salt in my cuts

I want this all to stop. I don't want anyone to text me or call me or ask me to do things or say I'm pretty or anything. I want to be alone because it all hurts too much. Life is pain. My best friend is on another freaking planet. We don't exist in each other's worlds anymore. And even if she did exist here I wouldn't even know who she was. It hurts so much to see someone you used to love just morph into something so different and cold. Your negativity kills me. I can't be around that even if I wanted to be. Maybe it's drugs or your drinking or maybe it's him, whatever the reason I just wish you would go back to being the best friend I've always had.

And you. You are this person I've always wanted, someone I've been looking for all along and unfortunately you live so far away that none of this even matters. And a long distance relationship isn't possible I know, but I keep pretending it's in the cards for us. And even if we tried I feel like we would still be sad in the end. And a part of me just wants to bury you, like I did him so that I wouldn't have to deal with the harsh realities. I mean this cutesy thing we do over text and skype is so nice but at the end of the day you will be fucking someone else and I'll be waiting for your call. Yes, I am immature like her. I hate wanting what I can't have and instead of dealing with it I'd rather forget it all.

fears vs. dreams

I feel lost. All I want to do is sleep and dream. Dreaming is still better than my current reality. I try to hide from my stress and fears through sleep. It is when I get to leave the old world behind and experience something new every time I close my eyes.

But back to what I was saying. I feel lost. Everything is up in the air. First situation is these feelings, these wants, these needs. What am I supposed to do with them when you are so far away. I really don't believe in long distance things but at the same time I don't know what to do. I'm not closed off to others but when we talk everyday, when we flirt, all I think about is you. It's sick. And I know you're fucking other girls and talking to them too. It's a reality. But what am I supposed to do with these feelings. I am lost.

I am lost all over again. All I want to do is write. I want to write screenplays and poetry and everything under the sun. But when I am told that stuff doesn't make sense and that they all hate the idea it leads me to doubting myself. And I just can't do that. I want to spit right back at them and say "Ok, well you write something better, you mongrels. You can't even format a screenplay. Give me a few weeks to edit it and then see what I come up with. UGH." I hate being told my writing isn't good because I know it is definitely better than yours. And I know it's not perfect and that I need more experience and that I am not the best. But writing, especially screenplays is a process. First draft is always shit. For my first short that I wrote in my screenwriting class we took at least 5 weeks in developments and rewrites.I guess a part of me thinks that they're right. I should've just become a vet or something like that. FEARS VS. DREAMS... are they really all that different?

the end of the beginning

I haven't been on here in a while, mostly cause I've had other things going on. I've been thinking a lot of course about how I feel emotionally, and I feel better than I have been. I detached myself from the situation. I told myself I didn't want to feel like that anymore. I wasn't going to let the power of his words hurt me. The distance has been good, but there are moments that I think about him and everything. When I said I didn't care anymore I was telling the truth, I don't care about something that makes me so unhappy. Maybe it seems as if I said it so that it would invoke fire in you and make you come back. In the past I would've pulled that act, but I said it this time because I really meant it (there was no ulterior motive this time). I guess I just got tired of trying to make something out of nothing. That's what happens when you start out something so fast with out a prior friendship, in the end you have nothing to fall back on. I won't lie, I'm still a bit sad, but I've also become unbelievably detached. I suppose having something new to focus on has helped. And honestly, I am enjoying wanting someone and having the want reciprocated. Plus he's a sweetheart.

hating myself

I can't do it. I just can't. I tell myself that I am easygoing, fun loving, down for anything girl. But I am not. I always want to think I am and then I just start pretending. And I am sorry for constantly changing my mind and not knowing what I want. It's a problem of mine. 1/3 of me wants a filthy kinky hookup and the other 2/3 wants a stable relationship. And I am not searching for a boyfriend anymore, I need to love myself more, but is it so bad that I don't want to wait for whoever he is. I need to be prudent, I know. I am just sorry that I let you think it was all okay. Cause it's not. My heart hurts. And you know what hurts even more, someone who does not want you to have that special place in your life because you might ruin their happiness. That hurts the most. The fact that I let you fuck me after hearing those words is my own fault. All of this is my own doing. I do that sometimes, I cause my own self destruction. And I won't be mean but I won't be warm to you, we aren't friends(never have been)and I let you treat me like a dirty fuck because you said you liked my company. Most of all I am mad at myself.

trash and treasure

I drove to San Francisco to get away from this place. This place where things were stressful and complicated. I finally turned in my Chapman application and now I am just nervous, no longer stressed. Right now, I am in a weird place. Kind of like limbo, neither heaven nor hell. Purgatory or something like it. I realized something. I don't know what I want because so many parts of me want different things. I want a relationship, I want good sex, I want to feel special, I want to focus on me, I want to have fun. I don't have one single thing that I completely want. And this weekend was just so amazing. I had no plans. I did what I wanted. I said no and then yes. I was free. And the more and more I experience the more and more I realize that I am one man's trash and another man's treasure. Always go with the one who thinks you're worth the world. And honestly I don't know if he'll ever get it. Maybe he isn't supposed to get it. But during this weekend I was reminded that I am special<3 And I wish I didn't need someone else to remind me but my self esteem is a work in progress, just as everything else is. And I don't know what to say about this misfit, I don't know what to do or say. Love or hate. Or just be happy for him. I need to pick the 3rd one. I think he knows that he was right all along.

