continuing

I feel like I learned a lot today.

I am going to try and sum it all up in a semi short not too long post.

So last night I was upset of course about the fact that this thing with the guy I had been seeing ended. I was still upset about it this morning too. And I don't need to cover everything again because if you care to know more about just read my previous posts. Anywho the main point is that I was mad that I had failed again. I was confused as to why the happy giddyness talkativeness stopped. And, I was sad that there didn't seem to be another chance for us to try. All these emotions were fuming and boiling in my body, killing me on the inside and in my mind.
I resorted to talking to a coworker of mine since I really never know who to really talk to. He gave the best advice without giving direct "do this or do that" advice. He mad me realize that all my stressful feelings weren't worth it. And that especially this early in dating him things should be happy and honeymoon like, not sad or stressful. I explained to him how me and this guy were hardly talking anymore and my coworker said that someone should want to talk to you, someone should be excited to talk to you. All in all I realized that this isn't meant to work. I don't believe it's the distance, not for me at least, that made it fall apart, but rather a lack of foundation. Maybe even a lack of commitment? I don't know. I don't know why it didn't work for him (maybe I should ask him, or maybe I should shut my mouth and not worry about it (go with numero dos)). And usually I never know with guys because you know they just aren't wired like us girls. They don't say outright how they feel even when you ask them. For this guy I am not sure what didn't work for him. Let me say though that I am the one who put a stop to it all. But, all this is just fine. Like he said, I am glad I have a more positive attitude about this because I enjoyed the time I spent with him and I loved getting to know him better. Did I want it to work out and keep going till the fall? Yes. But life never works out the way you want it to, and in truth it isn't supposed to.
c

Also, talked to my girl friend who is having a similar problem, okay it's pretty exact, anywho, I told her that if he can't spend a measly 5 minutes on the phone with you then what's the point? She is amazing and worth a million minutes and more! I guess my whole conclusion is to stay close to your heart and how you feel and to always remember that you are worth it.

sad goodbyes

So here I go again. I am at a crossroads, kind of. And you and me are done. Sure we can be friends but don't expect me to go out of my way to say anything because I will make damn sure that I kill all those feelings. Seems severe right? That's what I did with the last one. That's how I was able to get closer to you. I had to make room. And no that's not the healthy way to do it and yes at some point I'll come full circle with you just like I did with him. I can think of him and not feel regret or want. I just feel happy nothingness when I think of him. When I think of you I just feel disappointment. But I am not disappointed in you, only in myself. So, here I am at these crossroads and I will bury you beneath me, you're far enough away that I don't have to think about you and now I can start to distract myself with happier things. Maybe I'll find someone else, maybe I won't. I don't really care. I just don't want to feel like this. Feel like such a failure at these things. And yes I am young but you don't know me or my past and even if you did maybe it wouldn't make a difference. I want happiness, that's all.

fuck me.

I tell myself I'll be different. He'll be different. The situation will be different. The outcome will be different. Yet somehow it all comes down to being the same sad pathetic story of something that could've been special gone wrong. And I am really tired of either me or the situation or the guy screwing it up. I really don't want to try anymore. I know I say that and then a month from now you'll find me blogging about someone else, but honestly he is the last for a while. I just can't take the constant disappointment. I can't take getting my hopes up, thinking this one will be mine, the one I stay up late with laughing and talking with just to find out in that in the end I am falling asleep by myself waiting for his call. Companionship isn't needed, it is wanted.
And I don't really understand what happened. The rules? The exclusivity? I don't know. But everything became less and less. I know it's not the end of the world. I am sad, yes, because I thought this was going to be different. You never really know do you?

again. i give up.

It makes me sad that I can't do these things. I don't know why I even try. It ended so fast and easily. It makes me sad. Maybe it even makes me cry.

forever never lasts

I don't know everything. In fact, I don't know a lot of things, but I feel like I am right about what I am going to say next. Nothing lasts forever. That's why it's called the circle of life because it's this cyclic pattern that never focuses on one thing staying permanent forever. Love doesn't last forever. Family doesn't last forever. Pain doesn't last forever. Lovers don't last forever. Even the end doesn't last forever if you really think about it. Something new always arises from the ashes.

