The big C

Change. The big "C" known as change. Our lives can be somewhat habitual, tedious, never ending, and always the same but, they say the only constant is change. I do believe that everyday I wake up in some way changed and renewed but now I want to talk about the big changes, the life decision changes. The change to be better and do better. Recently I changed two parts of my life, I let people in, one is someone from the past and one is someone from the future. I get so stuck on the past and about history repeating itself that I don't give "change" a chance. After high school I had ended my friendship with Elly S. after having a sort of fall out. I felt like she never had time for our friendship, that she would make empty promises and that I could never be friends with someone who wasn't there. The thing is Elly was there for me at my darkest time and for a while, up until now, I had shut her out and forgotten about everything we once shared. I don't know what changed in my perception or if I decided to forgive, forget, and move on but, we are now talking again and in ways I think we are starting to enrich each other's lives again even if it is through texting ( she's 800 miles away or whatever the mileage is from here to SoCal ). Change can be looked at as good and bad, but I have decided that all change is good or has the prospect of being good. Why? Besides the fact that you can turn any bad situation into a positive one, change, allows us to grow. How many times a day do we hold back, do the things we hate, have a regret, or wish we could sleep till things got better? Change is this uncontrolled force that makes us experience life as it should be. We resist change but change finds us. Maybe all this is obvious but recently I have been wanting change...real change. I have received it and allowed it to have its way with me. For as long as I can remember I have felt like the guys I have been with have all been focused on having sex with me and never really taking the chance to know me, all of me, the bad parts of me and the good. I felt like people didn't care if my favorite color was maroon. I clearly had some prime examples of guys only using me for sex. I allowed them to because I had a low self esteem and thought that was the only way anyone could like me. When you realize your short comings in life, such as the idea that guys only want you for sex, you start to throw everyone else out. I mean that whether a guy is a good guy or a bad guy, you shut him out assuming that he is like all the rest... another pig in the bunch. This of course is ignorance but also unwillingness to accept change. I have recently accepted the change that someone truly likes me and is interested in me for who I am. It was hard, at first I tried to shut him out, make up excuses, but now I have realized that he is the change in my life. A change that will hopefully lead to more change.

In my previous blog I had talked about balance, and someone, anonymous, posted this comment "I think the key to being balanced isn't fulfilling all your needs and wants, it's more about being ok with having needs and wants as you try to fill them. Recognizing that you'll never fill them all is one of the biggest steps you can make towards finding that "balance." Thank you to whomever this is... But it's so true that I have been trying to fulfill every thing, every last freaking thing that I have ever wanted and or dreamed about. My parents used to tease me when I was a child about nagging them about how," I wanted this, and that, and that, and this." Never satisfied. I think not being satisfied is a factor to my binge with alcohol, men, and money. But here I am exploring my thoughts on my lack of balance and never being satisfied and I think I have found an answer. Of course I want a new iphone, new clothes, a better job, less drinking, a good grade in biology and statistics but I can't have it all, I need to pick what is most important to me and then pursue it. So, I decided there are some things I need to concentrate on, some things I want to accomplish and then I can leave out all the rest. This would be another change in my life, being satisfied with the moderate things in my life and indulging in only the richest things of growth, love, and happiness. Balance will come from being happy with the things I cannot change and changing the things I can. I will post another blogs when I have decided on the important things and what I want to change. For now, change is inevitable, change is good, change is life and growth.