Kismet

Kismet, in the online Merriam-Webster dictionary is simply put as, FATE. What is fate? I think it probably has many different meanings for many different people, especially people who are religious. Since I am not I suppose I will make my own definition of the word kismet.

You ask yourself so many questions when you don't understand things. "Why didn't I get the job?" "Why do I hate jello?" "Why didn't that asshole get off his phone and let me walk the crosswalk?" "Why doesn't he like me?" "Why did this have to happen to me?" I think that last one is maybe the most infamous amongst most people. Sometimes we are faced with burdens and other times, good graces. When do we label the hardships, fate? When does getting the best job in the world become fate? We naturally like to blame others, saying,"That girl pushed me aside as we were walking down 19th and that's why I missed the muni and that's why I was late to work." When is it our fault or fate? When do you let go and let God? Alright so maybe I shouldn't speak of what I do not believe, sorry if it was offensive. But my point is when do you let kismet have its way with you? When do you let go of the control you can never possess. I am not talking religion here. I am saying in a non-theistic way when do you say, "what will be, will be." So many times have I struggled to control people, control how they think of me, control what they do, what the say and yada yada yada. When do I let my tense shoulders down and say okay if that's the way it is then that's the way it is. My cross country coach in H.S. used to yell over the crowd at the races, "Molly put your shoulders down, RELAX!" Never have I truly known relaxation. But I suppose that's kind of who I am, a worry wart. But lately some events have happened, some things that I didn't see coming and some that I did. The one event I tried so hard to control ended, as usual, in smoke. The one I sort of encouraged yet still let it happen on it's own, it sort of blossomed from the bud it was cowering in. In my life I have searched for acceptance. All the time I have hoped for many things to make me more appealing to anybody and everybody. I don't think I was an attention whore or anything, I think I just wanted to be liked. And though I still possess that urge to fit in, it's not as significant because I have let go and let myself be (in a sense). When you stop trying I think things happen more freely, maybe more good then bad. I mean somehow we are here on earth equipped with free will, the ability to do anything. Murder someone or raise 500 million dollars for cancer treatment. All of it comes down to you and fate. There is only so much you can control and though I consider myself very persistent to the point of obsession (which is completely and totally unhealthy). I have learned through 2 situations that when I do what I think is right and then let it go, let fate or the polar universe deal with it, something happens, it works out for the best. When I talk about lessening your control I am not saying give up all control, sit on your ass watching TV and expect to win a free car from Jeopardy. I am saying there comes a point where you can't do anything, where you wish you had all the controls of the universe but alas, you don't. Where you say , "if only." I only know this because I am an avid controller. Puppet strings n' all. But I have tried so hard for so long to make people feel a certain way about me, to change their minds, but, it has only caused things to fully get messy and out of hand. I wish I always knew that certain point of when to let go but I suppose it's all about experience. I mean you're skydiving and you know you need to pull out the parachute but you aren't sure exactly when so, you free ball it and pull it out later than sooner...uh-oh. But, still you released it and the wind caught underneath the round colorful dome of the parachute, carrying you down through the sky, giving you an amazing view.

Bottom line : You can't control everything (Keep reminding yourself that and I will too)

So here goes, I have tried enough to construct something beautiful and this god awful structure of clay is just not able to be made into a pot. So I say fine, if not a pot then you are a ceramic version of Michael Jackson's face (Maybe I shouldn't talk ill of the dead :/ oh well )