Ladies, HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

Lately I have been reading, he's just not that into you, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I have never been one to buy self help books or dating books, but I must say that this "no excuse book to understanding guys," is my new bible. That is a bit of an exaggeration because I do not agree with everything the book suggests, but I have found that men make more sense. To sum it up, any excuse a woman gives for a guy's lacking qualities results in the conclusion that "he's just not that into you." After reading all the questions that women have submitted to Greg I can see that they will go to great lengths to deny themselves the truth, and that truth is, "he's just not that into you." I am not above making excuses as to why someone didn't like me because who wants to admit that to themselves? I sure don't, but sometimes facing reality helps you move on and recently it has helped me to move on.

After a tumultuous relationship/friendship/datingship I tried to try again with him only to find out that, he just wasn't that into me. People give excuses about being too busy, or being scared to love again after being hurt or even not wanting things to get complicated again but that is all codswallop in my opinion. If you really like someone, want someone, care for someone then no lack of time nor fear of being hurt will stop you because you know that that person is worth all of it. So after my re-attempt and failure at trying to convince someone I was worth it, I took a deep breath and carried on. I know I deserve to be happy and have someone who wants to get to know every bit of me and spend time with me as much as they can. It's a shame it wasn't him. In the past I would've been mopey and sad, but now I am just ready to say, "NEXT!" I don't mean to insinuate that I go through men like I go through diet cokes, I just mean I am not going to worry about it. I want happiness and if I meet someone while on the road to being happy then great, but I surely won't spend my time feeling like I am not enough. I am enough and even more.

One more thing, I have used and abused myself in the past because I didn't grow up thinking I was worth anything. I am here to let you know that your past is just a state of mind and each day you can change how you're going to live your life. You don't have to be that ugly person from the past, you can be pure again if you truly want to be.

following

So I had never considered that the reason he is different towards me was because I hurt him. I was not the only one that got hurt, but I selfishly never even considered this other idea. I don't know if I am right in thinking this, but it would make a lot of sense since his change in attitude. Anywho, I realized and remembered that I don't want to be someone's second choice, or their drunken mistake, or something to play with when they get bored. Honestly, despite me being a tad neurotic I am actually quite amazing. Some day there will be a person who appreciates every bit of me, sane and insane parts. And in truth I don't think I am really insane, I just care a lot and worry too much. Love will never be easy for the ones with open hearts.

today.

Today I feel like everything I have been avoiding is coming to a head. Time to deal.

Right now I am just so unhappy with myself. I feel like I have lost sight of my goals.

I haven't been writing. I haven't been exercising. I drank a little last weekend. I am unsure if I want to stay sober now at all. I feel lonely. I am angry at myself for doing anything other than what I want to do. I am mad that I can't just let go and be happy.

A lot of things have happened in the past 2 weeks, nothing I am ashamed of, but just things that didn't go the way I thought they would.
I had a beer and a little bit of a long island ice tea. I had the drinks because I felt invincible and on top of the world. I allowed myself to go against this promise or resolution I made becauseI thought I could handle it. And, surprisingly, I did. Unfortunately the repercussions from this night have made me more eager to keep drinking. When I wasn't drinking I had forgotten what it felt like to be loose and care free and just numb. Even that one beer made me feel out of my own problems. Now with every chance I get I feel the urge to drink. It is such a fucking American past time that has stained our young people's culture. The rule is that if you don't drink you're not a part of the whole. And for a while I was okay with being different as long as that meant that I was happy and now I am still different, but unhappy. I don't know how to fix this one.

I went on my first date with someone since Shea and it was a fucking nightmare which made me miss him more. This guy was crazier than me (which is a complete and utter surprise). He was a complete psycho, dramatic, flamboyant, creative weirdo. Plus, he didn't even open one door for me. Like I said it made me miss Shea, but Shea has changed too. I remember when I first met Shea, it was as if everything that had once plagued me fell to pieces and for the first time I found someone who made all my happy bits fit together. He made me laugh and it felt like this person was meant for me. I know. I know. But my emotions have always felt more amplified than others so I don't expect that he even felt a smidge like this. I guess my point is is that this horrible date made me feel like I had really lost something special with Shea and to add injury to insult Shea doesn't even act like the person I first met. There was this night over text where he just laughed at me, laughed at how foolish I was being for asking him questions about how we once were and felt. Even now it seems like there is some nonchalantness to him. I understand that he doesn't want a relationship and he just wants to enjoy life. We had different agendas. And now I just wish I had the old him back.I would take a real friendship with him over anything. But maybe people with pasts can't be friends.

In this moment I feel like all the juice in my heart has been squeezed out. My soul is dry and brittle. I don't really care anymore. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to go on dates. I don't even want to see people I might be mildly interested in because I know in the end I am just going to feel disappointed. This is not me being depressed about being lonely, this about me just wanting to go forward with blinders on shielding me from the prospect of being happy with someone else. I want to be happy alone.
I want to focus on my happiness and the people who fuel that happiness.

yada yada you

Wow. Here is one of those moments where I've got so many thoughts on my mind that it is hard to pinpoint which emotion stems from which thought.

So I helped out a friend today by acting in his youtube video ( should be up soon so I'll post a link then ) and I don't know why I said yes because I am the most horrible actress ever. Don't even call me an actress. I went down to Covina cause he was really doing me a favor and on top of it I wanted to see him :) Anywho, it is weird because I can't play or act normal... but if you want me to be stupid and audacious then yah, sure, I've got that down. Acting is straight up weird to me. I guess that's why I enjoy writing because when I write I can act/pretend to be someone else, but thankfully no one is standing there judging me like on set.

