Take your broken wings and learn to fly

My parents say that I seem happier, like my "old" self though I don't ever remember the "old" me being happy. Am I happy now? I'd say I am content, not elated but certainly happy with things currently and even more excited for what's to come. It's a good feeling to have a goal or an aspiration ahead of you, cheering you on. Something that I have realized is that lots of things if not all things are possible for me. I have really taken to heart this little pearl of wisdom that my surf instructor told me in Maui, "Don't wish for something that is possible." When he said that it was like time stopped, the film in the tape got all bunched up and stopped playing its tune and then it all started to rewind in order show me those times when I hoped, prayed, wished for something so obtainable. I was in a daze for a millasecond and then I held onto the board and tried to stay afloat as we walked into the crashing waves. The waves were battering up my legs with rocks and shells but I made it out into the ocean. After somehow conquering surfing, which for me is an accomplishment since the ocean throughly scares me I realized that you must face what's ahead and keep telling yourself that all is possible. The moment that you stop believing in all the possibilities whether they be fanciful or silly, you lose yourself in your own mass destruction. At the ending months of 2010 a few weeks before finals I found out I was in a situation where I was going to fail biology and statistics. I can give you reasons or excuses ( what's the difference between the two? ) of why I was in the process of failing but to discuss those is to fill space in this blog, I'd rather tell you how I passed biology ( still waiting on statistics ). Yes my grades were in the shitter, yes I was hopelessly depressed and in woe of becoming a part of the academic probation group but maybe that's what it takes to wake you up. Maybe you have to go so low to the ground in order to bounce off the bottom in order to spring back up, but of course some fall and never get back up. In elementary school we had awards and I think twice I got a coyote with character flag declaring that I had perseverance, something to be cherished and rewarded for. I got up and kept going. Yes I moped for a while but I also pushed myself. I am not trying to sound like I am a perfect student now after passing biology with a C-. I am trying to say that sometimes you will fall and sometimes you will rise but the will to keep on going is infinite when you realize that all is possible. Maybe that's why my parents say I am like my "old" self, someone similar to the little girl with long skinny arms and long skinny legs wearing a flower print shirt with bicycle stretchy pants, somewhat looking similar to a sqwacking baby bird. My parents used to call me their little bird. My "old" innocent, fearless self that saw the world full of light. I love the story of peter pan, the idea of staying a child forever. I would only want to be a child forever because of their immense innocence and imagination and the fact that the horrid stories on the news don't matter much to them. But peter needed to grow up and learn to be an adult but in the process he lost everything golden that a child possesses. Why can't we take a little from both sides of the spectrum? Maybe that is what is happening now, I am maturing into my adult shoes while also holding onto the dreams of unicorns and fairies. That gave me a funny image of Lucille Ball. In lots of situations I think you have to choose, you can't have your cake and eat it too, but I think in this particular situation you can have both. After writing all this I think I would feel the same way even if I did fail biology like I had suspected I would because no matter what my final grades were, I learned from my mistake and tried my best in the end. And now having conquered a bit of the ocean, having gotten back on a horse after falling and after the stuff I have been through... I am still here, smiling at progress. Thriving is thriving. Doesn't matter if you got your M.D. and I got my GED, it's still progress. I hope I never stop trying to better myself. No, I don't hope or wish for this, I will do it.



Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
-The Beatles

college student life of unhappiness

Well here I am, college student in her dorm room trying to decide if she is happy. Happiness is such a variable term, not meaning one thing in particular. You could b happy with a container of nutella and unlimited bananas or even saving peoples lives all day. Every time I think of the word happy, something different comes to mind, meaning that I possibly don't know what I want. Maybe happiness is more than a state of mind, maybe it's a conceptual place that I can spread my wings and fly to. I guess if you asked me what my life would look like if I was happy then I would answer that to have a happy life and be happy internally I would want... (by the way this is an extreme fantasy image in my head that changes every 7 seconds) to be traveling the world with a moderately nice camera, my mac, a b.s. degree in biology, a huge ipod filled with the most memorable miraculous songs, pursuing an M.D. in the near future, falling in love with every turn around a corner, having friends from all over the world, having the ability to jump on trains with only $5 in my wallet. In a way I believe and have always believed that happiness for me is change. The ability to get up and go change your surroundings is happiness. I once read a quote saying that the person who wants to leave the place they call home is not happy with themselves... or something along those lines. I guess I feel bound by myself, my parents and society. Everything has consequences and life isn't fair. I think I am having trouble realizing that maybe this exact moment is not the time to get up and go on a train to timbuck two or to relinquish all my valuables and live on the streets, I think this is a time to realize that ability to have happiness is around me, even if it's not my ideal form of happiness. I live in one of the most amazing cities in the world and I am talking about leaving it, going to places I don't even know of. Maybe everyone has the dream of getting away, living their life by the seat of their pants. I feel like I am being selfish and ignorant. Why can't I do what I want to do? Yes maybe I can stow away to Europe in someone's suitcase but I could surely study abroad or something. Maybe I need a plan to become happy. Maybe happiness happens on its own. I am not sure, I know I have been happy but never a constant happiness excluding the exception of this summer. So here I am, a college student not writing her final english paper and dreaming about the things that have the possibility to be. I will find a way.

Do you remember.

Do you remember the sting that etched a memory into heart. True love breaks its promise every time. There you are alone, quiet, hungry for something that will stretch your stomach lining till you burst because all you yearn for is to feel the bitter taste of love after being numb from it for so long. So do you remember the high school dates with chocolate chocolate milkshakes and your dad letting you take out his T bird, or asking your parents if you could stay out one extra hour because it would mean so much too you. We all wanted that high school puppy dog, heartbreaking, gooey, sappy, drizzling, scrumptous, forbidden love. It once tasted so sweet. Most of us grow out of that high school, he said, she said, love phase. We either become prostitutes who don't charge money but who charge everything in the fine print; your house, dog, netflix account, toothpaste, and most importantly your love. But, these prostitutes pretending otherwise making it seem that it's all fun and games no strings attached, and whether it's you, them, or both of you, someone gets attached and WAHHHBAMMM you're in a relationship. Now the others who graduate from a puppy dog love crush go into celibacy basically, saving themselves for the special people, giving things time before jumping into a dark ocean that holds no reprieve, they covet love in the best way possible; time and patience. I have become the first example. Always searching, hoping, wishing, wanting love, or something of the sort. But, once again here I am with no lessons learned and my girlfriend telling me that he was the immature one. I'm not here to argue whether it was I or him who caused the problem, whether it was a joint mission to destruction. I guess I am writing because I don't know what else to do. I am stuck with a side of me being sad that things ended this way and a side of me saying "honey, he was a fucking jerk most the time and this is for the best." (I am picturing Fran Fine giving me this advice ) How do we get ourselves into these tangles? These horrible dumbfounding webs of mess that stick to our fingers even after the millionth rinse from the sink with the abrasive soap. I'd like to think it was all my fault because in that case then I can try to fix it, if it was his fault then I can't fix it, I can only accept that he really is a fucking douche bag ignorant rude son of a bitch. He really isn't all those things, just a rude immature jerk, that about covers it. I guess I was just expecting us to all grow up and start acting differently, start acting better because going back to the high school love years really sucks. Why can't we all get along? Why can't Molly find love? Also why are movies so easily able to put in love scenes where the football player and the studious girl kiss in the rain in front of the whole school? When does this magical stuff all take place? I must be sitting on the couch moping when it goes on because all I see is complications, heartbreak, stress and sometimes happiness.

A blogger short.