I watched the Demi Lovato Stay Strong documentary and it was really eye opening. It made me confront or I guess remember what my life used to be like. During a time it was so dark, there was no escape, just endless dark. I choked on my pain. I bathed in my pain because it was all I knew. I just remember seeing no way out. To me there was just death. I was a living zombie so why not graduate to corpse status. To think how different my life would be if I hadn't turned it around. And just like Demi Lovato said, recovery is an every day thing. It's a continuous process. Since deciding to be sober for a year and breaking the promise once with a beer I've realized that every day is a fight won and a complete struggle. Each day of sobriety makes me stronger and weaker at the same time. I am not just talking about sobriety from drugs and alcohol but also from self destructive behaviors. There are days where I want to black out form the world and cut away my sorrows. I know it might not make sense to you but I think not cutting and not drinking has been the hardest lately because if I give up one addiction I usually try to pick up another. So when I am depressed and not drinking I think about cutting. It's that same high numb delicious release and punishment for everything I've done wrong. And though that sounds weird it is true. I feel better when I punish myself and control my pain through a blade. I haven't cut for a long while almost two years now. But like I said there are days that I consider screwing my sobriety and just saying fuck it. It is hard to be sober in this world. At least I believe so. Anywho, my whole point is that I am proud of myself, really proud because though I may make mistakes at least I am always trying to mend them and do better.
Also... This blog post in particular has no grammar or punctuation or anything fancy, so I apologize for its lack of formality. And that's it.

I figured it out. This makes me happy and you're supposed to do what makes you happy. I was trying to create something more when what I was originally looking for was already there. I think I got caught up in the idea of it. All I wanted was someone good in my life. I've got it. I'm young and I've got plenty to get done before I meet "him."

Rebel without a cause

I just broke all my rules. I gave away the milk for free. Yet I don't feel like shit...not yet at least. I know it was done because of sexual tension, want, needs, primal instincts, whatever. Can sex be right or wrong? The catch, I told myself that the next person I have sex with would be in a relationship with me. They would fuck me cause they cared. In my mind I know I care so I've got like 1/3 of the deal done. Where to go from here ? Activity partner, long term relationship, casual sex partner, short term dating or .... This weird in between thing? It seemed like we rewound the tape to the happy bits for now (temporary).

...

I've come to a conclusion. She stole your heart and I didn't. I don't know what I was to you, but I wasn't her. It doesn't make sense to me how you could like a person like her. She's a bitch. So, I reason that I am better than her cause you wanted a train wreck instead of this work in progress. Maybe I am wrong or completely right. I just looked through your pictures and realized you never tried to immortalize me. It seems silly, but you can tell by the little things someone does that they really like you. I think we were on that road but then you veered off or maybe you were always on your own dirt path. There's a lot of I don't knows that I wish I could ask. I know it doesn't matter because what ever the reason, this is just how it is. I can't change this. I think that is the hardest part to accept. I just can't understand how all these strong feelings led to this. All I am to you is an object. Have you noticed how our conversations always end up in the same place. Let's have sex. I thought it was more than that. Maybe it never was and you courting me was just to get in my pants. I wish I could search your mind. I'd give anything to know the reason even if it hurt me in the end. People are afraid of the truth, but without the truth I am left wondering forever in madness. And honestly I thought I was getting ready to let you go but last night was like ripping the bandaid off an unhealed sore. My heart hurt. And if you read this you will think I am crazy, that I worry too much, that this confirms I am not worth the drama. You're wrong. I just care about these things that I think are worth saving. I'm a loser for love. I feed off the possibility of love. And one day I'll get over all this, I swear I will, and I'll find someone else. You'll be reading about another you who broke my heart. Or maybe you'll read how special this one guy makes me feel. I know that I still don't get what went wrong. I know how I have problems letting go. I know you treat me like an object and I hate it. I know this is it. So maybe leave me alone for a while, okay?

time kills

I wanted to make it right. I wanted us to be friends. I wanted to go back in time and just redo everything because maybe if we would've started out differently then we could've been happy in the end. I want to destroy the memories of when I thought that it was good. I wish I could hate you for something, because then eliminating you would be easier. But I keep finding myself playing the tapes back, comparing us against others, wondering what it ever was. Sex or love. Sex or love. What if it was neither and instead just a game that had no winner. I laughed a lot last night about sex and other crude things. I cried a little too for the thought that I just failed again at trying to have a healthy relationship. And no one can understand how much I would give to take that moment back, downstairs, expecting fireworks. I didn't know any better. But I am happy for the people like him who will not waste himself just for the need of love. I don't want to want you or want to need you. I want you to go away for a while, or better yet I'd like to get the fuck out of here. But, I can't. So, what do I do now? Give me something more than a good fuck.