazan. Fuck yeah, female writers rock!!!!! Plus, she starred in the film and was simply fabulous!

Shit where was I going with this?

Anywho, go see the movie!

Oh now I remember...I thought to myself, "Why can't I have a romance like the ones in the movies." "Do these sweet, fun-loving, quirky, spontaneous relationships exist outside of Hollywood sets?" I'd like to believe so.

Though, my romances are closer to the horror genre than the lovey dovey comedy romance one.

One of my all time favorite movies, 2 Days in Paris, in short it is about a french woman in love. In the movie you see the hardships with her boyfriend, a cynical, ridiculous, lovely pain in the ass. Think of him as the 2nd time you had anal; feels good, but still kind of hurts.

Anywho, you see everything they go through and they are in constant arguments that end in playful jokes and kisses.

In the end the river cards are seen. I don't want to spoil anything so please just go watch it.

So, even though my relationships with peoples aren't like the ones in the movies, in some I see that I am helping the other person grow and they are helping me do the same. That's what every relationship needs, someone to help you grow because life isn't perfect, we aren't perfect and love is fucking flawed as shit. Life is a journey and progression. In my mind there is no finish line, just the continuation of growing and helping others spread their branches to the sky.

So...

"Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses." - 2 Days in Paris

My own sentiment. You've helped me grow and I think I've helped you a bit too, that's why I don't want to let go. You make me better.

21st century love

I've heard so many things about love and relationships. I could write a book with all that I've ever been told, but the book on what I actually know about love and relationships would be a very small picture book with phrases starting out with, "I think..."

The love I've experienced is not like the movies I watch, not like the novels I read and not even close to how everyone tells me it is supposed to be.

I just don't know what to do.

I sometimes think it would be better if I could go back to a time when love was simpler. When you married cause you had to and not cause you wanted to. When marriages were arranged. When there was no texting or tumblr or facebook as the main means to communicate with your love.

I want to go back to when people wrote letters, and came to your door with flowers before the date, and who met your parents the very first night they took you out.

May be I am just silly and getting worried about nothing, but I think pure love between two people is a dying art.

No one can say "I love you," without sending it in a text first.

No one can have a stable relationship till they declare it on facebook.

No one feels loved unless their pictures on instagram and their statuses are all filled with their lover's name and face.

I don't know what love looks like between me and another individual, but I do want it to be so much more than what I see, what I hear and the little that I know.

hours later with a reprise

I still believe what I said in the earlier post, but don't forget circumstances because if you do then you're screwed.

Cryptic? A bit?

That's okay. Just don't forget what you want nor what you can't have.

The Greatest Thing

You've seen the movie Moulin Rouge, right?

Christian, an anguished romantic says the infamous line, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

Love, relationships, sex, lust, and everything else in that realm has always been a never ending throbbing headache for me. Still is.

Anywho, "what is love?"

From Merriam-Webster Dictionary online:

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

"Oh baby don't hurt me no more."

Although love seems to be easily defined in the dictionary in reality it can take on many different definitions and actions.

LOVE:

Love thy neighbor.
Loving your grandparents.
Making love to your best friend.
A woman loving another woman.
Returning someones wallet to them.
Taking your dog for a walk.
Saving yourself till marriage.
Love for Yaweh, Allah, Shiva.
Loving yourself.

Love is endless, love makes the world go round.

and as Shakespeare says, "Love sought is good, but given unsought is better." Twelfth Night – Act 3, Scene 1

All my young life I've looked for love, looked for someone to love me back. I'd be pushed into a depression when people rejected me. I'd ask myself "why wasn't I good enough?"

But within the past 24 hours I came to this conclusion: Just to love is good enough.

If I stop focusing on whether or not someone loves me back or not then I'll be golden. I won't feel dejected, ever, because I will not be searching nor wanting their stamp of love.

To love is one of the greatest qualities the human race is equipped with, and especially with our ability to quantify and qualify it in so many ways, well, that just makes us extra lucky.

So for now I love without expecting anything back. Maybe one day my priorities will change, but for now the feeling of fullness I get from caring about people is enough.

And I don't know any other way to explain this, but it is similar to how at christmas you should give presents and not expect to get one back because you receive enough joy and fulfillment out of just giving your love.

The end. love you.

the answers to the questions we all ask

What do you do when you're afraid of losing someone, a different someone all over again?

What do you do when you are afraid of letting everyone down, even though you're trying to do what's right for you?

What do you do when you want something so bad, but you know it's toxic?

What do you do?



-once I find some sort of resolution to all these questions I'll let you know, but for now feel free to answer with your own wisdom.

My updated life status: utterly torn and confused.

where's my sign? Thank GOD nothing showed up.

"But your soul you must keep, totally free"


If you're burdened by your thoughts.
Waiting for a sign to save you.
Your blood churns in disgust.
If only the world would work out in your favor.
Life is just too hard for the sober minded.
Wasting a life each time the sun rises
Wishing you were dead so you could waste away all time.
Then you'll wake and realize you've been drowning in a disguise.
No one is going to show you any of this.
You must earn it all yourself.
Stop your complaints, don't be happy, I don't care.
Just finish it.
Be armored.
No one can hurt you.
Drink life as if you were forever thirsty.

"Hope? I heard that girl is a bitch."

Do you ever have so much hope that it turns out to be a bad thing?

Well I do. I have too much hope in things that hold no promise whether it be lifestyle choices, men, my job, etc. When am I going to start living my life and leave all these things behind?

I invest so much of my hope in the past because I think it holds my future.

The truth is that all that matters is the present. This moment. Now.

My catharsis starts now.

But, one last question. Am I still holding on because of hope or because there's still something worthwhile in these things?

I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no.
I am honestly probably the worst person to judge a situation like that.

I guess I can't wait forever for things to change.

Time to move on.
Goodbye Hope.

Fifty Shades of Fucked Up: unmasked and whipped

Well, I just finished Fifty Shades Darker by E L James. If you don't know already, the trilogy of The Fifty Shades of Grey novels are about the erotic and kinky relationships that spurs between Ana Steele and Christian Grey.

The novels were written as a fanfic for Twilight. Fan fiction is where fans continue the stories of characters such as Bella and Edward or Ron and Hermione or even Hermione and Ginny in a sexually exploited way.

I found Fifty Shades of Grey and the sequel, Fifty Shades Darker to be compelling, yet greatly disappointing.

Besides the fact that it was Twilight all over again just with different names, scenarios and characters, it was disgusting how self deprecating Ana, our protagonist, is and how misleading it is of the world of BDSM.

I'll admit when I first read Twilight while sitting in the hallways of high school, ignoring my hot boyfriend and secretly hoping for a SoCal Edward to appear, I was over the moon about the book. I was a Twihard. Team Edward all the way. Someone please take me to Forks, Washington.

Anywho, I suppose reading this new rendition of the Twilight story and characters under the name of Fifty Shades of Grey, only drove my thought of hatred and disgust further.

The novel's protagonist, Bella and Ana, are so obscenely self deprecating that I think it to be a crime that wounds its readers.

Young girls (maybe or maybe not in the case of Fifty Shades) read these novels thinking that it is okay to think so lowly of themselves. Movies and books influence our lives in ways we can't even begin to know. For anyone who hasn't read either of the novels let me give you a quick summary: Neither Ana nor Bella think they are worthy of the love of the their man (Christian & Edward). They countlessly and tiresomely say how they don't understand why this man loves them. "How could someone like you be with someone like me."

I am sorry Bella and Ana, but shut the fuck up.

They are seriously misleading women and girls to believe that if they think lowly of themselves that there will be some man waiting in the wings for them, professing how unworthy he is of them.

Let me tell you from first hand experience. When you start whining and complaining how you feel unworthy of your lover's heart and soul, they will leave, quickly.

