I feel.

I feel like shit. Sometimes I think I should just be a desperate little fuck who needs all the attention that she can get. No matter how pathetic at least my delusional mind would trick me into feeling loved. This is ME, overdramatic at its best.

Time catches up with you when you least expect it to

Damn, I didn't expect this to happen so fast. I'm nervous to start over again.

change can be good when you can't change the present

My dog follows me into my room and jumps on my bed as if it is his favorite place to be, then he lets out a silent fart and I just about gag from the smell. Why Cody, why?

Anywho...

Lately (within the past few days) I have been in a transitional period. Currently, I am in the process of changing my priorities because my prior arrangement didn't work out so well.

I used to say that I loved change, but change can be and is more drastic than just changing your hair color (which I also enjoy doing). In reality 99% of the time I fucking hate change because it is uncomfortable and uncontrollable. Right now I am trying to focus on...
A. what makes me happy instead of what makes me sad (an obvious solution) B. school C. things other than my emotions
I have to say I am doing better than I thought I would be at this point, but that is only because I haven't had to deal with a certain uncomfortable issue. I don't like to beat around the bush about things, and I am all about being honest, saying what you want to say. But, right now since I haven't cleared the air face to face with him I'll keep my objective to myself. I will say that you have to do what is best for you, always. I am not talking about using people as stepping stones to get ahead, but for example if you are being hurt you need to oust yourself from that situation no matter the consequences. So, in this case he did what he thought was more important and accidentally, with no intention on his part, I got hurt. Now instead of hurting and whining and moaning and complaining I am trying to eliminate the hurt by taking certain precautions (which sucks but I really have no other choice). I'd love to be the person who doesn't care or who bounces back within the day going back to normality, but that's not me. It takes me some time to recharge my batteries. And my feelings will still be there and all but it is almost like I have shut them out in order for me to move on.

The other day someone told me this quote and I have heard it before, but never with the subject being a butterfly ( they always say if you love "something"... something is so impersonal ). Now all I can visualize is me squashing a butterfly and having bug goop on my hands.
You know, if you try to hold a butterfly tightly in your hand, it will die. You have to let it go. If it comes back, it is truly yours, but if it doesn't, it never really was.
tada! Great quote!
Anywho, I plan on focusing on school and maybe getting back on the playing field. (if I even have the time).

Lastly, change isn't as easy as changing your hair color but it certainly is not as permanent either. You have the ability to shift the pieces of your life, making a bad change into a good one depending on your attitude.
Maybe I can take everything I learned from this last situation and apply it in my next attempt at getting to know someone on a deeply personal level.

too much to say or just not enough room on the page

I don't even know where to start because all my feelings are bouncing off the sides of my brain like ping pong balls. I warn you that this is going to be a long blog, so if you plan on reading it, sit down and get yourself some popcorn.

This week was incredibly eye opening for me in a lot of ways. I started off the week with a cold creeping up on me and then it suddenly took over and became a sinus infection. But I powered through and did what I had to do... I got my butt up for school, I went to the doctor's office, made it to therapy, wrote a script till 3 am, filmed half of my film production class project and got errands done all the while I coughed up a lung mind you. Sometimes you don't know what you're capable of till you push yourself to the limit. Last semester I would've probably skipped a week because of this damn infection, but since I have found my passion in film it seems much easier to bear the 4 hour classes (though I do like to bitch about it over twitter but honestly deep down I love it).

Quick synopsis on how our filming went today...It was fabulous. It was maybe not the most time efficient and planned out story, but besides my fear that Professor Myers will hate my writing/story I feel good about it. I finally have a voice amongst people. In my last group I felt like half the time I was steamrolled by the guys in my group and now I am arguing my opinion and trying to be strong in a world of criticism. It seemed like everyone was able to collaborate really well which is a big change from all the arguing that went on in my last group. So, if the first project is a flop at least we will have the opportunity to make a better 2nd project. Though it annoys me that one of our group members decided not to be a part of the filming and then asked us to put him in the credits as editor of the video. Yeah Fucking Right. If you can't commit just quit. I don't have time for slackers getting in the way of my dream.