Anywho, I, like many other people get hung up on things that don't go perfectly or on things that are painful or unhappy. Those reactions of pain and regret and hate and negativity are primal emotions that we should not ignore or try to hide, but they are also not the epitome of our existence. I've been in that place where I saw no end. There was no way out. But that's the beauty of it because my pain and sadness ended eventually, and there was a way out.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we get stuck in our feelings and honestly there's just not enough time to waste on those feelings. Life is not forever either. I am not saying be happy all the time because it is good to be sad. I just mean that none of this lasts. Eventually I'll die, my dad will die, my dog will die, my love will die, my home won't be my home anymore, etc. The reason why we survive is because we can adapt and continue on even in the face of great change.

It's hard to think that every moment is precious and that all this could instantly end for no particular reason at all.

But I want to live in adventure and happiness.

And I will say this, people who try and stop you from that should not be in your life. My best friend is a crazy weirdo. Someone I don't really know anymore. And though I have been sad that she is no longer in my life I can't have her in it cause she is so negative towards me. I would welcome her back if she was like her old self but who can say if that will ever happen. I am not mad at her, I love her, but I also know that she is not a good fit for my life right now. I can understand that saying that is wrong. Best friends are forever. But people change as life changes. That's the way it is. I hope that I really start to focus on my happiness instead of my unhappiness, cause the unhappiness and the happiness will pass too and I'd rather be happy for as long as I can be.

Like I said, it's okay to be sad and have regrets and have pain, just as long as you realize that those feelings will not last because only then can you begin to let go and move onto the next thing. Life is never ending and not forever either.

dead heartbeats live

Things don't add up. My hearts over there, my head here and my body is completely lost.

my limbs are scattered you left me to die always murderous intentions I had nowhere to hide
I gave up trying to connect these veins wont live again I am nothing but a pile of pieces waiting to rot and be eaten
And I don't know what to say cause my mouth is here dry with out words for fear of anger and hurt
So forgive me when I seek revenge I'll burn your body then no part can live your suffering will be forgotten
like ashes in the wind trying to fly to the sea if only your legs would walk and your body could function.
But it was no way to live, so disconnected, so unhappy, so destructive. that's why I killed you slowly without regret.

.

I don't know how to build a relationship with anyone.

for all those who struggle

April the 20th. Such an infamous day. I don't really remember what I was doing last year at this time. I am guessing I was either smoking with my brother or my boys from sttc. Whatever I was doing I am not doing it now. So since late December, a little before Christmas, I have been sober from alcohol and drugs. I have had one slip up where I had two drinks while in Hollywood with friends but other than that I've been clean and sober. I have tried before to be sober and it has never worked. Maybe it's because I am older and wiser or maybe it's not those things at all. Maybe I am sober because I actually want to be. Though it's true that I want to be sober it is also true that I wish I could not be an alcoholic, but I am. And my addiction or craving may not ever go away, and I may never be able to have just one drink, and I may not be sober a year from now. It's not negativity, it's reality. What I do know is that I am sober today and very happy because of it.


You know, I should make a laundry list of all the bad shit that has happened to me while being under the influence... it's honestly amazing how persistent I was with my abuse despite all these situations that put me in danger. It would be a long fucking list.
And I've seen some of my friends, friends who still use and honestly I am glad I am not where they are. One of my friends is now in prison. I need to write him *puts on todo list immediately*. And then there are my other friends, the functioning druggies. I honestly dunno how they do it. But 20 years from now, will they still be functioning? Who can say... maybe and hopefully science by then will be able to cure all the shit that substance abuse causes.

I apologize if it sounds like I am dissing (could not think of a better word than that) my friends but that's not my intention. I am trying to get across that I could've been one of them, but I am glad I am not because I probably wouldn't be alive to even write this.

Now don't get ahead of yourself, I was not a heroin addict(though it did sound appealing at a time). I was just an addict of everything. Addicted to drinking, smoking, cutting, bullying myself, sleeping, drugs, love, control, sex, etc. All these destructive things(yes, love can be very destructive at times) that I thought would make my life better only worsened it. And to top it off I was mixing. Mixing all of these things just made my fucking head spin. My prescribed pills, my alcohol, my drugs... all together in one melting pot. Jesus christ I was so fucking unstoppable. Only I could stop the pain. That's the hardest part about changing your life around, nobody else can do it for you.

