college student life of unhappiness

Well here I am, college student in her dorm room trying to decide if she is happy. Happiness is such a variable term, not meaning one thing in particular. You could b happy with a container of nutella and unlimited bananas or even saving peoples lives all day. Every time I think of the word happy, something different comes to mind, meaning that I possibly don't know what I want. Maybe happiness is more than a state of mind, maybe it's a conceptual place that I can spread my wings and fly to. I guess if you asked me what my life would look like if I was happy then I would answer that to have a happy life and be happy internally I would want... (by the way this is an extreme fantasy image in my head that changes every 7 seconds) to be traveling the world with a moderately nice camera, my mac, a b.s. degree in biology, a huge ipod filled with the most memorable miraculous songs, pursuing an M.D. in the near future, falling in love with every turn around a corner, having friends from all over the world, having the ability to jump on trains with only $5 in my wallet. In a way I believe and have always believed that happiness for me is change. The ability to get up and go change your surroundings is happiness. I once read a quote saying that the person who wants to leave the place they call home is not happy with themselves... or something along those lines. I guess I feel bound by myself, my parents and society. Everything has consequences and life isn't fair. I think I am having trouble realizing that maybe this exact moment is not the time to get up and go on a train to timbuck two or to relinquish all my valuables and live on the streets, I think this is a time to realize that ability to have happiness is around me, even if it's not my ideal form of happiness. I live in one of the most amazing cities in the world and I am talking about leaving it, going to places I don't even know of. Maybe everyone has the dream of getting away, living their life by the seat of their pants. I feel like I am being selfish and ignorant. Why can't I do what I want to do? Yes maybe I can stow away to Europe in someone's suitcase but I could surely study abroad or something. Maybe I need a plan to become happy. Maybe happiness happens on its own. I am not sure, I know I have been happy but never a constant happiness excluding the exception of this summer. So here I am, a college student not writing her final english paper and dreaming about the things that have the possibility to be. I will find a way.

Do you remember.

Do you remember the sting that etched a memory into heart. True love breaks its promise every time. There you are alone, quiet, hungry for something that will stretch your stomach lining till you burst because all you yearn for is to feel the bitter taste of love after being numb from it for so long. So do you remember the high school dates with chocolate chocolate milkshakes and your dad letting you take out his T bird, or asking your parents if you could stay out one extra hour because it would mean so much too you. We all wanted that high school puppy dog, heartbreaking, gooey, sappy, drizzling, scrumptous, forbidden love. It once tasted so sweet. Most of us grow out of that high school, he said, she said, love phase. We either become prostitutes who don't charge money but who charge everything in the fine print; your house, dog, netflix account, toothpaste, and most importantly your love. But, these prostitutes pretending otherwise making it seem that it's all fun and games no strings attached, and whether it's you, them, or both of you, someone gets attached and WAHHHBAMMM you're in a relationship. Now the others who graduate from a puppy dog love crush go into celibacy basically, saving themselves for the special people, giving things time before jumping into a dark ocean that holds no reprieve, they covet love in the best way possible; time and patience. I have become the first example. Always searching, hoping, wishing, wanting love, or something of the sort. But, once again here I am with no lessons learned and my girlfriend telling me that he was the immature one. I'm not here to argue whether it was I or him who caused the problem, whether it was a joint mission to destruction. I guess I am writing because I don't know what else to do. I am stuck with a side of me being sad that things ended this way and a side of me saying "honey, he was a fucking jerk most the time and this is for the best." (I am picturing Fran Fine giving me this advice ) How do we get ourselves into these tangles? These horrible dumbfounding webs of mess that stick to our fingers even after the millionth rinse from the sink with the abrasive soap. I'd like to think it was all my fault because in that case then I can try to fix it, if it was his fault then I can't fix it, I can only accept that he really is a fucking douche bag ignorant rude son of a bitch. He really isn't all those things, just a rude immature jerk, that about covers it. I guess I was just expecting us to all grow up and start acting differently, start acting better because going back to the high school love years really sucks. Why can't we all get along? Why can't Molly find love? Also why are movies so easily able to put in love scenes where the football player and the studious girl kiss in the rain in front of the whole school? When does this magical stuff all take place? I must be sitting on the couch moping when it goes on because all I see is complications, heartbreak, stress and sometimes happiness.

A blogger short.

Her lids shut tight
the binding crusts over with dried blood and pus
she wiggles her eyes in attempt to break them out
stuck together, she is left blind and yet it was only a second ago that she remembers seeing the sun
glowing globe-like orb that blazed with streaks of yellow, red and orange
a combination of hope
feeling the pulse of it's power beating through her skin
all she wanted was to open her eyes wide shut
break the stitches
the silence
see again
for so long she has been watching visions from her cornea play against the integument
dark shadows coming from nowhere
lurking behind lies, she tried to scream
she drew up her hands to her eyes and dug into every bound silent sound
pulling apart the mutiny that was keeping her in the dark
blood dripped from her pupils rolling down her check to the slight smirk of her mouth
the copper taste reminded her of the bitter end that was ahead
and despite her disturbing bloody face
the stitches hung limp
finally she could see her light again.

blank

this page has been open and blank for about 15 minutes

I know I have a lot of things on my mind, lots of things to say but yet all I can write is the rambling bull shit.