Her lids shut tight
the binding crusts over with dried blood and pus
she wiggles her eyes in attempt to break them out
stuck together, she is left blind and yet it was only a second ago that she remembers seeing the sun
glowing globe-like orb that blazed with streaks of yellow, red and orange
a combination of hope
feeling the pulse of it's power beating through her skin
all she wanted was to open her eyes wide shut
break the stitches
the silence
see again
for so long she has been watching visions from her cornea play against the integument
dark shadows coming from nowhere
lurking behind lies, she tried to scream
she drew up her hands to her eyes and dug into every bound silent sound
pulling apart the mutiny that was keeping her in the dark
blood dripped from her pupils rolling down her check to the slight smirk of her mouth
the copper taste reminded her of the bitter end that was ahead
and despite her disturbing bloody face
the stitches hung limp
finally she could see her light again.

blank

this page has been open and blank for about 15 minutes

I know I have a lot of things on my mind, lots of things to say but yet all I can write is the rambling bull shit.

I guess I am at the point that most people come to, a cross roads with no signs. Lack of signs doesn't mean lack of directions it just means that you have no idea what direction leads where. It's having no map with people telling you to follow your heart then, no, follow your head.

But it's not about direction it's about decisions.

What am I going to do?
What an unbearable question
How I wish I could curl into a ball and sleep for a long while, wake up renewed with no worries and tons of answers.

I don't really think I even have that big of problems that would contain answers maybe I just need to make some life changes.

Is it really easy to make life changes through a to do list, a 1., 2., 3. list. Maybe.

I am going to make one change for sure. cut my hair. I think it will help with many things.

stay tuned for changes, maybe even happiness

The big C

Change. The big "C" known as change. Our lives can be somewhat habitual, tedious, never ending, and always the same but, they say the only constant is change. I do believe that everyday I wake up in some way changed and renewed but now I want to talk about the big changes, the life decision changes. The change to be better and do better. Recently I changed two parts of my life, I let people in, one is someone from the past and one is someone from the future. I get so stuck on the past and about history repeating itself that I don't give "change" a chance. After high school I had ended my friendship with Elly S. after having a sort of fall out. I felt like she never had time for our friendship, that she would make empty promises and that I could never be friends with someone who wasn't there. The thing is Elly was there for me at my darkest time and for a while, up until now, I had shut her out and forgotten about everything we once shared. I don't know what changed in my perception or if I decided to forgive, forget, and move on but, we are now talking again and in ways I think we are starting to enrich each other's lives again even if it is through texting ( she's 800 miles away or whatever the mileage is from here to SoCal ). Change can be looked at as good and bad, but I have decided that all change is good or has the prospect of being good. Why? Besides the fact that you can turn any bad situation into a positive one, change, allows us to grow. How many times a day do we hold back, do the things we hate, have a regret, or wish we could sleep till things got better? Change is this uncontrolled force that makes us experience life as it should be. We resist change but change finds us. Maybe all this is obvious but recently I have been wanting change...real change. I have received it and allowed it to have its way with me. For as long as I can remember I have felt like the guys I have been with have all been focused on having sex with me and never really taking the chance to know me, all of me, the bad parts of me and the good. I felt like people didn't care if my favorite color was maroon. I clearly had some prime examples of guys only using me for sex. I allowed them to because I had a low self esteem and thought that was the only way anyone could like me. When you realize your short comings in life, such as the idea that guys only want you for sex, you start to throw everyone else out. I mean that whether a guy is a good guy or a bad guy, you shut him out assuming that he is like all the rest... another pig in the bunch. This of course is ignorance but also unwillingness to accept change. I have recently accepted the change that someone truly likes me and is interested in me for who I am. It was hard, at first I tried to shut him out, make up excuses, but now I have realized that he is the change in my life. A change that will hopefully lead to more change.

In my previous blog I had talked about balance, and someone, anonymous, posted this comment "I think the key to being balanced isn't fulfilling all your needs and wants, it's more about being ok with having needs and wants as you try to fill them. Recognizing that you'll never fill them all is one of the biggest steps you can make towards finding that "balance." Thank you to whomever this is... But it's so true that I have been trying to fulfill every thing, every last freaking thing that I have ever wanted and or dreamed about. My parents used to tease me when I was a child about nagging them about how," I wanted this, and that, and that, and this." Never satisfied. I think not being satisfied is a factor to my binge with alcohol, men, and money. But here I am exploring my thoughts on my lack of balance and never being satisfied and I think I have found an answer. Of course I want a new iphone, new clothes, a better job, less drinking, a good grade in biology and statistics but I can't have it all, I need to pick what is most important to me and then pursue it. So, I decided there are some things I need to concentrate on, some things I want to accomplish and then I can leave out all the rest. This would be another change in my life, being satisfied with the moderate things in my life and indulging in only the richest things of growth, love, and happiness. Balance will come from being happy with the things I cannot change and changing the things I can. I will post another blogs when I have decided on the important things and what I want to change. For now, change is inevitable, change is good, change is life and growth.