Now this isn't to say I don't have cravings because I do, all the time. In particular it has been cutting. I see these pictures of people with torn up wrists and I drool with want. I am like an obese child at McDonalds. Now that probably doesn't make sense. And maybe another day I'll devote a post to it, but not now. Anywho, I want it bad. So how do I stop it? I don't really know because sometimes I fantasize about it and eventually it leaves my mind or I remind myself how it won't solve my problems. Granted I have not been overtly depressed in a while. Which is good! The pills are working, bravo!!!

I used to get hung up on my pills. I thought they created this fake version of me and that I was fooling people into liking me. At times I still feel that way, but right now I see it as me treating my disease. Yes, there is bullshit science shit that says depression doesn't exist and that's all well and mighty for those people who don't have it but for the ones who do, they know, they understand.

My parents read that stuff all the time. They wanted me off the pills even though they were ok with it at first. Maybe they thought it was teen angst like everyone else did. welp pills is also another post in itself so I'll stop here. Addictions come in many forms, admitting to yourself that you're powerless and need help is the first step.
Stay strong, hope is real. And today I am sober :)

she's got too much love

Maybe I come on too strong. Maybe I'll look back and realize that I should've been more cautious. But I can't stop it. I won't. I'm quite happy shamelessly crushing and if I'm too hot then everyone should get out of the damn kitchen. I'm a flame that burns if you play with me too much, yet I'll dance around and warm your soul with my touch. Point being, nothing is in the middle for me. I am either high or low. It is rare that I am peacefully content. Maybe that's my problem, my need to stir the pot. I create my own problems. If I look into the future I know I am going to learn from this, like I learn from everything else, therefore, no experience be wasted.

I've said my peace and am going to stop bullying myself over my feelings (for now at least).

zip it

I didn't say anything. I kept my mouth shut. I still don't know why or what it is, but for now I'm content with this. I know. I trust. I am different. Now maybe down the road I'll have to speak up. Some say get it over with now before it's too late. And maybe I'll change my mind, I do it all the time. And then I can deal with the repercussions of the situation. I am fearful. I don't want to live in fear. I stopped myself from breaking the fear up because maybe it's just something I am not meant to understand. I don't know. I know there's a connection. There's fire above and below. I know there are other connections. All I can hope is that ours grows stronger.

I get it

I was so mad at you, but even more mad at myself. I was a bad friend to you and I don't have a good reason as to why. When you picked her over our friendship I didn't understand. We haven't talked for almost a year besides that one time we played phone tag. I don't agree with what you did, but now I understand. You knew she was your future, that you didn't want to give it up and then I pulled the trigger, blowing up our friendship. I felt heartbroken the day after. I was so incredibly stupid. And maybe I was also mad that I was alone. In the end I understand why you chose her over our friendship. I'll be here for you if things go right or wrong, always. I don't want to ever try to fuck up your happiness again.

Guys with best girl friends can be tricky and a slippery slope when you have a relationship. Ive been the best girl friend, but unfortunately I ruined it. Ultimately you decide whats important. You think it would be an easy choice, of course the best friend, but when your best girl friend is fighting with your future wife, you know who's gonna win.

Looking back on the people I've lost and gained, you were one of the ones who I wish had never left. I believe friendship is as deep and true as love.
I only hope one day you and her can forgive and forget.

muddy waters

What's the difference between a hook up buddy, someone you're dating, and a relationship? In movies like No Strings Attached we see two lovely hot people engage in a purely sexual relationship. Makes sense. We need our pipes cleaned, plus sex releases endorphins (yay endorphins!) In the end they end up falling for each other. Ashton wants Natalie full time, but she can't do it. Eventually she comes around and they live happily ever after. I think it is very rare for a hookup buddy to turn into anything serious or stable because you have this foundation of sex and then you become closer, but in the end you always retreat back to the sex (it's all you know for sure). You know someone will fuck you. But that someone may not love you. I don't really know what love is. M. Scott Peck goes into way too much detail about love, and he says that love is wanting to nurture someones growth regardless of whether they nurture your own (but healthy love is when you're helping each other grow). Love is uncomfortable. He says a lot of other useful stuff but honestly his thoughts are so intricate that it is hard to understand what he is really saying, M. Scott Peck that is. So you date someone, whether that includes sex or not, you spend time with the person so as to get to know them better. Then relationships encompass everything, sex, love, dates, fights, growth, etc. I believe that some of these lines can get blurred. Here is the cycle of my last "ship"


seeing him->dating him->sex->he becomes distant->we stop seeing each other->sex->angry at him->friends->weirdness->friends(sort of)

and here's my most recent "ship" sexy talk->angry at him->apology accepted->talk a lot/confide in him->give up on finding love but continue talking to him->become closer with him->skype->trip->date->sex->talk even more->go on other dates/hangout->blowup and start to worry so much that I pull out of the situation->get back in situation and immediately see him->more more sex->and here I am now

As you can see sex comes into the equation early on...that's not to say that that is what it's all about. When he came down to visit we didn't have sex. It was a nice change.