Next topic: True love and therapy. This week in therapy I realized the insane repetition I have been putting myself through... It goes like this: meet a guy, go on a few dates, decide he is the best thing ever, try to move things forward, realize we want different things, fuck him just to keep him around, and then constantly worry about why he doesn't call or like my pictures anymore. I disgust myself, but I am willing to see that I have already come a long way and that the next person I meet I will treat differently.
It is unfortunate that I have let this happen again because now all that remains is tense sexual attraction and broken feelings. Somehow over the years, sex and being sexual has become my "default screen." The only thing I wanted from the last two guys that I dated was develop a connection and be around them and with them. When I knew they were too busy with bigger and better things I offered up the sex card because no guy is going to refuse hanging out with me if I or any other girl offers a hookup. It is a hard reality but somewhere deep in the caverns of my mind I think that playing that card will help me and make things right. It won't, it will only make them worse. Some girls ( or aliens ) can have casual sex, but I cannot. Point is it makes me sad that that was what it came too, that I let it go that far because all I feel like it ever was to them was just sexual tension. I had feelings but the street has to be two sided in love. The last sex I had was one of the best and weirdest sexual experiences ( in a good way ) that I have ever had but it was nothing close to what I wanted. I want to "make love" not fuck. Sometimes our actions don't match our actual truths. So here I am alone, with a uti infection and a sinus infection. HAHAHA jeez but I can't be too sad cause I know I've got better shit to look forward to instead of being sad about silly boys. One thing though... for once it felt perfect, that feeling of the world stopping as you talk with someone and smile back at them, it felt true and pure and totally harmless, it was everything I wanted. And now I am trying to rebuild it, well not that ^ but just the basic foundation of friendship. Though even that seems to be a bit difficult because I don't want to be that clingy girl who gets her hopes up and broken again. I don't want to hope for anything at all.
In a sense I'd rather be alone than fool myself. I am not sure what is going to happen but I am going to try and stay positive about all aspects of my love life future.

This is the most important part out of this whole post. As a writer and an artist I reveal my overdramatic response to the situations and experiences in my life. Just because I write something doesn't mean I believe it or won't change my mind a day later ( no, I am not bipolar ). The way I write is how I see it on the projector screen in my head. It is just like a movie, a projection of reality instead of actual reality. So if you know or date an artist please understand that these posts are merely everything colliding in their head, regurgitated back on paper. If you are ever curious just ask.
One last thing... this is my savior that allows me to tell you all the things I can't seem to speak out loud. I wish things were back at the beginning but as we all know we can't go back in time. I don't know how to be normal with you when I feel like normal for us was completely different from how we feel now. I am sad that I don't know how you feel about all this and that I ask for constant reassurance but I know that it is only because at some point I stopped seeing it in your actions. And maybe you disagree and thought you gave everything you could. Maybe you want to make the argument that you told me everything you were looking for up front. Regardless of all reasons whether right or wrong this is how I feel.
Take it or leave it.