I know because I have had people leave me for that self deprecating behavior. I have left people for that behavior because no matter how often or how much I tell someone I care and love them, they still continuously harp about how they think they are annoying me or how they aren't good enough. It is fucking annoying and honestly after a while you're like, "fine you ugly self loathing person just leave already."

Jeez!

I think the book glorifies women feeling inadequate. Bottom line. You don't have to be pompous and egotistical, but you should love yourself enough to know why someone else would also.


Lastly, though I don't know the dark depths of the licentious lifestyle of BDSM, I do know that Fifty Shades only touches on it briefly. It gives a misleading idea about the lifestyle and I think readers will wrongfully identify with it. To me it does not seem right to romanticize BDSM when the nature of it is pleasure in pain. Let me clarify that I do not disagree with the lifestyle or the choices, but I read the book particularly because I saw a page that said fisting and butt plug on it and unfortunately it was found nowhere else in the book. I find it to be a faulty account of the culture, and that's all.


Overall, the female leads that self loathe and seek validation from a man makes me disgruntled and disheartened. What happened to our femme fatales? Also, painting a picture of leather and whips and flowers and hearts is a jigsaw puzzle of controversy (though that is not to say that there isn't love in BDSM because there is, but too many stupid and naive people are going to read this book and then go out and buy japanese silk rope and accidentally asphyxiate themselves while trying to get off).

At the same time I think it is good to unveil this somewhat taboo lifestyle, hopefully enlightening all those close minded people.

In conclusion, I despise the characters mainly because they mirror an old reflection of myself and I would hate for anyone to hate themselves as much as I did at one point in my life.

The end.

hearts aren't practical

Sometimes I get distracted by the little things. I was happy, gleeful, and excited about what was to come and now I feel morose, disheartened, dejected.

I've been practicing (only in this past week or so) calmness. Trying to take everything in stride. Not overreacting.

But right now I feel like I've been still enough to earn some time to overreact.



My love life sucks. I mess things up with my insecurities and need for self control. Also, I care too much most of the time to the point where I think I am trying to save something, but instead I am just strangling it to death.

I am one of those girls who squeezes her rodents too tight and unfortunately breaks their tiny ribs. Fear not, this is just a metaphor and has never really happened.



I realized today that I wish some of my relationships (is dating considered a relationship?) had continued. I wish I hadn't strangled them to death. I am not broken from these ends because I have better insight than that. But, I still cared then as I do now. Maybe these relationships would've still hit a dead end eventually. I don't know. I just hate when there's this space where old feelings lie, waiting, waiting for something to bring them forth again, but instead you have to pretend that they aren't there or that they are there but you are an adult now so you must quietly ignore them and still be happy. Any day I would take these friendships over the relationships (for now at least), but it's hard to have a friendship when things aren't dead nor settled.

I think we all fear being vulnerable, saying how we feel. The main reason I write on this blog or in my journal is because it is the only place I can really be honest with myself. I admit at times I hide behind this internet interface, but for the most part I'd like to believe that everything here is something you already know, not a surprise where I am virtually stabbing you with words over the internet (though that has definitely happened before, and more than once).

As I continue to grow and learn in this life, I think one big thing that is pertinent to any relationship is communication, being able to say how you feel with integrity and faith that your vulnerability will not go unnoticed and that the other person will give you the same respect to tell the truth, unbridled.

I think it is so difficult because we associate confrontation with anger and negative thoughts. We associate being vulnerable with being helpless and needy.

What if we told someone, that someone, how we felt, completely and truly. The end, no drama, no "why don't you love me?!", no stage 5 clinger, just here are the facts take it or leave it. If we could be completely open and understanding I think we would be a lot better off. And just cause you're understanding, doesn't mean you don't have to pretend you aren't hurt.


Wizard of Oz: As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
Tin Woodsman: But I still want one.

keep breathing, get help, stay strong

I see many people post on tumblr about wanting to commit suicide. I was there, the same place as they are now, but a while ago. I still get severely depressed, but not suicidal. I understand their pain, but yet I also don't understand their need for death.

I used to understand, but I don't anymore which I suppose is a good thing.

I only wish I could stretch their eyes open, similar to how Alex's eyes are "kept" open in A Clockwork Orange, and show them how beautiful the world is. I know the world is also evil and tragic, but it is also so magnificent and worthwhile.

Duality all over again.

Anywho, for those struggling, just keep breathing, get help, stay strong.

theo lacy

So warped tour didn't work out for multiple reasons, I could explain, but I just don't wanna. I still got to see Taking Back Sunday so life ain't so bad.

Anywho.

I've been meaning to write this post since Saturday, but I have literally done everything instead of writing it, even though I really don't "have" to write it.

On Saturday I saw my friend Jared in Theo Lacy Jail. It was a very difficult experience to say the least. Once I saw him it was as if the glass between us didn't exist, it was as if we were there, at a family party, talking, laughing, smiling. In reality I was talking through a phone to him, separated by glass, in a jail with other delinquents. I love Jared with all my heart. I have known him for most of my life. I grew up with him. I've watched him fall and break. But I love him. Jared and me have always had a connection. It is like something inside me wiggles and writhes when we are together. It is like my body comes together into one piece. It has always been that way.

Unfortunately Jared has problems, problems that stem from a place I don't know. He honestly has been fucking up his life for a while now and as much I'd like to say this is rock bottom for him, I don't know if it is. I have feelings, like a 6th sense, telling me what is to come (I know...) and I feel darkness, I feel like he won't make it this time. I feel like this will be the last time. I know that is beyond fucked to say, and I seriously hope to God that he flips his life around when he gets out in a few months. I hope I am completely wrong because I do believe he can get better, I just don't know if he believes it.

He's doing really well for the situation he is in at the moment, and honestly I think jail has been a good thing for him, but the real world is so different from his now controlled atmosphere.

I went to the jail with my dad cause he wanted to say a quick hi to Jared (sounds so casual right?). When I got there it was filled with all sorts of visitors. The worst thing was how many kids were there. It was horrible to think about being a child who has to go see their dad or their uncle in that place. It made me want to cry. During the whole process of waiting in line, going through the metal detector, waiting for our name to be called, being assigned a number, then waiting at the number for Jared, I was in full fledge internal panic mode.

While I waited for him to come to window 27 I thought I might throw up. My anxiety was killings me. Though, I wanted to throw up I was also smiling from ear to ear. Let me tell you, no one else was smiling there. My nerves had transpired into giggles and grins. And the craziest thing about the room where inmates talk to visitors is that most of it was just glass, so you honestly couldn't tell who was the sinner and who was the saint, who was under lock and key and who was free. In a way I felt like if I hadn't gotten help, the tables could've been turned and he would be the one visiting me. But, when he came to the window I stopped, my world relaxed and I took a breath. I was expecting him to look like Charles Manson, but he really looked damn good. I kept telling him how much I loved his hair hahaha. He looked mature, jaded, different ,yet the same.( as an aside, in screenwriting a golden rule is to SHOW and not TELL. And here I saw all these new traits about him and I really would not know how to show maturity or being jaded to you. Some things cannot be told or explained, they have to be seen or felt.) We talked about everything and nothing and to see him smiling and laughing made me realize that I am the same as all these people here, visiting someone they love. But before we could finish talking the phone cut out, but that's the jail's way of telling you that your time is up.

I walked away with my head held high. I didn't look back till the end and I could've sworn he just finished looking back at me. I also received a letter from him today saying how special the visit was to him.

