yada yada you

Wow. Here is one of those moments where I've got so many thoughts on my mind that it is hard to pinpoint which emotion stems from which thought.

So I helped out a friend today by acting in his youtube video ( should be up soon so I'll post a link then ) and I don't know why I said yes because I am the most horrible actress ever. Don't even call me an actress. I went down to Covina cause he was really doing me a favor and on top of it I wanted to see him :) Anywho, it is weird because I can't play or act normal... but if you want me to be stupid and audacious then yah, sure, I've got that down. Acting is straight up weird to me. I guess that's why I enjoy writing because when I write I can act/pretend to be someone else, but thankfully no one is standing there judging me like on set.

The other thing about this whole situation is that he thinks I'm adorable. And, tomorrow we are actually going on a date. I am nervous to say the least and honestly I just don't know if I want to jump back into things after everything that happened with Shea. Shea shea shea. We don't even talk anymore. It is fucking retarded. Yes, I used the R word. It is like I never existed in his life and neither did he in mine. I am sure the reason he doesn't text me is because he has nothing worthwhile to say to me but it pisses me off because I would talk about the weather with him if nothing else. You are probably saying, "why don't you text him you whiney bitch." Well I've learned that when you are the one who ruined things or made them take a turn for a worse you shut your mouth till someone talks to you. A part of me doesn't text him just cause it hurts and feels weird. Still, hearing for him would be a nice surprise. But, I guess with the lack of texts from him and the interest I am receiving from others, it makes me want to pretend it never happened. Forget that I felt something deep for someone again. My head says, "go molly, go. Forget the ones that don't love you." My heart says, "boo hoo you lost out on something good because you is too damn crazy." And then my fist punches both of them.
I know I felt something different with Shea. I know all those feelings came on fast, faster than I expected. And I know I get crazy, controlling, needy, annoying, over apologetic and worrisome. But that's me. I am not the girl who can fake happiness. I just can't. If I worry I'll tell you. If my feelings are hurt I'll sit you down and talk to you. I am not saying there aren't things I need to work on because there are, there are always things about myself that I want to make better. My point is that I think in the past I was bad at relationships because I used drugs/alcohol/sex to manipulate the men I was seeing into feeling a certain way. And now I feel like I want to be loved for the right reasons instead of all the wrong. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone but me, oh well. I think there will be someone out there who will say, "I want to work at this with you." He will say that, "Yes, you worry too much but I am willing to help you and make you more secure in this relationship because I love you and I want this." Now this just may be my girlhood dreams talking but I do think that person is out there. Everyone has flaws, even you. Every relationship takes work, even this one. The important thing is whether you try and work on those flaws. Someone is going to love me for my flaws. I am just sad it wasn't you.
Anywho, enough pity party over here. My point is is that I will be okay. Whether I am ready now to keep searching for love is beyond me, but I do know I am not going to be afraid to try. Love like you've never been hurt.