life?

I have been running, always, never a moment when I haven't been running to get away
to lose myself in the journey
and never look back
and you know what? it has never once worked for me
The runnin has brought me nowhere but to where I've always been
depressed, alone, searing for a spec of connection
In my times of running I have stumbled upon good moments and bad moments, each keeping me running
but you can't run forever kid, you can try but you won't survive
I've been running from myself, the pain, the pity, even the great things because I'd rather sit in the rain than enjoy the sunshine bliss
But I think I have started to realize that I am me and life just is.
I am funny because Maddy laughs at my jokes
I am creative with my art whether its painting or creating a tea party hat
I am loved by so many amazing people from my parents to my rat
and I know I am hated by people too
I have a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to want to cut myself to stop from being numb
Yet I am beautiful because my brown not so ordinary blue eyes and my cupid bow lips plus don't forget my porcelain skin
I am active when I want to lose weight or reap the pleasure of endorphins
I am defeatist because I feel I don't deserve any of it
I use sex , drugs, alcohol to connect
I'll smoke a blunt to forget why I began
I'll cry for the beauty of the world and also for the pain it brings
I will walk to the trails walked by many but I wont forget to smell the golden perfume of every flower I pass
I will tear up my poems calling them worthless shit
I will say I'm not good enough because after desperate pleas you still don't want me
I will bark and meow randomly because its stupid yet it makes me smile
I will cower when people say something I don't agree with because all I want to do is fit in
I will wait till 5am to talk to someone 8,000 miles away because he is a good person
I will do jumping jacks in throton hall for a bio lab and feel my boobs going up and down
I will wish I had a melodic voice like Judy Garland
I will finger paint on a fresh canvas because the paint feels slimy an silky at the same time
I will walk out into the rain so that I can cry without anyone being the wiser
I will be creeped out by the guy who eyefucks me on the airplane then tells me about his kids
I will always say it feels like summer when I smell the barbeque grill smoke in the wind
I will hate that marine forever and never forgive
I will reread harry potter again and again till my fingers can't turn the page from 704 to 705
I will wear my fishnet knee highs proudly in the middle of the day
I will cross my fingers in hope of an "A" on the test and then get a "C" wondering why I never studied
I will rejoice in finding the necklace I lost two months ago
I will fall to sleep while listening to a math lecture
But what I've learned is that it is all about me
I...
I can see life as it is, a great and terrible beauty
while I cry about it and be depressed
But I wont because life just is.
If life is dealing you shitty cards you up the anty because you believe you can win or at least hope you can
If you are already holding 5 million dollars in chips you keeping betting high for the chance that you will win or lose it all
Because life aint easy, never has been, never will be
But by some miracle you're in it
you're alive and god damn me if that is not enough reason to smile
So, maybe you lost your home
your boyfriend left you
and your life is so shitty that your pointer finger is on the trigger trembling
ready to end it and go to easy street
but wait
you have free will
free will to make the best or worst of this situation
and though death may be a easy, selfish, blissful idea
it's a waste to even think about it
Because life is what you make it
and though there may be things that you will never be able to change
you deal with the cards in your hand.
It all comes down to me
to you
and nobody else
So stop running kid, life will catch up to you and remind you that things are shit
but it's not worth it to give up and give in
life is meant to be lived