I guess I am at the point that most people come to, a cross roads with no signs. Lack of signs doesn't mean lack of directions it just means that you have no idea what direction leads where. It's having no map with people telling you to follow your heart then, no, follow your head.

But it's not about direction it's about decisions.

What am I going to do?
What an unbearable question
How I wish I could curl into a ball and sleep for a long while, wake up renewed with no worries and tons of answers.

I don't really think I even have that big of problems that would contain answers maybe I just need to make some life changes.

Is it really easy to make life changes through a to do list, a 1., 2., 3. list. Maybe.

I am going to make one change for sure. cut my hair. I think it will help with many things.

stay tuned for changes, maybe even happiness

The big C

Change. The big "C" known as change. Our lives can be somewhat habitual, tedious, never ending, and always the same but, they say the only constant is change. I do believe that everyday I wake up in some way changed and renewed but now I want to talk about the big changes, the life decision changes. The change to be better and do better. Recently I changed two parts of my life, I let people in, one is someone from the past and one is someone from the future. I get so stuck on the past and about history repeating itself that I don't give "change" a chance. After high school I had ended my friendship with Elly S. after having a sort of fall out. I felt like she never had time for our friendship, that she would make empty promises and that I could never be friends with someone who wasn't there. The thing is Elly was there for me at my darkest time and for a while, up until now, I had shut her out and forgotten about everything we once shared. I don't know what changed in my perception or if I decided to forgive, forget, and move on but, we are now talking again and in ways I think we are starting to enrich each other's lives again even if it is through texting ( she's 800 miles away or whatever the mileage is from here to SoCal ). Change can be looked at as good and bad, but I have decided that all change is good or has the prospect of being good. Why? Besides the fact that you can turn any bad situation into a positive one, change, allows us to grow. How many times a day do we hold back, do the things we hate, have a regret, or wish we could sleep till things got better? Change is this uncontrolled force that makes us experience life as it should be. We resist change but change finds us. Maybe all this is obvious but recently I have been wanting change...real change. I have received it and allowed it to have its way with me. For as long as I can remember I have felt like the guys I have been with have all been focused on having sex with me and never really taking the chance to know me, all of me, the bad parts of me and the good. I felt like people didn't care if my favorite color was maroon. I clearly had some prime examples of guys only using me for sex. I allowed them to because I had a low self esteem and thought that was the only way anyone could like me. When you realize your short comings in life, such as the idea that guys only want you for sex, you start to throw everyone else out. I mean that whether a guy is a good guy or a bad guy, you shut him out assuming that he is like all the rest... another pig in the bunch. This of course is ignorance but also unwillingness to accept change. I have recently accepted the change that someone truly likes me and is interested in me for who I am. It was hard, at first I tried to shut him out, make up excuses, but now I have realized that he is the change in my life. A change that will hopefully lead to more change.

In my previous blog I had talked about balance, and someone, anonymous, posted this comment "I think the key to being balanced isn't fulfilling all your needs and wants, it's more about being ok with having needs and wants as you try to fill them. Recognizing that you'll never fill them all is one of the biggest steps you can make towards finding that "balance." Thank you to whomever this is... But it's so true that I have been trying to fulfill every thing, every last freaking thing that I have ever wanted and or dreamed about. My parents used to tease me when I was a child about nagging them about how," I wanted this, and that, and that, and this." Never satisfied. I think not being satisfied is a factor to my binge with alcohol, men, and money. But here I am exploring my thoughts on my lack of balance and never being satisfied and I think I have found an answer. Of course I want a new iphone, new clothes, a better job, less drinking, a good grade in biology and statistics but I can't have it all, I need to pick what is most important to me and then pursue it. So, I decided there are some things I need to concentrate on, some things I want to accomplish and then I can leave out all the rest. This would be another change in my life, being satisfied with the moderate things in my life and indulging in only the richest things of growth, love, and happiness. Balance will come from being happy with the things I cannot change and changing the things I can. I will post another blogs when I have decided on the important things and what I want to change. For now, change is inevitable, change is good, change is life and growth.

Finally have the time of day

I have been immensely busy recently whatnot with work, work, homework, school, and more fucking work. Levis has abused me and I am throughly glad that Nov. 6th is my last day because I will finally start to have a life again, a life that doesn't include being bitched at and folding jeans. I have been yearning to write lately, thoughts have literally been swimming in my head like a school of fish, so many of them. So now that I have a little bit of time I will put them all out here... it will probably be similar to my other posts, an overall encompassing blog.