But I suppose the true test is whether it lasts, whether sex so early did or didn't screw it up. We had been talking for a while before any of this happened though. I don't know...I am told putting the cart before the horse only lands you in mud.

this time round.

This weekend has been amazing. Yes, I was nervous and scared and nervous beyond belief, but he made it all okay. Somehow. I don't know how he does it. I mean he didn't take away all my nerves but he definitely made me feel better than I could imagine. I feared that I would have to leave his place and go to my brother's house out of nervousness or maybe I would get on his nerves or maybe I would do something embarrassing. I was hanging out with this other person all day at a point and he got frustrated with me/my indecisiveness. I could hear it in his voice. I wanted to cry (hypersensitive me). All I have ever wanted was to be liked, maybe even loved. This new one didn't make me cry, he made me smile. And if things change between us I hope that it's not cause something went wrong but because we decided it, mutually, amicably. I am going to try and think positively about it from here on out.

I realize that this blog is still not what I want it to be, but I swear that at some point I'll go back to writing beautiful and raw posts that actually make people think instead of saying, "why did I just read all of this?"
Cement water
bright bulbs
freezer air
comfortable silence
red blocks
tiny ants
long kisses
peaceful thoughts

going on a journey

Here I am again.

And I am scared, but I am also hopeful of what is to come.
I want to eat grilled cheeses with you, watch movies and cuddle, kiss you, do dirty things with you, grind my nails into your arms and of course mark you with my bites. I want this weekend to be as good as it can be. Yeah, you might get tired of me and I think that's what I fear. If you suddenly become mad at me then that's okay cause we can fix it. If you feel like you want to hit me over the head with a frying pan because I am so annoying, well, I can't do much about it.

I've never done this. I have never spent a weekend with a guy. I always leave. I never sleepover. I remember there was this moment at sfsu where I made this guy I was seeing walk me back to my dorm at 3 am, in the titty freezing cold, every time we hooked up/hungout.

So of course I am nervous. I don't know what it is like to sleep next to someone from night till morning. Just kidding, I totally just remembered, I have slept over at a guys house. He was my first boyfriend that I had deep feelings for, but it was honestly such a fucked up relationship. Anywho, I would lie to my parents about where I was going, get wasted off Captain Morgan and then try and fall asleep with him. Even though I was so drunk it was hard to sleep next to him. How someone sleeps is a private thing. I don't look pretty like some girls do when they sleep. I am not worried about being pretty, I was just making a statement. Like I said, I am nervous, but I trust him. I trust that things will pan out as they may no matter how much I want to control them. I just hope that this whole blow up was just a part of the game and that if we hit another blow up that I will handle it better. I want this to work.

...

Things feel heavy
seeping into the ground
suffocating the atoms
burning off oxygen
weighing me down


My face is starting to crack
cheeks chiseled from smiling
eyes reek of broken happiness
the tears burn a trail for the rest
It leads them to death


And the love lights all fixtures
masking out the darkness
we pretend to be cannibals
feeding off our own toxins
the sickness coats everything


And then we break
the things we pined for dissolve
too much sick to get well
too much hell to find heaven
loneliness wins


Thanks sweet nothings.
Thank you for winning again.

new hair. no hair.

Today I shaved/buzzed my hair off. Well, Shea actually did it for me.

I have always wanted to shave my head and after seeing my cousin, Taylor, shave hers when I was pretty young, I told myself that I wanted to do the same.

Besides having an inkling for wanting to shave my head, I also did it for another reason.

I originally grew up in Garden Grove/Los Alamitos area and then we moved to my current location when I was around 4 years old. I grew up from start to finish with one family in particular, The Escovedos. They are in the majority of all our family movies. Me and Casey were best friends with our dee dees and blankies. And, in all sincerity they have made me be the person I am today.

