new me

So I've been talking a lot and probably thinking too much. This whole change of location from San Francisco to here has really done me good. I have less distraction and more restrictions which enables me to build a better life for myself.
I haven't been drinking or doing drugs as much. I still do all of it on occasion. I'd like to stop this. And it is not easy for me to even attempt this because I finally said it to someone else, "I am mentally and physically addicted to it." Once I heard it out loud it kind of shook me up because I have only confronted my addiction in therapy not in front of someone else.
Lately, I have been talking to two friends who are straight edge. I learned a few things about it and the values that surround this SxE community. It seemed like everything I have ever wanted. I am not saying I am straight edge because I think that is a big commitment that I am not ready to make. But, I am going to try to stay sober for a year in order to gauge how different my life will be without it. I decided this because I haven't drank since this christmas party I went to and I have already felt better about things. I am able to influence my life and my decisions in a positive way. The night of New Year's eve I was riddled with temptation. I just wanted to drink. Anything bad that has ever happened to me that has been directly caused by me has been influenced by drugs & alcohol. I really want what these two people have. I want happiness for myself. I mean in these past few months I have seen a close friend of mine become what I think is very dependent on alcohol, and it saddens me because I see her in myself. I can't erase the past but each day is anew and today is the day I change. I am worried because everyone knows that I love to drink and smoke and just go crazy but what people don't know is how much it has ruined every part of me. I am scared people won't like this new me. I used drugs to make a connection with people, to fit in, to be outgoing and fun. I am afraid I won't be able to do all those things without it. Repetitively in AA they say, "One day at a time." That's exactly what I am going to do because I don't know if I'll be able to be sober on my 21st birthday but I know that today I am sober.
Much love <3