Today is my day

Today is the day, possibly, since I can't remember if the christmas party was yesterday today or tomorrow.

I have been sober for a year. A year. 364 days. Can you imagine? It is like having an itch you can't scratch cause you know if you do your skin will just fall apart cell by cell. It's like handcuffing yourself to a chair, willingly, while snakes parade around your body waiting to bite you. It is this overwhelming feeling of want, of need, of desire. Lust for the bad even though in that moment it feels oh so good. It's is like wearing a blinking sign around your neck that says, "I am out of control. I cannot manage my life. I therefore have to bar myself of bars."

It is incredibly difficult to say "No" when all you want to do is say, "yes."

Do you know what it is like to admit to yourself that you're incapable of managing your disease, your problems, your own sanity?

I don't know. It is hard to accurately describe this weight that you carry around each day as friends and family encourage you to drink. They wave it in your face, never knowing the struggles you have faced. But, that is the way it is. No one is ever going to understand fully because it is a personal situation. This is why you have to be good to yourself and have the courage to say, "No," despite everything they will never understand.

The want to be sober arrived after going to a christmas party with this guy I liked. He is straightedge, and in my eyes, was so cool. My feelings for him at that point were irrevocable. Anywho, we went to this christmas party and I got drunk while of course he stayed sober. I tried to slurp down any drink I could, even if it wasn't mine. I remember taking a martini glass and asking him if it was mine, I drank it regardless of his answer. We went to his house and I was very drunk. I fell asleep in his arms immediately. I woke up not remembering much. How typical. I drove home feeling like such a fucking stupid drunk whore. He stayed sober and was completely himself while I tried to drown my insanity over what we were or weren't with boozes.

He made me want to change. He made me want to be myself. He made me want to be like him. Strong in his conviction.

And, since that party I have been sober. There was a moment where I slipped up and had drinks at a party with this pretentious screenwriter. Needless to say he didn't start talking to me until I had a few drinks in me. Jackass. At least he shelled out his credit card for it.

The reason why I say I have been sober for a year is because that night was just one night, and though I made this promise to myself based on a time frame, it became much more than a number of days. It evolved into this commitment to myself and to no one else. It wasn't about the days. It was about the strength I used during that next day to stay sober.

So here I am. Another day of sobriety under my belt. Has my life changed? Drastically.

No longer am I having sex without the ability to say no. No longer am I physically abusing my boyfriends. No longer am I waking up to vomit on my sheets. No longer am I throwing up on myself during muni rides or having friends carry me home because I am too wasted to walk. No longer am I ruining friendships with my best friends just because I am a drunk idiot who says hurtful things. No longer am I cutting myself, mixing drugs, having severe lows. No longer am I pretending to be happy when I am clearly not.

Sobriety has brought me a brighter world. Not an easy world. But, certainly a world I can bear to live in.

My hope is to continue living soberly for as long as I can, but I find that even harder to imagine as my promise to myself is over and the want to fit in is still extremely overwhelming. I plan on going to AA meetings again and hopefully meeting more sober people. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but at least today I am sober.

Believe in me. This road is tough. One day at a time.

Where am I?

Thing have been really good, pretty weird, kind of low at times and really stressful. It hasn't been good, it hasn't been bad. And at this moment I feel empty, like some switch has turned me off, darkened to the point where everything inside and out is this black hole. I can't see where I am going and I can't see what's coming for me.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to have to try a new pill cocktail.

I feel so confused about my feelings for people.

It's fine, it really is. I just feel kind of lost in my own head.

I am going to make a list of things I need to do in order to change things around, unfortunately all these things I will be doing probably won't have any effect on deciding where to put my feelings.

breathe molly.

meep

Well compared to my last few post I am not crying as much which is good.

Anywho I wanted to write this post so I could get some relief from my worries and thoughts but really all these thoughts are just chilling, they aren't even moving. They aren't bouncing off the walls making me crazy. I just feel numb. The only way to deal with some things is to not care. I might take back that statement later.

So what's bothering me? What's new?

I am using sex to heal my pain instead of alcohol/drugs/self mutilation and I don't give a fuck.

I feel like everything between me and this guy was just an empty lie, and he didn't even know it.

