today.

Today I feel like everything I have been avoiding is coming to a head. Time to deal.

Right now I am just so unhappy with myself. I feel like I have lost sight of my goals.

I haven't been writing. I haven't been exercising. I drank a little last weekend. I am unsure if I want to stay sober now at all. I feel lonely. I am angry at myself for doing anything other than what I want to do. I am mad that I can't just let go and be happy.

A lot of things have happened in the past 2 weeks, nothing I am ashamed of, but just things that didn't go the way I thought they would.
I had a beer and a little bit of a long island ice tea. I had the drinks because I felt invincible and on top of the world. I allowed myself to go against this promise or resolution I made becauseI thought I could handle it. And, surprisingly, I did. Unfortunately the repercussions from this night have made me more eager to keep drinking. When I wasn't drinking I had forgotten what it felt like to be loose and care free and just numb. Even that one beer made me feel out of my own problems. Now with every chance I get I feel the urge to drink. It is such a fucking American past time that has stained our young people's culture. The rule is that if you don't drink you're not a part of the whole. And for a while I was okay with being different as long as that meant that I was happy and now I am still different, but unhappy. I don't know how to fix this one.

I went on my first date with someone since Shea and it was a fucking nightmare which made me miss him more. This guy was crazier than me (which is a complete and utter surprise). He was a complete psycho, dramatic, flamboyant, creative weirdo. Plus, he didn't even open one door for me. Like I said it made me miss Shea, but Shea has changed too. I remember when I first met Shea, it was as if everything that had once plagued me fell to pieces and for the first time I found someone who made all my happy bits fit together. He made me laugh and it felt like this person was meant for me. I know. I know. But my emotions have always felt more amplified than others so I don't expect that he even felt a smidge like this. I guess my point is is that this horrible date made me feel like I had really lost something special with Shea and to add injury to insult Shea doesn't even act like the person I first met. There was this night over text where he just laughed at me, laughed at how foolish I was being for asking him questions about how we once were and felt. Even now it seems like there is some nonchalantness to him. I understand that he doesn't want a relationship and he just wants to enjoy life. We had different agendas. And now I just wish I had the old him back.I would take a real friendship with him over anything. But maybe people with pasts can't be friends.

In this moment I feel like all the juice in my heart has been squeezed out. My soul is dry and brittle. I don't really care anymore. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to go on dates. I don't even want to see people I might be mildly interested in because I know in the end I am just going to feel disappointed. This is not me being depressed about being lonely, this about me just wanting to go forward with blinders on shielding me from the prospect of being happy with someone else. I want to be happy alone.
I want to focus on my happiness and the people who fuel that happiness.