Overall, the place, the experience, everything about it was frightening. That will never change. I hope that Jared will change, I want him to live and thrive. I love him. And, I know I throw the word, "love", around a lot, but I'd rather say it too much than not at all. Honestly, he will be my friend forever, no matter what happens.

warped

So my wonderful and gracious friend has gotten me a spot on warped tour with this skateboarding company he works for. I'll either be doing promo for them or do assistant camera for my friend and hopefully be taking my own stills in the process. I am honestly beyond excited. I have this idea of what it is going to be like, but I really have no idea what warped your is going to be like ! This is what I want to do though, photography, videography, screen writing, movies, etc. I don't want to be waiting tables. This is me. And you know there's a chance of things coming up, not going my way, but I am going to put on a brave face this next weekend because this is honestly a great opportunity for me and I am thankful for it.


Though life is this continuous tumultuous cycle, in this moment I am very happy for what awaits ahead, good or bad. I feel like each day I am growing and learning and that makes me feel good :)

^will elaborate on later.

By the way, I definitely will be going to Irvine show, Pamona show, San Francisco show and possibly Las Vegas! (though I think for sobriety reasons I will pass on the Vegas stop)

OHHHH an I get to see Taking Back Sunday... FUCK YEAH

something needs to be said.

I'm sorry.

I'm not easy. I've got problems. I think I know what I want, but in reality I am always a little bit unsure. I can be so ridiculous. I can be the biggest headfuck ever. I will change my mind every minute. I will use friendship as leverage. I have the need to control everything. I am immature in most respects.

All this nonsense is me. I am not saying all of this is okay because it is not. It is never okay to treat someone badly, but it happens because we all fuck up and we all don't know how to be good in shitty situations.

But, that is life.

I think we gradually learn how to deal. Some of us are late bloomers in that department, me included.
And you know a day later after everything I always feel better, much better. I feel better because I know I am not the only one who fears being alone. I feel better because the people who love me are honestly the most beautiful people I have ever met. And, lastly, I feel better because I know my life will go on.

You can't plan your life. That's just not how it works. And I wasn't planning all of this to happen, but it did. I was unprepared on how to act. But this is life. This is what life is made out of, the failures and the victories. You just gotta learn from it. That's the hardest part for me, not making the same mistakes over and over again.

reverse

It's a funny thing when you justify how things have happened and gone, but then you turn around and the same thing is being done to you and you think how it is shitty as fuck.

Life works in mysterious ways, always teaching us these things.

I'm sorry. I'm high maintenance, but working on it.

I was livid yesterday, and now a day later I feel differently about it all.

I realized at times I can be a little insane, a little mad, a little uncertain, a bit high maintenance.

I never thought of myself as high maintenance because I don't need or expect any guy to get me gifts n shit.

But, since I AM INCONSISTENT with how I feel, changing from one side of the spectrum to the next in a blink of an eye, I am high maintenance. I am a lot of work in a relationship.

For me to blame others for being inconsistent is me being a hypocrite.

Besides, after you have thrown people from left field to right field to all over, well they tend to be less than willing in all respects.

It is like I am mad because someone doesn't like me at this moment when I like them, but, a month ago they liked me and I was questioning it all.

See. Hypocrite.

I understand where I went wrong, the insane pattern I put myself and men through. Though, there are still some things I don't understand,but I suppose if people aren't willing to explain then it doesn't much matter.

I want to believe that the people I care about still care about me, but sometimes you just don't know. I am trying to be okay with it, well, I am starting from today forth to be okay with it. I admit I am hurt and I wish I wasn't my crazy self, but hopefully next time it will be different for me and whomever.

You can only hope for progress and for change in yourself.

This repetitive pattern I use on guys to control and manipulate our relationship is going to stop. I am also going to stop objectifying myself with the crude things I say. That subject is a whole other blog post in itself.

So... all in all, when you can't change what happened try changing yourself because you just might be a part of the reason why things didn't work out.

I am mad, no, pissed off.

I'm hesitant to write how I am feeling right now because I don't want to be too personal on this blog (even though I have been in the past). I don't want to directly use this blog to say stuff that I should be saying in person to people, but I feel the need to say something.

I hate inconsistency.

I hate how things can change from good to bad in an instant.

I hate when you want someone to care and they just don't.

I hate not being able to care when people want me most.

I am in these situations and they control my mind, I read into things that may have meaning but probably don't. I am a typical girl with hurt feelings. And I am on the brink of realizing that people who don't care, don't care at all are in my lives taking my precious time, my precious love. I am not going to do it anymore. I am strong. I am worth so much more. And I have told myself all this before over and over, but I never believed it. I believed I was the one who was wrong, I was the fucked one and now at this moment I no longer have that feeling. All I feel is disgust and hate because the inconsistency drives me mad, so mad that I have been able to rip off this blinding guise and see what people are really made of.

If you can't finish something then don't even fucking make the effort to start.

I don't like you, but I do like you, actually I really like you, but I am not going to text you because you haven't texted me first and I don't want to look eager or anything like that.

I don't understand why we have to be coy about feelings, why I have to play hard to get so that you can chase me. That makes no fucking sense. If I like you then I like you, there's no beating around the bush. I hate that men need to chase something to actually want it. I know it is a better view as I run away from you, but really that is no reason to enjoy the whole "I am going to chase what I can't have" idea. You like the challenge of it all? Then go play a god damn video game or something because I am not a toy that can be chased and grabbed by your mutt like jaws.

Everyone wants to feel liked and wanted, so then why do I have to pretend like I don't want to have you take me out to dinner and be in my bed at night in order to get you to reciprocate feelings?

Why don't you want something you can have?

I don't understand. Maybe this is why I am single.

save the drama for...

If we aren't fighting then we are fucking and if we aren't fucking then we are silently seething in the corner.

There was an episode of New Girl where Jess, Zooey Deschanel, breaks up with her cougar sugar daddy Russel because their relationship is too...simple, peaceful, passion-less.

There is a reason why people stay in tumultuous relationships. I believe people like drama.

I mean people can say that they don't like drama, they can say it all they want, but you have to admit it keeps shit interesting.

Now there is a limit, a breaking point to the amount of drama someone can take and well it is very hard finding the balance. All in all Jess broke up with him because there was no drama between them.

Maybe this need for drama fades as we get older and grow wiser. I don't know. Would you want a relationship that was close to perfect day in and day out? No fights, no disagreements, no nothing. The best thing about breaking up is the makeup sex, just think, no being thrown up against a wall by your former boyfriend while he furiously pulls your panties to the side and fucks you silly.

Oye, gimme.

Anywho the point is I am coming to the conclusion that maybe a little drama is called for, not the, "I am going to cheat on my bf purposefully to create drama DRAMA." Or the "I am going to fake a pregnancy drama." More like "my fucking boyfriend can't do the dishes kind of shit."

Maybe I am talking out of my ass and am totally wrong.

But emotional drama always keeps us coming back for more in movies, books, life, etc. It keeps things interesting.

Drama in moderation and maybe not too often.

CODSWALLOP

I've been feeling lost, like a little girl looking for her mom in the grocery store lost. I've been trying to fill voids, trying to run away from my fears, trying to be stagnant. Who the fuck wants to be stagnant? Bacteria grows more so in stagnant water and welp that is just gross. I don't want bacteria coming out of my ears even though biologically or something it already is. Sorry. I feel like I've been denying myself the necessities of life just because I've been scared and or I didn't want to deal.

Bottom line : I am single and it sucks. When I try and get close to someone it just never works. I destroy it before it can start. I get scared. I need comfort always. And most the time I feel lonely. Plus seeing past "lovers" find someone else is always a bit disheartening.

BUT

it's okay.

Why is it okay?

because at this moment I am tired of loving people and not being loved in return. I am tired of people loving me and not being able to return their love.

My gyno spoke some words of wisdom the other day...

You can always get sex, but you can't always have a relationship.

So simple, so true.

You know all I want is for someone to get to know me, love me for who I am, be my friend and stay around for longer than a few months. Sex not included.