Finally have the time of day

I have been immensely busy recently whatnot with work, work, homework, school, and more fucking work. Levis has abused me and I am throughly glad that Nov. 6th is my last day because I will finally start to have a life again, a life that doesn't include being bitched at and folding jeans. I have been yearning to write lately, thoughts have literally been swimming in my head like a school of fish, so many of them. So now that I have a little bit of time I will put them all out here... it will probably be similar to my other posts, an overall encompassing blog.

Last night I watched The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus for the second time and I also watched 2 interviews with Terry Gilliam after the ending of the movie. Gilliam basically spews out a bunch of ideas/themes into one masterpiece. His interviews really made me contemplate how my life is going and what the fuck I am going to do with my life. The big question of, "What do you want to do with your life?" Jesus, that brings up so many difficulties. Am I really doing everything I want to do? No, because everything I want to do is not possible thought it is surely not impossible. Everyday I say to myself, "I want to do that." Maybe it's my attitude of believing it not being possible at the moment but you can't do everything right? I don't know if I really have a concise answer to that yet. But to go back to Gilliam, he talks about imagination a lot. For a while I have thought my imagination and most people's to be dead. I remember I used to set up my plastic animals in my parents "big" showers for an hour then I would play for an hour or until the water ran cold. I could imagine the animals having emotions and scenarios. It was wonderful, I was so happy pretending whether it was with my Breyer horses, Barbies, or plastic animals. Some associate imagination with youth/ being a child. When you grow up, you lose it, you mature (sort of peter pan-ish). I have always adored the story of Peter Pan and in a sense I don't want to grow up, I don't want to lose my creativity, my imagination, the life that breathes air into my soul. What if I could create for the rest of my life. I guess this is the time when the question comes in, " Are you really doing what you want to do in life?" " Do you really want to go to medical school and be a doctor?" This question suprisingly does not stress me out it only stirs deep thoughts. I decided at some point that I want to do great things with my life and my abilities. I have this ability to sympathize, connect, and have complete compassion for others. I love the human body, it truly amazes me. Everything to do with the science field truly sparks the lightbulb or many lightbulbs in my brain. So here I am, a biology major with a concentration in cell and molecular biology with hopes of going to medical school yet yearning to do other things. Other things being animation, art, cinema, singing, horse back riding, EVERYTHING. I can give you reasons as to why these aren't possible right now but it's too lengthy of an explanation. I just don't want to look back and say "God, I wish I could've done that." Already I have tried a lot of things from volleyball to singing lessons. Being in San Francisco really makes me want to utilize all that is here and no where else. I have a friend who truly seems like he has it all, all that he has ever wanted/wished for. He's got opportunities up to timbuck two. How does it do it? How does he balance it all? That's something I wish I had; balance. He makes it seem absolutely effortless. I am jealous. What's the key to balance? I am thinking that if I pursue my dreams that somehow my imagination will come back. My life will become magical. I guess I feel that things are missing in my life, I am still satisfied with life but there are things that could make it amazing like my friends life. In general I throughly enjoy making lists whether it's a list of what to do tonight or things I want to accomplish. Though, this subject/problem I feel cannot be solved by a list. For once I want to feel fulfilled with no wants or yearnings just opportunities to enrich my life. We waste so much time, such as in this blog, complaining of what we fall short of. It' good for me to write it all out and be introspective. I need to just do these things, make a plan or a list, or what for destiny. I don't know but I am tired of losing the things that are within my grasp, things that have diminished over time, I want my imagination back.