My friend is back in jail and he is treating it like it's nothing, which is really frustrating because why the fuck did I care so much about you when you didn't even care about yourself?

My aunt is crazy and I think suicidal. She doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself. I care, but I don't care.

Things I have learned...

Nothing works out the way you want it to.

Sometimes it is best to walk away and forget everything.

People are shitty and self centered.

The people you are in love with now will not be the people you are in love with in 5 years. If you find someone you still love after many many years then they are the real keepers.

I am bi and am really attracted to I think all of straight edge mankind (yes, that's an over exaggeration but whatever)

I'd rather dream and fuck than deal.

Nobody comes riding in on a white horse to love you and save you. If they do, keep them. Love isn't a fairytale.

I love being sober.

i will for you my love

I am human. I am so flawed. I am difficult.

but I pour so much love into the people in my life that it is easy to get disappointed.

This isn't insanity on my part, it is a series of disheartening events from you.

It is people leaving. People finding someone else. People giving up.

And how am I supposed to stretch out my neck for you anymore? How am I supposed to talk highly of your progress in life when all you do is cut me down?

I don't need to cut myself,

you make me bleed.

sigh

I am so tired of crying.

Crying cause I am sad. Crying cause I am happy. Wild Rivers on my eyes.

I don't have a lot to say or much direction after everything that has gone down this weekend.

I feel like I am waiting or just stagnant, but not stagnant in a bad way. If we keep arguing and trying to fix things and break things and then fix them all over again does that mean something? Is that better than throwing in the towel? I honestly thought it would be easy or better to walk away. And 24 hours later I felt like wolverine's claw had ripped through my insides. It was bleeding and I couldn't stop it. Leaking, soaking, tainting the rest like a toxic substance that killed by the touch. I couldn't deal. And then I tried to go back, and then KABOOM.

I feel wrong for trying to set the fire, but when you said it, it was as if you wanted me to be with someone else, to already have other relations going on with people. So I went for it. I regret. It was stupid, I was stupid. One of those girlish moments where you feel so self righteous that someone deserves pain on your behalf.

I will say, no matter how fucked this is, it was nice to hear you mad. I was waiting for you to fight, to say you didn't want me with anyone else no matter how selfish that is. The anger in your voice excited me, made me laugh, made me cringe, made me want to try and fight you. It is one of those sadistic things. Also, my love of drama. Though, I will say that it frightened me and I never want to see you that mad in person.

But in the end we talked. There was no conclusion, but I am glad we talked. I believe you will always be there. I don't think you know but that's a trait I've always thought I possessed. My friends could call me, friends I don't talk to and I would help them and listen. I guess I keep hoping that someone will do the same for me.

It's hard to have these solid people in your life walk away and change. I can't even remember how many times this has happened whether it be with friends or just guys. It's hard to shake that feeling that no one will stay.

I'll try and relax and not expect anything. It's the least I can do.

tears build my path

Sometimes it is the last straw. Sometimes you can't take anymore. Sometimes you have to take a step back, turn around and walk away. You have broken off every piece of yourself and tried to reconstruct this image of what you want, who you hope to be and then this wrecking ball swings in and destroys everything you have built.

This rubble just lays there, staring back at you. Was it all a mistake? A waste of time? Is this the right path?

I guess I don't have the answers, but I know it is not the time to give up. Yes, I am giving in, accepting what is, but I am not looking back. I am going to do what I want to do, be around the people who want to love me and never look back.

I might shed a tear and need some people to hold me up, but I'd rather fall and get up then fall and give up.

sobriety

It has almost been a year. I've been sober for almost a year coming this December. I will elaborate more on my experience in December, but there is something I want to say now.

Whether you've been sober for a week or a year or 25 years, time is irrelevant, what matters is the fact that you're trying to change your life.

I am not saying that those who choose the sober life are superior to those who do not choose that path, because some people who don't have a problem with alcohol don't need to change their ways. But, for addicts, deciding to live soberly is the hardest, yet also the greatest first step you take towards changing your life.

That being said, I don't know if I will be sober another year from now, but today I am sober and that is all that matters. One day at a time.


And, honestly the thought of abstaining from alcohol and drugs for the rest of my life is a beautiful prospect that I might want to take on.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.