And I think tonight I just realized that it is all codswallop in the end. You heard me, CODSWALLOP.

Bottom line 2: I miss people. I miss you and you and you, oh, and especially you.

BUT

my pride is too big.

Bottom Line 3: I've been lying to myself about everything. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

Bottom Line 4: I am scared of a lot of things

BUT

I hope I realize that it is fear that is stopping me from living. I stand in my own way.




So in conclusion, I feel lost, really fucking lost, but I have now realized that I am lost so maybe now I can begin to wander.

life is suffering

Life is suffering. That is a fundamental truth of Buddhism.

I have taken two religions classes and in general religion is very interesting to me. Rest assured that I will not be talking about religion in this post, but you never know it may be a post in the near future :)

Life is suffering, so when things inevitably increase your suffering do you do them or not do them? The obvious answer is no, do not increase your suffering for goodness sake ! For instance in this economy today jobs are hard to come by, therefore, you want to be the best possible candidate for when they do arise, but if you have any visible tattoos like me then you are usually automatically inhibited. That's just the truth. People judge me because of my tattoos, people will not hire me because of my tattoos and that causes suffering especially when I might be just as qualified as the next average joe who's applying.

Life is full of these situations where you have to choose what is best. Life is based on nothing else but choices. The choices we make make us who we are.

The tattoo on my wrist is for the foundation To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). I got it when I first turned 18. Besides the fact that I have always been fascinated with tattoos my wrist tattoo was one that I had thought about for a long while. My tattoo, "Love," on my wrist means the world to me. It reminds me everyday of the love I have in my heart, my past, my scars, the love I have for myself and so much more. I chose to inhibit myself, but at least I took the time to think about it and to weigh the pros and cons. All life is suffering, there is no way getting around it. And yes there are moments of happiness, but of course that is not all the time. Disregard everything else that plays into your happiness because I don't have enough time to go over it in this post nor any post.

My point is weigh the pros and cons and if it is worth it to you, allow yourself to suffer a bit more. But, do not take the stance that since life is suffering then you should do whatever you want and say fuck it cause living life impetuously is a life wasted.

I am not telling you to smile, but I am telling you not to be down

For me I am easily discouraged. One little thing can put me under my comforter for a whole day, and I don't come out, not even for meals. I wish I wasn't this way. I guess you could call me hypersensitive.

Anywho, the other day something got me down and it was instantaneous, like a quick onset of anaphylactic shock from peanuts. I was distressed and self hating. Someone told me emotions only last for 12 minutes and after that everything else is self inflicted.

So what did I do?

I self inflicted, but not in the destructive way like I have in the past.

All together I will say this, people will hurt you, they will hurt you without even knowing it. And, that is life. Life is suffering. Life will grind your gears, kick you down and stab you straight in the heart without one passing glance. When this happens it is okay to sit for the rest of the night and watch movies while gorging yourself with Trader Joe's power berries. Just don't forget yourself, don't forget yourself in this despair.

true love.

Blake Snyder talks about 10 movie genres and they're atypical cause they don't fall under the category of romance, comedy, etc. He talks about this genre called Buddy Love and basically movies under this category fulfill the general story concept of this...
2 people have a budding friendship or love connection
something threatens their relationship
and they end up realizing that they need each other
the fact that they need this other person basically freaks them out because you can give up the things you want, but not the things you need.
but in the end they come full circle and realize that though needing someone and not wanting someone is so different, so scary, they would rather need and have that someone than be alone.
I suppose true love is needing someone.
Of course there are exceptions, but I think if your life is not the same without someone, so much that you need them, then it's love. (unless you have an addictive personality bahaha)

Anywho it is just another viewpoint on love from a screenwriter who writes countless love stories. I think it might be true.

Accepting rejection

Life is full of rejection. Full of NO. Full of not admitted, not good enough, I don't like you, etc. And, that's why you've got to be full of YES. Yes I can do this and none of that bullshit NO is going to stop me.

I didn't get into Chapman, again. I opened the letter and thought this could be it. The first time I was rejected I was devastated, and now the second time around I was just like, "oh well." Chapman doesn't define me. I know I have talent and to throw it away because of one place telling me NO is just too pathetic and stupid. Even if I get a million more NOs (which I most definitely will), I will not give up. I can't.

That's the hardest part of life, just getting through the bad days.

I don't know what's going to happen next, but one thing I know for sure is that I will never stop writing.

yolo unicorn

It has taken me a while to come to the place I am now. Today, after a very rigorous and in your face lecture about life from my film 1 teacher, I felt different. Like a new soul breathing again for the first time in a while. He basically reassured all my fears which was good in the sense that now I know what to expect (for the most part). I thought I was alone in my fear of the future.

And yes the fear is still there, but at least now I know that it is just a part of the process.

He talked about how we don't realize that we are pissing away our youth on stupid shit. I completely understand. I have been wasting myself, my mind, my soul on what I thought to be so important. I'm 20. 20 years old and in a sense I have all the time in the world and yet none at all. I want to be happy like I was today, but everyday. I was finally free from my regret, my fears(some of them). I've seriously probably aged myself so much with all the worrying I've done in the past. And I know I am not fixed and that I will have good days and bad, but to not do exactly what you want because you are too afraid is the most horrid mistake of them all.

Looking back on past experiences, jobs, relationships, and friendships, I realize they all served a purpose. It was destiny or fate the way things happened. I don't know how or why, but all these things happened for a reason. It's the circle of life. A cyclic process that breaks us down and then builds us back up (if we use it to our advantage). Life is suffering, and how you deal with the suffering makes you the person you are.

I haven't dealt with things healthily in the past, but the amazing thing about life is that tomorrow is a new day, a new chance.

Do what makes you crumble with fear.

broken time

I got away, but I returned. It had been centuries in this new life. I didn't know if you'd remember me or if she would remember me, her own mother. I approached the house on tip toe fearing that you'd send me home. That our old love wouldn't let you see that I wanted to just come home. Yet when you opened the door, she asked who I was, but with one look at you and one look at me, she knew. I was her. The infamous, tragedy that plagued her dreams. She hugged my knees. You stood your ground. I grabbed your hand and then it was all over. Each light flooded from me to you, a vessel for the heat that enraged the chemicals boiling. It hurt yet we couldn't let go. As if the binding reunited finally became whole. It wasn't easy for you to let me over the threshold to your heart. I had left. You hated me. But you wanted me back. I curled up next to you with her in between, we formed this egg shape in the mess of your sheets. I kissed you and her freely. It was beautiful just to love. We were once again a family. And each day after it was a tiring trial period. Am I going to make it? You thought I might leave again. You always had your doubts. Till night fell and we began a new day did you then trust your heart. It was right. It was kind. Our love went past the centuries and into her. How bizarre to think this little body was ours. Never have I felt so much love and passion in my future.


-A short story that came to me in a dream... excerpt from my thoughts... don't know if I will actually write it.

letting go, starting anew, realizing everything you do

My blog became overtly specific, as if I was pointing fingers at all these "anonymous" people. That's why I took a break. I was hiding behind this blog. You couldn't see me, yet I could say anything I wanted to and talk the most shit ever on all of you. Blogs are an outlet but they shouldn't be how you deal with problems. Write to deal, but don't blog to deal. The internet is a nasty place. So then why am I starting this new post? I am going to try and be general and blog about common situations and ideas. Of course every blog post has some truth to it that actually led to it being written, therefore nothing is ever meaningless.

The reason why I have a blog is to blog about things and have people connect with them. For a while no one read this blog and I was merely writing for myself and now a few people read it here and there. I guess my point is that this blog has importance in my life and to totally discard and delete it would be heartbreaking.

Alright, onto the post I came on here to write.


