time kills

I wanted to make it right. I wanted us to be friends. I wanted to go back in time and just redo everything because maybe if we would've started out differently then we could've been happy in the end. I want to destroy the memories of when I thought that it was good. I wish I could hate you for something, because then eliminating you would be easier. But I keep finding myself playing the tapes back, comparing us against others, wondering what it ever was. Sex or love. Sex or love. What if it was neither and instead just a game that had no winner. I laughed a lot last night about sex and other crude things. I cried a little too for the thought that I just failed again at trying to have a healthy relationship. And no one can understand how much I would give to take that moment back, downstairs, expecting fireworks. I didn't know any better. But I am happy for the people like him who will not waste himself just for the need of love. I don't want to want you or want to need you. I want you to go away for a while, or better yet I'd like to get the fuck out of here. But, I can't. So, what do I do now? Give me something more than a good fuck.