trash and treasure

I drove to San Francisco to get away from this place. This place where things were stressful and complicated. I finally turned in my Chapman application and now I am just nervous, no longer stressed. Right now, I am in a weird place. Kind of like limbo, neither heaven nor hell. Purgatory or something like it. I realized something. I don't know what I want because so many parts of me want different things. I want a relationship, I want good sex, I want to feel special, I want to focus on me, I want to have fun. I don't have one single thing that I completely want. And this weekend was just so amazing. I had no plans. I did what I wanted. I said no and then yes. I was free. And the more and more I experience the more and more I realize that I am one man's trash and another man's treasure. Always go with the one who thinks you're worth the world. And honestly I don't know if he'll ever get it. Maybe he isn't supposed to get it. But during this weekend I was reminded that I am special<3 And I wish I didn't need someone else to remind me but my self esteem is a work in progress, just as everything else is. And I don't know what to say about this misfit, I don't know what to do or say. Love or hate. Or just be happy for him. I need to pick the 3rd one. I think he knows that he was right all along.

I watched the Demi Lovato Stay Strong documentary and it was really eye opening. It made me confront or I guess remember what my life used to be like. During a time it was so dark, there was no escape, just endless dark. I choked on my pain. I bathed in my pain because it was all I knew. I just remember seeing no way out. To me there was just death. I was a living zombie so why not graduate to corpse status. To think how different my life would be if I hadn't turned it around. And just like Demi Lovato said, recovery is an every day thing. It's a continuous process. Since deciding to be sober for a year and breaking the promise once with a beer I've realized that every day is a fight won and a complete struggle. Each day of sobriety makes me stronger and weaker at the same time. I am not just talking about sobriety from drugs and alcohol but also from self destructive behaviors. There are days where I want to black out form the world and cut away my sorrows. I know it might not make sense to you but I think not cutting and not drinking has been the hardest lately because if I give up one addiction I usually try to pick up another. So when I am depressed and not drinking I think about cutting. It's that same high numb delicious release and punishment for everything I've done wrong. And though that sounds weird it is true. I feel better when I punish myself and control my pain through a blade. I haven't cut for a long while almost two years now. But like I said there are days that I consider screwing my sobriety and just saying fuck it. It is hard to be sober in this world. At least I believe so. Anywho, my whole point is that I am proud of myself, really proud because though I may make mistakes at least I am always trying to mend them and do better.
Also... This blog post in particular has no grammar or punctuation or anything fancy, so I apologize for its lack of formality. And that's it.