I am not the best at relationships. In fact I have never had a relationship last long enough to even know if I was good at it, but I suppose since they have never lasted long then that answers that! ***<---disclaimer for everything you are about to read***

I have always had this need and want to be admired and loved, and honestly I have no idea where this addiction/obsession came from. I don't have daddy problems and nothing traumatic ever happened to me as a kid. I had a great childhood and a wonderful family. But this compulsion for the need of acceptance has led to all my destructive tendencies. I want people to think I'm cool. I drink. I want to be friends with them. I smoke. I want him to love me. I have sex with him. It's a sad cycle that I've put myself through while trying to find love in all the wrong places.

My biggest problem I think has been sex and using sex to get someone to like me. Any guy will like you if you have sex with him, but once he cums then you're just like every other girl who has put out. A dime a dozen. For some reason I was never taught that sex was sacred. I never really understood what it was like to have a healthy relationship with another man. And I honestly don't know why.

At times I fall back into my old ways and rely on what is comfortable to me, that being sex. I get so anxious about someone actually getting to know me and liking me for who I am that I instead just throw in the towel and say lets have sex and then I will know you like me (not true). And when I do this they leave and I always wonder why. Now that's not the reason why they all leave. But in the past they have gotten exactly what they wanted and found no reason to entertain the idea of US any longer. Sad, but I bring it on myself. If I let someone get to know me without putting sex in the equation and they still left in the end well at least I would know I hadn't wasted something special on another douche bag.

I guess it all comes down to how much someone really likes you, how much they care, how much they want it to work out. Let me tell you, every girl wants you to fight for her, always. If you don't fight it just confirms everything we have been dreading, the fact that you really don't want to be with us. At least this is how I feel. And in the end when everything is said and done, you look back on what happened and you hold on to this single tiny piece of hope that a fucking miracle will happen and suddenly he will want to be with you again. Part of you says it will never happen and then this other part sneaks up on you and says, "maybe, you never know." And, it's true, you never do know, but in this case it is better to just let go.

Letting go fucking sucks. Not texting him. Not calling him. Not kissing him. Not laughing with him. Not going out to dinner with him. Not having crazy adventures with him. Not doing anything with him. It's like he's a ghost, someone that I used to know who no longer lives here anymore(2 lyrics put together... guess those songs!). But, why try and convince someone you're worth it? Why try and tell someone to make time for you? Why try to put effort in when the other person could care less? It's that damn hope again. And hope is good, but in this situation I think it is better to move on, realize that you're fucking wonderful, and that you will definitely find your soulmate, and to have fun whenever you can.

This doesn't mean you need to cut them out of your life (unless he's a creepy ass stalker) but it just means to let go and start being happy again. You shouldn't need someone to make you happy.

Of course you will think of him. Little things will remind you. But, the only good way to deal with those things is to let it cross your mind and then let it leave.

We all have wasted ourselves on someone who didn't love us. Why waste anymore time, energy, love on them?

continuing

I feel like I learned a lot today.

I am going to try and sum it all up in a semi short not too long post.

So last night I was upset of course about the fact that this thing with the guy I had been seeing ended. I was still upset about it this morning too. And I don't need to cover everything again because if you care to know more about just read my previous posts. Anywho the main point is that I was mad that I had failed again. I was confused as to why the happy giddyness talkativeness stopped. And, I was sad that there didn't seem to be another chance for us to try. All these emotions were fuming and boiling in my body, killing me on the inside and in my mind.
I resorted to talking to a coworker of mine since I really never know who to really talk to. He gave the best advice without giving direct "do this or do that" advice. He mad me realize that all my stressful feelings weren't worth it. And that especially this early in dating him things should be happy and honeymoon like, not sad or stressful. I explained to him how me and this guy were hardly talking anymore and my coworker said that someone should want to talk to you, someone should be excited to talk to you. All in all I realized that this isn't meant to work. I don't believe it's the distance, not for me at least, that made it fall apart, but rather a lack of foundation. Maybe even a lack of commitment? I don't know. I don't know why it didn't work for him (maybe I should ask him, or maybe I should shut my mouth and not worry about it (go with numero dos)). And usually I never know with guys because you know they just aren't wired like us girls. They don't say outright how they feel even when you ask them. For this guy I am not sure what didn't work for him. Let me say though that I am the one who put a stop to it all. But, all this is just fine. Like he said, I am glad I have a more positive attitude about this because I enjoyed the time I spent with him and I loved getting to know him better. Did I want it to work out and keep going till the fall? Yes. But life never works out the way you want it to, and in truth it isn't supposed to.
c

Also, talked to my girl friend who is having a similar problem, okay it's pretty exact, anywho, I told her that if he can't spend a measly 5 minutes on the phone with you then what's the point? She is amazing and worth a million minutes and more! I guess my whole conclusion is to stay close to your heart and how you feel and to always remember that you are worth it.

sad goodbyes

So here I go again. I am at a crossroads, kind of. And you and me are done. Sure we can be friends but don't expect me to go out of my way to say anything because I will make damn sure that I kill all those feelings. Seems severe right? That's what I did with the last one. That's how I was able to get closer to you. I had to make room. And no that's not the healthy way to do it and yes at some point I'll come full circle with you just like I did with him. I can think of him and not feel regret or want. I just feel happy nothingness when I think of him. When I think of you I just feel disappointment. But I am not disappointed in you, only in myself. So, here I am at these crossroads and I will bury you beneath me, you're far enough away that I don't have to think about you and now I can start to distract myself with happier things. Maybe I'll find someone else, maybe I won't. I don't really care. I just don't want to feel like this. Feel like such a failure at these things. And yes I am young but you don't know me or my past and even if you did maybe it wouldn't make a difference. I want happiness, that's all.

fuck me.

I tell myself I'll be different. He'll be different. The situation will be different. The outcome will be different. Yet somehow it all comes down to being the same sad pathetic story of something that could've been special gone wrong. And I am really tired of either me or the situation or the guy screwing it up. I really don't want to try anymore. I know I say that and then a month from now you'll find me blogging about someone else, but honestly he is the last for a while. I just can't take the constant disappointment. I can't take getting my hopes up, thinking this one will be mine, the one I stay up late with laughing and talking with just to find out in that in the end I am falling asleep by myself waiting for his call. Companionship isn't needed, it is wanted.
And I don't really understand what happened. The rules? The exclusivity? I don't know. But everything became less and less. I know it's not the end of the world. I am sad, yes, because I thought this was going to be different. You never really know do you?

again. i give up.

It makes me sad that I can't do these things. I don't know why I even try. It ended so fast and easily. It makes me sad. Maybe it even makes me cry.

forever never lasts

I don't know everything. In fact, I don't know a lot of things, but I feel like I am right about what I am going to say next. Nothing lasts forever. That's why it's called the circle of life because it's this cyclic pattern that never focuses on one thing staying permanent forever. Love doesn't last forever. Family doesn't last forever. Pain doesn't last forever. Lovers don't last forever. Even the end doesn't last forever if you really think about it. Something new always arises from the ashes.

Anywho, I, like many other people get hung up on things that don't go perfectly or on things that are painful or unhappy. Those reactions of pain and regret and hate and negativity are primal emotions that we should not ignore or try to hide, but they are also not the epitome of our existence. I've been in that place where I saw no end. There was no way out. But that's the beauty of it because my pain and sadness ended eventually, and there was a way out.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we get stuck in our feelings and honestly there's just not enough time to waste on those feelings. Life is not forever either. I am not saying be happy all the time because it is good to be sad. I just mean that none of this lasts. Eventually I'll die, my dad will die, my dog will die, my love will die, my home won't be my home anymore, etc. The reason why we survive is because we can adapt and continue on even in the face of great change.

It's hard to think that every moment is precious and that all this could instantly end for no particular reason at all.

