I don't even know where to start because all my feelings are bouncing off the sides of my brain like ping pong balls. I warn you that this is going to be a long blog, so if you plan on reading it, sit down and get yourself some popcorn.
This week was incredibly eye opening for me in a lot of ways. I started off the week with a cold creeping up on me and then it suddenly took over and became a sinus infection. But I powered through and did what I had to do... I got my butt up for school, I went to the doctor's office, made it to therapy, wrote a script till 3 am, filmed half of my film production class project and got errands done all the while I coughed up a lung mind you. Sometimes you don't know what you're capable of till you push yourself to the limit. Last semester I would've probably skipped a week because of this damn infection, but since I have found my passion in film it seems much easier to bear the 4 hour classes (though I do like to bitch about it over twitter but honestly deep down I love it).
Quick synopsis on how our filming went today...It was fabulous. It was maybe not the most time efficient and planned out story, but besides my fear that Professor Myers will hate my writing/story I feel good about it. I finally have a voice amongst people. In my last group I felt like half the time I was steamrolled by the guys in my group and now I am arguing my opinion and trying to be strong in a world of criticism. It seemed like everyone was able to collaborate really well which is a big change from all the arguing that went on in my last group. So, if the first project is a flop at least we will have the opportunity to make a better 2nd project. Though it annoys me that one of our group members decided not to be a part of the filming and then asked us to put him in the credits as editor of the video. Yeah Fucking Right. If you can't commit just quit. I don't have time for slackers getting in the way of my dream.
Next topic: True love and therapy. This week in therapy I realized the insane repetition I have been putting myself through... It goes like this: meet a guy, go on a few dates, decide he is the best thing ever, try to move things forward, realize we want different things, fuck him just to keep him around, and then constantly worry about why he doesn't call or like my pictures anymore. I disgust myself, but I am willing to see that I have already come a long way and that the next person I meet I will treat differently.
It is unfortunate that I have let this happen again because now all that remains is tense sexual attraction and broken feelings. Somehow over the years, sex and being sexual has become my "default screen." The only thing I wanted from the last two guys that I dated was develop a connection and be around them and with them. When I knew they were too busy with bigger and better things I offered up the sex card because no guy is going to refuse hanging out with me if I or any other girl offers a hookup. It is a hard reality but somewhere deep in the caverns of my mind I think that playing that card will help me and make things right. It won't, it will only make them worse. Some girls ( or aliens ) can have casual sex, but I cannot. Point is it makes me sad that that was what it came too, that I let it go that far because all I feel like it ever was to them was just sexual tension. I had feelings but the street has to be two sided in love. The last sex I had was one of the best and weirdest sexual experiences ( in a good way ) that I have ever had but it was nothing close to what I wanted. I want to "make love" not fuck. Sometimes our actions don't match our actual truths. So here I am alone, with a uti infection and a sinus infection. HAHAHA jeez but I can't be too sad cause I know I've got better shit to look forward to instead of being sad about silly boys. One thing though... for once it felt perfect, that feeling of the world stopping as you talk with someone and smile back at them, it felt true and pure and totally harmless, it was everything I wanted. And now I am trying to rebuild it, well not that ^ but just the basic foundation of friendship. Though even that seems to be a bit difficult because I don't want to be that clingy girl who gets her hopes up and broken again. I don't want to hope for anything at all.
In a sense I'd rather be alone than fool myself. I am not sure what is going to happen but I am going to try and stay positive about all aspects of my love life future.
This is the most important part out of this whole post. As a writer and an artist I reveal my overdramatic response to the situations and experiences in my life. Just because I write something doesn't mean I believe it or won't change my mind a day later ( no, I am not bipolar ). The way I write is how I see it on the projector screen in my head. It is just like a movie, a projection of reality instead of actual reality. So if you know or date an artist please understand that these posts are merely everything colliding in their head, regurgitated back on paper. If you are ever curious just ask.
One last thing... this is my savior that allows me to tell you all the things I can't seem to speak out loud. I wish things were back at the beginning but as we all know we can't go back in time. I don't know how to be normal with you when I feel like normal for us was completely different from how we feel now. I am sad that I don't know how you feel about all this and that I ask for constant reassurance but I know that it is only because at some point I stopped seeing it in your actions. And maybe you disagree and thought you gave everything you could. Maybe you want to make the argument that you told me everything you were looking for up front. Regardless of all reasons whether right or wrong this is how I feel.
Take it or leave it.
No comments:
Post a Comment