reprisal

I kept saying it, "I'll be fine."
I made myself believe it.
And now I know it.

Yesterday night I was upset cause I felt abandoned, left to the dogs of love, useless, unworthy, stupid, a fool. I don't feel that way anymore. The last time I was dating someone it ended because we were looking for different things but it hurt to find this out because I felt led on/tricked. Second time around I actually grew to care for someone. Only a month, so what. It finally felt good to care about something, something I knew was real to me. I trust in my feelings. I know myself well enough to know when I am lying to myself and when things are true. Regardless of whether he felt something, I felt something. That's why despite my original reaction of feeling hurt I am now happy because I got to experience, if only for a minute, something that made me happy. I haven't felt that kind of happy with a guy in a while. It is said that I date douchebags and I think the people who say that are right. I have let myself be undermined, used, and treated like shit. That's my fault. I was willing to wait for this one because he did nothing of the sort. I guess for me it is a sign of progress, that I am finally realizing my self worth and allowing someone to treat me the way I should be treated. And honestly in some ways he helped me grow into myself or the self I want my self to be. I still wish we could've worked it out. I wish he would've wanted to try. But, life isn't like a movie and his honesty made his reasons all the more beautiful. How can I not respect his decision to spend time with his friends and work more? I'm glad he wants all that. Ya, I wish I was part of the equation but he said he wants to be friends and hangout. I don't know when that will happen but when it does I'll be happy because he is a good person. A good person or persons in my life is what I need more of. Yes, I do "need" that.
Disclaimer: I write impulsively. For anyone reading this and my past post please don't be offended or think me to be bipolar. I do often change my mind because I have my initial reaction and then my elapsed time reaction which I believe to be more true. So why post my initial reaction? Because I need to express that impulsive melodramatic emotion. Simple as that. I am an artist...that's how I work.