Last night I watched The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus for the second time and I also watched 2 interviews with Terry Gilliam after the ending of the movie. Gilliam basically spews out a bunch of ideas/themes into one masterpiece. His interviews really made me contemplate how my life is going and what the fuck I am going to do with my life. The big question of, "What do you want to do with your life?" Jesus, that brings up so many difficulties. Am I really doing everything I want to do? No, because everything I want to do is not possible thought it is surely not impossible. Everyday I say to myself, "I want to do that." Maybe it's my attitude of believing it not being possible at the moment but you can't do everything right? I don't know if I really have a concise answer to that yet. But to go back to Gilliam, he talks about imagination a lot. For a while I have thought my imagination and most people's to be dead. I remember I used to set up my plastic animals in my parents "big" showers for an hour then I would play for an hour or until the water ran cold. I could imagine the animals having emotions and scenarios. It was wonderful, I was so happy pretending whether it was with my Breyer horses, Barbies, or plastic animals. Some associate imagination with youth/ being a child. When you grow up, you lose it, you mature (sort of peter pan-ish). I have always adored the story of Peter Pan and in a sense I don't want to grow up, I don't want to lose my creativity, my imagination, the life that breathes air into my soul. What if I could create for the rest of my life. I guess this is the time when the question comes in, " Are you really doing what you want to do in life?" " Do you really want to go to medical school and be a doctor?" This question suprisingly does not stress me out it only stirs deep thoughts. I decided at some point that I want to do great things with my life and my abilities. I have this ability to sympathize, connect, and have complete compassion for others. I love the human body, it truly amazes me. Everything to do with the science field truly sparks the lightbulb or many lightbulbs in my brain. So here I am, a biology major with a concentration in cell and molecular biology with hopes of going to medical school yet yearning to do other things. Other things being animation, art, cinema, singing, horse back riding, EVERYTHING. I can give you reasons as to why these aren't possible right now but it's too lengthy of an explanation. I just don't want to look back and say "God, I wish I could've done that." Already I have tried a lot of things from volleyball to singing lessons. Being in San Francisco really makes me want to utilize all that is here and no where else. I have a friend who truly seems like he has it all, all that he has ever wanted/wished for. He's got opportunities up to timbuck two. How does it do it? How does he balance it all? That's something I wish I had; balance. He makes it seem absolutely effortless. I am jealous. What's the key to balance? I am thinking that if I pursue my dreams that somehow my imagination will come back. My life will become magical. I guess I feel that things are missing in my life, I am still satisfied with life but there are things that could make it amazing like my friends life. In general I throughly enjoy making lists whether it's a list of what to do tonight or things I want to accomplish. Though, this subject/problem I feel cannot be solved by a list. For once I want to feel fulfilled with no wants or yearnings just opportunities to enrich my life. We waste so much time, such as in this blog, complaining of what we fall short of. It' good for me to write it all out and be introspective. I need to just do these things, make a plan or a list, or what for destiny. I don't know but I am tired of losing the things that are within my grasp, things that have diminished over time, I want my imagination back.

no time for nothing; a bitch blog

I gots no time for nothins
not even somethin
go here
go there
a never ending cycle
of muni, work, muni, bed
no time to look at a watch
no time to take a breath
no time to do anything fun
but fold jeans till my death
and thats why i got no time for nothins
not even somethin
stuck in the rut of 9-5
no lunch, no break
just going till it's gone
now no time to look at daisies
no time to read food labels
i'm left with no time for nothins
not even somethin
what the fuck can i do?



So it's angering when I try and get back on track with studying and actually going to classes and then I get thrown with a ton of hours at work. Yes, I put in my two weeks notice but so many things are coming up in THIS week that I need a solid amount of time for. Plus, I am recovering from bronchitis... seriously... I am angered cause I don't have time for anything, not a tutor, not to clean up the bathroom, not to sit down and eat, not to actually read the required pages in Frankenstein. When did everything start getting out of hand? fuck is the precise word for this situation: too much to do and not enough time. fuck. THIS IS A BITCH BLOG. nothing philisophical or mildly interesting just bitching.

goal #1

For my english 214 class we are reading selected chapters from John R. Tremble's, Writing with Style and something that really turned on the lightbulb was chapter 7 on readability. I understand that this is just a blog, nothing more or less, and that most people like myself are writing for themselves. The whole point of readability is connecting with your reader and being natural. Tremble says, "It [being natural] shows me that he or she trusts me enough to show vulnerability and not be afraid of me," which I feel I do exemplify yet also lack. From now on I am going to try and have prose that is precise, conscious, easy and fresh. I just feel like I try so hard not to give names and specifics that my blog becomes formal and stuffy. So I'll try and write like I am talking to you the readers (even if there is only two) as if you were sitting across the coffee table from me with a danish in one hand and a look of enticement spread on your face.

confuzzled

I have been trying to pinpoint how I have been feeling in the past 48 hours. I am still unsure but I have come up with the analogy of my life being like a glass half empty and half full. Either way you are looking at it, you are still missing a half. I realize the fullness of my life but I also feel like I am missing something. I am unsure of what I am missing but I feel like it is something.
I thought at first maybe it was that I wasn't busy enough, didn't have enough to do but I figured out very clearly this weekend that that is not the case at all. And then I thought maybe I need to have some recreational past time to indulge myself in, such as yoga or something. This theory might be true. And then I thought about having a significant other. I have been out of a serious relationship for about a year now and I have been enjoying being single. Lately it seems I have been juggling a bunch of potentials. They all seem potentially good, they all have discrepancies, they all are...hmmm. I feel like all my blogs are about guys, that's pathetic. Oh well, it is what it is. I feel overwhelmed by the opportunities and I guess also a little scared. The saying, "trash is, as trash does," rings a bell. Basically the fear that things will go bad frightens me to the point of overwhelming to the next point where I just stop caring (we can't let that happen). How does a peacock get rid of its feathers and become a song bird? That's basically what I need to do. Of course we could just pluck the peacock dry and give him a trumpet to play but maybe it would be harder to change the ways of a human. Vague, vague , vague, I know. Just give me change and I'll be happy. Only I can change this, though sometimes it would be nice to blame it on somebody else.
Give me change or give me death. ( a bit drastic but true in the end )
Everybody says when you stop looking then you will find love. I am not looking I am contemplating trying to figure out what I should and shouldn't do. All I want is someone and happiness. No drama. No dependency. But, when you're 18 how do you find anyone worth your lovable time? I mean if you don't want just a hookup then who's left? Sure there's some out there and maybe I've struck gold, maybe not. I guess I just needed to write some of this down and get it out of my head even if it is pathetic and stupid.
everyone needs somebody.
And here I am thinking of who I need and want and seriously... I don't even need to be making a decision yet because there's nothing to make a decision about.
LIVE IN THE PRESENT.
Take a deep breath and say it will all work out for the best.
Take things slow and don't drink too much.
Be okay with leaving some broken hearts.