But I want to live in adventure and happiness.

And I will say this, people who try and stop you from that should not be in your life. My best friend is a crazy weirdo. Someone I don't really know anymore. And though I have been sad that she is no longer in my life I can't have her in it cause she is so negative towards me. I would welcome her back if she was like her old self but who can say if that will ever happen. I am not mad at her, I love her, but I also know that she is not a good fit for my life right now. I can understand that saying that is wrong. Best friends are forever. But people change as life changes. That's the way it is. I hope that I really start to focus on my happiness instead of my unhappiness, cause the unhappiness and the happiness will pass too and I'd rather be happy for as long as I can be.

Like I said, it's okay to be sad and have regrets and have pain, just as long as you realize that those feelings will not last because only then can you begin to let go and move onto the next thing. Life is never ending and not forever either.

dead heartbeats live

Things don't add up. My hearts over there, my head here and my body is completely lost.

my limbs are scattered you left me to die always murderous intentions I had nowhere to hide
I gave up trying to connect these veins wont live again I am nothing but a pile of pieces waiting to rot and be eaten
And I don't know what to say cause my mouth is here dry with out words for fear of anger and hurt
So forgive me when I seek revenge I'll burn your body then no part can live your suffering will be forgotten
like ashes in the wind trying to fly to the sea if only your legs would walk and your body could function.
But it was no way to live, so disconnected, so unhappy, so destructive. that's why I killed you slowly without regret.

.

I don't know how to build a relationship with anyone.

for all those who struggle

April the 20th. Such an infamous day. I don't really remember what I was doing last year at this time. I am guessing I was either smoking with my brother or my boys from sttc. Whatever I was doing I am not doing it now. So since late December, a little before Christmas, I have been sober from alcohol and drugs. I have had one slip up where I had two drinks while in Hollywood with friends but other than that I've been clean and sober. I have tried before to be sober and it has never worked. Maybe it's because I am older and wiser or maybe it's not those things at all. Maybe I am sober because I actually want to be. Though it's true that I want to be sober it is also true that I wish I could not be an alcoholic, but I am. And my addiction or craving may not ever go away, and I may never be able to have just one drink, and I may not be sober a year from now. It's not negativity, it's reality. What I do know is that I am sober today and very happy because of it.


You know, I should make a laundry list of all the bad shit that has happened to me while being under the influence... it's honestly amazing how persistent I was with my abuse despite all these situations that put me in danger. It would be a long fucking list.
And I've seen some of my friends, friends who still use and honestly I am glad I am not where they are. One of my friends is now in prison. I need to write him *puts on todo list immediately*. And then there are my other friends, the functioning druggies. I honestly dunno how they do it. But 20 years from now, will they still be functioning? Who can say... maybe and hopefully science by then will be able to cure all the shit that substance abuse causes.

I apologize if it sounds like I am dissing (could not think of a better word than that) my friends but that's not my intention. I am trying to get across that I could've been one of them, but I am glad I am not because I probably wouldn't be alive to even write this.

Now don't get ahead of yourself, I was not a heroin addict(though it did sound appealing at a time). I was just an addict of everything. Addicted to drinking, smoking, cutting, bullying myself, sleeping, drugs, love, control, sex, etc. All these destructive things(yes, love can be very destructive at times) that I thought would make my life better only worsened it. And to top it off I was mixing. Mixing all of these things just made my fucking head spin. My prescribed pills, my alcohol, my drugs... all together in one melting pot. Jesus christ I was so fucking unstoppable. Only I could stop the pain. That's the hardest part about changing your life around, nobody else can do it for you.

Now this isn't to say I don't have cravings because I do, all the time. In particular it has been cutting. I see these pictures of people with torn up wrists and I drool with want. I am like an obese child at McDonalds. Now that probably doesn't make sense. And maybe another day I'll devote a post to it, but not now. Anywho, I want it bad. So how do I stop it? I don't really know because sometimes I fantasize about it and eventually it leaves my mind or I remind myself how it won't solve my problems. Granted I have not been overtly depressed in a while. Which is good! The pills are working, bravo!!!

I used to get hung up on my pills. I thought they created this fake version of me and that I was fooling people into liking me. At times I still feel that way, but right now I see it as me treating my disease. Yes, there is bullshit science shit that says depression doesn't exist and that's all well and mighty for those people who don't have it but for the ones who do, they know, they understand.

My parents read that stuff all the time. They wanted me off the pills even though they were ok with it at first. Maybe they thought it was teen angst like everyone else did. welp pills is also another post in itself so I'll stop here. Addictions come in many forms, admitting to yourself that you're powerless and need help is the first step.
Stay strong, hope is real. And today I am sober :)

she's got too much love

Maybe I come on too strong. Maybe I'll look back and realize that I should've been more cautious. But I can't stop it. I won't. I'm quite happy shamelessly crushing and if I'm too hot then everyone should get out of the damn kitchen. I'm a flame that burns if you play with me too much, yet I'll dance around and warm your soul with my touch. Point being, nothing is in the middle for me. I am either high or low. It is rare that I am peacefully content. Maybe that's my problem, my need to stir the pot. I create my own problems. If I look into the future I know I am going to learn from this, like I learn from everything else, therefore, no experience be wasted.

I've said my peace and am going to stop bullying myself over my feelings (for now at least).

zip it

I didn't say anything. I kept my mouth shut. I still don't know why or what it is, but for now I'm content with this. I know. I trust. I am different. Now maybe down the road I'll have to speak up. Some say get it over with now before it's too late. And maybe I'll change my mind, I do it all the time. And then I can deal with the repercussions of the situation. I am fearful. I don't want to live in fear. I stopped myself from breaking the fear up because maybe it's just something I am not meant to understand. I don't know. I know there's a connection. There's fire above and below. I know there are other connections. All I can hope is that ours grows stronger.

I get it

I was so mad at you, but even more mad at myself. I was a bad friend to you and I don't have a good reason as to why. When you picked her over our friendship I didn't understand. We haven't talked for almost a year besides that one time we played phone tag. I don't agree with what you did, but now I understand. You knew she was your future, that you didn't want to give it up and then I pulled the trigger, blowing up our friendship. I felt heartbroken the day after. I was so incredibly stupid. And maybe I was also mad that I was alone. In the end I understand why you chose her over our friendship. I'll be here for you if things go right or wrong, always. I don't want to ever try to fuck up your happiness again.

Guys with best girl friends can be tricky and a slippery slope when you have a relationship. Ive been the best girl friend, but unfortunately I ruined it. Ultimately you decide whats important. You think it would be an easy choice, of course the best friend, but when your best girl friend is fighting with your future wife, you know who's gonna win.

Looking back on the people I've lost and gained, you were one of the ones who I wish had never left. I believe friendship is as deep and true as love.
I only hope one day you and her can forgive and forget.

muddy waters

What's the difference between a hook up buddy, someone you're dating, and a relationship? In movies like No Strings Attached we see two lovely hot people engage in a purely sexual relationship. Makes sense. We need our pipes cleaned, plus sex releases endorphins (yay endorphins!) In the end they end up falling for each other. Ashton wants Natalie full time, but she can't do it. Eventually she comes around and they live happily ever after. I think it is very rare for a hookup buddy to turn into anything serious or stable because you have this foundation of sex and then you become closer, but in the end you always retreat back to the sex (it's all you know for sure). You know someone will fuck you. But that someone may not love you. I don't really know what love is. M. Scott Peck goes into way too much detail about love, and he says that love is wanting to nurture someones growth regardless of whether they nurture your own (but healthy love is when you're helping each other grow). Love is uncomfortable. He says a lot of other useful stuff but honestly his thoughts are so intricate that it is hard to understand what he is really saying, M. Scott Peck that is. So you date someone, whether that includes sex or not, you spend time with the person so as to get to know them better. Then relationships encompass everything, sex, love, dates, fights, growth, etc. I believe that some of these lines can get blurred. Here is the cycle of my last "ship"


seeing him->dating him->sex->he becomes distant->we stop seeing each other->sex->angry at him->friends->weirdness->friends(sort of)

and here's my most recent "ship" sexy talk->angry at him->apology accepted->talk a lot/confide in him->give up on finding love but continue talking to him->become closer with him->skype->trip->date->sex->talk even more->go on other dates/hangout->blowup and start to worry so much that I pull out of the situation->get back in situation and immediately see him->more more sex->and here I am now

As you can see sex comes into the equation early on...that's not to say that that is what it's all about. When he came down to visit we didn't have sex. It was a nice change.