Even though we saw them less when we moved away, we still saw them a lot. They were like my "step" family. I remember so many things from the moments I have spent with them... Paul McCartney concert, shaver lake, Cam's graduation, Password Champs, The bat on the boat, Bass Lake, BILL, yoshi, too much wine, The Beatles, These cards are marked de a mess!!!, giving casey spy kits for any holiday, fio ritos, crystal cove, watching VHS tapes in the car on our way to Bass, Cameron pretending to be a shark and grabbing my leg in the lake, Petunia and Vernon, FORKS, Steve losing his glasses, My dad catching over 50 fish in one week AND a whole lot of other moments...unfortunately it is boring for anyone who wasn't there to experience these tid bits of my memories.

I shaved my head because of Shawna. Shawna has now been free from her GBM for 5 years and is now undergoing treatment for a completely new and different cancer. Myeloma, to be exact. She shaved her head because she is going to lose her hair anyways. I thought that in honor of her I should shave mine too. For fuck sake this woman has raised two amazing boys, has battled one of the most vicious brain cancers, has broken her hip (well, a tumor broke it), and now has to deal with a whole other cancer. And if you saw Shawna from a distance you would never know any of this because she walks around with a smile on her face and laughter in her heart. She has beaten the odds. She amazes me.

I know shaving my head won't make her better or cure cancer, but it shows that I love her and that she is not fighting this battle alone. I mean besides going through her treatments she is/would have lost all her hair again. Do you know what it is like for a woman to lose her hair? I know that when I had cut my hair off for locks of love(12 inches off) that I felt ugly and naked. Long hair or medium length or whatever length is considered beautiful. Short hair gets you labels like DYKE and BUTCH. Most guys aren't looking for a hot girl with short hair because I think a lot of the world doesn't associate short hair with beauty. Look at all the Disney Princesses. And, yes, it is more trendy now, but when a girl cuts her hair it initially feels like you have lost your security blanket. And maybe she felt that way the first time she lost her hair or maybe she didn't, but I wanted to basically make the statement that, "we don't all decide to "lose" our hair". What I mean is that there are people like Shawna with no choice in the matter. But here I am with a choice and I decided to "lose" it anyways.

Cancer is everyone's battle to fight.

fears are falling

I feel like shit. I am depressed and anxious beyond means and the reason why is because I am afraid. In the past few weeks I have felt like I have been failing at screenwriting and dping and just everything involved with film. To write movies and to make movies is my dream but when I can't successfully write a stellar script for my group's film project it makes me sad. How am I ever going to write a feature film when I can't even write a god damn 5 page script for a college film class? To make things worse, my feature film concept sounds like shit compared to everyone else's. I feel unworthy. And when no one prepares for shooting and it falls on my shoulders to create this amazing lighting for a scene that has no direction, I feel stupid. My group wonders why I get moody when it takes us 40 minutes to set up a scene. Basically this all stems from fear of failure and in this case the fear of failing even more. If I am not the best or one of the top writers then I will fail. Screenwriting is not a job that provides 24/7. It is an art and a talent one must possess to succeed. I know it was my choice to go in this direction and that I gave up a life of security when I decided not to be a biology major. Yeah, maybe I wouldn't have been a doctor but the major does offer more outlets for jobs rather than an english or screenwriting major. But this is what I love. I love to write. I love to share my stories, thoughts and ideas with people. I don't want to diagnose people, or build an energy saving thing, or be a business woman. I want to write and make a living off of it. But what happens is when I feel like I am not producing my best, I tend to just give in to this voice inside my head that says "Don't go, they don't understand. Don't go, you might fail again." Screenwriting is all about failing. You fail at your first draft and then you rewrite and then you fail again and keep rewriting till you reach something presentable. I can't go into this profession with the mindset I have right now. At the moment though all I can think about is my fear and worry. Fear and worry. I'm on the edge of falling into this place where I can't breathe nor escape. I die in this place every time I give in to it.

anew

This blog has become a place for me to bitch about every aspect of my life. It wasn't always this way. I really don't want this blog to be a gossip zone. I want this to be a place where I contemplate life and other philosophical shit. I am sure every now and then some fiery emotion will prompt me to write a post about some lame ass guy in my life, but for now I want to write differently and about different things. The end.