hating myself

I can't do it. I just can't. I tell myself that I am easygoing, fun loving, down for anything girl. But I am not. I always want to think I am and then I just start pretending. And I am sorry for constantly changing my mind and not knowing what I want. It's a problem of mine. 1/3 of me wants a filthy kinky hookup and the other 2/3 wants a stable relationship. And I am not searching for a boyfriend anymore, I need to love myself more, but is it so bad that I don't want to wait for whoever he is. I need to be prudent, I know. I am just sorry that I let you think it was all okay. Cause it's not. My heart hurts. And you know what hurts even more, someone who does not want you to have that special place in your life because you might ruin their happiness. That hurts the most. The fact that I let you fuck me after hearing those words is my own fault. All of this is my own doing. I do that sometimes, I cause my own self destruction. And I won't be mean but I won't be warm to you, we aren't friends(never have been)and I let you treat me like a dirty fuck because you said you liked my company. Most of all I am mad at myself.