Funny lessons wrapped in rotting meat with flies

Even the harshest lessons have a silver lining. Even the unbearable situations can become bearable once you have realized how they have helped you see a glimmer of light. Light signifying growth and hope. They say people come into our lives during certain moments for certain reasons, sometimes never known. I, most of the time get wrapped up in guys. Whatever guy it is, I obsess over what this and that means. I do it I think partially because I base a lot of my friendship with men on sex, and sex makes everything more messier to understand. I get so torn over the simplest situations that mean nothing. I bet every guy reading is thinking I am crazy and that they will never talk to me again because I am too complicated (And really that's fine). But back to the point I was trying to make. I got myself in a situation where nothing made sense to me, 1+2 did not equal 3 it equaled 256.89394 or some shit like that. It would seem that I should be a mathematician or following some profession with definite answers instead of Biology which seems to be a big mystery in many aspects. I just don't like ambiguity in my relationships and or friendships. Biology is still in the cards for me! So in this situation I seriously blew it up with a grenade then tried to put the pieces back together, I have learned something not only from the first situation but from another situation as well. Sorry if this is hard to follow. Basically I realized what I deserved and what I didn't. Sometimes you stereotype someone as being cool, nerdy, a jock, preppy, yada yada yada which sometimes leads to you putting them on a pedestal or the lowest part of the totem pole. To which ever degree you put them upon, conditions come with the way you view them. I viewed someone a certain way, so much to the point I was blinded from the stupidity and frankness of the whole situation. It was as if I was a blind person running into doors because I didn't have my seeing eye dog yet someone or something kept barking in the background to make it seem like there was the helpful dog. Too many bruises later and I realized. I realized after the failed friendships/relationships, whether it was because of me or them, that I deserve better and in some cases that they deserve better. I can't say I was Susie Sunshine throughout the situation because trust me, I wasn't, I was more like the girl in the Exorcist with pea soup projectile vomit and a spinning demonic head. That's okay, everyone has their crazy moments. Anywho, I was able to learn that I deserve better from one person, one person only, even though through multiple therapy sessions I was told exactly what he showed me. I wish I could put a single word to what my friend made me feel, I guess the word would be, WANTED. Making an effort is everything. I spent basically lets say 2ish maybe less semesters hoping and waiting for this person to the first person to make an effort, to show me that they meant what they said. Is it too much to ask for a little dedication or even the tiniest ounce of willingness or trying. I mean maybe I am wrong about this all. My friend from the second situation showed me that he doesn't need anything from me, no sex, no nothing, and he still comes to see me for only 3 minutes. Of course I wanted to see him longer because he is a good friend of mine but for various reasons we couldn't. But that is 3 minutes more and a million minutes more spent talking on the phone (doesn't live in sf) than the boy who lives next store ever did. I do not want anyone to take this the wrong way, I have no hate for this guy he just didn't do what I thought he should be doing so I came to the conclusion that he is not enough, I deserve more. Maybe I am greedy. Maybe I am wrong. But in this certain scenario I wasted my own sweet time on something that couldn't even ask me what my favorite color was. For your information my favorite color is maroon. I mean it may seem greedy, as if I expect too much but before I was seriously expecting nothing and that was wrong on my part.

"I am worth it." It took me a long time to understand and believe those words but someone has truly shown me the truth to these words. More than ever I believe this. And guess what, we are purely friends. I take joy in finding these happy, funny lessons covered in horrible rotting meat with circling, vulture like flies.

Loveless

I just watched the movie The Ugly Truth. Not worth watching, trust me.

Why is being loved by friends and family not enough sometimes? Why do we search for someone to kiss us goodnight, somebody to say 'you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen,' someone to wash our hair when we are too drunk to know what's going on, someone to passionately make whoopee with, someone to love? The song lyrics Somebody To Love by the band Queen...

Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

So according to the lyrics and most people's views, we need to find somebody to love. My girl friends talk of getting married at 22 years old and having kids at 25. I just don't understand this need. Of course everybody needs love in their life even if it is love from a pet. I am graced with tons and tons of love. So, why do I feel the need to get more love, to find somebody to love. Am I not satisfied with the love I keep? Is it because I don't love myself enough? Maybe this isn't a daunting question to anyone but me because most accept loving a significant other as a part of life. A part of the cycle. Some have the argument of not wanting to be alone in the end. But I suppose that is another story/blog in itself. I just would love to know the answer to why we are sometimes obsessed with love. Love isn't all hearts and rainbows. Love can be destruction, madness, pain. Why put ourselves through the heartbreak? Do we do it so we can experience the moments of bliss. I keep telling myself I don't need someone, not ever, not now. I know it can be beautiful to have someone but also painful. What is love anyways? Is it fighting over a photo taken with a guy friend from 2 years ago? Is love sitting in silence with someone and watching the grass grow. Sometimes I think I have never experienced the moments one shares when they are really in love. I mean truly, really in love. I have experienced moments that I will never forget, I have cared unconditionally for someone, I have thought someone was the guy I wanted to be with forever. What constitutes love? Right now I feel loveless.

Kismet

Kismet, in the online Merriam-Webster dictionary is simply put as, FATE. What is fate? I think it probably has many different meanings for many different people, especially people who are religious. Since I am not I suppose I will make my own definition of the word kismet.

You ask yourself so many questions when you don't understand things. "Why didn't I get the job?" "Why do I hate jello?" "Why didn't that asshole get off his phone and let me walk the crosswalk?" "Why doesn't he like me?" "Why did this have to happen to me?" I think that last one is maybe the most infamous amongst most people. Sometimes we are faced with burdens and other times, good graces. When do we label the hardships, fate? When does getting the best job in the world become fate? We naturally like to blame others, saying,"That girl pushed me aside as we were walking down 19th and that's why I missed the muni and that's why I was late to work." When is it our fault or fate? When do you let go and let God? Alright so maybe I shouldn't speak of what I do not believe, sorry if it was offensive. But my point is when do you let kismet have its way with you? When do you let go of the control you can never possess. I am not talking religion here. I am saying in a non-theistic way when do you say, "what will be, will be." So many times have I struggled to control people, control how they think of me, control what they do, what the say and yada yada yada. When do I let my tense shoulders down and say okay if that's the way it is then that's the way it is. My cross country coach in H.S. used to yell over the crowd at the races, "Molly put your shoulders down, RELAX!" Never have I truly known relaxation. But I suppose that's kind of who I am, a worry wart. But lately some events have happened, some things that I didn't see coming and some that I did. The one event I tried so hard to control ended, as usual, in smoke. The one I sort of encouraged yet still let it happen on it's own, it sort of blossomed from the bud it was cowering in. In my life I have searched for acceptance. All the time I have hoped for many things to make me more appealing to anybody and everybody. I don't think I was an attention whore or anything, I think I just wanted to be liked. And though I still possess that urge to fit in, it's not as significant because I have let go and let myself be (in a sense). When you stop trying I think things happen more freely, maybe more good then bad. I mean somehow we are here on earth equipped with free will, the ability to do anything. Murder someone or raise 500 million dollars for cancer treatment. All of it comes down to you and fate. There is only so much you can control and though I consider myself very persistent to the point of obsession (which is completely and totally unhealthy). I have learned through 2 situations that when I do what I think is right and then let it go, let fate or the polar universe deal with it, something happens, it works out for the best. When I talk about lessening your control I am not saying give up all control, sit on your ass watching TV and expect to win a free car from Jeopardy. I am saying there comes a point where you can't do anything, where you wish you had all the controls of the universe but alas, you don't. Where you say , "if only." I only know this because I am an avid controller. Puppet strings n' all. But I have tried so hard for so long to make people feel a certain way about me, to change their minds, but, it has only caused things to fully get messy and out of hand. I wish I always knew that certain point of when to let go but I suppose it's all about experience. I mean you're skydiving and you know you need to pull out the parachute but you aren't sure exactly when so, you free ball it and pull it out later than sooner...uh-oh. But, still you released it and the wind caught underneath the round colorful dome of the parachute, carrying you down through the sky, giving you an amazing view.

Bottom line : You can't control everything (Keep reminding yourself that and I will too)

So here goes, I have tried enough to construct something beautiful and this god awful structure of clay is just not able to be made into a pot. So I say fine, if not a pot then you are a ceramic version of Michael Jackson's face (Maybe I shouldn't talk ill of the dead :/ oh well )

Grandpa, for your birthday

I will always remember you holding me at the fair
a ring of strung flowers adorned my hair
the petals fell on my lashes
you swept them away so that I could see life
and taste the sweetness in the air
feel the sun shine pieces of light
hear the laughter that pierced any hate
touch my heart strings and let them sing
you showed me the meaning of everything
love
forgive
continue
laugh
eat a lot
persevere
courage
pride
happiness

you dream of princesses and princes
dragons being slayed in your honor
unicorns filling the sky as they dance upon the clouds
feasts fit for the king in his castle
a wonderland of forest creatures
streams flowing with silver blue water
and you look around and there is nothing of this
no fairytale land where dreams come true
no merlin to grant you wishes
or arcamedies to look after you
left with pebbles and stones
worms slizerring through the dirt
a sheath covers none of you
exposed to the grave things that await
no princes
youre not a princess
no glass slippers on your feet
you are an ordinary girl
lost in the end of the book of a magical world