But I suppose the true test is whether it lasts, whether sex so early did or didn't screw it up. We had been talking for a while before any of this happened though. I don't know...I am told putting the cart before the horse only lands you in mud.

this time round.

This weekend has been amazing. Yes, I was nervous and scared and nervous beyond belief, but he made it all okay. Somehow. I don't know how he does it. I mean he didn't take away all my nerves but he definitely made me feel better than I could imagine. I feared that I would have to leave his place and go to my brother's house out of nervousness or maybe I would get on his nerves or maybe I would do something embarrassing. I was hanging out with this other person all day at a point and he got frustrated with me/my indecisiveness. I could hear it in his voice. I wanted to cry (hypersensitive me). All I have ever wanted was to be liked, maybe even loved. This new one didn't make me cry, he made me smile. And if things change between us I hope that it's not cause something went wrong but because we decided it, mutually, amicably. I am going to try and think positively about it from here on out.

I realize that this blog is still not what I want it to be, but I swear that at some point I'll go back to writing beautiful and raw posts that actually make people think instead of saying, "why did I just read all of this?"
Cement water
bright bulbs
freezer air
comfortable silence
red blocks
tiny ants
long kisses
peaceful thoughts

going on a journey

Here I am again.

And I am scared, but I am also hopeful of what is to come.
I want to eat grilled cheeses with you, watch movies and cuddle, kiss you, do dirty things with you, grind my nails into your arms and of course mark you with my bites. I want this weekend to be as good as it can be. Yeah, you might get tired of me and I think that's what I fear. If you suddenly become mad at me then that's okay cause we can fix it. If you feel like you want to hit me over the head with a frying pan because I am so annoying, well, I can't do much about it.

I've never done this. I have never spent a weekend with a guy. I always leave. I never sleepover. I remember there was this moment at sfsu where I made this guy I was seeing walk me back to my dorm at 3 am, in the titty freezing cold, every time we hooked up/hungout.

So of course I am nervous. I don't know what it is like to sleep next to someone from night till morning. Just kidding, I totally just remembered, I have slept over at a guys house. He was my first boyfriend that I had deep feelings for, but it was honestly such a fucked up relationship. Anywho, I would lie to my parents about where I was going, get wasted off Captain Morgan and then try and fall asleep with him. Even though I was so drunk it was hard to sleep next to him. How someone sleeps is a private thing. I don't look pretty like some girls do when they sleep. I am not worried about being pretty, I was just making a statement. Like I said, I am nervous, but I trust him. I trust that things will pan out as they may no matter how much I want to control them. I just hope that this whole blow up was just a part of the game and that if we hit another blow up that I will handle it better. I want this to work.

...

Things feel heavy
seeping into the ground
suffocating the atoms
burning off oxygen
weighing me down


My face is starting to crack
cheeks chiseled from smiling
eyes reek of broken happiness
the tears burn a trail for the rest
It leads them to death


And the love lights all fixtures
masking out the darkness
we pretend to be cannibals
feeding off our own toxins
the sickness coats everything


And then we break
the things we pined for dissolve
too much sick to get well
too much hell to find heaven
loneliness wins


Thanks sweet nothings.
Thank you for winning again.

new hair. no hair.

Today I shaved/buzzed my hair off. Well, Shea actually did it for me.

I have always wanted to shave my head and after seeing my cousin, Taylor, shave hers when I was pretty young, I told myself that I wanted to do the same.

Besides having an inkling for wanting to shave my head, I also did it for another reason.

I originally grew up in Garden Grove/Los Alamitos area and then we moved to my current location when I was around 4 years old. I grew up from start to finish with one family in particular, The Escovedos. They are in the majority of all our family movies. Me and Casey were best friends with our dee dees and blankies. And, in all sincerity they have made me be the person I am today.

Even though we saw them less when we moved away, we still saw them a lot. They were like my "step" family. I remember so many things from the moments I have spent with them... Paul McCartney concert, shaver lake, Cam's graduation, Password Champs, The bat on the boat, Bass Lake, BILL, yoshi, too much wine, The Beatles, These cards are marked de a mess!!!, giving casey spy kits for any holiday, fio ritos, crystal cove, watching VHS tapes in the car on our way to Bass, Cameron pretending to be a shark and grabbing my leg in the lake, Petunia and Vernon, FORKS, Steve losing his glasses, My dad catching over 50 fish in one week AND a whole lot of other moments...unfortunately it is boring for anyone who wasn't there to experience these tid bits of my memories.

I shaved my head because of Shawna. Shawna has now been free from her GBM for 5 years and is now undergoing treatment for a completely new and different cancer. Myeloma, to be exact. She shaved her head because she is going to lose her hair anyways. I thought that in honor of her I should shave mine too. For fuck sake this woman has raised two amazing boys, has battled one of the most vicious brain cancers, has broken her hip (well, a tumor broke it), and now has to deal with a whole other cancer. And if you saw Shawna from a distance you would never know any of this because she walks around with a smile on her face and laughter in her heart. She has beaten the odds. She amazes me.

I know shaving my head won't make her better or cure cancer, but it shows that I love her and that she is not fighting this battle alone. I mean besides going through her treatments she is/would have lost all her hair again. Do you know what it is like for a woman to lose her hair? I know that when I had cut my hair off for locks of love(12 inches off) that I felt ugly and naked. Long hair or medium length or whatever length is considered beautiful. Short hair gets you labels like DYKE and BUTCH. Most guys aren't looking for a hot girl with short hair because I think a lot of the world doesn't associate short hair with beauty. Look at all the Disney Princesses. And, yes, it is more trendy now, but when a girl cuts her hair it initially feels like you have lost your security blanket. And maybe she felt that way the first time she lost her hair or maybe she didn't, but I wanted to basically make the statement that, "we don't all decide to "lose" our hair". What I mean is that there are people like Shawna with no choice in the matter. But here I am with a choice and I decided to "lose" it anyways.