Day 19

you're a stone man

taking hits here and there

cracks leading to more cracks

you're breaking underneath the verdict

and you're hardened by the past

rust forms a barrier between you and your scars

but you are forever infected

now we fear we can't help you

because your self is no longer the problem

you're now so numb you can't see

your family grieves, grieves

they have lost their baby

their son

their stone man

And I watch you blow up

breaking form the inside out

that warm heart of yours

gone

my stone man

all you are now is dust

Day 19

One day we won't exist

These transmitted feelings will vanish

And then you and I will disappear

Mere ghosts that once lived happily

Now all that's here is transparent connections

my experience

Last night I went to a double birthday party in Riverside with a girl friend I once knew in high school. We had been pretty close in high school. She was pure and had hope about life. She was able to see past the cruel world we live in and thrive on. In the care ride I realized that she had never changed, if anything she has only become wiser. I had gone to the party with the intention of not drinking or smoking or doing anything for that matter since I have decided to be sober for a year. When we got to the party it was perfect, yet a little nerve racking since I only knew a few people. Once I wished both the birthday boys a, "Happy birthday," I trailed off to get in to the mix of things. Instead of giving you a total play by play I'll sum it up for you. It was a wonderful night with amazing people. These people at the party were people from high school whom I actually loved ( seeing that most of my high school experience was not ideal ). The night was free, good, and pure just like all them. All they wanted was to enjoy the moment. I danced like an idiot ( I have no rhythm whatsoever ), I made dirty sexual jokes, I forced my self to talk to strangers and just engage myself completely in the moment. Oh and I sang with everyone as the music blared through the speakers. I don't sing in front of people ever. It wasn't as easy at the end as everyone was in a fucked up state. I wanted to be there with them on their level but I didn't falter. I honestly wish I could drink and smoke like a normal person, but one is never enough for me. I drink to feel a part of the whole, to feel connected, to feel out going and fun, to control what people think of me. I realized last night that in that kind of setting I have never had as much control as I had last night despite my previous thinking that if I drank I could control people's perception of me, make them think I was cool and fun. But for once I was sober and happy all in one night. It makes me think sobriety is possible for me. Daniel Radcliffe admitted a year or so ago that he had a problem with drinking and I don't know if he is still sober but I watched him on Jimmy Fallon a few nights ago and he seemed so elated just to be alive. I want that. Last night I think I felt that as I was surrounded by these amazing people with no expectations but to have a good night.

In the past, somewhere for me, it all got lost. I started to pretend to be someone else and in the process I lost my self, my identity, my hopes, my goals, my sanity. It sucks, but I sometimes think it is just something everyone goes through. I fucked up and shit happened in my life that I regret but it happens and that was an inferior time compared to who I am right now. I am not saying I am better than everyone else, because, I am not. I am just trying to do what's right for me. I am trying to be happy with the right tools in my tool box.

It was funny because as I was talking to Maureen she was telling me these deep philosophical stories about her life and in particular about a necklace. She stole a necklace from a friend and she at one point thought it gave her courage and made her fearless. One day she lost the necklace and felt less of that aura of confidence she once had. Later she found the necklace and realized that she no longer felt anything at all. I told her that some things lose their meaning over time. We expect these things to be with us forever, to carry us through the good and bad, but unfortunately their time will pass and all we have to rely on is ourselves.

And this morning I was scheduled to meet a friend whom I am trying to repatch things with since we had a major falling out. I was 10 minutes late, but I was there. She wasn't. And it reminds me of Maureen's story about the necklace and how it lost its meaning. The best friend I used to have is no longer there and I only have myself. It is a sad reality to face and I hope one day she comes around, but I won't hold my breath for now. I decided a while ago that life is to short to be mad/hold a grudge against someone no matter what they did to you. It wastes energy and time being mad at someone. The best thing is to forgive and fucking forget because all those negative vibes aren't worth it. For now I am going to search for some compassion for her because right now I have none and I don't like that.
Lastly, Maureen used the word "Blissed out," and I completely love it and am going to try and use it daily.

all quiet on the western front

I don't really know what to think. I told you I wanted to be friends and all I get is silence. Silence speaks louder than words.
I was thinking about it and maybe if I had said something different that night things would also be different. Sometimes I think you distanced yourself on purpose. Like I had to do the dirty work. Maybe I hurt you like the other girls did, if so, I am sorry because that wasn't my intention. All I wanted is for someone to want me like I want them. I thought you, maybe, and then things changed. Things changed fast and I didn't like it. What should I have done instead?

reprisal

I kept saying it, "I'll be fine."
I made myself believe it.
And now I know it.

