CODSWALLOP

I've been feeling lost, like a little girl looking for her mom in the grocery store lost. I've been trying to fill voids, trying to run away from my fears, trying to be stagnant. Who the fuck wants to be stagnant? Bacteria grows more so in stagnant water and welp that is just gross. I don't want bacteria coming out of my ears even though biologically or something it already is. Sorry. I feel like I've been denying myself the necessities of life just because I've been scared and or I didn't want to deal.

Bottom line : I am single and it sucks. When I try and get close to someone it just never works. I destroy it before it can start. I get scared. I need comfort always. And most the time I feel lonely. Plus seeing past "lovers" find someone else is always a bit disheartening.

BUT

it's okay.

Why is it okay?

because at this moment I am tired of loving people and not being loved in return. I am tired of people loving me and not being able to return their love.

My gyno spoke some words of wisdom the other day...

You can always get sex, but you can't always have a relationship.

So simple, so true.

You know all I want is for someone to get to know me, love me for who I am, be my friend and stay around for longer than a few months. Sex not included.

And I think tonight I just realized that it is all codswallop in the end. You heard me, CODSWALLOP.

Bottom line 2: I miss people. I miss you and you and you, oh, and especially you.

BUT

my pride is too big.

Bottom Line 3: I've been lying to myself about everything. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

Bottom Line 4: I am scared of a lot of things

BUT

I hope I realize that it is fear that is stopping me from living. I stand in my own way.




So in conclusion, I feel lost, really fucking lost, but I have now realized that I am lost so maybe now I can begin to wander.