A disastrous disaster that only makes the world fatter

^ the above title really isn't a reflection of what this blog is about...but it rhymed and I think maybe in some odd way it works

So a disaster erupted on behalf of a bottle of wine and my cooped up, malicious anger. I had made a promise to turn off my phone when drinking well last night I didn't. In the movie Knocked Up, Seth Rogen says "you know how they say never drink and drive, well never drink and bone." That always makes me laugh but I am here to say don't drink and text. I was angry last night maybe not even truly angry about one thing but actually angry at the situation, angry at myself, possibly even angry from the insight in what I was about to do. I made a mistake. I actually became exactly like a person that I now hate. To give some background to who I am referring to and what, last year my friend "broke up" with me also known as stopped being my friend abruptly. She followed with nasty, disgusting, mean, malicious, vicious, heart breaking texts that truly shook me up. I couldn't believe she could be so down right mean to me. I couldn't process it. To most (95%0 of the texts I didn't respond, I didn't even bother with her immaturity. I felt better for not responding too. And last night I really turned into the green goblin. I was angry about a current situation not necessarily the person but I went on sending accusatory texts to this person. The were horrible just how my past friend's texts' were to me. I literally had no inhibition and wanted to tear him down to my level, make him feel pain or something. As soon as I had the taste of being evil sizzling in my mouth I ran with it. It's like coke, it tingles in your mouth like fairy dust landing on each individual taste bud and then you have to have more, you stretch to every limit to get more. It was sick what I was doing, tearing someone down to build myself back up. And it was like I had transformed into this villain, this evil person because really I don't think that's who I am. I was surprised in the morning to find I had said everything I had said. Alcohol is clearly not my friend. Bent over with sickness I couldn't believe I would stoop so low, lower than low, negative low. I tried to apologize to this person and explain that I was on a power high and basically had all these feelings built up which consequently, last night, exploded. I told this person I meant everything I said but no one deserves to be talked to like that. I originally tried to call him to apologize but then when I couldn't reach him I sent a text. He furthered it by telling me all the stuff I knew that was wrong. He said I had no right to say those things and how he didn't want to be friends with me if I really got that mad about stuff. When this situation happened to me, except I was in his place I forgive the person who wronged me. I knew I would never be this persons friend again but I forgave her none the less. Maybe it's pathetic but in the end I realized that I was out of line even if in the situation we both made mistakes. When he responded to my vile text message he made me feel guilty, or you could say I allowed myself to feel guilty because I knew I was wrong( My thoughts have always been that no one can make you feel guilty except yourself). So there I was after being a criminal of humanity I was asking for a second chance. Balls in your court, do with it what you will. I wanted to start over from scratch because from the start I went about it the wrong way ( even though I say "I" I do believe the situational problem was his fault but I cannot talk for him to say if he agrees so for now I will use only "I"). I did what I always did and put the cart before the horse, I got in deep and was intoxicated with it. In this situation I had accepted other peoples judgement upon him instead of making my own. With a re-do I would rather get to know him and truly end up hating his guts rather than just go off what people told me. All along while we were uhmm friends or whatever I kept hope that he wasn't what everyone made him out to be. I have been in a place where people have judged me wrongly based on the gossip from haters mouths'. I don't think he wants to try again to be friends and really I don't think I would if I were him. I am a good person, I know that but it doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes. This was my mistake or learning experience that I can add to my list. But, truly I have made this same mistake before. And to say I fucked that up too is on point but somehow I redeemed myself in the end. This is all because I am a good person who makes mistakes. I will make sure this is the last time I ever make this mistake. So lesson for anyone reading this is speak from your heart, try to understand others instead of just yourself, never drink and text when angry, forgive and give second chances when needed. Who knows what he will choose to do. One can only hope for forgiveness.

sexy time

Well I am on a blogging road rage here. I am just documenting short thoughts as they come. With my wealthy experience with mean I have learned that no guy between the ages of 18-28 wants anything from you but SEX. SEX, SEX, SEX. Of course sex is great, fun, amazing, orgasmic, blah blah blah. Though some seem to think you can base a whole relationship on this tasty, succulent act of physical sometimes emotional love. I mean if you send naked pictures any guy and every guy is totally down... down to talk, down to text, down to fuck and then forget you totally exist. And really, personally I should've known better. And let me just say that it's not all the men, women are of course just like this but since my experience is with men I shall talk about them. In these situations girls know what they can get if they show a little skin... whether it's a one night stand or a sexy, revealing picture in return. I know that people with intentions to start a relationship are out there. And I know that people who don't want to start a relationship are focused on only sex. I guess what bothers me is that I, or some people have to use sex to get a guys attention and maybe that means I have a shitty personality ( so much that people would rather see my tits than actually have a conversation with me). When I say conversation I am talking about a 2 way discussion, not a "hi" and "bye" convo. Also if you actually want to make a person feel like you want to get to know them then you should probably ask them questions when you talk to them like " what's your favorite animal" or "what are your plans for tonight." Maybe I am being a bit pretentious here, and YES I bring this discontent upon myself but I have experienced both. That both being happiness when someone truly tries to get to know me and being upset when people would rather grovel over my body. There are decent guys out there, I see them and know them but I am so turned of by the possibility of everything being about sex that I am taking some days off from trying. In this case maybe I try too hard.