Yesterday night I was upset cause I felt abandoned, left to the dogs of love, useless, unworthy, stupid, a fool. I don't feel that way anymore. The last time I was dating someone it ended because we were looking for different things but it hurt to find this out because I felt led on/tricked. Second time around I actually grew to care for someone. Only a month, so what. It finally felt good to care about something, something I knew was real to me. I trust in my feelings. I know myself well enough to know when I am lying to myself and when things are true. Regardless of whether he felt something, I felt something. That's why despite my original reaction of feeling hurt I am now happy because I got to experience, if only for a minute, something that made me happy. I haven't felt that kind of happy with a guy in a while. It is said that I date douchebags and I think the people who say that are right. I have let myself be undermined, used, and treated like shit. That's my fault. I was willing to wait for this one because he did nothing of the sort. I guess for me it is a sign of progress, that I am finally realizing my self worth and allowing someone to treat me the way I should be treated. And honestly in some ways he helped me grow into myself or the self I want my self to be. I still wish we could've worked it out. I wish he would've wanted to try. But, life isn't like a movie and his honesty made his reasons all the more beautiful. How can I not respect his decision to spend time with his friends and work more? I'm glad he wants all that. Ya, I wish I was part of the equation but he said he wants to be friends and hangout. I don't know when that will happen but when it does I'll be happy because he is a good person. A good person or persons in my life is what I need more of. Yes, I do "need" that.
Disclaimer: I write impulsively. For anyone reading this and my past post please don't be offended or think me to be bipolar. I do often change my mind because I have my initial reaction and then my elapsed time reaction which I believe to be more true. So why post my initial reaction? Because I need to express that impulsive melodramatic emotion. Simple as that. I am an artist...that's how I work.

day 11... I think

I'll remember you as you were

hopeless

yet determined

I wish you had ended that way too

instead you lost all will to fight

you threw in the towel before we had even started

I don't blame you

life holds more important things than this

but how do I go back

and pretend this didn't exist?

that I didn't feel so deep about it?

sometimes I think it would've been easier

if we ended in the beginning

cut ourselves loose before the formalities

then I wouldn't have to forget

how happy I was

I could've gone on and prepared for nothing

at least now I know not to wait for rejection again

If only

If only you knew you had it backwards. It is me not you because this is the second time this has happened. With you it was a bit different yet still the same. I am ready and yet not enough. A part of me really believes this because if I was worth it then things would be different. Or maybe I am just stupid and can only find people who want the exact opposite of what I want. I am honestly not sure which it is or if it is all these factors. It hurts less the second time around because I've experienced this before, but it also hurts more than ever because I really wanted this one. I don't know if I will be able to hangout with him cause I don't know if I can handle it all. It hurts when you wanted the best outcome and instead got the worst. I don't like to see what I can't have and maybe that's selfish but what else can I do? Maybe the way I feel about it will change.

new me

So I've been talking a lot and probably thinking too much. This whole change of location from San Francisco to here has really done me good. I have less distraction and more restrictions which enables me to build a better life for myself.
I haven't been drinking or doing drugs as much. I still do all of it on occasion. I'd like to stop this. And it is not easy for me to even attempt this because I finally said it to someone else, "I am mentally and physically addicted to it." Once I heard it out loud it kind of shook me up because I have only confronted my addiction in therapy not in front of someone else.
Lately, I have been talking to two friends who are straight edge. I learned a few things about it and the values that surround this SxE community. It seemed like everything I have ever wanted. I am not saying I am straight edge because I think that is a big commitment that I am not ready to make. But, I am going to try to stay sober for a year in order to gauge how different my life will be without it. I decided this because I haven't drank since this christmas party I went to and I have already felt better about things. I am able to influence my life and my decisions in a positive way. The night of New Year's eve I was riddled with temptation. I just wanted to drink. Anything bad that has ever happened to me that has been directly caused by me has been influenced by drugs & alcohol. I really want what these two people have. I want happiness for myself. I mean in these past few months I have seen a close friend of mine become what I think is very dependent on alcohol, and it saddens me because I see her in myself. I can't erase the past but each day is anew and today is the day I change. I am worried because everyone knows that I love to drink and smoke and just go crazy but what people don't know is how much it has ruined every part of me. I am scared people won't like this new me. I used drugs to make a connection with people, to fit in, to be outgoing and fun. I am afraid I won't be able to do all those things without it. Repetitively in AA they say, "One day at a time." That's exactly what I am going to do because I don't know if I'll be able to be sober on my 21st birthday but I know that today I am sober.
Much love <3