Cancer is everyone's battle to fight.

fears are falling

I feel like shit. I am depressed and anxious beyond means and the reason why is because I am afraid. In the past few weeks I have felt like I have been failing at screenwriting and dping and just everything involved with film. To write movies and to make movies is my dream but when I can't successfully write a stellar script for my group's film project it makes me sad. How am I ever going to write a feature film when I can't even write a god damn 5 page script for a college film class? To make things worse, my feature film concept sounds like shit compared to everyone else's. I feel unworthy. And when no one prepares for shooting and it falls on my shoulders to create this amazing lighting for a scene that has no direction, I feel stupid. My group wonders why I get moody when it takes us 40 minutes to set up a scene. Basically this all stems from fear of failure and in this case the fear of failing even more. If I am not the best or one of the top writers then I will fail. Screenwriting is not a job that provides 24/7. It is an art and a talent one must possess to succeed. I know it was my choice to go in this direction and that I gave up a life of security when I decided not to be a biology major. Yeah, maybe I wouldn't have been a doctor but the major does offer more outlets for jobs rather than an english or screenwriting major. But this is what I love. I love to write. I love to share my stories, thoughts and ideas with people. I don't want to diagnose people, or build an energy saving thing, or be a business woman. I want to write and make a living off of it. But what happens is when I feel like I am not producing my best, I tend to just give in to this voice inside my head that says "Don't go, they don't understand. Don't go, you might fail again." Screenwriting is all about failing. You fail at your first draft and then you rewrite and then you fail again and keep rewriting till you reach something presentable. I can't go into this profession with the mindset I have right now. At the moment though all I can think about is my fear and worry. Fear and worry. I'm on the edge of falling into this place where I can't breathe nor escape. I die in this place every time I give in to it.

anew

This blog has become a place for me to bitch about every aspect of my life. It wasn't always this way. I really don't want this blog to be a gossip zone. I want this to be a place where I contemplate life and other philosophical shit. I am sure every now and then some fiery emotion will prompt me to write a post about some lame ass guy in my life, but for now I want to write differently and about different things. The end.

salt in my cuts

I want this all to stop. I don't want anyone to text me or call me or ask me to do things or say I'm pretty or anything. I want to be alone because it all hurts too much. Life is pain. My best friend is on another freaking planet. We don't exist in each other's worlds anymore. And even if she did exist here I wouldn't even know who she was. It hurts so much to see someone you used to love just morph into something so different and cold. Your negativity kills me. I can't be around that even if I wanted to be. Maybe it's drugs or your drinking or maybe it's him, whatever the reason I just wish you would go back to being the best friend I've always had.

And you. You are this person I've always wanted, someone I've been looking for all along and unfortunately you live so far away that none of this even matters. And a long distance relationship isn't possible I know, but I keep pretending it's in the cards for us. And even if we tried I feel like we would still be sad in the end. And a part of me just wants to bury you, like I did him so that I wouldn't have to deal with the harsh realities. I mean this cutesy thing we do over text and skype is so nice but at the end of the day you will be fucking someone else and I'll be waiting for your call. Yes, I am immature like her. I hate wanting what I can't have and instead of dealing with it I'd rather forget it all.

fears vs. dreams

I feel lost. All I want to do is sleep and dream. Dreaming is still better than my current reality. I try to hide from my stress and fears through sleep. It is when I get to leave the old world behind and experience something new every time I close my eyes.

But back to what I was saying. I feel lost. Everything is up in the air. First situation is these feelings, these wants, these needs. What am I supposed to do with them when you are so far away. I really don't believe in long distance things but at the same time I don't know what to do. I'm not closed off to others but when we talk everyday, when we flirt, all I think about is you. It's sick. And I know you're fucking other girls and talking to them too. It's a reality. But what am I supposed to do with these feelings. I am lost.

I am lost all over again. All I want to do is write. I want to write screenplays and poetry and everything under the sun. But when I am told that stuff doesn't make sense and that they all hate the idea it leads me to doubting myself. And I just can't do that. I want to spit right back at them and say "Ok, well you write something better, you mongrels. You can't even format a screenplay. Give me a few weeks to edit it and then see what I come up with. UGH." I hate being told my writing isn't good because I know it is definitely better than yours. And I know it's not perfect and that I need more experience and that I am not the best. But writing, especially screenplays is a process. First draft is always shit. For my first short that I wrote in my screenwriting class we took at least 5 weeks in developments and rewrites.I guess a part of me thinks that they're right. I should've just become a vet or something like that. FEARS VS. DREAMS... are they really all that different?

the end of the beginning

I haven't been on here in a while, mostly cause I've had other things going on. I've been thinking a lot of course about how I feel emotionally, and I feel better than I have been. I detached myself from the situation. I told myself I didn't want to feel like that anymore. I wasn't going to let the power of his words hurt me. The distance has been good, but there are moments that I think about him and everything. When I said I didn't care anymore I was telling the truth, I don't care about something that makes me so unhappy. Maybe it seems as if I said it so that it would invoke fire in you and make you come back. In the past I would've pulled that act, but I said it this time because I really meant it (there was no ulterior motive this time). I guess I just got tired of trying to make something out of nothing. That's what happens when you start out something so fast with out a prior friendship, in the end you have nothing to fall back on. I won't lie, I'm still a bit sad, but I've also become unbelievably detached. I suppose having something new to focus on has helped. And honestly, I am enjoying wanting someone and having the want reciprocated. Plus he's a sweetheart.

hating myself

I can't do it. I just can't. I tell myself that I am easygoing, fun loving, down for anything girl. But I am not. I always want to think I am and then I just start pretending. And I am sorry for constantly changing my mind and not knowing what I want. It's a problem of mine. 1/3 of me wants a filthy kinky hookup and the other 2/3 wants a stable relationship. And I am not searching for a boyfriend anymore, I need to love myself more, but is it so bad that I don't want to wait for whoever he is. I need to be prudent, I know. I am just sorry that I let you think it was all okay. Cause it's not. My heart hurts. And you know what hurts even more, someone who does not want you to have that special place in your life because you might ruin their happiness. That hurts the most. The fact that I let you fuck me after hearing those words is my own fault. All of this is my own doing. I do that sometimes, I cause my own self destruction. And I won't be mean but I won't be warm to you, we aren't friends(never have been)and I let you treat me like a dirty fuck because you said you liked my company. Most of all I am mad at myself.

trash and treasure

I drove to San Francisco to get away from this place. This place where things were stressful and complicated. I finally turned in my Chapman application and now I am just nervous, no longer stressed. Right now, I am in a weird place. Kind of like limbo, neither heaven nor hell. Purgatory or something like it. I realized something. I don't know what I want because so many parts of me want different things. I want a relationship, I want good sex, I want to feel special, I want to focus on me, I want to have fun. I don't have one single thing that I completely want. And this weekend was just so amazing. I had no plans. I did what I wanted. I said no and then yes. I was free. And the more and more I experience the more and more I realize that I am one man's trash and another man's treasure. Always go with the one who thinks you're worth the world. And honestly I don't know if he'll ever get it. Maybe he isn't supposed to get it. But during this weekend I was reminded that I am special<3 And I wish I didn't need someone else to remind me but my self esteem is a work in progress, just as everything else is. And I don't know what to say about this misfit, I don't know what to do or say. Love or hate. Or just be happy for him. I need to pick the 3rd one. I think he knows that he was right all along.

I watched the Demi Lovato Stay Strong documentary and it was really eye opening. It made me confront or I guess remember what my life used to be like. During a time it was so dark, there was no escape, just endless dark. I choked on my pain. I bathed in my pain because it was all I knew. I just remember seeing no way out. To me there was just death. I was a living zombie so why not graduate to corpse status. To think how different my life would be if I hadn't turned it around. And just like Demi Lovato said, recovery is an every day thing. It's a continuous process. Since deciding to be sober for a year and breaking the promise once with a beer I've realized that every day is a fight won and a complete struggle. Each day of sobriety makes me stronger and weaker at the same time. I am not just talking about sobriety from drugs and alcohol but also from self destructive behaviors. There are days where I want to black out form the world and cut away my sorrows. I know it might not make sense to you but I think not cutting and not drinking has been the hardest lately because if I give up one addiction I usually try to pick up another. So when I am depressed and not drinking I think about cutting. It's that same high numb delicious release and punishment for everything I've done wrong. And though that sounds weird it is true. I feel better when I punish myself and control my pain through a blade. I haven't cut for a long while almost two years now. But like I said there are days that I consider screwing my sobriety and just saying fuck it. It is hard to be sober in this world. At least I believe so. Anywho, my whole point is that I am proud of myself, really proud because though I may make mistakes at least I am always trying to mend them and do better.
Also... This blog post in particular has no grammar or punctuation or anything fancy, so I apologize for its lack of formality. And that's it.