No means no

Sometime I wonder why they don't get it. No means, no. How hard is it to understand, "I don't speak no other language." I tell you, "no I don't want to drink." "No I don't want to have sex with you." "No you're truly a mean bastard." And even in times that you're incapacitated and cannot say verbally no, you think your malicious body language or even your shy pull away from the situation would be a fucking clue. Yet they are persistent. Never ending always persistent. But then again I look at myself and say "Molly, you're a full fledged hypocrite." When people tell me no I think I am persistent to a certain point and then eventually I get the picture (even if I am still emotionally persistent). In a certain situation , I , myself have been persistent. Always buying for attention. My roommate said something interesting to me today, "Maybe you're chasing cause he is running." I laughed and then had the dissatisfied expression of "fuck , you're right." So in this situation of no means no I am going to take my own advice.

What's the point?

What's the point of this blog for me? Honestly why would I even put something online that nobody reads and nobody follows. I was looking at some so called "noteworthy" blogs and I liked a few of them and then others were in my opinion just stupid or weird. Maybe I am not getting their point or whatever and maybe I am being a cocky bastard assuming that my blog is actually interesting. But I do think that some things I say are interesting. But who am I writing this for? Myself possibly? Maybe I can say I am documenting shit that one day I'll read and remember in my old age. Then again maybe not. Maybe this blog will eventually be covered with more dust than it already has.

sweet dreams are made of this.

Have you ever had an improbable fantasy, not a dream but something your mind craved, something that kept it driving onward? That fantasy was almost quenching a thirst you've had for quite some time because it has been what you dream of but it was not a dream because dreams do come true. Dreams are reachable, fantasies never come true. Yet you believe in your fantasies because they seem good, sometimes better than you could dream because they were thought up with the mind not the heart. And when the heart is not in play, it has no say, things all of a sudden become simpler. But when the fantasies fall like stars from the sky, skyrocketing out of the atmosphere, it burns a whole in your heart. Something so logical had to work, or at least you thought for sure it would. But of course it was only a fantasy, a fool hardy thought that was selfish and indulgent about things that can never happen. Dreams are pure, fantasies are not. If I could, I would stop myself from having any fantasies spewing, smoldering, brewing in my head. All they bring is empty wondering of why it did not, why could not it have worked. Your world won't come crashing down yet because sweet dreams are made of this.

life?

I have been running, always, never a moment when I haven't been running to get away
to lose myself in the journey
and never look back
and you know what? it has never once worked for me
The runnin has brought me nowhere but to where I've always been
depressed, alone, searing for a spec of connection
In my times of running I have stumbled upon good moments and bad moments, each keeping me running
but you can't run forever kid, you can try but you won't survive
I've been running from myself, the pain, the pity, even the great things because I'd rather sit in the rain than enjoy the sunshine bliss
But I think I have started to realize that I am me and life just is.
I am funny because Maddy laughs at my jokes
I am creative with my art whether its painting or creating a tea party hat
I am loved by so many amazing people from my parents to my rat
and I know I am hated by people too
I have a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to want to cut myself to stop from being numb
Yet I am beautiful because my brown not so ordinary blue eyes and my cupid bow lips plus don't forget my porcelain skin
I am active when I want to lose weight or reap the pleasure of endorphins
I am defeatist because I feel I don't deserve any of it
I use sex , drugs, alcohol to connect
I'll smoke a blunt to forget why I began
I'll cry for the beauty of the world and also for the pain it brings
I will walk to the trails walked by many but I wont forget to smell the golden perfume of every flower I pass
I will tear up my poems calling them worthless shit
I will say I'm not good enough because after desperate pleas you still don't want me
I will bark and meow randomly because its stupid yet it makes me smile
I will cower when people say something I don't agree with because all I want to do is fit in
I will wait till 5am to talk to someone 8,000 miles away because he is a good person
I will do jumping jacks in throton hall for a bio lab and feel my boobs going up and down
I will wish I had a melodic voice like Judy Garland
I will finger paint on a fresh canvas because the paint feels slimy an silky at the same time
I will walk out into the rain so that I can cry without anyone being the wiser
I will be creeped out by the guy who eyefucks me on the airplane then tells me about his kids
I will always say it feels like summer when I smell the barbeque grill smoke in the wind
I will hate that marine forever and never forgive
I will reread harry potter again and again till my fingers can't turn the page from 704 to 705
I will wear my fishnet knee highs proudly in the middle of the day
I will cross my fingers in hope of an "A" on the test and then get a "C" wondering why I never studied
I will rejoice in finding the necklace I lost two months ago
I will fall to sleep while listening to a math lecture
But what I've learned is that it is all about me
I...
I can see life as it is, a great and terrible beauty
while I cry about it and be depressed
But I wont because life just is.
If life is dealing you shitty cards you up the anty because you believe you can win or at least hope you can
If you are already holding 5 million dollars in chips you keeping betting high for the chance that you will win or lose it all
Because life aint easy, never has been, never will be
But by some miracle you're in it
you're alive and god damn me if that is not enough reason to smile
So, maybe you lost your home
your boyfriend left you
and your life is so shitty that your pointer finger is on the trigger trembling
ready to end it and go to easy street
but wait
you have free will
free will to make the best or worst of this situation
and though death may be a easy, selfish, blissful idea
it's a waste to even think about it
Because life is what you make it
and though there may be things that you will never be able to change
you deal with the cards in your hand.
It all comes down to me
to you
and nobody else
So stop running kid, life will catch up to you and remind you that things are shit
but it's not worth it to give up and give in
life is meant to be lived

dutch.. who cares much? I do.