The other thing about this whole situation is that he thinks I'm adorable. And, tomorrow we are actually going on a date. I am nervous to say the least and honestly I just don't know if I want to jump back into things after everything that happened with Shea. Shea shea shea. We don't even talk anymore. It is fucking retarded. Yes, I used the R word. It is like I never existed in his life and neither did he in mine. I am sure the reason he doesn't text me is because he has nothing worthwhile to say to me but it pisses me off because I would talk about the weather with him if nothing else. You are probably saying, "why don't you text him you whiney bitch." Well I've learned that when you are the one who ruined things or made them take a turn for a worse you shut your mouth till someone talks to you. A part of me doesn't text him just cause it hurts and feels weird. Still, hearing for him would be a nice surprise. But, I guess with the lack of texts from him and the interest I am receiving from others, it makes me want to pretend it never happened. Forget that I felt something deep for someone again. My head says, "go molly, go. Forget the ones that don't love you." My heart says, "boo hoo you lost out on something good because you is too damn crazy." And then my fist punches both of them.
I know I felt something different with Shea. I know all those feelings came on fast, faster than I expected. And I know I get crazy, controlling, needy, annoying, over apologetic and worrisome. But that's me. I am not the girl who can fake happiness. I just can't. If I worry I'll tell you. If my feelings are hurt I'll sit you down and talk to you. I am not saying there aren't things I need to work on because there are, there are always things about myself that I want to make better. My point is that I think in the past I was bad at relationships because I used drugs/alcohol/sex to manipulate the men I was seeing into feeling a certain way. And now I feel like I want to be loved for the right reasons instead of all the wrong. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone but me, oh well. I think there will be someone out there who will say, "I want to work at this with you." He will say that, "Yes, you worry too much but I am willing to help you and make you more secure in this relationship because I love you and I want this." Now this just may be my girlhood dreams talking but I do think that person is out there. Everyone has flaws, even you. Every relationship takes work, even this one. The important thing is whether you try and work on those flaws. Someone is going to love me for my flaws. I am just sad it wasn't you.
Anywho, enough pity party over here. My point is is that I will be okay. Whether I am ready now to keep searching for love is beyond me, but I do know I am not going to be afraid to try. Love like you've never been hurt.

a part of me really misses you

though i am not sure you miss me

we struggled to find common ground

instead we got ambiguity

and we were blind to what held us together

clearly we knew what we hated

i just want to go back and start over

because despite me moving on it's hard

to forget that initial feeling of being with you

that want to be with you whenever i had a free moment

i miss that want and joy you brought

in the end it was so final

i became distraught and numb

why did it all just stop

what did i do wrong

why wasn't it enough

why did i go back and forth

i thought for a minute that this one was the last

and the beginning of a journey i never would want to end

but it wasn't

clearly it was something else

and i think sometimes i wish i wouldve never started this thing

then i take it back

i know it is done and that im not worth your very valuable time

but when did you last feel like that

feel that want and love

i guess it doesn't make a damn difference

for you are there and i am here

separate and far away from what was ever there

plans.

So tired of putting off the shit I need and want to do, so here is my affirmation for the year. All this stuff must be finished before 2012.

These aren't resolutions.


-Trip to Louisiana or New york -New tattoo -Have a short made of one of my scripts -Write a prospective feature -Go to a strip club -Visit sf and have a good time -Get new nose ring -Be on set a shit ton -Learn to dance well -Shoot a gun

Sometimes there is nothing you can do but say your sorry, even if the sorry won't fix it back to normal. I don't feel like explaining the erratic conversation that I had with S, but it went bad fast. I don't know if we will stay distant forever but for now it seems wise to stay away. I put all my heart into trying to create something inside the void when this something should've been there to begin with. Maybe I tried to hard. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I drove him crazy. Or, maybe it was not meant to work out. I honestly don't know how it all went to shit, but none the less it did. And to think I really liked this one.

I was talking to my coworker today and his gf of 3 years is sleeping with his now ex-best friend. Pretty shitty. It is a pure example that getting to know someone and love someone to the core takes a lifetime and even then you might be missing some pieces about them. I think that if this is true then when people decide to marry or start a relationship with a foundation already somewhat built they do it with the intent of trusting one another completely(since there is still so much to learn about them). I think it is hard, actually I know it is hard for me to trust what people say because people (including me) always change their minds. Maybe love grows or declines but never really changes. I believe that despite someone's undying hatred towards another person there is still this fundamental love that never dies once established. So basically I think it went wrong because I didn't trust. I need security. I need reassurance because after everything it is hard to love like you've never been hurt. It is hard to heal those mental scars of you cutting yourself in the bathroom because you were not good enough(long time ago). Drastic, I know. But that is what this world has come to: hate towards thy self. It is the same reason people are anorexic; they don't love themselves enough to believe they're beautiful just the way they are. By the way I don't mean to throw a pity party for myself just because I mentioned my prior cutting. I am trying to make the point that everyone should show love to another whenever, where ever, how ever. I needed to feel wanted and loved, and at one point in that situation with S I didn't. It hurts but it also feels good to let go of that pain. Relinquishing control and accepting what is. I apologized to him because I did my part in making it harder for both of us. He apologized too. I don't like feeling hatred towards someone and that's why I had to say that I was sorry. Besides the fact that I truly was sorry, it made it that easier to accept it all and move on. He's a nice guy and we had some good moments that will be hard to forget, but I sincerely believe everything happens for a reason and this is just another reason that I don't know.

Life is funny. One moment your heart is broken by some stupid guy and then a moment later you're being told by another that you're adorable.


give love freely