Why do I wait patiently for the witching hour in which we will talk? Why do I sacrifice sleep to read the words you type to me? Why do I care enough for you? You are some person I don’t know, the only things I know of you are what you present. You could be a rapist, gang banger, druggie, pedophile, but somehow I trust you. Is it ignorance. Then I am sure it’s true that ignorance is bliss. You could disappear in a second and then I would never hear another word from you. I would be crushed. Why would someone be crushed over someone she hardly knows? Because I think I know you, I think you have shared special moments with me, and that we have some sort of connection. That is why I do all of this pathetic nonsense. I debate with myself whether it is pathetic and a waste of time or if I am truly creating something worthwhile. What’s worth while when everything eventually dies. I am trying to be realistic yet I can’t be because I so want to believe in my own fairy tale ending. But the chances of that glass slipper being slipped onto my foot by you is 99.9% unlikely. Why waste my beauty sleep over you? See here I try and justify why it’s ok to wait for something that will never come while also telling myself I am stupid for even continuing to talk to someone extremely, extensively unavailable. Someone I knew used to say, “I love you more than the sun loves the flowers.” So could I say I love you more than I even know? Why indulge yourself in something you cannot have, it brings only disappointment if you’re me. If you’re a sensible person you would realize that it is not possible and that ‘you and him’ do not exist. And no matter how cute his face is when he pacifies your cynical views with his dutch sweet talk, it comes down to me being fucking stupid. Me being attached, me being let down by my own whatever. So the resolution would be to buck up and let go. Yet the very thing I continuously yearn for is a connection and now it is visible that I will go across the internet and the Atlantic to find it. But ‘it’ cannot and does not exist over the internet right? And by the time I would actually meet him he would be taken and long gone. So with everything against this what keeps me lingering on? Is it my desperate attempt for some connection or really do we have some miniscule spark that somehow can be felt through cox cable connection. Idealistic and unrealistic is what you are. And me, I can’t say what I am anymore. This whole thing confuses me.

belief strangled with hopes & dreams

I had my tarot cards read in Vegas this week by a guy named Eric. He was pretty good and on point with everything he said about me. And I myself being a believer of some kind of clairvoyant magic was stricken with an expressionless face, so as to hope to give him no signs that he was right. But he was. I think some people have a gift for stuff like this even if it is some voodoo magic shit. He said one thing that I did not like/ did not want to be true for my future. Now this of course turned me off. And I didn't want to believe anymore that this silly pack of cards actually held some insight into my future. Though for instance if he had said what I wanted to hear then I would've been more partial and accept to my imminent future. But with chances like that in a tarot card deck you're bound to be disappointed. Not everyone can have their cake and eat it too. Truthfully I don't even understand how tarots work. Are some cosmic forces telling the cards what my future holds? How would cosmic forces even know about me or my future. Maybe it's all a bunch of bullshit to rob ignorant people of their money. Maybe that goes for religion in some way too. But I mentioned , briefly this situation to my dear friend casey and he said, " life isn't planned out for you, things aren't waiting to happen, but you must make them happen." I think he's right. I can doubt this tarot guy reader all I want but the thing is maybe somehow the cards do hold this specific truth and I just don't want to accept it. Either way I am afraid he's right. Not afraid just sad, I thought for once I felt a connection but maybe my infatuation is getting the best of me... again.

cat eyes

cat eyes burning into your pupils as you take it all in
pure body ebony silk moving with the rhythm
diamonds shake
she flips her hair and you're hooked
drawing you into her seduction stage
grabbing you by the collar she whispers, "you turn me on"
lips red and lush
cherry like
about to burst
leaving her mark of sin all over your neck, your shirt
then she teases your inner beast
persuading him to creep out, creep out
cat eyes and a pure body of ebony silk throws away all worries, all doubts
then she caresses every shape upon her toned pulsing body
nipple to breast, breast to hips, hips to thighs then she touches herself where you least expect it
crazy, french, the girl is one in a million
with cate eyes
and a twist of her wrist
and a smile that leaves you wondering
cabaret, oh cabaret
you've done it again
intoxicated lust compiled with a stage full of gorgeous women
now you don't stand a chance
give up, give in
to the naked ladies of dance

To delete or not delete?

So after the decision to reactivate my blog I had to of course do some spring cleaning and fix this thing up. The thing is this blog was originally just a place for me to write my thoughts almost privately ( I didn't fully understand the whole point of a blog ). So, now as I look back I am partially embarrassed by the things I wrote about my relationships and such. But if I was to be true to myself and contribute to my growth as a writer I think it is vital to keep those embarrassing things. Those embarrassing things are what you can spring of off...right? Well I am keeping everything, though I did edit out some names from my previous posts. So here goes... I am blogging for myself and nobody else. Read it, enjoy it, hate it, whatever.